Henry Pollard — You have a great head of hair, which is something — it isn’t nothing, not by a long shot — but your “charming apathy” is a lot less charming than you think it is. Mostly it just looks like giving up. Things happen to you, and you let them happen; or they don’t, and you let that happen too.
Casey Klein — You are not Casey Klein. You are reading a blog about which Party Down character you are, almost certainly during work hours, which is hardly conduct becoming a Casey Klein. You have never once broken someone’s heart by accepting an exciting professional opportunity and taking off in the middle of the night. You are barely capable of wounding someone’s pride. You are Ron at best. Also, you don’t look nearly as good in aviator sunglasses as you think you do.
Kyle Bradway — You are a thatch-headed wastrel, and you are going to be just fine. Success will pour itself into your hands without your even having to reach for it.
Ron Donald — The odds that you are Ron Donald have tripled simply by clicking on this link. That’s an RDD. You have the self-will of a saltine cracker, and anything that promises you greater self-awareness and discipline is irresistible to you. Disappointment and humiliation will pour itself into your hands without your even having to reach for it.
Roman DeBeers — You are Roman. Admit it. Admit it. In your heart of hearts, your truest self, you are Roman to the core. You have Roman stitched into your veins. Your Roman-ness is diffused along the surface capillaries of your lungs. You are hard sci-fi, and you would walk away from a sure thing with a beautiful, unhappy person sitting across the bar from you if she confused dragons with science fiction. You’ve been pushed around plenty in your life, but you still think gay jokes are a little bit funny. You never let the fact that you have done nothing to further your own career keep you from resenting your lack of obvious success.
Constance Carmell — You are exactly the same as Kyle Bradway, but success is not going to come for you. You will hardly notice, and it will certainly not bother you. You cannot tell the difference between success and proximity to success.
Lydia Dunfree — You have no idea that sacrificing more for someone you love is exactly the wrong way to elicit their respect. So you try harder, and you offer more, and they respond with exasperation and rudeness, which baffles and hurts you, which leads you to self-examination, which leads you to deciding that you should try harder, which results in even less of their respect. You have developed a foolproof recipe for driving people away and feeling sorry for yourself. You have absolutely no idea that you do this; you would not believe it if someone tried to explain it to you.
Uda Bengt — You work hard, and you get things done, and everyone hates you for it.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.