Dirtbag John Milton -The Toast

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satanDid I request thee, Maker, from my Clay
To mould me Man, did I sollicite thee
From darkness to promote me, or here place
In this delicious Garden?
– Adam, Paradise Lost, John Milton

“I didn’t ask to be born, you know.”
– Teens


Satan: where are we
Beelzebub: I think we’re in hell
Satan: good
that’s where i wanted to be anyhow
so it’s good that God threw us here
because i was just gonna take us here tomorrow anyhow
thanks for the free ride


Satan: you know what we should do
Moloch: what
Satan: we should just like
build our own place
you know?
like what even makes Heaven Heaven
Moloch: is it God
Satan: what
I mean technically yes
“technically” God is what makes heaven heaven
but like honestly it was all in our MINDS
like we could use our MINDS to make Hell Heaven
Moloch: ok
Satan: let’s start right now
we could put a couch over there


Belial: this place sucks
Satan: a of all
no it doesn’t
YOU suck
and b of all
this place rules
and we can be whatever we want here
we don’t just have to be angels
we can literally all be kings here
Belial: yeah okay
Satan: i mean
you can’t
i’m the king
so the king is already taken
but you can be other things
Belial: what can we even do here
Satan: um
more like what CAN’T we do here
build a city of night
hate God
we can all hate God a lot from down here
we can talk about much we hate the sun
Mulciber: i don’t hate the sun
Satan: well fucking I do
so you all hate the sun now too
Mulciber: what about the moon
do we hate that
Satan: i don’t know
not really
the moon’s fine, i don’t really care about the moon
moon indifference and eternal revenge, that’s our platform


Satan: ugh do you know who im so glad isn’t around anymore
technically he wasn’t even our real dad
if you think about it
technically were probably self-begotten
not made
so we dont even need him
good fucking riddance as far as im concerned
i hope i never have to hear his name again
Mammon: that’s good
its good you’re both moving on
Satan: what do you mean
Mammon: well he
mmm he just made a whole world
and also people
Satan: WHAT
Mammon: yeah i mean
i guess he doesn’t need you either
Satan: im going over
Mammon: no don’t do it
we’re making such good progress down here
just let it go
Satan: fuck that i’m going over


Adam: are you my wife? are you Eve?
Eve: guess so
Adam: my God
you’re beautiful
Eve: oh shit for real?
scoot over
i want to check and see in the river
holy shit you weren’t kidding
Adam: I’m so glad you’ve come at last, I’ve been so lo–
Eve: hang on pal
im not done looking yet


this place is SO NICE
what the fuck is this
Eve: a tree?
Satan: you have TREES?
Eve: yeah i guess
Satan: FUCK
i literally sleep inside of a fire
Eve: sounds rough
Satan: unbelievable


Eve: do you want to make out
Satan: what
Eve: not to brag or anything but i’ve been told i’m pretty hot
so do you want to make out
Satan: don’t you have a husband
Eve: probably
i mean i have a lot of things
but i don’t have one here
in this orchard
i don’t have an orchard husband
do you want to make out or what
Satan: yeah okay
ahahah this is going to piss God off so much
Eve: stop talking
you’re ruining the making out
Satan: ok sorry

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