I Demand to Know What is Going On With Men’s Shirts These Days

by Matt Lubchansky · March 21, 2014

So I am getting married in May (to some jerk, you have not heard of her) and I need to buy a shirt. I have some shirts, yes, but they are not wedding shirts. I need to debut a shirt at my wedding. And I like to look nice, dang it, so something a teeny bit fashion forward sounds like the way to go! Unfortunately every retailer of shirt has not gotten the message because literally all I can find is the following nonsense. These are all from REGULAR STORES:

all animals

Do you know what is extravagant? Animal print. So what if we had EVERY ANIMAL on the shirt? Yes, good idea. A veritable noah’s ark, but on a shirt for a man to wear! Outside, where anyone can see. Also, what if it were red? Yeah, like animal blood! Perfect.

magic eye

If you look at this shirt for a while and let your eyes unfocus, you can actually see a lil boat! Wow

picnic

for the man who has everything and still wants to become a human picnic

TIGER TIGER TIGER

this would work pretty well for my Power Rangers: WILD FORCE-themed wedding but that girl did NOT pan out

tribal

finally, “tribal” bullshit but for men! misandry has been defeated, congrats everyone

uncle tie

I am 95% sure my uncle has a tie with this print on it

whoops

For the man that wants to look like he was standing in the wrong place when some very speedy house painters came by

tartan

this would be a very nice way to look exactly like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Harley Quinn had a kid, so it’s actually pretty neat

boring

so boring! Get your shit together, designers, I’m snoozin’ over here!

oh okay

oh nevermind! found it.


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71 Comments

  2. icebergmama +61

    I actually think a leopard print themed wedding would be fuckin boss. you should wear that shirt with a red suit & camel color alligator shoes & your lovely anonymous bride can wear a leopard-print ballgown style dress with red tulle underneath the skirt

  3. nickpavich +106

    You know back in my day, men wore these things called “suits” to their weddings. You see you’re getting married Matthew (far above your station) you’re not going to some shitkicker line dance at the Golden Spur.

    1. mattielubchansky +97

      I’ll have you know I had a motherfucking three-piece MADE for this thing man. I just need a leopard print shirt to tie the whole ensemble together.

      ps screw u old man

          1. brigidkeely +30

            A friend of mine attended a wedding where the “wedding buffet” was bags of Wonder Bread and bologna with a mayo jar with a knife sticking out of it. The bridge and groom were 18 and ditched their own reception to go to White Castle.

          2. YeahJustAlice +9

            I could have sworn you were going to finish this story with the words ‘photographs are available on Pinterest’.

          3. mbculver +8

            Forget writing this, Matt and Jaya should DO this for their wedding, take lots of photos (or draw cartoons) and write a 5,000-word piece about it for The Toast afterwards. I’d totally pay for this (the piece, not the wedding).

            (Just kidding, you guys, you do not have to have a Teenage Dirtbag-themed wedding to please the whims and follies of Toasties.)

  4. mollpants +51

    Let’s not lie; I’d wear all of these.

    edit: actually Matt where are the links to purchase them though

    edit edit: thank god I didn’t buy that orca submersible Jaya posted the other day so I can afford that TIGER SHIRT

  5. osutein +45

    I think if you can’t wear that tiger shirt to your wedding, you may need to rethink this whole relationship.

  6. cuminafterall +12

    This shirt would be a cool kind of monogram if your name were actually Matthew Caesar Quackenbush

    Also, this one, oh my god

  7. turanga_leela +13

    To tell you the truth these are all so much more awesome than the powder blue tux my date wore to prom.

    Yes it was the 80’s and yes I am old.

    1. evieskye +21

      Oh blue tuxes… you turn up every so often and are usually hideous. My parents got married in 1976 and my Dad rocked the velvet blue tuxedo with powder blue waterfall-ruffle shirt.

    2. mattielubchansky +23

      you don’t know how HARD it is for me to not post this photo of my dad on his wedding day in a hairy brown tux with a puffy pirate shirt right now

    3. lemonadefish +5

      I desperately wanted Mr. LF in a ruffly blue tuxedo for our wedding. He would have none of it, and wore beige linen pants and a white linen shirt. Bo-ring!

  10. mattielubchansky +68

    NOTE: HUMAN PICNIC would be a rad name for a sex act if anyone’s got writer’s block on a cool move that they’ve already prepared

  11. Standard Tuber +40

    These shirts beg for accessories.
    1. Leather bracelets
    2. Gold chain necklace(s)
    3. Bike shorts
    4. Glittery pants/leggings
    5. Sarong and sandals
    6. Pleather fanny pack
    7. Straw fedora
    8. Two-patterned Vans
    9. Waiter’s apron
    10. Fishnet stockings

  13. Nicolarz +42

    I blame Two and a Half Men, just like I blame it for every other atrocity that’s happened in the last ten years.

  14. eliana23 +18

    All animals blood colored shirt is clearly meant for weddings. Just do it–that’s how you’ll know if the woman really loves you.

  16. deleted2845473 +14

    Is the third one down that ridiculous SkyMall shirt that’s “as unique as you are” or whatever? I’m not a dude but the catalog copy really has me sold on that thing.

    1. osutein +17

      I sometimes think about giving one year subscriptions to SkyMall as Christmas presents.

      1. daisicles +5

        If you were my friend and gave me a year’s subscription to SkyMall, I would love you forever. And ever.

      1. jhsaxena +27

        “Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened.” How delightfully terrifying.

        The reviews are even better.

      2. hergart +36

        I loved this part of one review:

        “+ Pros: chick magnet
        – Cons: woman repellant”

        A thinking dude-bro’s shirt, man.

        1. safvn +20

          my favorite review: “i was gonna rate this product “its cool i guess” but went with 5 out of 5″

      4. shahea +3

        One of the single reasons I enjoy flying it checking out the batshit crazy stuff Skymall has hatched.

        1. daisicles +3

          I once got a stranger’s copy of Skymall on an airplane when I loudly lamented its absence in my own seatback pocket. It is the best reason to fly.

    3. anachronistique +11

      “These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd.”

      1. Mike +1

        And at $200 a pop, are hand-stitched with Kevlar and will last for 20 years, because you will only have two shirts in your entire wardrobe.

      1. shahea +11

        Because who DOESN’T think that if you’re a plus size then you have no style or taste left anywhere in your body?

      2. mbculver +1

        I can’t NOT like it, given that I basically have the same shirt in light blue/dark blue from J. Crew. I wear it in the spring with my bright coral capris and two-tone Bass loafers when I’m going for that FUCKYEAHPREPPY/Jolie Kerr disciple look.

  23. keythah +7

    My dad wore a white rented tux with *black socks* on his wedding day in 1987. They were very visible. My sister and I tease him about it every time we watch the video or look at the pictures.

  24. Bittersweet

    Forget writing this, Matt and Jaya should DO this for their wedding, take lots of photos (or draw cartoons) and write a 5,000-word piece about it for The Toast afterwards. I'd totally pay for this (the piece, not the wedding).

    (Just kidding, you guys, you do not have to have a Teenage Dirtbag-themed wedding to please the whims and follies of Toasties.)

  25. Bittersweet

    I can't NOT like it, given that I basically have the same shirt in light blue/dark blue from J. Crew. I wear it in the spring with my bright coral capris and two-tone Bass loafers when I'm going for that FUCKYEAHPREPPY/Jolie Kerr disciple look.

  27. Kayu Kokka +1

    I think if you can’t wear that tiger shirt to your wedding, you may need to rethink this whole relationship.

  28. Masker Wajah Alami

    In my opinion, you should wear that shirt with a red suit & camel color alligator shoes. And the parti-colored ones are the worst for me.

  29. lgnetworksinc.com +1

    I blame Two and a Half Men, just like I blame it for every other atrocity that’s happened in the last ten years.