Dr. Spaceman, Grizz, and Dot Com are not minor characters, shut your mouth.
26. Howard Jorgensen
“I was a lot like you. I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair. And I cursed like a sailor. But Jack saw potential in me. He changed my life.”
Howard is the Liz-who-might-have-been, the Liz who took Jack’s advice instead of resisting him every step of the way. She lives with Gretchen Thomas on a Connecticut farm (they’re redoing the kitchen) and has finally learned how to knit.
25. Jeffrey Weinerslav
“It’s pronounced Wiener-slave.”
I would watch a spin-off that’s just Jeffrey and Lutz hugging each other and doing crafts together in quiet contentment. It would be deeply soothing.
24. Cooter Burger (James Riley)
“They’re written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water… But now you’re here. You’re here and everything’s gonna be better. Now we’ve got pens. Glorious pens!” No one telegraphs quiet desperation like Matthew Broderick.
23. The entire cast of Black Frasier
“That’s not the only thing around here that’s fruity and precocious!” Excellent, nuanced Frasier burn.
22. The actual Frasier
I would watch any of the following: the fake one-man Lincoln show Kelsey Grammar puts on to distract the 30 Rock crew, or a remake of The Sting with Kelsey Grammar as Paul Newman’s character and Jane Krakowski as Robert Redford’s.
21. Simon Behrens
“Yeah. I’ve seen a bra or two.”
It’s a dead heat between him and Josh Girard’s agent from Season One (“I’ve got a real bad sex addiction…This is going to be one serious negosh. We are not smiles times, my friend.”)
20. Donald (Tracy’s fake son)
“Well. We’ll see who’s still in business 200 years from now.”
Donald may be the creepiest minor character on a show that produced creepy minor characters at terrifying speed. Creepier even than the fanged and finned Leap Day Williams, his slow, haunting smile still keeps me up at night. No one can imbue “Hello, Daddy” with quite the same sense of drawling horror.
19. The creepy little blue dude Tracy sees when he goes off his meds in “Tracy Does Conan,” and who Liz also sees after she can’t finish her blood cookie
18. Jerum
Who among us does not love Jerum? Who among us would not stuff our mouths full of cheese and learn all of the dance moves in order to impress him? It’s not that much cheese, but it’s a start.
17. Pennsylvania coal miners who hate living exactly halfway between DC and New York City
“God, I wish this town weren’t exactly halfway between DC and New York.”
16. Liz Lemon’s lesbian gym teacher
“Lemon, don’t let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.” I want to set her up with the lesbian gym teacher from Clueless and get breakfast together on the weekends.
15. Sasha
Sasha may forget us (“And your name is probably something like…Me-liss-ahhh”), but we will never forget him, nor his glorious hair.
14. Moonvest
We would give you our fingernails, Mr. Moonvest. All you have to do is ask.
13. The Hair
Liz should have married him. Cousin or no, she should have married him. He had an elevator that went just to his apartment, and he shared her love of arguing with convenience-store clerks.
12. Virginia Jordan
Calling Liz on her shit.
11. Not Hazel.
We love Kristen Schaal, but good God, not Hazel.
10. The host of “Homonym”
30 Rock has a glorious history of coming up with fake game shows (Are You Stronger Than A Dog?, Gold Case), but something about this host’s impish glee in stymying his contestants makes him stand out. “Nope! Sorry; it’s the other one.”
9. Lenny Wosniak
The world’s saddest private investigator. If you sign up for his gym, he gets a free hat.
8. Deborah from MILF Island
One of the editors of The Toast owns a MILF Island T-shirt. Guess which one.
7. The terrifying, mysterious bald man who wakes Liz Lemon up with a kiss each day
WHO IS HE.
6. Whoopi Goldberg
Why isn’t she doing the same workout routine as her backup dancers? Because she’s Whoopi Goldberg, and if she wants to do a weighted shrug, she’ll do a weighted shrug.
5. Bob (“my favorite move is the shoulder shake”) and Joyce (“63 years young”) from the Timeless Torches
“My name is Bob, I’m 61 years old, my favorite move is the shoulder shake.”
“My name is Joyce, I’m 63 years young, and my favorite move is the Dougie.”
“My name is Liz, I’m 39 years old (for the third time), and my favorite move is Sunset Arms.”
4. The Crabcatchers
“Why do you have a seatbelt tattoo?”
“So I don’t get pulled over when I’m driving topless!”
3. Twofer as Sammy Davis, Jr.
Keith Powell is a damn treasure. “Black, Jewish, one eye, a white wife…It was a big tent back then.”
2. Will Forte as Tomas (Paul was great, but not minor)
Maybe it’s the bowl cut, maybe it’s the way he says “grapes.” The Hapsburg line may have ended, but we always know where we can pick up our gift bags: ze coat check.
1. The Republican with the out-of-place confession
“My kids go to public school.”
“I’m gay.”
“I’m black.”
“I murdered my wife.”
This list is entirely complete and 100% accurate. Nothing is missing, even if you think that there is.
Tags: 30 rock, if mallory and nicole had not agreed completely with each other’s choices in this list the toast would have disbanded, minor is a descriptor not an insult, television
One Halloween, we dressed up as Werewolf Bar Mitzvah and the Plastic Bag Caught in the Tree! Sad to see neither were mentioned, unless they fall below #26 (and also Werewolf Bar Mitzvah is not exactly a character).
Always wanted to be the Blue Man, though.
Yeah, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah is perfect, but I wouldn’t call it a character.
I once had Werewolf Bar Mitzvah (all two lines of it) stuck in my head for six hours. It was excruciating but somehow I still think it’s a funny gag!
There’s a full version! I’m sorry/you’re welcome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6V2oCX3Hn4
I’m not sure if my small involuntary scream was in terror or excitement…
Is this the right place to say that the lyrics to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah always bugged me? Tell me this (new, improved) version isn’t perfection:
Werewolf bar mitzvah
Spooky scary
Boys becoming men
Men becoming hairy
I can only say that I wish that I had known of those lyrics in 2012.
YES! I’ve been saying the same, complete with amended lyric, for YEEEEEEARS.
(No, really: FOR YEEEEEEARS.)
I knew The Toast was my home. I have found my people.
This year I am going as a moon scientist who, SPOILER ALERT, may herself be a werewolf.
*cough* Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath
Carmen Chao and her mysterious ethnicity is another good choice.
TRACY JR IS NUMBER ONE
You know what he packed me for lunch this morning? Mayonnaise and a pack of cigarettes!
YOU SPELLED “THE ENTIRE CAST OF HOMONYM” WRONG
BUZZ MOTHERFUCKING ALDRIN
Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
RETURN TO THE NIGHT!
I WALKED ON YOUR FACE!
Personally I am partial to Gay Kid and White Kid Just Trying to Go Unnoticed: http://youtu.be/_4VllYDFKds
Creepy little blue dude should have been ranked higher. It’s a goddamn conspiracy.
Commendations on a great tribute to a great show.
I need more Dr. Double-Hook Jon Hamm though. . . .
Jeremy, the face-humping lizard.
Argus the peacock!
This is HIGHLY relevant to my interests.
My favorite is Pam. “I’m a certified babysitter, and I just got internet in my room! Now, which one of you is Janna?”
Shout out to Leap Day William. He’s right behind you!!!!
Oh there is nothing like New York in the spring! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX4MoaTFp9g
GOOD LORD YES THIS ONE
What about John Slattery and Alan Alda’s characters? Just because they were played by John Slattery and Alan Alda. (Two of my dream uncles!)
Obligatory: http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5124/5250357266_66…
Goo goo ga ga
NEVER FORGET:
Also I am in love with Dotcom and would watch him in the Ibsen play of his choosing.
I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM.
There is NOTHING minor about D’fwan.
god, yes, this is perfect. watching the clips on silent on my phone under a desk at a nurses station that is in a hospital that I also technically work at. laughing, and then sighing. reliving so many beautiful television memories. much professional.
I am going to start saying “much professional.”
reading the toast, ‘stead of sending out depo notices: “much professional.”
If you’re at a nurse’s station, then you HAVE to watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abVadyreVJo
several of my coworkers are from Caribbean countries and yeah, I think about this alllll the time
Patrice though!
Patrice: Oh Melissa, your face is on the phone. Soccer practice is over and you need to pick it up!
Liz: “That’s a pretty good burn, Patrice.
MIZZ AND DOT GOV
I really want to buy Steve Buscemi’s t-shirt, but would people get it? And if they do, would they think it’s funny or just dumb? Why do I care? Who am I? What am I doing here?
I love the buscemi shirt.
Hey, I just realized the blue blobby thing is Rachel Dratch.
OH MY GOD
That was the thing I liked most about the first several episodes, was that they all featured Rachel Dratch as a different minor character.
Like Jadwiga the cleaning lady! Who is obviously NOT minor, right?
FRRAAAAAAJJJJJJERRRR.
Oh god I thought you skipped Angie Jordan and Colleen Donaghy, but I will accept their elimination due to being SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT.
QUEEN LATIFAH.
I am also partial to Bev, the adoption agency lady (aka Tammy Swanson).
Who could forget Johnny Mountain?
NORTH KOREA
EVERYTHING SUNNY ALL THE TIME ALWAYS
GOOD TIME
BEACH PARTY
TOO BIG
Ms. Gaulke, Assistant Mgr of Mailboxes Plus (I sent Malik uptown for more 18-inch boxes, but he returned *unrepentant* with 12-inch ones.)
Portia (reads the papers)
Donna from sound editing
Hector Moreda and the entire cast of Los Amantes Clandestinos
DONNNAAAAAA
DONNNAAA STRUUUUUUUNK
Her delivery of UNREPENTANT has become a very serious catchphrase around my house.
I hope it is accompanied by a thoroughly exasperated shrug and facial expression.
I am also fond of “I supervise 12 employees, most of whom would be unemployable in any other field.”
This means that Wesley Snipes is officially a major character, right? (GANGWAY FOR FOOTCYCLE)
That’s like saying “all the women have bread-back.”
WESLEY SNIPES, BELOVED.
Gretchen Thomas though!
GRIZZ’S FIANCEE, FEYONCE.
“I’m a ghost now.” Kelsey!!
“I want to set her up with the lesbian gym teacher from Clueless and get breakfast together on the weekends.”
YES THIS INTERMEDIA SHIPPING PLEASE