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Home: The Toast

So I am getting married in May (to some jerk, you have not heard of her) and I need to buy a shirt. I have some shirts, yes, but they are not wedding shirts. I need to debut a shirt at my wedding. And I like to look nice, dang it, so something a teeny bit fashion forward sounds like the way to go! Unfortunately every retailer of shirt has not gotten the message because literally all I can find is the following nonsense. These are all from REGULAR STORES:

all animals

Do you know what is extravagant? Animal print. So what if we had EVERY ANIMAL on the shirt? Yes, good idea. A veritable noah’s ark, but on a shirt for a man to wear! Outside, where anyone can see. Also, what if it were red? Yeah, like animal blood! Perfect.

magic eye

If you look at this shirt for a while and let your eyes unfocus, you can actually see a lil boat! Wow

picnic

for the man who has everything and still wants to become a human picnic

TIGER TIGER TIGER

this would work pretty well for my Power Rangers: WILD FORCE-themed wedding but that girl did NOT pan out

tribal

finally, “tribal” bullshit but for men! misandry has been defeated, congrats everyone

uncle tie

I am 95% sure my uncle has a tie with this print on it

whoops

For the man that wants to look like he was standing in the wrong place when some very speedy house painters came by

tartan

this would be a very nice way to look exactly like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Harley Quinn had a kid, so it’s actually pretty neat

boring

so boring! Get your shit together, designers, I’m snoozin’ over here!

oh okay

oh nevermind! found it.

Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

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