A Real-Life Version of The Descent Where Everyone Lives

by Mallory Ortberg · November 20, 2013

thedescentYes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

An all-woman team of spelunking scientists has retrieved hundreds of fossils from a 100-foot-deep (30-meter-deep) cave in South Africa — including the cranium from what appears to be a prehistoric humanlike creature.

Yes. Yes. Of course that is what today needed; an entirely female team of cavers to fling themselves into the steaming, black corners of the earth and retrieve the bones of our ancestors, clawing them back into the light of the sun. Could it possibly get any better than that? (Yes.)

But the scientists tapped to go into the cave and bring up the fossils were required to have an almost superhuman combination of talents.

They had to have a master’s degree or Ph.D. in paleontology, archaeology or an associated field. They had to be experienced cavers. And they had to be able to fit through a 7-inch-wide (18-centimeter-wide) choke point in the passage leading to the chamber. Fifty-seven qualified researchers applied for the job. Six were chosen: Lindsay Eaves, Marina Elliott, Elen Feuerriegel, Alia Gurtov, Hannah Morris and Becca Peixotto.

“It ended up that the most qualified human beings on this planet to do this very dangerous, very remarkable job were young women,” Berger said in a video profile of the “underground astronauts.”

UNDERGROUND ASTRONAUTS. Who just so HAPPEN to be young women with amazing names. Can you imagine the first time they met? Like an Ocean’s 11 of female scientists, everyone striding around in tight but practical breeches, with archaeology belts and a little swipe of dirt on their cheekbones and introducing themselves with hearty, friendly, frank handshakes. “Elen. Elen Feuerriegel.” A nod of recognition. “Alia Gurtov.”

They bring the fossils up in a human chain, did you know that? Woman passing history on to woman. Leslie Knope would be shitting herself, if she were there and cared as much about archaeology as she does about small-town governance and also if she were real. Under those conditions, she would decidedly shit herself. ”Lots of celebration out here. Rising moon, beautiful evening, and twenty celebrating people,” Hawks wrote. WOMEN HEAVING SECRET BONES OUT OF THEIR GRAVES UNDER THE LIGHT OF A BLESSED MOON ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

After coming up to the surface, the bones are taken into a “SCIENCE” tent where they’re compared with replicas of previously found hominin skulls and other bones.

“HEAVE, women! HEAVE, astronauts of the soil! Ahhh…well done. Another set of bones successfully retrieved.”

“Where should we put them?”

“Why, we shall put them in the Science tent, the Science tent, the Science tent, hey nonny nonny hey!”

[Pause for an all-women dance about the Maypole, I pass out and die of happiness]

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48 Comments

  1. JocastaCarr +21

    Oh. OH. OH MY GODDESS. WHY IS THIS NOT MY LIFE???? *flails* (because I flail and am not nearly coordinated/strong enough to be a caver?) – HUSH, SELF. I WILL BE A SUPER LADY CAVING SCIENTIST, DAMMIT

  2. elsamac +19

    I never even knew how dearly I wanted to sit down and explain archaeological passion to Leslie Knope, probably over waffles because sure why not, and now I know I must have this experience or die with my heart reduced to ashes, yet I never can. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, MALLORY? I VOW TO HAVE MY VENGEANCE…

    … or just waffles, I guess I could just have waffles.

  3. anxious_mofo +51

    holy shit Feuerriegel literally means “firebolt”! Am I wrong? Beacuse this story just wasn’t badass enough.

    1. JocastaCarr +37

      And Elen/Helen (according to my cursory Googling) means “light”. Her name is Light Firebolt. Firebolt of Light. *agog*

  4. jhsaxena +22

    Uhhh how small do you have to be to fit through a 7-inch chokepoint!? Are these child underground astronaut geniuses???

    2. MilesofMountain +11

      I watched the video just for this question! They are pretty tiny ladies, and they show one of them going through the chokepoint and it seriously looks like all of her bones just dissolve and she wriggles through. It’s pretty amazing.

      1. jhsaxena +22

        I just finished the video and one of the women says “tickled pink to be here” and omg crush

        1. thebellewitch +5

          Seriously, I just fell in love with all of them. Super-smart, super-competent caving archaeologist is like my ideal self. (Which I am not remotely close to being.)

      1. mandarinmarie +5

        Yeah, I watched the video and it looks like it’s 7 inches in one direction, so basically all of them are thin ladies with small bosoms (although the clearance doesn’t look great in the other direction either, to be honest).

        1. rkfire +3

          Oh man.. or small butts and heads. (I’m trying to imagine myself doing this and for my own body, the chest area is not the problem..)

    4. Rabbit +16

      Jaya,

      As someone who was on the expedition I can tell you that Becca in particular is Hobbit sized (myself- I weigh 48kgs) and each and every single person who could squeeze through the gap had bruisers all over their bodies- we (cavers and scientists alike) looked more like leopards. But each bruise was worth it.

  5. allabee +9

    . . . Th–they have to fit through a seven-inch hole? Their whole bodies or. . . just like an arm?

  6. NicoleCliffe +11

    The Descent is my all-time favourite anything, and I saw it no fewer than three times in the theater.

    1. roxythroatpunch +9

      The Descent is the only movie that’s ever made me actually scream out loud. I watched a solid chunk of it from around the corner of my living room.

      1. amandacdavis +2

        I saw this in theaters too, and the jump scare (YOU know the one) just brought the house down. Terrific.

  7. karenbowness +17

    dear hollywood: make this movie now. you can add a scary demon at the bottom of the cave, whatevs, but do it!

  9. briliantmistake +34

    Troglonauts? (Underground astronauts sounds like they are secret astronauts, which would also be supercool)

  10. cosmia +7

    UM I COULD’VE USED A TRIGGER WARNING FOR THAT IMAGE

    I CANNOT THINK OF THE DESCENT WITHOUT BURSTING INTO TERRIFIED TEARS

  12. Doctor Jay +5

    I’m going to be all nervous and upset for the rest of the afternoon after imagining being asked to move myself through a 7-inch-wide choke point in a cave. I think the last time I did something like that was when I was 8 years old. [shudders]

  15. czargasm +37

    I just cried over how brilliant this was (both the article and the event). My favorite things in this world are 1) The Descent 2) Women being awesome 3) People singing hey nonny nonny 4) Gummy bears (unrelated) 5) SCIENCE TENTS 6) Teamwork that does not involve me needing to participate in a team 7) Mallory (related) 8) Women being better than men 9) Cool prehistoric archaeology shit 10) ANCIENT AFRICA.

    So in conclusion perfect.

  16. clairebm +4

    This is amazing and makes my policy-lawyer job look decidedly dull…actually come to think of it most jobs make mine look dull…is there still time for me to be an archeologist??

  19. mizchalmers +10

    I just sprayed this across every social media account I have. It’s like the chestbursting alien of a geekfeminist joy-trigger.

  20. johannespunkt +5

    I love this. I love the enthusiasm, and I love the facts presented. And … dare I say it, I love the comment field. [[hugs the comment field]]

  26. tattie +8

    Did you know they were called The Rising Star Expedition? Because they conquered the Rising Star Cave. The RISING STAR Cave. That’s the name, for real. Too perfect. Praise all around.

  27. Passing_Strange +6

    I really, really hope that all these women google their names and find this article, because how neat would it be to read this about yourself?

  29. Amanda C. Davis

    I saw this in theaters too, and the jump scare (YOU know the one) just brought the house down. Terrific.