Title IX was only the beginning. Title X is upon us, and its terrifying and glorious reign shall last ten thousand years.

The student captains of all major high school sports teams will be required to have gay sex with one another at least twice a year: once at homecoming, then again immediately after prom.

Water polo players must begin each game with tender, vulnerable hugs lasting no less than forty seconds.

Little girls will henceforth be made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

Any female field hockey player may take the personal equipment of any male lacrosse player at her discretion. He may not ask for it back until her next menstrual cycle.

Any woman, student or no, may interrupt a basketball game to talk to the spectators about her feelings. The basketball players must sit quietly in a circle around her and ask her to be specific. When she is finished, they must carry her off the court on their shoulders.

All football will be powderpuff football.

All hockey players will be required to cultivate a begrudging, then enthusiastic, appreciation for the majesty of dance.

Softball will be mandatory.

All marching bands will be required to learn WNBA player Brittney Griner’s favorite song and play it every year on her birthday.

Boys will be forbidden to skateboard. All boys must turn their skateboards over immediately to whatever female classmate lives nearest him. She may kickflip over him as often as she likes.

Reading will be immediately classified as a varsity sport.

All out lesbians will be given free Gatorade.

Each year, four seventh-grade boys who display natural athletic talent will be slowly demoralized and discouraged until they quit the team.

Instead of jumping over hurdles, female track players will jump over popular boys.

Enjoying the television program Friday Night Lights will be illegal. Talking about Connie Britton’s hair will be grandfathered in.

All sports teams with racially offensive mascots will be immediately renamed The Misandrists and asked to identify as anarchic gender radicals.

All schools receiving federal funding will also be subject to Titles XI and XII and some date in the future; the specifics of Titles XI and XII are classified and will not be revealed. However, should a school fail to live up to the prescriptions of Titles XI and XII, they will be immediately shut down.

Female gymnasts may claim as their prom date any student they can leapfrog over during passing periods.

Men who coach girls’ teams will not be allowed to own cell phones or make eye contact with any student.