This piece was sponsored for Gwen from Andy, who wishes you many belated birthdays. He’ll do better going forward.
The Secret Olive Garden
You start with a cholera epidemic and end with something truly magical.
Watercress Down
Carnivores frequently dismiss salad as rabbit food. In this restaurant, it really is.
Griddle Women
Comfort food from New England accompanied by the surprisingly tasty delicacy of pickled limes. Don’t be alarmed by the scent of burning hair emanating from the kitchen.
The Merchant of Venison
Serving size: a pound of flesh. Prepared rare. If you prick it, it will bleed.
Boarshead Revisited
Deli sandwiches served with a Brandy Alexander and a dash of homoeroticism.
The Scarlet Pumpernickel
Order a hero sandwich from a seemingly frivolous proprietor. Upon eating the sandwich, all will be revealed. Proceeds benefit the Displaced French Royalists fund.
The Brief and Wondrous Life of an Oscar Meyer Weiner
This hot dog stand is equipped with endless disclaimers in a tiny font. No one will judge you if you can’t be bothered to read all of them.
The Grapes of Wrath
This bar features wines grown in vineyards staffed by migrant workers, so pretty much your standard bar.
Alternatively, a milk bar.
Cream and Punishment
Cross five bridges to find this establishment. An old woman serves you tea and scones. Kill her. Then think about what you’ve done for a long, long time.
The Prime Rib of Miss Jean Brodie
The meat in this joint is past its expiration date and is quite self-conscious about it. The proprietor is very strangely pressuring you to try the younger, more attractive restaurant next door.
Skinny Chicken Legs and All
Do not be alarmed if your food starts talking. It’s just a Tom Robbins acid trip.
To the Smokehouse
Lovely smoked fish from the Isle of Skye. But the experience is so drawn out that you might forget what you’re doing and why you’re there.
Lord of the Fries
No, you cannot eat Piggy. For crying out loud, people. NO ONE EATS PIGGY.
Tess of the Doughnut Holes
A naive but soulful young woman serves you doughnuts. It ends badly.
A Sprinkle of Thyme
A delightful experience as long as you don’t order the Black Thing. And, of course, the secret ingredient is love.
And Then There Were Buns
A thrilling experience. You start with ten sticky buns on your plate that disappear one by one. The final bun goes out with a bang by voluntarily impaling itself on your fork.
The Phantom Tollhouse Cookie
For Milo, who has plenty of time…to bake cookies. Tick tock, Milo, tick tock.
Please sir, may I have s’mores?
It’s worth being a Dickensian orphan for these desserts.
Tags: books, business, cholera, food, heroes, restaurants, ruth hupart
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The Brief and Wondrous Life of Char Siu Bao–delicious pork buns but some people will complain there is too much non-English on the menu
The Bluest Pie–pie for sad people, open 24 hours, cozy one-person tables and Billie on the jukebox
Hard-Boiled Eggs and the End of the World–deli before a long stretch of uninterrupted highway; definitely a talking cat somewhere
The Left Ham of Darkness–your food changes tastes as you eat it based on your own pheromonal outputs
Story of Olives–snack & martini bar where you are lovingly whipped
I would eat at the Story of Olives
Joyce Carol Oatmeal is plentiful and filling but leaves a bitter aftertaste.
I’m dying. Thank you.
Alternatively, there’s always The Crepes of Wrath. Overworked and cranky (French? Optional.) people serving you crepes.
As I Lay Frying — self explanatory. Except maybe there are couches everywhere and you just eat fried food on these luxurious couches.
Mansfield Bark serves a wide variety of chocolate bark.
A Moveable Feast is eating on one of those weird multiperson bikes where they do like pub tours? In Germany? I have a distinct feeling that these bike things are German.
There’s a place called A Moveable Feast in my city. It’s part natural/health-food co-op, part delicious healthy-sounding restaurant, with, like, miso-tofu-veggie soup and egg salad on whole meal bread and lots of salads with sprouts in them. It brings me back to my days on campus at UC Santa Cruz more than anywhere else in town, but I have no idea why it’s named that.
Here Moveable Feast is where the food trucks gather weekly. 🙂
My dinner is a fish.
Breadwall – Lots of bread. Lots of rabbit.
You will order every item on the menu (since they are all described in such intriguing detail that you will be overcome by ravenous curiosity), but this will not be a horrific disaster because each item will amount to an amuse-bouche.
Green Eggs and Spam
Meat Pray Love
James and the Giant Peaches
(am I doing it right)
This is so perfect that I choose to believe that this was not just written for The Toast, but that it has always existed and was just discovered, like an atomic element.
The description of “And Then There Were Buns” is so perfect that I want to wrap it up and take it home with me.
Rebecca of Sunny-Side Up, a farmstyle diner
Blender’s Game, a smoothie bar
The Remains of the Danish, a day-old pastry reseller
The Handroll’s Tale – feminist dystopian sushi
I can’t believe I’ve lived my life without ever saying “feminist dystopian sushi” before. I am going to try to fit it in every day from now on.
Beeloved – Everything is made from delicious bee by-products, but you’re worried about where your children got to while you were eating the baklava.
Fahrenheit 451 – The steaks are beautifully seared at high temperatures, brought to your table by Mechanical Hounds.
Brave New Whirled – Fresh smoothies. You’ll never have to enjoy them alone, and as soon as you finish one you should definitely buy another.
The Great Catsby – Cat cafe with a lovely yellow automotive theme.
East of Eatin’ – Asian fusion tea shop. The owners are brothers but they don’t seem to get along and should probably sell the whole venture to the Cantonese chef.
BRAVE NEW WHIRLED
A Praline for Owen Meany
Dharma Buns
Lady Windermere’s Flan
not a restaurant but a perfumery: “Scents and Sensibility”
I really love that the sponsored post comments are sounding increasingly like 90s radio dedications.
Also, this is perfect in every way and “And Then There Were Buns” made me snort-laugh.
Sucks to your appetizer, Piggy!
Loaves in the Time of Cholera – Like a Panera, but all the locations are on quarantine islands.
The Old Man and the Sea Salt – A grizzled bartender serves nothing but dirty, dirty margaritas and ceviche
Sorbet the Greek – Frozen briam drizzled in warm tzatziki
Gullivar’s truffles – Candies available in a variety of interesting sizes
The Malted Falcon – The milkshakes are good, but they’re famous for their red herring.
red herring!
ceviche!
you’re the best.
Forgot to post to this old but good hairpin food/book title/pun list http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/banana-karenina-and…
Alternatively, a milk bar.
That took me a minute
Alternatively, a milk bar.
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Pizza Place – Unlimited pizza and breadsticks soundtracked by all the indie bands you thought were SO COOL and PROFOUND MAN when you were 15 (open Saturdays only from 9pm to 4am).
Anna Banan-ina – Take Russian Tea in this renovated dining car from an old train. The food is all sourced from local farms, the waiters ramble about their politics for ten minutes before they’ll tell you the specials and, ironically, there are no bananas on the menu. Where are you going to find a banana in Russia in the dead of winter?
The Unbearable Lightness of Eating – A naive but soulful young woman serves you a drink. It ends badly.
Of Rice and Men — sexist, pan-Asian eatery
Harry Potter and the Deathly Mallows — simply magical handmade candies
A-Scone-Ment — charming British teashop (yes I know about the pronunciation but we must make sacrifices for punnery) but has strange rules prohibiting families from visiting.
Finnegans Cake: You won’t understand what’s going on with the cakes at this bakery but that’s okay because nobody ever finishes them anyway.
I am very jealous of Gwen, who (although she has a forgetful man in her life) has a considerate, apologetic man in her life. This is an excellent gift.
Four for Gwen, you go Gwen Coco.
The description of "And Then There Were Buns" is so perfect that I want to wrap it up and take it home with me.
Possibly you are already aware of this, but Lord of the Fries is an actual chain in Australia. And you definitely can’t eat Piggy, it’s fully vegetarian.
Froyo Baggins, the frozen yogurt chain. The employees have taken on the burden of not eating their own wares. All of them have big, tearful, blue eyes.
But we have a chain called Lord of Fries here in Australia already!