I hesitated, at first, to even write this. The Nations of the Commonwealth have, it must be admitted, suffered enough when it comes to culinary reputations. There is no need for a pile-on. And they have suffered, at times, unjustly: New Zealand has wonderful butter and lamb. I hold myself second to none in my devotion to sticky toffee pudding. Poutine is a remarkable dish and the Canadians are to be commended for it.
The names of your candies are absurd and glutinous, but I do not believe you ought to be shamed for it. Keep your Toffee Zig-Zags, your Hobbed Choco-Goblins, your Frumlescent Bandersnickets. They are all you have, and I will not ridicule you overmuch for them.
And yet. And yet. Residents of the Commonwealth, as well as numerous American visitors, all suffer from the same collective delusion that digestive biscuits are a good thing to eat. Ask nearly any American who has spent a significant amount of time in Australia or the UK or even Canada about the food, and he or she will invariably reply with some tepid comment, followed by “…but I loved having biscuits and tea. I wish we had them here in the States!”
After you have struck your friend manfully in the neck, regardless of their age of sex, for referring to this country as “the States,” consider this: what could possibly lead such a large and diverse group to believe that biscuits taste good? Let us not even consider the unappetizing names by which the biscuit has been called over the years: the digestive, the sweet-meal biscuit, the Wheaten. Consider the biscuit as it is: a compressed disc of malted wheat, a cookie-shaped circle of tepid sweetness and uniform dryness, a pod of chalk. More than anything else it resembles in both appearance and texture a dog biscuit. And this is offered to us — offered to people accustomed to eating human food — as a dessert! Oh, what a wild ride we are about to embark upon together! Let us eat biscuits until our tongues desiccate and wither into uselessness! There is never a good reason to eat a biscuit. It is better to eat a sugar packet, which at least melts sweetly on the tongue.
I am no extremist. I am willing to be persuaded to move from my position. Below you will find an ingredient list of the common biscuit. Kindly point out to me what is good in it. Go ahead. I will wait.
The typical digestive biscuit contains coarse brown wheat flour (which gives it its distinctive texture and flavour), sugar, malt extract, vegetable oil, wholemeal,raising agents (usually sodium bicarbonate, tartaric acid and malic acid) and salt. Dried whey, oatmeal, cultured skimmed milk and/or emulsifiers such as DATEM may also be added in some varieties.
“Yes, but have you tried them…[voice drops to a husky sotto voce] dipped in chocolate?” Reader, I have. Dip a dog biscuit in a thin layer of forgettable milk chocolate and one has a slightly crustier dog biscuit, not something good to eat. Biting into a biscuit makes a person feel rather as if she has just nibbled on a fossilized owl bone: crumbly, and dry, and ancient, with only the memory of structural integrity.
“Have you tried dipping them in tea?” Do you mean have I tried ruining a perfectly good cup of tea by dissolving a cake of hulled bran into it? The biscuit disintegrates instantly upon contact with liquid (except for, infuriatingly, the natural liquid found in the human mouth, which merely turns it into a persistent, aggravating paste), littering the bottom of the mug with lukewarm, sodden biscuit lumps.
“But biscuits often have the name of their manufacturing company stamped onto their broad and featureless surface! Isn’t that sort of pleasant?” Any man who is willing to take credit for producing a biscuit is welcome to do so. I do not envy him; that is all I can say.
Tags: biscuits, commonwealth day, desserts, food trolling, i’m not afraid of big biscuit, whimsically held positions
Oh, God, Mallory. I think this might turn out to be worse than the apple post.
How dare you.
HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob HobNob. And that’s all I have to say on the matter of biscuits.
The ones with milk chocolate and caramel are truly the apex of the biscuit arts and sciences.
Have you ever had mini HobNobs? Or HobNob sandwich cookies with the chocolate in the middle?
I REGRET NOTHING
This woman is mad, I tell you
Also ginger nuts.
Gingenuts are the best. Just make sure you dunk them if you want to keep your teeth.
But chocolate digestives are so good! I personally prefer the milk chocolate, while my friend prefers dark chocolate. It is a source of much friendly ribaldry.
For what it’s worth, I’ve only heard of digestive biscuits as a British thing. Aussies do have biscuits, or “bickies” whose primary function is to accompany tea or coffee but they’re still pretty sugary if mild-tasting.
I was just in the States.
Things are so different there, in the States.
Which States?
THE States.
The only States.
Those USAmericans, (or USians) and their States.
“The States” is your punishment for choosing such an unwieldy and grandstanding name in the first place, Americans. Signed, Canada.
Thankfully, we can all just call it ‘Murrica now.
Now that I think about it, it seems unlikely we’ll make it through the next month without dissolving the union, so we should probably start thinking of several new names.
Precisely! We are ‘Murricans, living in ‘Murrica. (FUCK YEAH.)
See also, referring to all inhabitants of The States as “Yanks”. We know you don’t like it, and no, we’re not going to stop. Sorry. Signed, Canada.
It’s a bit archaic but I enjoy “Seppo” – Yank->Septic Tank (rhyming slang)->Septic->Seppo.
(ok for me to say as I am half-American)
I had never heard of that and it makes me sad, because Seppo is my late grandfather’s given name. D:
Aww. I’m sorry darl! If it helps I only ever use it affectionately with Yanks that I love.
I actually don’t mind being called a Yank, but I’m from the Northeast. I’m sure Southerners would be very put off.
To the rest of the world, a Yankee is someone who’s from the U.S. To an American southerner, a Yankee is someone from the northern part of the country. To northerners, a Yankee is someone from New England. To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter. For Vermonters, a yankee is someone who eats apple pie for breakfast.
Yank is perfectly acceptable. We draw the line at Yankee.
With love from,
Southern lady living in England
I irrationally hate the word USians. And yet I still occasionally call my country the States.
I will get what’s coming to me one day.
I hate USians, but I also dislike “Americans” so I don’t really know what to say anymore.
I hate USians as well. I get why “Americans” is distasteful to some folks, but its the only thing that sounds right to me.
People say USians???
Online? Yes. Lots. In real life? Less often.
How is it actually pronounced? Ewe-Esss-ian? Us-ian? Ewes-ian?I don’t know which is more horrible…
Surprisingly, Mallory, I agree with you on this one. There’s no reason to ruin a perfectly good cookie with gross healthy wheat bran and include no butter/butter-like substance.
Also, I’ve said The States before, so I’ve just hit myself manfully in the neck.
But Mallory, have you had CARAMEL DIGESTIVES?
YESSSSSS.
I tried this argument during the apple trolling. She will just tell you to dunk a pretzel in caramel instead, AND SHE’S RIGHT, because pretzels are at least salty and that is a recognizable flavor, unlike digestive biscuits, which mostly taste beige.
If you think digestives are bad try a rich tea. Oh and what about at Christmas when you get those family ‘biscuits for cheese’ boxes that have a few digestives in them, FOR CHEESE. It is actually the best use for them. Hovis also do a digestive in the shape of a tiny loaf, so they look like compressed bread.
I actually agree with you here, Mallory. Digestives originated when someone took a graham cracker and asked ‘what could make this even less pleasant to eat?’
I was scrolling through the comments thinking, “I really hope nobody says anything bad about rich tea biscuits.” I do understand, though. I’m the only person I’ve ever met in real life who actually likes them.
No, definitely not. You’re talking about Digestives, which I could do without. But what about all the other kinds?? Rich teas are my favorite.
If you’ve never come across it, I highly recommend G.K. Chesterton’s essay on Cheese. It’s…sort of a different variety of food trolling.
http://www.cse.dmu.ac.uk/~mward/gkc/books/cheese….
Wait hold on, we have to talk about this objection to “the States.” Is the correct term “Majestic Land of Eagles and Libertarianism, But Not the Coasts Where the Commie Homosexuals Live?”
It’s a little long, sure, but what else would you call it?
Finally a food-trolling that speaks for me.
Wait. Help out an ignorant Statesider: Is a Carr’s Whole Wheat Cracker a digestive biscuit? http://www.carrscrackers.com/ProductDetail.aspx?I…
(Because those are delicious. Especially when Americanized with a schmear of peanut butter.)
No. They are not a digestive biscuit.
They’re thinner and… crackier.
Up until last week I would have objected very strongly to this post. Until the other night when I woke up at 3am, absolutely starving, and ate a handful of digestives before returning to bed. It absolutely ruined the next day because my teeth were all gummy and my mouth tasted like stale biscuits no matter how much I brushed my teeth and gargled with mouthwash.
Ho hum, more digestive biscuits for me!
Though when I’m about to have one with my tea, I do often hear Dame May Whitty in Gaslight brightly chirping an offer of “diggy biscuits!”, which knocks some of the bloom off the idea.
Have you had Jaffa Cakes? They are the exact opposite of everything you just described but are also disgusting. Just wanted to add to the list of hate.
NO. jaffa cakes forever.
NO
NO
NO
BAD
HOW VERY DARE YOU
But what even are digestive biscuits, I seriously thought this was some cutesy name for ::whispers:: gas (??)
hahahahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is adorable.
The worst part is how misleading the name is: digestive? Like it’s some baked Activa shit? The wheat might nominally help with digestion (if your body and wheat get along), but you’d be better off snarfing down basically any edible plant or, hell, most breakfast cereals, which at least put their sugar to good use.
I don’t think I could ever eat something with the name “digestive”. I mean, gross.
In conclusion, U-S-A! U-S-A!
/ignorant American
Wait, I refer to the US as “the States” when abroad because that’s almost ALWAYS how the person I’m speaking to refers to this country first.
Is that not a thing? Should I not?
It’s a dangerous first step towards saying things like “directly” and “straightaway.”
I say “The States.” You have my explict permission to continue doing so.
Of course YOU say it, you’re not American. Non-Americans can say it all they like, until the cows come home, or whatever shambling beasts are the bovine Canadian equivalent.
YOU GHASTLY FOREIGN AMERICAN, HOW DARE YOU. I will have you know that in all the lands of the commonwealth are churches, and within those churches are hard pews with scant cause to sit still SAVE FOR THE PROMISE of the digestive biscuit, which! Their deliciousness is not, nay, CANNOT be in question when held in their correct context, which is against a backdrop of boiled cabbage-based greens. They are the crisp counter-point to the afternoon, the thing which makes tea all the more palatable!
What ROOT would your DREADFUL FOREIGN GRAHAM CRACKERS have without BISCUITS?
Ghastly: the most British word of them all.
<3
But digestives are so versatile! A digestive biscuit with a slice of cheddar or brie is heaven….
And anyway, ginger nuts, bourbon creams, nice biscuits, pink wafers and shortbread fingers are ACE.
You can have custard creams though. Those little buggers are grim.
Custard Creams were invented by the devil. They are bland, mushy biscuit with sickly, dull icing in.
BOURBON CREAMS. I used to have a FWB/flatmate who was English, and we would eat like a packet of bourbon creams in a night, while watching Attenborough docos and Stargate SG-1. Good times.
I considered posting of my love of President’s Choice Organic Chocolate Digestive Biscuits in the Commonwealth post. I am glad that I waited. THEY ARE DELICIOUS.
YOU GHASTLY FOREIGN AMERICAN, HOW DARE YOU. I will have you know that in all the lands of the commonwealth are churches, and within those churches are hard pews with scant cause to sit still SAVE FOR THE PROMISE of the digestive biscuit, which! Their deliciousness is not, nay, CANNOT be in question when held in their correct context, which is against a backdrop of boiled cabbage-based greens. They are the crisp counter-point to the afternoon, the thing which makes tea all the more palatable!
*marches out of thread to the tune of THE MAPLE LEAF FOREVER*
*vaguely hopes this does not double-post*
Weirdly, I love these bastards. Not too sweet, just enough texture. They’re the best!
PUT CHEESE ON THEM
DO IT NOW AND THANK ME LATER
(also you shut your mouth mallory digestives are the best)
Now I want to go get digestives AND PUT CHEESE ON THEM
YES THIS. Cheeeeese is the answer.
Also, I have a batch of homemade digestives cookie dough in my fridge at home! I will bake them tomorrow and my afternoon snack for the rest of the week will be a delight!
Now I’m just a simple down-home country gal from ‘Murrica, but I don’t think “it goes well with cheese” counts towards something’s deliciousness. Drywall would go well with cheese. /Concrete/ would go well with cheese.
Digestives don’t just ‘go with’ cheese. They are *perfect* with cheese. Not your bland, plasticated american gubbins, no. A good, tangy cheddar or a rich, mouth-tingling blue cheese, gently laid on top of some digestives.
The sharpness of the cheese balances and combines with the wholesome sweetness of the digestive to make both of the flavours more distinct. It is a practically fucking gourmet and you can put it together for less than a quid if you buy cheap digestives.
Add some pickle too, if you’re feeling flash.
I’m sorry madam, but if you are impunging the creamy childlike joy provided by a slice of American pasteurized process cheese food, we are going to have WORDS.
I am impugning. I am most definitely impugning.
I’m not afraid of your words. They’ll have ‘z’s and no ‘u’s and are therefore not proper words at all.
And if I really have to I’ll put some Cornish Cruncher cheese in your mouth. It has taste and texture, which might just mean your tastebuds overload and you pass out.
Or I’ll give you the weird goats cheese wrapped in nettle leaves.
Very well. You have sown the whirlwind, and a whirlwind you shall reap.
Here’s how it will go down. I’ll come to Britain. I’ll eat your cheeses- many of which I’m sure are quite lovely. I might even try a digestive biscuit, if only for the experience.
Then. Then you’ll come to America. Then you will taste the wonders of Maytag Blue. The delicate touch of Humboldt Fog. The bear hug of a good Colby. We’ll go by Cowgirl Creamery, introduce you to a little Red Hawk. And to finish up, we’ll have the sweet gentle touch of American cheese- draped obligingly over a fresh-grilled hamburger, curved creamy around a macaroni noodle, enfolded hot and tender between the crunch of a grilled cheese sandwich. And forever after, you will wake up panting in the night, hungry for just one more taste of that humble glory.
We’ll see who comes out of this weeping for joy and pleasure that they know they can never repeat. We will see.
There are approximately 600 regional cheeses in the uk, from the soft and mild to the utterly ridiculous. I’ve had lavender goats cheese spread on water biscuits. I’ve had Blacksticks Blue on digestives. I’ve had stilton on fruitcake.
We’ll see who breaks first.
Bring on the Yarg! Bring on the Stinking Bishop!
A PICKLE ON A CRACKER
WHO MADE YOU THIS WAY
not A pickle. Pickle.
Branston Pickle, for the beginners to the wonderful world of pickle. Something with a little more bite and crunch and spice for those who are more adventurous.
Obviously we are better off having TOAST with our tea.
Nope. Digestives are amazing, you are wrong.
Digestives are palatable with a good cheddar and some butter.
As to sweet accompaniments to tea, a jaffa cake (or 12) cannot be bested.
Pity me though, gluten intolerant inhabitant of the land of millionaire shortbread and the Tunnock’s tea cake and caramel wafer.
I’m assuming this is one of those things that makes more sense to those of us who have some out-of-the-US travel under the belt, because these sound completely unfamiliar to my “Mexico for senior trip and BC for a weekend” lower-middle-class self. And I generally pride myself on being a food snob!
I don’t know! I haven’t spent loads of time abroad, but I do have a lot of friends in Canada and New Zealand due to the Internet, and they’re all nuts about the damn things. It’s not something you need to be laden in pearls and furs to hear about, I don’t think.
They often sell them in the foreign food sections of big grocery stores, too. Except there they cost $6 for a little roll instead of like 1 pound. And if I ever get my claws on Mallory’s bank account, I’m going to drain the whole thing on overpriced digestives out of spite.
I love you: “After you have struck your friend manfully in the neck, regardless of their age of sex, for referring to this country as “the States…”
You think digestives are bad? Wait til you try marmite (the kiwi kind). Ps tread lightly if you wanna diss marmite. Have at it with vegemite though, that shit is nasty.
SACRILEGE RE: VEGEMITE
Marmite is better though
No you’re right, vegemite is awful (sorry TARDISTime!)
Going to de-lurk to say that not only are digestives great with cheese, they make the best base for cheesecakes, I shall defend them to the end!
I don’t know why anyone would even want a cheesecake without a buttery biscuit base.
I don’t know if you were alluding to this on purpose, or if it’s just an amazingly fortuitous coincidence. If the former, then you are one of the best people ever. Like, top 100 at least.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfeyUGZt8nk
The only people who have consistently referred to the United States of America as “The States” in my presence are people who have lived overseas on military bases. I think they get a pass because I mean, how else do you refer to it consistently? “America” seems to formal to me.
I refer to it as America, but I’m from Eurasia and we all do that over here.
Who is Mallory Ortberg and why does she hate everything I love
not A pickle. Pickle.
Branston Pickle, for the beginners to the wonderful world of pickle. Something with a little more bite and crunch and spice for those who are more adventurous.
We'll see who comes out of this weeping for joy and pleasure that they know they can never repeat. We will see.
There are approximately 600 regional cheeses in the uk, from the soft and mild to the utterly ridiculous. I've had lavender goats cheese spread on water biscuits. I've had Blacksticks Blue on digestives. I've had stilton on fruitcake.
We'll see who breaks first.
All this has inspired me to do is to go out asap and buy as many packets of chocolate digestives as I can carry.
Yank is perfectly acceptable. We draw the line at Yankee.
With love from,
Southern lady living in England
Holy crap woman are you mental?!
Holy crap woman are you mental?!
You do understand that digestive biscuits and Graham crackers are the same thing, right?