Did I request thee, Maker, from my Clay
To mould me Man, did I sollicite thee
From darkness to promote me, or here place
In this delicious Garden?
– Adam, Paradise Lost, John Milton
“I didn’t ask to be born, you know.”
– Teens
Satan: where are we
Beelzebub: I think we’re in hell
Satan: good
good
that’s where i wanted to be anyhow
so it’s good that God threw us here
because i was just gonna take us here tomorrow anyhow
thanks for the free ride
sucker
Satan: you know what we should do
Moloch: what
Satan: we should just like
build our own place
you know?
like what even makes Heaven Heaven
Moloch: is it God
Satan: what
no
I mean technically yes
“technically” God is what makes heaven heaven
but like honestly it was all in our MINDS
like we could use our MINDS to make Hell Heaven
Moloch: ok
Satan: let’s start right now
we could put a couch over there
Belial: this place sucks
Satan: a of all
no it doesn’t
YOU suck
and b of all
this place rules
and we can be whatever we want here
we don’t just have to be angels
we can literally all be kings here
Belial: yeah okay
Satan: i mean
you can’t
i’m the king
so the king is already taken
but you can be other things
Belial: what can we even do here
Satan: um
more like what CAN’T we do here
build a city of night
hate God
we can all hate God a lot from down here
we can talk about much we hate the sun
Mulciber: i don’t hate the sun
Satan: well fucking I do
so you all hate the sun now too
Mulciber: what about the moon
do we hate that
Satan: i don’t know
not really
the moon’s fine, i don’t really care about the moon
moon indifference and eternal revenge, that’s our platform
Satan: ugh do you know who im so glad isn’t around anymore
god
technically he wasn’t even our real dad
if you think about it
technically were probably self-begotten
not made
so we dont even need him
good fucking riddance as far as im concerned
i hope i never have to hear his name again
Mammon: that’s good
its good you’re both moving on
Satan: what do you mean
Mammon: well he
mmm he just made a whole world
and also people
Satan: WHAT
Mammon: yeah i mean
i guess he doesn’t need you either
Satan: im going over
Mammon: no don’t do it
we’re making such good progress down here
just let it go
Satan: fuck that i’m going over
Adam: are you my wife? are you Eve?
Eve: guess so
Adam: my God
you’re beautiful
Eve: oh shit for real?
scoot over
i want to check and see in the river
holy shit you weren’t kidding
Adam: I’m so glad you’ve come at last, I’ve been so lo–
Eve: hang on pal
im not done looking yet
Satan: WHAT THE FUCK
this place is SO NICE
what the fuck is this
Eve: a tree?
Satan: you have TREES?
Eve: yeah i guess
Satan: FUCK
i literally sleep inside of a fire
Eve: sounds rough
Satan: unbelievable
Eve: do you want to make out
Satan: what
Eve: not to brag or anything but i’ve been told i’m pretty hot
so do you want to make out
Satan: don’t you have a husband
Eve: probably
i mean i have a lot of things
but i don’t have one here
in this orchard
i don’t have an orchard husband
do you want to make out or what
Satan: yeah okay
ahahah this is going to piss God off so much
Eve: stop talking
you’re ruining the making out
Satan: ok sorry
Tags: books, john milton, literally all of these conversations take place for real in paradise lost, paradise lost, satan, teenage dirtbags
This is literally so much better than the actual Paradise Lost I can’t even.
nooo i love paradise lost!!
Best fucking epic ever, except for this here article.
more like paradise lolst heh heh
Paradise Lost is far better. But this? I finished this 🙂 I never made it past about chapter 5 of the real thing.
I love Dirtbag jokes and Milton jokes so much that I feel like this was made just for me. I know it wasn’t, but JUST LET ME HAVE THIS.
Satan: you know what we should do
Moloch: what
Satan: we should just like
build our own place
you know?
like what even makes Heaven Heaven
Moloch: is it God
Satan: what
no
I mean technically yes
“technically” God is what makes heaven heaven
but like honestly it was all in our MINDS
like we could use our MINDS to make Hell Heaven
Moloch: ok
Satan: let’s start right now
we could put a couch over there
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
But wasn’t that like the entire plot of The Amber Spyglass?
YES AND IT WAS GREAT.
“i don’t have an orchard husband
do you want to make out or what”
HAHAHAHAHA forever
ORCHARD HUSBAND. I need me one of those, you know, to give me orchards and pick me fruit and make out with and stuff.
“Oh no, honey, we got married in the orchard, so you’re the orchard husband. You don’t go in the house, I have a house husband for that. And a car husband, and a work husband, and a lake husband…”
“Don’t even get me started on my wives.”
Well, for one thing, they’re allowed in the house AND the orchard.
“Allowed”. As if I could deny them.
So Eve was the original Pokemon Polyamorist?
I died when I read that and am currently in a limbo that still allows me to comment on the toast. I hope I eventually go to hell to try out that couch.
Satan: you have TREES?
Eve: yeah i guess
Satan: FUCK
i literally sleep inside of a fire
Eve: sounds rough
Satan: unbelievable
To be fair, that does sound rough. Very non dirtbag behaviour from Eve, there.
What Mallory left out was that Eve was rolling her eyes when she said that.
Of course! We really need some sort of audio-visual recording of these to prevent future misunderstandings.
Satan (returns from Eden to his dad’s basement I mean Hell, angrily jumps feet first onto his beanbag chair, slips backwards, hits head): FUCK! (cries)
We could put a couch over there
AND THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA
hang on pal
im not done looking yet
GPOY
DIRTBAG EVE FOR QUEEN OF EVERYTHING
Holy shit, Paradise Lost is my favorite and so now by the transitive property, this is also my favorite!!! My day is now better.
Mallory this dirtbag series makes me want to become a high school English teacher so I can amuse my students with these.
Stop talking
You’re ruining the making out.
^ is what Milton’s editor would have said, had she existed.
Alas, Milton’s dubiously literate daughters had to transcribe his epic poem. I want to believe this is the kind of thing they would have written if they had the chance.
i’ve always hated milton so this was perfect. thank you.
I was coming here to say exactly this. Yes, thank you.
I’ll build my own Heaven with blackjack and hookers
I’m so glad I’m not the only person who caught onto the Trading Spaces vibe in Moloch’s suggestions re: what to do about Hell.
OH OH, NEXT DO THE DIVORCE QUARTET!!
We can literally all be kings here…damn hell ass kings.
“Moon Indifference and Eternal Revenge” would be a great name for a wishy-washy death metal album.
That was my favorite line. T-shirt?
All th’ unaccomplisht works of Natures hand,
Abortive, monstrous, or unkindly mixt,
Dissolvd on earth, fleet hither, and in vain,
Till final dissolution, wander here,
Not in the neighbouring Moon, as some have dreamd;
MOON INDIFFERENCE IS EVERYTHING TO ME RN
RAPHAEL: dude
dude guess what
youre gonna be famous and shit
everybodys gonna know who you are and youre gonna have like a million grandkids
ADAM: no shit dude
thats rad show me how awesome im gonna be do i get a sword
RAPHAEL: yeah totally check it
I was “the feminist” in my high school lit class, so every paper we wrote, my teacher would be like “Sarah, how about we take this from the feminist perspective?” I didn’t mind, but man, I wish I could have had Dirtbag Eve back then
I wrote a very lengthy paper about how fucking awesome Eve is, and also with a lot of feelings about Sin (the character, not the concept). #feministsruiningliteratureclasses.
srsly “moon indifference and eternal revenge” is now MY platform as well so thank you
Where were you when I was in undergrad suffering through my intro courses so I could get to the good stuff? This would have made it a lot more tolerable.
Actually, it’s *Belial* who wants to put a couch there. Yes — I’m a lot of fun at parties!
YESSS
This is exactly how it is, but with more rambling digressions on Satan’s hotness with a quick “oh yeah, and totally evil” tacked on the end.
SOMEONE had a worstbest boyfriend. (Milton. Not you. Milton.)
So basically, it’s NBC’s Hannibal.
This is my favorite of these so far. I might have sent it to two of the professors in my department, one of whom might have then tweeted it.
YAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I’m going to spend the rest of my working day picturing Mammon and Asmodeus listening to Rage Against the Machine, not washing their hair, and trying to bum a cigarette off the moon, but shrugging coolly when the moon tries to warn them about the dangers of carcinogens.
Satan: ugh do you know who im so glad isn’t around anymore
god
technically he wasn’t even our real dad
if you think about it
technically were probably self-begotten
not made
so we dont even need him
good fucking riddance as far as im concerned
i hope i never have to hear his name again
Mammon: that’s good
its good you’re both moving on
Satan: what do you mean
Mammon:well he
mmm he just made a whole world
and also people
Satan: WHAT
Mammon: yeah i mean
i guess he doesn’t need you either
Satan: im going over
Mammon: no don’t do it
we’re making such good progress down here
just let it go
Satan: fuck that i’m going over
OMG, I am legit crying over this
Satan: ugh do you know who im so glad isn’t around anymore
god
technically he wasn’t even our real dad
if you think about it
technically were probably self-begotten
not made
so we dont even need him
good fucking riddance as far as im concerned
i hope i never have to hear his name again
Mammon: that’s good
its good you’re both moving on
Satan: what do you mean
Mammon:well he
mmm he just made a whole world
and also people
Satan: WHAT
Mammon: yeah i mean
i guess he doesn’t need you either
Satan: im going over
Mammon: no don’t do it
we’re making such good progress down here
just let it go
Satan: fuck that i’m going over
OMG, I am legit crying over this
A+ dirtbag fallen angel art there, too.
“The Prologue to TERRITORY LOST
“Of cats’ first disobedience, and the height
Of that forbidden tree whose doom’d ascent
Brought man into the world to help us down
And made us subject to his moods and whims,
For though we may have knock’d an apple loose
As we were carried safely to the ground,
We never said to eat th’accursed thing,
But yet with him were exiled from our place
With loss of hosts of sweet celestial mice
And toothsome baby birds of paradise,
And so were sent to stray across the earth
And suffer dogs, until some greater Cat
Restore us, and regain the blissful yard,
Sing, heavenly Mews, that on the ancient banks
Of Egypt’s sacred river didst inspire
That pharaoh who first taught the sons of men
To worship members of our feline breed:
Instruct me in th’unfolding of my tale;
Make fast my grasp upon my theme’s dark threads
That undistracted save by naps and snacks
I may o’ercome our native reticence
And justify the ways of cats to men.”
― Henry N. Beard, Poetry for Cats: The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Feline Verse
Mallory, you might have competition.
I need to locate this book. Immediately.
I know, right? I found this by accident. I read PL as an undergrad and in grad school, and after reading Mallory’s Dirtbag John Milton, I was trying to find this bit of Milton I half remembered so I could read it to my kid — on the internet, of course, because I have no idea where my Milton is — and came across this instead.
I immediately found a copy of Poetry for Cats on Alibris and ordered it. It’s not just Milton:
In Xanadu did Kubla Kat
A splendid sofa-bed decree
With silken cushions soft and fat
A perfect feline habitat
Set on a gilt settee.
Also Poe. And Shakespeare. And Beowulf. I can’t WAIT.
“moon indifference and eternal revenge, that’s our platform”
…you’ve been reading my journal, I guess.
Fantastic! Beautifully done. My daughter sent it to me … no greater message to receive from such a source. She thought you could have added my favorite conversation:
Eve: You know, you were tall and fair when first I peeked at you
But really not so hot, so sweet, so sultry as my own reflection.
If you hadn’t seized my hand, who knows what would have happened
Maybe I would have enjoyed gazing at women … and you wouldn’t have started the whole fucking domestic violence thing.
Amazing. Please do this to all of literature starting with the Epic of Gilgamesh.