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Home: The Toast

Mallory said it was okay to be proud of being just a little bit gay, even if that’s just really liking Kate McKinnon and thinking about her randomly, at odd moments, so now you have to listen to me break down McKinnon’s Angela Merkel impression.

Here is the video. If you are Canadian (and probably if you are from Australia, or other places, too) you may not be able to see it. That’s okay, because I’m going to tell you about it in exhaustive detail, and I’m sure you have some sort of workaround network that will be revealed in the comments.

Have you watched it yet? I mean, don’t lose your job over it. Let’s begin.

1. Correct pronounciation of “Ahngella” by Cecily Strong.

The Germans have their own ways.

2. Correct use of “mobile” over “cell phone.”

It’s the little things.

3. The way her eyes flit down and to the right when she says “eins is the loneliest number.”

McKinnon’s Merkel is deeply sympathetic. How would you like it if the NSA had access to all your personal electronic data? Ho ho ho ho. Semi-seriously, though, McKinnon uses the weird rigidity of the imagined Merkel to make her obvious embarrassment really touching.

4. “During this time, I also sent many tiny ee-youuu-mails. You call this…(slightly recoils head, bares teeth) texts.”

The best line readings in the history of the world. Anyone can do an accent to humourous effect. But if the accent is the joke, it’s only half a joke. I don’t even know how to write out how she said “eu-mails.” “Eughh-mails?” It’s perfect.

5. She looks up to gather emotional strength before telling us about the many shameful tiny ooo-mails she has sent, including to her ex-boyfriend Friedrichs: “Sorry, wrong Friedrichs. But how are you doing?”

The charm is in the thinness of the facade. We’re her friends now. She’s okay telling us about her transparent play to attract Friedrichs’ attention. She also knows it was transparent. Angela Merkela is no fool, just undone by love as are the rest of us orbiting the sun on our fragile blue planet.

6. The moment when she loses all composure, as it occurs to her that Barack Obama may have seen her Google search history.

Let’s draw a momentary veil over her pain.

7. “No, we have a saying in Germany: once the cat is out of the bag you should the cat up in the public square und shake it until it dies.”

That’s the whole idea of confessional blogging, right there.

8. The contents of her search history:

a) “angela merkel lame”
b) “angela merkel boxy”
c) “is toe hair normal?”
d) “nickelback tour schedule”
e) “jason segel no shirt”

9. What Barack Obama’s search history is probably like, according to Merkel:

a) “how to manage your many friends”
b) “what is the healthiest vegetable” (perfect moue of disdain and mild envy)
c) “can your marriage be too happy?”
d) jason segel fully clothed

10. Her little litany of success as she begins to perk back up, freed by her disclosure, joined in the spirit of sisterhood with Cecily and her female audience, mildly sexually charged by the attention of her male audience.

Germany sounds pretty great right now! Female leaders!

11. “I’m a proud hater of dogs.”

Have you googled “angela merkel hates dogs?” yet? Will you? Did you like her little strut of satisfaction on that one?

12. “I’m doing all right.”

Yes, you are. Yes you are.

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