Two Monks Invent The Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood

by Mallory Ortberg · June 3, 2014

This post brought to you by Michael, a seven-eyed dog from Brooklyn. Previously in this series: Two monks invent medieval art.

It doesn’t really work for monks to appear in this installment of the series, seeing as how the influence of the Catholic Church on popular art movements had really waned by 1848, but I’ve already committed to the general conceit, so. 

MONK #1: ok wow
what should we draw what should we drawww
everybody’s doing landscapes and rich ladies in front of old buildings so maybe we should –
MONK #2: bitches
MONK #1: what
MONK #2: we gotta paint bitches
just stone cold bitches man
MONK #1: i dont understand
MONK #2: bitches are it
bitches are the future
people want one thing from art
and that’s to see unsmiling, lush bitches brushing their hair
MONK #1: wow
ok
MONK #2: like this

preraph22

MONK #1: oh wow okay yeah i see what you mean
MONK #2: or this

preraph13

MONK #1: okay so like this?

preraph1

MONK #2: um
you know what
that’s a really good start
MONK #1: thank you!
MONK #2: something i really like about it is the moon
and the veil is great
and she looks like she might have consumption
which is great
MONK #1: thank you!!!
MONK #2: but that’s a woman
not a bitch
you didn’t paint a bitch
so
MONK #1: oh man
MONK #2: no no it’s okay don’t feel bad
it can be tricky
here’s another example
just for reference

preraph18

MONK #1: ok let me see if ive got it yet
how’s this

preraph11

MONK #2: hmm
MONK #1: oh dang
MONK #2: haha dont be so hard on yourself i’m just thinking
this is definitely better
MONK #1: yeah?
MONK #2: yeah
MONK #1: i feel like im getting closer
MONK #2: you definitely definitely are
she’s not smiling and that’s a great start
don’t really see any jewels though
MONK #1: yeah
MONK #2: remember your aiming for this

preraph21

MONK #1: WHOA
MONK #2: haha yeah
big hair, no heart, that’s the key

 

MONK #2: tell you what
lets practice some
ill give you a general activity
and you guess how a bitch might look while she was doing it
okay?
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: i really think it will help
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: gathering flowers
MONK #1: i guess
peaceful?
MONK #2: furious
MONK #1: dang
MONK #2: bitches gather flowers furiously

preraph10

MONK #2: lets try another one
picnicking
how do bitches picnic
MONK #1: um
angry?
MONK #2: solemnly
they picnic solemnly, in billowing velvet capes

preraph8

MONK #2: okay
we’re picking flowers again
what’s happening
MONK #1: um
they’re picking flowers
gravely
like for a funeral
MONK #2: right!
is anybody smiling or having a good time?
MONK #1: no
definitely not
MONK #2: you got it kid

preraph7

MONK #2: sitting in a castle
MONK #1: mega pissed off
MONK #2: that’s the one!!

preraph9

MONK #2: okay bitches are swimming
set the scene for me
MONK #1: they’re trying to drown a guy
but real slowly
MONK #2: yes
that is exactly how bitches swim

preraph23

MONK #2: how about dancing
what do bitches look like when they throw a dance party
MONK #1: enormously sad
just shatteringly grief-stricken
MONK #2: that’s right
bitches hate dancing

preraph20

MONK #2: okay i think you’re ready to try again
lightning round
draw me a bitch in front of her house
MONK #1: ok hows this
MONK #2: is that a spear?
MONK #1: yeah
MONK #2: NICE

preraph17

MONK #2: gimme two bitches
MONK #1: hows this
MONK #2: YES
I LOVE HOW SHE’S STARING AT ME

preraph16

MONK #2: show me what it looks like when two people fall in love
MONK #1: like this?
MONK #2: YES THAT’S HORRIFYING GOD YES

preraph15

MONK #2: what does it look like when a bitch goes on a date
MONK #1: ahh
she
she carries her dog and won’t look at the guy
MONK #2: you are ready

preraph4

MONK #2: last one
show me a happy couple on a carriage ride
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: CHRIST THAT’S UNSETTLING
is he missing part of his jaw?
MONK #1: yeah i thought it fit the scene
MONK #2: this is great stuff
MONK #1: you really think so?
MONK #2: i really do

preraph5

MONK #1: okay um how about this one
MONK #2: YES
THATS IT
YOU GOT IT
MONK #1: really??
oh man
MONK #2: absolutely
this is it
we’re done here
lets call it the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood and go get some opium

preraph2

[All images via]

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120 Comments

  2. CompleatEmDee +121

    Monk #1: Do bitches have manly, like almost Habsburg Jaws?
    Monk #2: Most bitches have a jaw like that, yes
    Monk #1: What about their noses?
    Monk #2: Bumpy.
    Monk #1: Right, right
    Monk #2: And their necks–it’s like do a horse’s neck, but white

    1. winterbymorning +44

      For some reason I’m reading Monk #2 in the voice of Charlie from It’s Always Sunny.

    2. literarysara +44

      Yes indeed!
      Some time ago I read Mortal Love by Elizabeth Hand, in which the lady who posed for pretty much all the pre-Raphaelite painters turns out to be some otherworldly being who is accidentally summoned into the present time and essentially terrorizes London, and Hand describes her as having a neck like a column.
      NECK LIKE A COLUMN

        1. literarysara +29

          Oh, the novel doesn’t purport to be about a real-life model. The column-necked woman is a sort of Amazonian superfairy adrift in the wrong world/century trying to find her lost love and leaving a trail of burned-up male thralls in her wake. As one does.

        4. fatscientist +103

          Fun fact: the reason a lot of ladies necks look like this in old paintings is because they have a mild goiter. This is because they have likely had a child and during pregnancy your body needs more thyroid hormone which you need iodine to make– back then salt wasn’t iodized so only pregnant women that ate a lot of fish would get a sufficient amount of iodine (there’s a lot of iodine in seafood, less in more inland crops). So back then a lot of women developed goiter during pregnancy because their thyroid would expand to try to make enough thyroid hormone and as a result a lot of paintings reflect that.

      2. tubatoothpaste +10

        That sounds insane/awesome/likely to be the plot of a future Doctor Who episode

    3. PaigePoo +25

      Monk #1: I don’t think I get how bitches eyebrows look.
      Monk #2: Really dark, and really skinny.
      Monk #1: But just, like, above their eyes?
      Monk #2: Right on their brow bone. Really emphasize their furrowed brows.

  3. Frumiosa +90

    So…..apparently there were one, maaaaybe two models in the entire pre-Raphaelite period?

      1. owlsintheforest +6

        Sssshh, I kinda look like these women! Minus the gorgeous red hair. And column neck. I do ask my partner if I look like a 1970s era English lad often enough already. 😉
        That is my lady jaw though.

        1. robotneedslove +9

          Oh goodness! I meant no insult and apologise. I think it’s the brow in some of those paintings, more than anything. Please also notice my “very, very pretty” qualifier.

          In sum, I’m sure you’re gorgeous.

    3. Toft +50

      Yeah. There’s Lizzie Siddal, and then there’s Fanny Cornforth and Jane Morris, who look exactly the same. For comparison:

      This is Fanny Cornforth:

      This is Jane Morris:

      1. Mon +14

        Actually, I think the problem might be that Rossetti’s women looked more like him than they looked like Siddal and Morris themselves. I mean, Siddal modelled for Millais’ Ophelia, and she looks little like the Beatrice Rossetti painted so…

        1. Toft +82

          That would make a lot of sense.

          “One face looks out from all his canvases,
          One selfsame figure sits or walks or leans:
          They’re all him.
          Not sure why my brother keeps drawing his own face on women he likes.
          Whatever. I have poems to write.”

          -Christina Rossetti, “In an Artist’s Studio”

        1. Toft +41

          Whoa! That article has one of the most productive comment sections I’ve ever seen. Academic research gets done, relatives meet each other, mysteries are unraveled… It’s like reading an epistolary novel, except it ends when they all agree to carry on the conversation over email.

          (Thanks for introducing me to Fanny Eaton! I never learned about her when I learned about the Pre-Raphaelites, which is a shame.)

        2. EPWordsnatcher +5

          Whoa! I’d never seen her before, thanks so much for introducing us to her!

    4. Abanthis +11

      And they both got completely sick of holding smiles about two paintings in.

  4. hurdyburdy +123

    I love the monks SO MUCH and this is my favorite favorite of all the favorites that ever favorited.

    Also “bitches gather flowers furiously” needs to be embroidered on a pillow STAT.

    1. ladyimogen +118

      Forget tee shirts, The Toast needs to issue embroidery kits. Series A:
      Damn it feels good to be a spinster
      Big hair, no heart, that’s the key
      Bitches gather flowers furiously

      2. hurdyburdy +98

        Series B:
        Misandry is real…real cool.
        Bro do you even lift.
        Goddamn lesbian werewolf bullshit.

        1. alicia +58

          “Big hair, no heart, that’s the key” is the misandrist “Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose”.

    2. GreenGrasses +28

      I had that EXACT thought about “lush bitches brushing their hair.”

  6. figwiggin +136

    and how does Cassandra look when people don’t listen to her prophecies

    oh, like they forgot she didn’t want pickles on her burger

    3. tinypaperme +6

      That has got to be one woman standing on some guy’s shoulders under a long cape.

  8. sednarea51 +113

    New Life Goal: become “Unsmiling Bitch With Spear”, because FUCK and YES

    1. EPWordsnatcher +16

      I swear I thought it was a photo of Anne Hathaway in costume at first. PHENOMENAL.

      1. Tart_deco +4

        It’s my new favourite painting! What is it and where can I get it?! I must have it!

  9. phlippin +153

    As a tall pale woman with a strong jawline and frizzy reddish (thanks, L’Oreal Preference!) hair, I really need to remember to smile less. Next time a catcaller tells me to smile, I’ll just yell back, “Forget it, I’m a stone cold Pre-Raphaelite BITCH!”

  10. lizdepriest +57

    Tip of my hat to Monk #1’s deep understanding of bitches, which allowed him to have this major breakthrough. I, like Monk #2, stand in awe of this achievement.

  11. Miss Jane +69

    I am a lush unsmiling red haired bitch and I need a velvet cape IMMEDIATELY.

    1. headfullofhoney +21

      We are The Children of Ronbledore, and we demand no less than the most billowy of velvet capes!

    2. ofTrebond +30

      ME TOO. This was the best era for curly red hair and death glares, which are my most notable features.

  12. EPWordsnatcher +58

    Monk 1: Is this what a bridesmaid looks like?
    Monk 2: Almost, you just need bigger hair and to lead with the chin. Like this:

    (John Everett Millais The Bridesmaid)

    #bighairnoheart

      1. EPWordsnatcher +7

        Hot damn, you’re right. Anne Shirley would have ROCKED the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood.

  13. anninyn +50

    I have nothing constructive to add. I just love the monks. And their newfound need to paint bitches.

  14. brigidkeely +91

    “big hair no heart” was exactly the look I went for my Senior year of high school.

    I had waist length hair that I ratted out to just above my shoulders, like Magenta from “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” It was majestic. I WAS MAJESTIC. My hair was so knotted and snarled I cut it all off after, which was freeing.

    all i’ve ever wanted was enormous hair.

    1. hergart +2

      Damn, that is some serious cross stitching. For anyone in the Northern(ish) Virginia area, there is apparently a yarn shop that sells arts and crafts designs to embroider, called Hunt Country Yarns. They have William Morris designs/kits and stuff. I want to go and look, but I have little patience for hand sewing of any kind, so looking is where it should stop, probably.

        1. twoburgers +1

          Just looking at the thumbnail, it looks like the dude his holding up his arm to give her bunny ears.

          1. hergart +1

            I thought he was maybe trying to snatch her hair (wig?) off her head, in a reverse Samson.

    1. Leigh +3

      I’ve been giggling my way through this post and all the comments, but this comment made me snort. Thank you.

    2. vmartinipie +16

      Tami’s slogan is basically BIG HAIR FULL HEART so I think we’re getting somewhere with this

    3. theharpoon +5

      oops just left this as a reply above… two minds think alike, as I once accidentally said to a friend!

    4. Maryaed +1

      Damn I had the same thought upthread and you got there first. Still brilliant!

  18. mkpatter +8

    Shoulda changed it to “a couple of bohemians invent the pre-Raphaelite movement” they could still be obnoxious as hell.

  19. AddieJoy +98

    Denizens of the Toast, if I were to produce embroidery kits/patterns/finished samplers using some of the lovely sayings Mallory has provided, would you be interested in purchasing them?

    Denizens of Mallory/Nicole/Legal Team, is this acceptable?

    I have been informed that my fancy work brings all the nuns to the yard, if that is a suitable reference.

    1. GreenGrasses +1

      I would love a finished embroidery thing! I myself cannot sew but I appreciate the work of those who do.

    5. revengeofpompom +7

      I would helllllllla buy a finished sampler with one of The Toast quotes on it. I would just buy the shit out of that.

    6. chartreusan +12

      I would buy the hell out of them. I’m a terrible designer, but I really wanted to stitch a nautical sampler with “Remember, you can always take to the sea.” on it.

      Counted cross-stitch, pretty please?

    7. twoburgers +4

      I would learn to embroider/cross stitch just to do these – although I would be even more inclined to lazily throw my money at you for a finished sampler.

  20. catrontgen +32

    *Dante Gabriel Rossetti, exhuming Lizzie Siddall’s corpse to retrieve a book of poems he put on said corpse two years ago when she was buried*: BABE. babe. *leaves*

  21. safvn +69

    Bitches HATE dancing. Have you ever seen bitches dancing? GOD, it’s just the fucking worst.

  22. dadadee +91

    Can we get two voice actors to create audio guides for museums as the 2 monks? Because I want 2 monks’ commentary at the met.

  23. ToTheIsLand +13

    Oh my gosh, I think this is my favorite one so far!

    Plus, there is supposedly a TV series about the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood called “Desperate Romantics” (starring Aidan Turner/”Sexy Vampire John Mitchell”/”Sexy Dwarf Kili” (ugh) as Dante Gabriel Rossetti… who in real life was odd-looking at best). I haven’t watched it, but it looks comically terrible.

    Also, this needs more Effie Gray/John Ruskin/John Everett Millais scuttlebutt, because the whole situation around the annulment is my favorite piece of probably-not-true historical gossip ever, bar none.

    1. pearlrose +4

      There’s a movie about Effie Gray coming out soon! Directed by and co-starring Emma Thompson!

      1. ToTheIsLand +1

        I heard about that! I really want to see it. Supposedly it is/was tied up in a couple of legal cases because other people wrote a play/screenplay about Effie/Ruskin, and accused the movie of infringing on their copyright. The cases have been decided in favor of Emma/the movie so far, though.

    2. dakimel +23

      I’m guessing that pointillism is when Monk#2 has straight-up had it with Monk#1’s questions

  26. bookwormV +20

    Members of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood took it upon themselves to paint Arthurian legend-themed murals in the library of the Oxford Union. They failed to complete it by the end of the summer vacation, as promised, and they also didn’t know how to paint murals, so loads of paint flaked off. The Union had to bring in proper mural painters to finish off, and it is very plain which ones they did – you can actually still see what the paintings are meant to be of, rather than just the dim blurs that are the others. I love this story so much.

    (The Union wasn’t great at preserving the murals themselves, admittedly. In the 1970s they were in bad condition due to water damage, as rain was seeping through the brickwork. So they waterproofed over the murals. As the rain was coming from the outside and they waterproofed the inside, this just trapped the water and made them fall apart faster. Good work.)

  27. HeyHandsome +13

    Totally plausible that the 2 monks invented Pre-Raphaelite Movement. The Brotherhood harked back to a romanticized vision of the Middle Ages; a vision which featured the rich materials and gorgeous colour of elite Medieval culture rather than, you know, subsistence farming, high infant mortality, squalor and the plague. And as the Middle Ages were pre-Reformation they were also, thus, very, very Catholic.

    And also: Bitches be pissed.

    I want that on a window sticker.

  28. marylynn +62

    These Pre-Raphaelite ladies just suffered from Bitchy Resting Face; it’s so typically MALE for Monk #2 to ascribe negative emotions to them when they’re just trying to GATHER THEIR FUCKING FLOWERS.

  29. calrayo +17

    Me, upon seeing this post: Yessssss, moooooooonks!
    Fiance: …um, what?

    This blog always brings out my best.

  30. Maryaed +3

    What is the fifth painting down, the not-bitchy-enough woman with the short hair and the lapful of flowers?

    1. Zinc +1

      According to wikimedia, it’s ‘The Daughters of Our Empire. England: The Primrose’ by Edwin Long. Can anyone confirm?

  33. Julz Saunders

    Well it's nice to see you have displayed my daughters 9x great aunt Kaomi Gray so many times….she is the model for most of the art works btw, she was a gypsy, her Mother Naomi was the subject of "The Gypsy Parson"……….beware of calling either bitches, even in jest, they have powerful magic, even now.