An Actual, Real-Life “Dads’ Club Meeting”

by Mallory Ortberg · February 6, 2014

DADSFebruary 5: DADS CLUB

Every day thereafter: CANCELLED DUE TO EVERYONE BEING AT DADS CLUB

Somewhere in Oakland last night a human dad said the phrase “Gentlemen, please — I hereby call this meeting of Dads’ Club to order.”

Good night, everyone. I have loved you all.


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50 Comments

  1. anninyn +67

    do you think a good proportion of every meeting is given over to teaching each other new, terrible jokes

    1. EPWordsnatcher +80

      ORDERS OF BUSINESS:

      1. New jokes
      2. Late winter squirrel defense strategy
      3. Weather
      4. Awards for achievements in winter grilling
      5. Distribution of Home Depot sales flyers
      6. Old jokes
      7. Shoes

      1. aravisthequeen +31

        3b. Snow removal strategies and options

        5b. Fervent discussion of Home Depot versus Lowe’s versus “that guy you know”

        2. GreenGrasses +27

          9. Naps on the couch preceded by proclaiming that dinner “really hit the spot.”

          I should call my dad right now and tell him I love him.

      3. PonyAlong +12

        Your list is utterly awesome and altogether true and if my Dad was still with us, would be nodding in furious agreement.

      4. maccrocodile +39

        Point of order: I believe it is standard protocol to take care of old jokes before moving on to any new jokes. Some members here have jokes about tv shows from the mid-90s that deserve a hearing.

    2. Samk12345 +11

      What would they talk about in meetings though maybe they just meet and hit each other with clubs (i saw fight club once)

      1. nightsstar +23

        $2 red reader glasses from CVS. You will lose and/or break them within a couple days, curse, buy the exact same pair, and repeat.

          1. Firoola +21

            Or just steal your wife’s pair, and fail to understand why your children laugh uproariously at the sight of you in pink floral frames that are demonstrably too narrow for your head. Bonus points if you then complain about the price of getting them re-tightened.

    2. shesascreamingsuffragette +53

      Yeah, I’m basically never going to be happy until we have a “The Toast goes undercover at Dad’s Club” investigative report.

        1. mslizwatson +30

          When shall we Dads meet again?
          In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

          *vigorous discussion of best methods to weatherproof your home against the aforementioned elements follows*

  5. jhsaxena +45

    If anyone knows of a Dads Club in NYC the staff of Dad Magazine would like to attend for research.

      3. jhsaxena +50

        “So, where do your kids go to school?”
        “Oh we’re not actually parents. Just Dad Enthusiasts.”

    1. deleted7410012 +17

      THIS IS REAL. I walked past it this morning by the Rockridge BART station. DADS. DADS.

      dads.

  8. Narvi +38

    Is it true that you only get to be a Dad if you have daughters, otherwise your eldest son being obligated to murder you and eat your heart to gain your strength when he comes of age?

    Of course, these are modern times, I’m sure even a daughter could decide to eat her father’s heart and gain his strength. Feminism!

      1. Narvi +5

        I don’t know, have you been teaching the eldest the True Ways so that he may ambush you when he has grown tall and strong and you have grown weak in your dotage?

  9. doc_dk +7

    This is awesome and making me feel much more indulgent of my own dad. The next time he says something I find super annoying I am just going to zone out and picture him in Dad’s Club (well, I’ll try atleast).

  10. McGravin +9

    I really hope “DADS” is an acronym for something, but that one of the D’s stands for “Dads”. “Dads Against Drunk Sexting” or perhaps “Donuts And Dads Society”.

  11. itsreal +27

    My dad was The Dad’s Club at my elementary school back in the day! They did things like repaint benches at the school and design an overly terrifying haunted house for halloween. Home depot featured prominently.

  12. Lance +15

    Thanks for the mention about nyc dads group. We’re just an active meet-up group of caring dads who enjoy spending time with their children. It’s been a wonderful social outlet since going on this crazy journey we call parenthood. -lance, nycdadsgroup.com

    1. EPWordsnatcher +7

      LANCE, they do so much dad coverage here, you have no idea. It’s pretty great. You guys should check out the past Dad Magazine covers and see if we’ve got things correct.

  13. maya +10

    Okay so that’s my local middle school, Claremont (Oakland) and I know some of those very dads! They have an awesome club t-shirt because this being Oakland, of course one of the dads is a graphic artist. I should get Mallory one.
    Aaand. There are two principals and they are twins. Twin co-principals! They were on This American Life.