Previously in unfortunate scientific discoveries: the double coffin.
“Passage to Hell unearthed,” they say. “Scientists discover ancient Gate to Hell. This one is definitely it. Those other gates to hell were but precursors to this gate, which is definitely the ultimate and final gate, Hell-wise.”
A “gate to hell” has emerged from ruins in southwestern Turkey, Italian archaeologists have announced.
Known as Pluto’s Gate — Ploutonion in Greek, Plutonium in Latin — the cave was celebrated as the portal to the underworld in Greco-Roman mythology and tradition.
Historic sources located the site in the ancient Phrygian city of Hierapolis, now called Pamukkale, and described the opening as filled with lethal mephitic vapors.
Scientists–not just scientists; worse yet geologists, who have chosen a profoundly non-charismatic branch of science–desperate for funding and resources can no longer say to a grateful public, “We have found a cave in the ground, full of mysteries and old, wet rocks. We live in a striated and a secret-riddled earth, where the dirt periodically coughs up its deepest and oldest antechambers to those willing to look. Within this cave there is Science. There are Animals. There are dark and slow-moving rivers that stem from the cold heart of a mountain. Let us take our leave of human life and make our home among the slippery and quicksome beasts of the cave, sending occasional missives back to the rest of you.” That sort of thing simply doesn’t result in a full professorship and a pension these days.
Nowadays the public demands a compelling hook. We have seen the gold-spangled tombs of Tutankhamen and are no longer impressed with a few new species of blind cave spiders. Give us a historical and a literary angle, the people cry, their disgusting mouths full of sandwiches and ignorance. We want to see the cave where Odysseus and Dido betrayed Judas just before hammering the Code of Hammurabi into the walls. If possible, we would like King Arthur to have slept there.
Plutonium was once a bustling temple complex, full of eunuch-priests who were largely employed in bunging the occasional sparrow or badger into the cave mouth for public enjoyment.
“There, you see? It’s dead. Gate to hell. Dead sparrow, genuine work of Pluto, god of marrow and gaping wounds and staring eyes. Five shekels, please.”
Modern humans have changed very little. We too would like to hear about the dead birds. So the scientists oblige, and they send someone tired and cheerful up to chat with the reporters for a few minutes about how this is definitely The Cave, The One and Only Hell Cave.
“We could see the cave’s lethal properties during the excavation. Several birds died as they tried to get close to the warm opening, instantly killed by the carbon dioxide fumes,” D’Andria said.
“Very terrifying,” he added, stifling a yawn. “S’very dead birds. Ghosts too, I shouldn’t imagine. Oh, it’s terrible, how hell this cave is. Very hell cave. Who knows what dangers we have awoken, disturbing this nightmare cave with its poison breath, you’re all in terrible danger, most likely.” He then spat at the ground and returned to pulling the legs off of cave spiders, to see what happens when you pull all the legs off of them.
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
Tags: archaeology, caves, danger, eunuchs, possible locations to hell, science, those poor birds
Time to make a pilgrimage.
Yeah, but…if there is a gate to Hell, isn’t it better to know for sure where it is? I mean, that’s one bullet point you can cross off the apartment hunting checklist. W/D on floor, central air, definitely no gate to hell, hardwood floors.
I think Buffy taught us to be wary of any areas that are associated with being openings to Hell.
Personally, I think it’s slightly fun, though I do agree with your assessment of how scientists “hook” people to make them excited about a hole in the earth. But it just awakens this child-like desire to go exploring because maybe all that stuff from the Indiana Jones movies is true. Or like in Pan’s Labyrinth when Ophelia goes exploring and finds all these magical adventures. It sure beats sitting in an office on a Friday afternoon and counting down the minutes until your workday ends.
1. I think it’s TREMENDOUSLY fun. 2. Exploring rules. 3. Why would you remind me of that movie SHE DIES AT THE END
OH GAWD I’M SORRY but the stepdad dies, too, so it’s like a massive piece of justice for the world. And Ophelia gets to go be a princess. And now I’m dying of heartbreak because I mentioned this movie and now I can’t stop thinking about it and being emotional about Ophelia. I’m the worst.
My husband and I have been arguing about this movie for years. He says that the magic was all in her imagination, and she just dies at the end–period. I say the magic was real and she gets to be a princess in the Underworld. I will never stop believing it.
SHE JUST DIES YOU GUYS
HUSH YOUR MOUTH DEVIL WOMAN
BELIEVE IN THE FAIRY TALE MELIS
There is no real magic. Magic is not a thing. Except in sports, there’s magic in sport.
Bah. You probably think there wasn’t really a tiger in the Life of Pi, either.
Even though I think it’s really just one big whole metaphor, where did she get the key and knife and chalk? Like when Ophelia went and crawled into the tree, she just randomly found the key that she was looking for? And where does a girl her age find a dagger? I think if del Toro wanted us to think that the magic was all in Ophelia’s head, he would have made subtle nods to “reality” during her adventures. He did the same thing in El Orfanato, except this time the magic/haunting was all in her mind, and he planted all these clues along the way.
Honestly, Pan’s Labyrinth is one of the best movies ever created. My friends and I didn’t talk for about two hours after we left the theater because we were all in shock and awe over what we just watched. Even when I watch it now, the visuals and the story are so stunning.
I agree. My husband based his entire theory on the fact that Evil Fascist Guy couldn’t see the faun at the end. I say that’s because he was too evil to see anything magical. Also, yes, how did she escape from the locked 2nd story room?
I love Pan’s Labyrinth so much. Husband is out of town, so maybe I’ll watch it (and bawl my eyes out) again tonight.
Holes to hell in the middle of the ground are just the best things ever. The earth is reiddled with holes. RIDDLED. We don’t even know where most of them go!
Time for some terrifying subterranian passage stories!
The Burren in Ireland has so many tiny, crinkled passages underneath it that they have never been fully explored! Sometimes, every now and then, someone discovers a new one by falling through the earth.
Under my home city, a fairly small and pretty English city settled in flat landscape, there are potentially hundreds of chalk tunnels that everyone had forgotten about. Then a bus fell into it. Now we know they’re there! Our small exploration indicates that most are natural, but some show signs of deliberate carving. Maybe they were escape tunnels! Latest info is that all the known entrances have been filled with concrete.
I can’t help but feel that I’d rather geologists look for Gates to Hell than to aid and abet fracking operations.
Get her! She hates cheap energy…
We want to see the cave where Odysseus and Dido betrayed Judas just before hammering the Code of Hammurabi into the walls. If possible, we would like King Arthur to have slept there.
*weeps for mythological record*
Every time I see them discover caves, all I can think about is The Descent. And then look at our evolutionary tree and see when people would have had to split off in order to evolve into proper Morlocks.
I don’t know which Descent you are thinking of, but yes, this is way too much like how the work at large discovered the hadal in book- Descent.
But it’s not Hell cuz the Elysian Fields are down there too.
I hope I’m not the only one who immediately thought of Ted’s Caving Page…
I’ve never heard of Ted’s Caving Page but it looks great and I can’t wait to read it.
WHY DID YOU LINK THIS WHY
I’LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
… >:D
(yeah, I made the mistake of reading it before bed a few months ago. baaaad idea)
the hell with all y’all, there’s nothing uncharismatic about the earth sciences!
the hell with all y'all, there's nothing uncharismatic about the earth sciences!
I went into one of those entrances to hell once — not one of the poison gas ones, just a regular one in Greece that you had to hike up a mountain to see. You had to crawl in on your hands and knees, and then it narrowed and it was like The Weirdstone of Brisingamen, and THEN a torrent of baby spiders swarmed up from the depths of the earth toward me and I climbed out very quickly. So yeah, I’m pretty sure that one was a real hellgate.
Damn it you guys, weird holes in the ground just remind me that The Enigma of Amigara Fault* exists and then I’m just creeped out the rest of the day.
*Creepy horror manga, easy to find online if you want it in your brain for the rest of your life.
nooooooooo
sometimes I think I’ve successfully blocked that story from my memory, but then it comes creeping back…