Henry Pollard — You have a great head of hair, which is something — it isn’t nothing, not by a long shot — but your “charming apathy” is a lot less charming than you think it is. Mostly it just looks like giving up. Things happen to you, and you let them happen; or they don’t, and you let that happen too.
Casey Klein — You are not Casey Klein. You are reading a blog about which Party Down character you are, almost certainly during work hours, which is hardly conduct becoming a Casey Klein. You have never once broken someone’s heart by accepting an exciting professional opportunity and taking off in the middle of the night. You are barely capable of wounding someone’s pride. You are Ron at best. Also, you don’t look nearly as good in aviator sunglasses as you think you do.
Kyle Bradway — You are a thatch-headed wastrel, and you are going to be just fine. Success will pour itself into your hands without your even having to reach for it.
Ron Donald — The odds that you are Ron Donald have tripled simply by clicking on this link. That’s an RDD. You have the self-will of a saltine cracker, and anything that promises you greater self-awareness and discipline is irresistible to you. Disappointment and humiliation will pour itself into your hands without your even having to reach for it.
Roman DeBeers — You are Roman. Admit it. Admit it. In your heart of hearts, your truest self, you are Roman to the core. You have Roman stitched into your veins. Your Roman-ness is diffused along the surface capillaries of your lungs. You are hard sci-fi, and you would walk away from a sure thing with a beautiful, unhappy person sitting across the bar from you if she confused dragons with science fiction. You’ve been pushed around plenty in your life, but you still think gay jokes are a little bit funny. You never let the fact that you have done nothing to further your own career keep you from resenting your lack of obvious success.
Constance Carmell — You are exactly the same as Kyle Bradway, but success is not going to come for you. You will hardly notice, and it will certainly not bother you. You cannot tell the difference between success and proximity to success.
Lydia Dunfree — You have no idea that sacrificing more for someone you love is exactly the wrong way to elicit their respect. So you try harder, and you offer more, and they respond with exasperation and rudeness, which baffles and hurts you, which leads you to self-examination, which leads you to deciding that you should try harder, which results in even less of their respect. You have developed a foolproof recipe for driving people away and feeling sorry for yourself. You have absolutely no idea that you do this; you would not believe it if someone tried to explain it to you.
Uda Bengt – You work hard, and you get things done, and everyone hates you for it.
Tags: failure, i am roman and so are you, party down, personality types, quizzes, television
PARTY DOWN PARTY DOWN PARTY DOWN
Man, I love Henry so much. He’s such an unworthy protagonist! And yes, I’m Rowan. I acknowledged that long ago when Paul Scheer cribbed some sci-fi novel ideas from me.
I knew I identified with Henry, but it never occurred to me that it was partly because I, too, have a great head of hair.
I had essentially the same thought reading this.
We all have a great head of hair, when you think about it.
Only you, Mallory Ortberg, could turn a Party Down character quiz into an ignition switch for existential pain.
I’ve never watched Party Down and now I both want to watch it and go curl into a ball. So, success?
IT IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE WORLD AND IF MARTIN STARR EVER KNEW I EXISTED I WOULD DIE
I wish I was Roman. I am just not that hard sci-fi.
I think I am Lydia. (Here, let me do that for you.)
On my best days, I am Constance. On my worst, Lydia.
Being Lydia is so exhausting. I need a break
I AM into hard sci-fi. There’s just nothing to be done for me, I accept my fate.
I think honestly I would be more Roman and less Uda/Roman hybrid were I a man. Hard sci-fi was my passion of passions when I was a youth, but now I seek out the weird and the anthropological because there is more of a place for me there.
Don’t be sad! If you’re Roman, you willingly hang out with theater actors.
My sister is a community theater actor. I hang out with her. Her actor friends are pretty fun, too.
Oooh, bad luck and choice of joke, then! I’m sure your sister and her friends are lovely, and now you have further proof of truly being Roman.
Yay! Roman is the best! But, at the end of the day, I truly am a Lydia.
I LOOK GREAT IN AVIATORS (and I’m MAYBE Roman on my BEST day)
I wear aviators, look vaguely like Lizzy Caplan (she looks like a hybrid of me and my sister or a beautiful version of me, which makes watching some of her stuff awkward for both of us), my name begins with a C, and I ruin all potential romantic opportunities. THEREFORE I AM CASEY.
(I’m really just in denial that I am Uda minus the competence and angry child.)
Except I am a little bit Casey Klein, right? Maybe? Am I having fun yet? Should I serve them two jiggers? Oh no…
Oh my god I’m a Lydia.
Just know that being Lydia means you are also Aunt Gail from Bob’s Burgers, and all is good again.
I am so happy right now.
I know she only appeared in two episodes, but what if I want to be Bobbie St. Brown?
“When I auditioned for Cannonball Run 2, you know what I did with the girl I was up against? I hit her with my car.”
“Your car?”
“A car, and it felt right! ”
“A car – wait, wasn’t that Constance?”
Follow your dreams to the max. Amen.
UDA. YES.
I already knew I was Lydia before I clicked, but did you have to rub it in so hard?
YES, BECAUSE I’M ROMAN
In my dreams I am Leonard Stiltskin, famed Hollywood movie director with a fabulously dirty mouth, but in real life I am probably a non-Conservative version of Jeffrey Ells of the California College Conservative Union Caucus (I’m a secretary, but not the number three executive position kind of secretary).
You saw “Dingleberries”?
I’m definitely and UdaRowen hybrid. Uda at work, Rowan at home. An Uda in the streets but a Rowan in the sheets?
Oh my goodness! A bosom friend!
Hahahahaha yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. ARE YOU SUPER POPULAR AS WELL! LET US FORM A CLUB.
Real Talk – that Roman part stings a bit.
WHAT ABOUT DRAGONRIDERS OF PERN, ROMAN.
Yeah…I am a Roman.
Can I be Escapade? Why is Escapade not an option.
Have a salad and study the Hannah Montanas.
Psh, whatevs. I’m so Casey Klein, but haters gonna hate. *puts on aviators*
What part is “flanks?”
Is it vagina?
Don’t guess.
I am an unhappy combination of Roman and Uda with all of the insecurity of both and THIS IS WHY I HAVE NO FRIENDS.
Hahhahaha for reals, for REALS I had this exact thought. This exact same thought. It’s great, though, I love my own particular friendless brand of pain-in-the-ass. (I have some friends. And many spreadsheets.)
Poor Uda. I feel so much for her, but even I cannot really love her.
BEG TO DIFFER, MALLORY:
– I have broken someone’s heart–albeit to seek out exciting professional opportunities that were not yet on the table, and I woke him up before taking off, but I did so unceremoniously and without allowing him the benefit of coffee, so.
-Wounding someone’s pride, particularly if that person is male and cares for me romantically, is MY SUPERPOWER (duh, see above)
– I know exactly how terrible I look in aviators.
Probably I’m Henry, though.
This is like looking in a mirror! Except whatever wrt Henry, the part of me that thought so deeply about all of this (all of me) screams Roman. And I like Roman’s hair better.
At work, I’m Uda internally and a mix of Constance and Roman externally. This means I spent a lot of time acting blasé or cheerful when I really just want to yell “What are you, NEW?”
She’s been inside a Soup ‘R Crackers and you can’t run one if you’re a complete fucking idiot!
You just reminded me of how much I love Uda. So much.
An icy fear grips me that I am a person who would really commit to pretending to be a cow to audition for a movie that doesn’t exist and I’m the only one who doesn’t know it. Although, can I really be Constance if I worry about that? Is that itself a Henry thought? Whither truth?
I love Constance for that moment above all: she’s so ardent and unabashed in pursuit of her craft. Even though she’s being cruelly tricked for someone else’s amusement, there’s no real embarrassment in that; we should never be humiliated for embracing our enthusiasms. The trickster is the only one there who should feel the pinch of humiliation.
I’m an uncomfortable combination of Ron and Henry but obviously aspire to be the Gutenberg.
THE GUTE! He’s so happy and fulfilled and rounded!
But truth, if I’m aspiring to be anybody, it’s Colette. “I’m learning, sir.”
It’s like she was learning to learn!
Mallory I am on a lifelong quest to convince everyone in the world to watch Party Down, as it is the best show ever made. “I want to be called Dennis.”
Is this your struggle?
Yes but I am NOT blonde.
I’m Henry, but with just okay hair.
At least I have a normal-sized forehead (sorry Adam Scott, still <3 you, but …)
I, too, have decided not to let how terrible I look in aviators stop me from wearing them. My preferred mode is mirrored lenses for camera-visible selfies.
Also, everyone does hate me, but if only it were because I work hard and get things done!
I was at a meeting today with 3 other Lydias, and the “try hard” and hurt feelings about not being appreciated were smothering. I am Lydia, I tried to lighten the mood- poorly
I feel like this is a safe space where I can admit that I recently had a sex dream involving Roman.
My entire goal in life is to be any character played by Ryan Hansen that was written by Rob Thomas. He’s such a douche, but he’s a DELIGHTFUL douche.
I think Celebrate Ricky is the best half-hour of television that I’ve seen in the last, oh, fifteen years easily. Easily! You know who brought it? Steven Weber, that’s who. (I am totally behind the get everyone to watch Party Down (at least season 1) campaign. A noble cause.)
I never thought of Kyle as having a last name. this is blowing my mind.
‘You never let the fact that you have done nothing to further your own career keep you from resenting your lack of obvious success.’ This right here is why I am Roman. Constance is the best though. CONSTANCE
First-time commenter because I just have to say: TERROR BIRD