Ta-Nehisi Coates is a chum of the Toast and an all-around jet-setting, aces kind of dude. He writes very smart things and I think he’s just tremendous.
But I had a question for him.
.@tanehisicoates ok be 100% honest have you ever put on a big peacoat and whisper “I’m Ta-Nehisi COATS” to yourself in the mirror
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) June 18, 2014
Turns out yes!
@mallelis Every day, homegirl. Sometimes works.
— Ta-Nehisi Coates (@tanehisicoates) June 18, 2014
Okay so now I had to draw some stuff. Good news: I have a rhyming dictionary and I can’t draw hands at all. Here are some drawings of beloved public intellectual Ta-Nehisi Coates and different things his last name rhymes with.
Tags: artwork, it’s very important to be serious all of the time 100%, my friends, stoats and hands are hard to draw, ta-nehisi coates, things mallory does for no reason
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I like the one with the stoats and would like to put it on my wall.
You may not be good at hands, but you capture stoatiness very well.
Hmm, I was just going to say they look a bit like nonplussed corgis.
I think that stoats and corgis are more alike, at their cores, than most people realize.
Yes, the stoats are basically just terriers and it’s fantastic.
Dibs on “Nonplussed Corgi” for the name of my new chill mocktail bar/reading lounge.
Stoatiness! Perfect.
I’m fully on board with Ta-Nehisi Stoats.
The intersection of Ta-Nehisi Coates and The Toast has made my life complete. thank you.
I was thinking the same thing! I can die happy now.
Ta-Nehisisi The-Toast.
I found my way here from a Coates link initially…it’s the circle of net-life!
Yes, this post gave me life today!
Can I put in a request for Ta-Nehisi Goats? A compilation of videoclips of goats where instead of bleating, you edited in thoughtful and intelligent TNC soundbites.
That was where I thought this was going.
Yes, a thousand times yes!
Did someone say goats because we met some baby goats yesterday:
“I’m Ta-Nehisi Toast.”
Do I have to do everything around here?
(Yes, I know it’s only a near-rhyme, but c’mon…)
Slant rhyme is of the devil.
The world needs more stoat references, to be honest.
But seriously, how do people draw hands? they are very difficult.
Only draw people in winter and make them all wear mittens. If you need to show they are in winter, draw a snowman behind them. Snowmen are easy to draw.
Or I suppose I could just give everyone snowman stick-hands, regardless of season. You & I will get it, anyway.
When I draw or paint hands I always hide them in the person’s hair or gloves or pockets. Hands are hard.
Is that you, Monk #1?
Being a bored teen in bio class helps a lot, it turns out. SO MUCH TIME.
Wishing hard for a Ta-Nehisi Goats drawing over here….!
(I’d do it myself but I’m a computer dum-dum).
Personally, I like to start my day with a warm comforting bowl of Ta-Nehisi Groats. With honey!
Ta-Nehisi Steel-Cut Oats
CAGE FIGHT: Ta-Nehisi Steel-Cuts Oats vs. Joyce Carol Oatmeal
Ta-Nehisi Hall and Oates
Deserves some Ta-Nehisi Upvotes.
You’re so kind, we’re all choked up. There’s lumps in our Ta-Nehisi Throats.
Post-its with his avatar as a watermark: Ta-Nehisi Notes!
A handy book of his best aphorisms: Ta-Nehisi Quotes!
Bags for carrying all of your stuff: Ta-Nehisi Totes!
Apparently this turned into TNC Merchandising Brainstorming, but whatever.
If The Toast sold a tote bag with T-Nehisi’s face on it, I would buy it for sure.
Abso-fucking-lutely. Bonus if it includes some Mallory stoats.
What do we want? Ta-Nehisi stoat totes!
When do we want them? IMMEDIATELY
YES
Me tooooooo
Romantic advice: Ta-Nehisi Dotes!
Whole-grain cookbook: Ta-Nehisi’s Groats!
At the polling station: Ta-Nehisi Votes!
TOTES MCGOTES
big warm comforting bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon, just kickin’ back on a lazy Sunday morning: Ta-Nehisi Oats.
Trust me, you do not want to reignite the TNC Oatmeal Wars 😉
I made this one (If you saw this already, please don’t mention where):
Also, stoats! This post is a bright spot in a hellbound day.
(hugs) hope your day gets better.
i DID see it elsewhere, but bc the writing was obscured at first i thought it was Harriet the Spy, just in a badass hat. happy both ways.
YESSSSSSS
You were very kind to me yesterday and I am sorry today is hellbound! If the hellbound-ness is inevitable, I wish you many more bright spots, involving stoats or not.
Also this picture is groovy.
Why isn’t there one with him covered in tote bags!
I GIVE AND I GIVE AND YOU VAMPIRES DEMAND MORE
WE CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF YOU MALLORY. WE WILL ALWAYS NEED MORE. AND WHEN YOU DIE WE SHALL DIE WITH YOU.
(preferably in a spectacular stoat related catastrophe)
If by stupidest thing you mean best thing ever, at least since your literary novel post, then I agree completely.
Also, Ta-Nehisi Notes: a soundtrack that accompanies TNC wherever he goes so people know how great he is.
Clever to have the stoats to block his hands, A+++ use of your own technical limitations for artistic effect
A couple days a month, I got the Ta-Nehisi Bloats, amirite ladies?
brb wallpapering my life with this high art
I hear he’s pals with Angela Lansbury and they’re going to reboot that mystery show as Ta-Murder She Wrotes.
HAHAHA!!!
Can’t stop giggling at this (also, love your username).
Which is stupider/more glorious: this, or “Song Lyrics Improved by Cats” from last fall? Too close to call, if you ask me.
As a native and sometimes-resident of Pasadena, I fully endorse TNC as the Grand Marshal of the 2015 Rose Parade and would like him to ride a float made of himself (or in the image of, that’d be cool too)
He looks so triumphant in that castle!
Also STOATS.
Imagining Ta-Nehisi reading all these puns and feeling awesome about himself: Ta-Nehisi Gloats
When he decides to retire from writing and make artisanal jams to sell at farmer’s markets: Ta-Nehisi’s Compotes
<3<3<3
A++ punning
You just KNOW those compotes would be surprising, delicious and just what you needed with your breakfast, although you never would have thought of them before your most well-read, thoughtful friend sent you a jar…
When he feels all the feels (because of this post): Ta-Nehisi Emotes
This gets cross-posted to Reddit: Ta-Nehisi Upvotes
I might love this forever, Mallory.
He starts a line of couture fashion: Ta-Nehisi Haute.
Someone write a fanfic about Mallory and Ta-Nehisi Coates hanging out and getting up to antics.
SITCOM.
Finally a not-boring sitcom.
I love that you feel the need to *specifically* apologize about the hands. Like you leaned back and thought, “eyes? nailed it. nose? nailed it. beret? fucking nailed that fucker to the wall! but arrrggghhhhh these hands are the one thing standing in the way between me and photorealism!!!!!” <3
We'll have Kindles on loan with the full archives of TNC & The Toast, and the entire print run of Dad Magazine.
Yo dawg we heard you like coats on your Coates so we put Coates on your Toast and I hope you like stoats, moats, and boats because we got those too! And a fish tank
(i really miss pimp my ride)
Daryl Hall and Ta-Nehisi Oats
What do the monks have to say about this?
Two old men walk by a freshly painted wall.
“Hey, Abe, didn’t this wall used to be grey?”
“Well, Marty, if my eyes still work – the wall is now green!”
“Abe! Look!”
They both turn around to see a man with a bucket of paint, holding a paintbrush in his hand.
“Was it you?” they both ask.
The man in the coat turns around; Marty recognizes him immediately.
“Abe, that’s Ta-Nehisi!”
“What about him?”
“You know what they say about him, Marty!? Ta-Nehisi coats!”
Thank you, I’ll be on hiatus this summer so please enjoy your stay at The Toast Resort and Casino.
Silent film-star Ta-Nehisi emotes!
Every election year, Ta-Nehisi votes!
Don’t make him angry, or Ta-Nehisi smotes!
(-rhyme somewhat more valuable than grammar)
Mallory Ortberg and TNC are now on my “fantasy famous people dinner party” list. (They already were, but these cartoons reinforce the necessity of inviting both of them to the same party and seating them opposite each other.)
The Antarctic, March 1912
Beaten to the pole by Amundsen, Scott’s ill fated Terra Nova expedition is in dire straits.
Beset by gangrene and frostbite, and knowing he is slowing Scott and the others down, Ta-Nehisi makes the ultimate sacrifice. He rises from the tent and walks into the raging blizzard, saying “I am just going outside and I may be some time.”
The last words of Captain Ta-Nehisi Oates, 16th March 1912.
I’ll get my coat.
This may be my favourite internet comment of all time.
And yours is now mine 🙂
He’s a loving father: Ta-Nehisi dotes.
He’s a does his civic duty: Ta-Nehisi votes.
He’s careful with citations: Ta-Nehisi quotes.
But what about aquatics? Does Ta-Nehisi boat? Does Ta-Nehisi float?
I don’t know what his actual last name is anymore.
My God, this is the best comment section EVER!
As delightful as the stoats are, I think the boat drawing is my favorite – he is FREAKING THRILLED to be a disembodied head on top of a boat.
Floats? Totes? Dotes? Zygotes? How long could this go on? Love it.
Too much, guys. I need some Ta-Nahisi antidotes.
I’ve uncovered a lost recording done by the Beastie Boys, and I’m trying to transcribe the lyrics:
Weeeeeeell, we gonna sing a song today about Ta-Nehisi Coates
He’s got a brilliant attitude, there’s no “Ta-Nehisi mopes…”
The stress, it never gets to him because Ta-Nehisi copes
It’s kinda tough to jog with him because Ta-Nehisi lopes
But you always get a laugh because he tells Ta-Nehisi jokes
We went down to his house so we could meet Ta-Nehisi folks
They’re hearin’ from the Vatican, they want Ta-Nehisi Popes!
He opened up a fast food stand, he sells Ta-Nehisi Cokes
They come with peel-off stickers so you get Ta-Nehisi codes
You can win a copy of his book, it’s called “Ta-Nehisi Quotes”
And if you follow him on Facebook you can get Ta-Nehisi pokes
He’s really into politics, that’s why Ta-Nehisi votes
But the reason that the man is great… it’s ’cause Ta-Nehisi hopes
*mic drop*
I cook my vegetables en Ta-Nehisi papillotes !
why isnt there one for Ta-Nehisi OATS?