Mallory left this morning. But not before we went to see the mini horses. On the drive over, Mallory wasn’t sure she was ready.
“I need a minute. I need a minute to prepare myself.”
First, we met Godiva.
Mallory started to lose it. She used curse words. Then she touched Godiva.
It was pretty intense. Godiva sensed and reacted to a powerful female energy coming from Mallory.
Then Mallory lost her mind.
We decided to say hi to the geldings, but they rejected our overtures.
“Mallory,” my friend and horse trainer said calmly. “Mallory, we’re going to go look at the babies now. Prepare yourself.”
“WHO IS THAT?” “That’s Thunder.” “WHO IS HIS FRIEND?” “His friend is Rusty.”
“Nicole, this is why I couldn’t own a miniature horse. I know you just said you have to treat them like horses and not like dogs, but I couldn’t handle it. I would buy them hats and jacket, and they would live in my house. I would be a crazy cat lady, but with horses.”
“We have to go. You have a ten hour drive ahead of you. Say goodbye to Thunder.” “Goodbye, Thunder.”
“Nicole. I am never going to be happy again. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Mallory.”
Tags: meta, miniature horses
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTINYHORSES
Um when I saw this was posted my left hand went into a weird crabbed position and shook wildly. <–weirdo
Oh god it did it again when I got to the babies!
THIS IS OVERSTIMULATING.
A tragic romance.
(I want your life, Nicole. I want to steal your life)
I swear to God, that one gelding is drawn by Allie Brosh.
“Oh hay!”
(Sorry.)
I scrolled back up thinking, “Which one?” but then it was very obvious. I can’t unsee it.
AHHHHHH yes.
PS I will offer my firstborn daughter (never the sons) to The Toast if you can get Allie to submit something.
It’s good you know what we would do to your sons.
Hey, I read the Misandrist Lullabies post. I know what’s up.
My boyfriend zoomed in on that gelding’s face so that it took up my entire Macbook screen, and I was completely losing it, and I couldn’t figure out how to un-zoom it, and we were in public, and I died
You mean Captain Crabbyass, the chestnut in the middleish? I want to squeeze him.
These miniature horses are sorely needed today, thank you. #balmtomysoul
OH MY GOD!!! THUNDER!!!
ps Mallory your hair is like magic, how do you make your hair like magic? It’s windswept and outdoors and yet still has like, disney princess curl in it.
I am in an unfortunate stage of growing my hair out, and I think I looked at Mallory’s hair just as much as the tiny horses. Truly she is an inspiration.
I washed my hair and then I went outdoors, that is my secret (the secret is literally never blow drying your hair and using whatever shampoo is closest to your hand in the shower)
this is just so lovely
oh my god
RUSTY AND THUNDER ARE FRIENDS: A 10,000-PART SERIES
I just tried to combine their names into something cute and clever and…it went badly, let’s leave it at that.
THRUSTY! No, terrible.
That was what happened, yes.
ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod the babies
It took a long time for me to even make it past picture #4, because I couldn’t tear my eyes away/they were filled with tears from laughter.
Godiva’s stress eyes in photo #4 look like my dog’s when my daughter treats her like a stuffed animal. I hope Godiva got some post-Mallory downtime.
But seriously, they are all The Cutest, and Mallory is totally justified in freaking out.
Oh god yes I know exactly the stress eyes you mean, the pleading, is-somebody-going-to-save-me, what-is-this-child-thinking eyes.
I’m already a crazy cat lady but with horses. (And cats.)
i do forget though, that most people don’t routinely have ponies in their lives!
We tried to figure out who they’d be in a boy band. Rusty is the bad-boy. Thunder is the soulful one.
I schooled my big horse after this and she was SO BIG. I could sit on her BACK.
I just made a sound like, “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.” Because of tiny hooves, mostly.
Also, Thunder the Mini Horsie has a mini horsie on his butt.
OMG YOU’RE RIGHT.
OH MY GOD RUSTY I WANT TO SNORGLE HIS MANE AND CRAZY PUNK FORELOCK AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I can’t believe she got on the plane without packing Rusty in her carry-on. That’s tragic!
I’ve seen dogs bigger than those horses, so I’m pretty sure it’s okay to dress them up. Also, someone did it once:
http://www.visitscotland.com/blog/scotland/shetla…
If not for “Misandrist Fairy Tales”, this might have the title of Favorite Thing I’ve Seen [so far] On The Toast.
I’m just sitting here making ridiculous high-pitched squeaking sounds. Like a guinea pig with the hiccups.
Most important question: DID THE BABY MEET THE TINY HORSES
WHAT DID SHE THINK
Vital information. The world needs to know.
I care about this a lot, guys.
OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to hug them and squeeze them and pet them and brush their beautiful ombre manes and and and and……..
…call them George?
Thank you, Bitsy, for finishing my thought!
My life will be incomplete now if I don’t have a miniature horse. Do you suppose they can be trained as service assistance horses? Then my neighborhood would have let me have one.
They can! They are used by blind people with terrible dog allergies. When the ADA decided they had opinions on what was and was not a service animal they included miniature horses along with dogs and monkeys and very little else.
Also Google suggests “service miniature horses” before “service minimum wage”. So, you know, that’s a thing.
SERVICE MINIATURE HORSES oh my god this is the best thing i have read all day.
though actually wow think about how hard it is having to remind people that it’s seriously unhelpful to distract service dogs by fussing over them — they must be a thousand times worse when it is a MINIATURE HORSE and it is the cutest.
Yes! A woman in my hometown had one. It had a little handle harness just like a dog.
BABYPONNNNIEEEEESSSSSSSSSS.
yes.
this was a fun scroll-venture, watching Mallory’s eyes get progressively more hysterical
also, mini horses, I guess.
I had to create an account because the mental image of Mallory swearing at a miniature horse is SO FUNNY TO ME. (My boss got a teeny tiny Welsh mare off Craigslist a few months ago and she still cannot stop saying “FUCK you’re cute” at the pony every time she sees her. Apparently this reaction never goes away.)
:::: goes to Craigslist to laugh at missed connections, finds a horse, gets it ::::
I cannot figure out how these things go together, but I will accept it.
Find your nearest horsey friend and ask them how they feel about the Farm & Garden section. This is totally a thing.
I made some really inappropriate sqealing noises at reference. They look so gloriously fuzzy and warm!
Godiva btw would make a killer Li’l Sebastian impersonator!
~RIP~
That one gelding dude with the stoner-guy center-part hair? He’s cool.
The BABIES! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
When we got to the “we’re going to look at the babies now” part, my brain went OH GOD THEY GET EVEN SMALLER AND CUTER?! I had thought Godiva was one of the babies.
oh man I’m trying not to cry laugh in the library as I scroll through this a second time
…attempt failed.
OH MY GOD LITTLE HORSES AND THEN LITTLER LITTLE HORSES.
A MILLION LIL’ SEBASTIANS!!!!!
Hahahaha this is my favorite thing on the internet now. Oh, you two.
This reminds of one of my favourite work days ever. We went to a somewhat challenging offsite meeting with my manager and it was close-ish to the acreage where she lives so we stopped and I got to feed her miniature horses carrots and snuggle them and pet them. It was great.
oh my god so many lil sebastians!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaah! I would have the exact same reaction. My friends and I were driving around and stopped to get ice cream and came across a farm that had miniature donkeys and I lost my damn mind. And now no one wants to rent a Zipcar to get ice cream 40 minutes outside of Boston so I can play with the miniature donkeys because all of my friends apparently hate joy.
That third picture is perfection. The looks on both of their faces!
Just wait ’til you find out about the miniature donkeys…
It’s a life goal of mine to see miniature llamas in person.
I love this post so much
We need an update-Where Are They Now? for Rusty and Thunder, please.
Did their Band work out?
Iiiiiiiiiiiiis it? an Into the West reference?