This kind of reminds me of that scene we just saw on The Sopranos where Tony has a two-second fantasy of nailing the female mob boss from behind while he’s dressed like a Gladiator.
You’re the hottest bitch in this place.
Ronald Reagan once told a reporter he liked having sex in the afternoon best, just after showering.
Italian restaurants really need to cool it with the almond extract in all the desserts. You don’t need to taste almond extract for the next five hours. I wonder what cyanide tastes like? I mean, “bitter almonds,” but what does that mean?
Adderall makes having sex feel like the good parts of Flowers For Algernon before he starts getting dumb again.
I keep hearin’ you’re concerned about my happiness / but all that thought you’re givin’ me is conscience I guess…did people decide that band-aid on the back of his head was where his soul was taken out, and that’s what’s in the suitcase?
I’m going to write a pilot about gay ladies on the LPGA tour who compete by day and exchange witty barbs and fuck by night, and even men will watch it because golf and gay ladies.
It’s great that everyone’s sharing this spoon tip for women in arranged marriages, but aren’t men going to start looking for the spoons now?
Would we have to show golf every episode? Probably.
Alec Baldwin looks so much better with salt-and-pepper hair than with that weird red tint.
Satin pillowcases are supposed to be better for your skin, but I bet they get sweaty.
Which of the castmembers of That 70s Show are Scientologists? It’s that one and My Name is Earl which are all Scientologist, right?
After he got rid of the weird red tint, it was way, way too dark for a while. Why is he such a monster when we all want to love him?
Everything is “Berkshire” now. Peas, bacon. You could sell “Berkshire gummi bears” and make a killing. I should tweet that.
I did not know how cute Cord Jefferson was until he did that roots of white violence thing on TV.
You know the network would want to call it something about roughs or belly putts or holes in one or shafted or double eagles or something, though. Ugh.
Tags: keep it to yourself, overthinking, relationships, sex, thoughts
Spent a very happy half-hour Google Image searching Cord Jefferson after I realised how cute he was.
I can report, having attended a very pleasant dinner party with him, that Cord Jefferson is the tallest and handsomest man in every room. Also I spilled some wine on my pizza that night.
“You got wine on my pizza!”
“You got pizza in my wine!”
MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA MALLORY
No one likes a braggart, Mallory.
I like me.
*throws self away*
Ughhhh he’s SO HANDSOME
He’s what my mom would call “a very, VERY good-looking young man”. In other words ohmygod SO HANDSOME.
was that a child crying
wait, do we have enough fruit in the fridge or am I going to need to go shopping tomorrow
depending on how long this takes, I think I can still fit in an episode of Elementary before I have to go to sleep. Probably not a shower as well though
ohhhhh dude, there’s no way I could maintain arousal in the face of “was that a child crying?”
I think it’s actually way more of a mood-killer if you do not in fact have children in the house. Then it’s just like there’s a wailing child echoing in your mind, inexplicably, during sex. But no, honey, it’s fine. I mean, I don’t want a baby or anything. I don’t think. Why are you putting on another condom?
Hahaha. I get PTSD twitches when I hear a child crying even if I’m like, at work or something and it’s no way it could be one of mine.
is that the baby I THINK THE BABY’S UP oh my god he knows what we’re doing SERIOUSLY EVERY FUCKING TIME
no but tell me more about this LPGA pilot. I don’t even like golf.
Just whisper “Anal” in a faux-perfume-ad sort of voice and you will shut. that. down.
“Shit, that’s a text message. I’m going to have to remember to check that later.”
“Ow, ow, this keeps slamming against my pelvic bone. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SIZE QUEEN, THIS DILDO IS RIDICULOUS.”
“I kind of want to go home for Christmas but I also don’t want to deal with homophobic bullshit and not be able to have sex. This is fun! I don’t want to not do this for four or five days…”
Related: “OW, you can’t use a glass dildo like that IT’S HARD AS SHIT!”
ETA: Yes I realize shit isn’t actually that hard. And if it is you’ve got bigger problems than a bruised cervix.
Is that a spider on the ceiling?!??
Satin pillowcases feel amazing. But yeah, they are sweaty. And not recommended for shaven dudes because their stubble will pill it all up.
Also, what is the spoon thing?
http://jezebel.com/spoons-hidden-in-underwear-cou…
That’s a great idea, but yeah…they’re probably going to look for spoons.
Hey, did you remember to change the cat litter?
“Is that smoke? Is that smoke from the woodburning pizzeria? Or from a cigarette? Or a fireplace? Or is something on fire?”
I used to get distracted by the unseen neighbor who walks around smoking, crunching the gravel with every step, until s/he is just outside the window of our secluded back-of-the-building bedroom. I’d get self-conscious about him/her overhearing us…
… until I discovered that sex moans made the unseen neighbor flee. So now if I smell cigarette smoke during Business Time*, I moan louder. LOUDER.
*The Fella has graciously requested that I stop referring to It as “Business Time,” and also stop referring to It as “It.” I have equally graciously refused. IT’S BUSINESS TIME.
you know when i’m wearing my socks what time it is it’s business time that’s they call them business socks
He particularly [likes/does not like/it’s hard to tell/he’s kinda torn] when I stand up on the bed afterward and roar “BUSINESS HOURS ARE OOOOOOVER!”
hahahaha
you say “Is that it?”
but I know what you mean
you mean aw yeah, that’s it!
😉
Obviously, he would always like more. After all, I’m the most beautiful girl in the room. In the whole wide room.
It is always, always BUSINESS TIME. Except for when it’s Naked Time. Or Doin’ It. Usage: “Hey, you wanna go do some Doin’ It?”
This is what happens when you’re approaching the 20-year-mark in your relationship. It’s the best.
I am totally gonna regret sharing this, but in reference to an old Family Guy moment, I have been asked if I need “to have my busy-business-woman problems fixed.”
You will never regret having shared that, especially not when I start referring to the bedroom as Ye Olde Fix-it Shoppe.
I contributed to the Tomorrow Magazine Kickstarter just because* of how cute Cord Jefferson is.
*Okay, I wanted a copy anyways but Cord in the video did not hurt.
I’m so confused about the Cord Jefferson thing. His cuteness is immediately apparent from even the tiniest of photographs.
Humming whatever song is stuck in your head currently is a good way to ruin sex.
Just don’t get me counting.
Mine were almost always “Jesus Christ is he done yet!?” in my last relationship. Good lord, that one took FOREVER.
Conversely, with my last relationship it was “Oh this won’t last long….yep….he’s done.” It was never long enough to be that great for me, so there was a lot of waiting for him to just get it over with. Current bf has what I consider a normal duration and life is GOOD.
I’d watch the shit out of that golfing lesbian show.
It is always, always BUSINESS TIME. Except for when it's Naked Time. Or Doin' It. Usage: "Hey, you wanna go do some Doin' It?"
This is what happens when you're approaching the 20-year-mark in your relationship. It's the best.
“Why is he such a monster when we all want to love him?”
I wonder this every single day. Why, Alec, why?
(Also, it’s very distracting when my phone is providing mood music and decides that what the moment really needs is a Mountain Goats Rock Block.)
"Why is he such a monster when we all want to love him?"
I wonder this every single day. Why, Alec, why?
(Also, it's very distracting when my phone is providing mood music and decides that what the moment really needs is a Mountain Goats Rock Block.)
Husband says he would totally watch your lesbian golf show. Every man in America, he says.
I KNEW IT.
SOMEONE FIX ALEC BALDWIN’S HAIR.
SOMEONE FIX ALEC BALDWIN'S HAIR.
You will never regret having shared that, especially not when I start referring to the bedroom as Ye Olde Fix-it Shoppe.
it makes me uneasy that the title of this post doesn't read "which if verbalized WOULD ruin sex"
also, it makes me uneasy that the comma placement is different in every iteration of the title – at top of article, top of page, address (though i understand that web address should probably be excepted, but it does add to the cognitive dissonance).
these may both be productive iterations of unease.