Previously: Before Peter Pan.
Things had gotten weird almost immediately. “Spring is a really busy time for me,” he told her — seemingly out of nowhere, as if it were self-explanatory — a few minutes after she broke the news.
“Okay,” she said slowly. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“I just can’t say if I know for sure that I’ll be around all the time. Spring is so busy.”
“You keep saying that,” she said, “but I’m not exactly sure what it’s busy with.”
He gestured vaguely with his antlers. “I have a lot of meetings.”
“I don’t know what that word means,” she said.
“Well, you should,” he said.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“But you’ll be there for the birth, right?” No answer. “Right?” He looked up.
“Sorry,” he said, “I thought I heard a quail.” They were quiet for a minute. “Do you hear it?”
“I don’t think so,” she said.
“I thought I heard one,” he said. “That’s one of the things that keeps me busy, you know? Sometimes quails need me.”
“No, no, I know,” she said quickly.
“So I really can’t say with 100% certainty either way where I will or won’t be.”
“Oh,” she said.
“Look, I don’t want you to worry about it. If anything — if anything happens to you, then I want you to know that I’ll be happy to check in on him when I can. I mean that. I really want you to think of me as a godfather to him.”
“But you’re his actual father.”
“Well, you say that, but…”
She lowered her eyes. “You know I haven’t been with anyone else.”
“No offense,” he said, “like honestly no offense at all, but I don’t know that. You just said it. People can say anything. So.”
“Oh,” she said.
“Don’t be like that,” he said.
“Like what,” she said.
“I’m not saying you have been,” he said, “or even that you haven’t. I’m just saying that ontologically speaking, it’s impossible for me to know.”
“Right,” she said.
“I have to go,” he said. “I definitely hear a quail now.”
Tags: bambi, deadbeat dads, dialogue
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She needs to write him a Deer John letter and get on with her life.
Sounds like they both enjoyed the fawnication, though.
But when that’s all you’ve got, you’re stuck in a rut.
So you’re saying she no longer wants him to Thumper?
Nick!! You leave Thumper out of this!
Yeah! If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say nothin’ at all!
I agree. He’s passing the buck.
I mean, sleeping with a guy like that? That’s a forehead-slapper. “D’OE!”
Exactly. Even if she convinced him to get married, she’d only end up cervine him with divorce papers in the end.
Yeah, but any more kids in that that relationship and you’re looking at a stag nation.
Yeah, she needs to cut to the chase, no more bedding with him, get off the beaten path and hoof it.
She’s gonna have to salt lick this addiction to bad boys.
At least he’s obvious dead weight, shedding him should be easy.
That, right there, gets to the hart of the matter.
(I know this is late, but the swiss cheese puns reminded me I thought of this one as I was falling asleep last night. Yes, I think about the Toast when I’m falling asleep.)
And then I felt no guilt for liking venison.
Sequel idea: Bambi forms a coalition with the other fawns to go after the King of the Forest for back child support. Faline passes the bar, and wins a huge injunction against him, sending the stag into debt and destitution when it is found out that he’s the father of 75% of all fawns in the area. Thumper and Flower become paralegals assisting in the case.
Title: Legally Fawn
Melis, this is extremely good and I’m sorry I immediately debased it with puns.
Debased…or *honored*?
No you’re not
DOE!
Next on Maury Povich: Doe and deer — a deadbeat deer.
This is just rendered so perfectly.
In his defense, quails are always getting into trouble. Most of us have long since given up on those hapless idiots, but some folks still see something worth saving.
Quails, ugh.
Saving…for dinner?
It’s true. All quails remind me of this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7QAiz2DQgY
“…I really want you to think of me as a godfather to him.”
“But you’re his actual father.”
HA!
But the King of the Forest has to develop a certain mental and emotional distance, since most of his baby mamas end up shot and dead within a couple years anyway. He’s got does in different area codes.
Terrible fathers have always been the secret ingredient in Disney magic (because the dead mothers were never a secret). Thank you for finally calling out the lurking bastards who’ve been sliding under the radar all these years.
I don’t think I have given immediate thumbs up to this many comments on one thread ever.
like honestly no offense at all
My fist clenched all by itself!
As Thumper said: “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Except about Bambi’s dad, because he’s a total asshole.”
As Thumper said: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. Except about Bambi's dad, because he's a total asshole."