John Leavitt’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
18. Tennessee Williams – Tried to open eye drop bottle with teeth, choked on cap.
17. Joe Orton – Bludgeoned to death by partner during domestic dispute.
16. Jean-Paul Sartre – Infected papercut.
15. Arthur Miller – Frowned for too long, too deep.
14. Noël Coward – Appeared in public without an ascot.
13. Samuel Beckett – Looked back, became pillar of salt.
12. T. S. Eliot – Shrinking sickness.
11. Oscar Wilde – Smothered by rain of flower petals.
10. Bertolt Brecht – Just vanished into the darkness one day. Just poof – gone.
9. Molière – Giants.
8. Lillian Hellman – Executed by Nazis, replaced with robot duplicate.
7. Eugene O’Neill – Gunned down in bank heist.
6. Anton Chekov – Failed to fire gun at right time.
5. Henrik Ibsen – Carried away by large, monstrous swan after visiting aunt.
4. Euripides – Dramatic Irony.
3. Christopher Marlowe – Syphilis from visiting time travelers.
2. Graham Greene – His old nemesis, The Red Spider Of Stalingrad.
1. William Shakespeare – Ran afoul of the Fairy Queen, cursed with a mortal life.
Tags: death, humor, john leavitt, playwrights
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#17 actually happened, as those of us who’ve read/seen Prick up Your Ears can attest.
#9 is possible. Very, very possible.
I read Joe Orton’s diary (published posthumously by his agent I think). Beforehand I thought his death was such a tragedy. After reading the diary, it became a….somewhat understandable tragedy. Like many creative talents, he was a bit of a prick in private. I would genuinely love to see a movie or play about Joe Orton and Kenneth Halliwell, their relationship was so full of conflict and love and feelings.
I really really wish #11 had happened. #14 would never have happened – this is Coward we’re talking about.
You should keep an eye out for a play called “Travelling Light”, which I believe is about this very subject.
Sweeeeeeeeeeet, thank you for the heads up!
Shouldn’t we tell someone?!
#18 happened as well.
I like to think that #11 is the case, but that’s just me.
Ah! Into the Woods reference! Love it! #Bernadette4LYFE
Why is this so funny? This is when I know I’m a bit off. Everyone should die with #4.
Hellmaaaaaaan! *shrieks, throws undergarments*
This does answer the question of “Does anyone else find the idea of Lillian Hellman as a robot nazi spy as amusing as I do?”
For the first eighteen years of my life, I thought that Tennessee Williams was a woman. I can’t remember exactly how I was disabused of this notion, but I do know that it was in the context of an academic team meet, and that I was terribly mortified.
ME TOO. Thank heaven I was afforded the luxury of figuring it out in private.
At last, a kindred spirit! Tennessee just sounds so much more like an old timey girl’s name than it does an old timey boy’s name, I guess.
Although I have met a Tennessee in real life who was a dude, so I don’t know what my excuse is (to be fair, I’m not actually sure if that was the name he was born with or not).
She’s NOT?! Fuck.
Anton Chekov – Failed to fire gun at right time.
*snort laughs loudly in cubicle*
Damn those sexy time travelers!
As someone who uses her teeth to open pretty much everything, I was horrified to learn Tennessee Williams’ cause of death. Now I still use my teeth for everything, but I have flashes of morbid anxiety while I’m doing it.
See, the story I’ve read about that goes that he was holding the cap in his teeth while leaning his head back to put the drops in. So I guess just don’t tip your head all the way back while you’ve got small objects in your mouth, and you should be good!
Well, as long as you aren’t as incredibly drunk as he probably was when you open things with your teeth, you’ll probably be good. Probably.
…this is not as reassuring to me as it should be.
Aphra Behn: Never died. Just put on a disguise.
Picks sexy stance, cocks thumb and cooly waits for the large, monstrous swan slowly winging it’s way towards me; hopefully we’ll end up somewhere totally neat-o. Surprise me, swan!
Wait, I forgot about Ibsen. Anyone know if he’s a worthy travelling companion because otherwise he gets the boot over the Arctic tundra.
Ach! Die rote Spinne!
-Graham Greene’s last words.
12. T. S. Eliot – Shrinking sickness.
Not with a bang but a whimper.
12. T. S. Eliot – Shrinking sickness.
Not with a bang but a whimper.
#3 *shakes fist* Ronbledoooooooore
#3 *shakes fist* Ronbledoooooooore
Giants
This is when the chortling became uncontrollable, for me.
Plus, now I’m trying to remember which book had time travel and Kit Marlowe in it. It was Deborah Harkness, right? The sequel to Discovery of Witches?
From Williams’ Wikipedia page:
“his use of drugs and alcohol may have contributed to his death by suppressing his gag reflex. ”
Yeah, the drugs and alcohol are why his gag reflex was suppressed.
Stay adorably naive 1983 medical examiner’s report!
Cue wave of palpable relief that I am not alone in this thought.
George Bernard Shaw is still alive at 148 years old due to his vegetarian lifestyle and the fact that he is one-quarter giant tortoise.
Have you ever seen the photo of Oscar Wilde on his deathbed? He is actually COVERED IN FLOWERS. I don’t know if he wanted to get a jump on the funeral, or he just wanted to go out cosplaying as Titania. http://www.dutchhuff.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/…
His stupid great grandson put up that stupid plastic box around his tomb in Paris and now people can;t leave roses and lipstick kisses on it no more harumph I’m mad.
Well IN FAIRNESS, all the lipstick was damaging the tomb so they kind of had to do it. I’m still sad I can’t kiss the monument, though. 🙁
Put some plastic film on it, designate a kissing spot, boo hiss snarl.
Also Jim Morrison’s grave still has a GUARD next to it how is that not the worst job ever? Who is going to go haunt Morrison’s grave? All those people died in 1989.
Cue wave of palpable relief that I am not alone in this thought.
Waitaminute… if you’re talking about Great Playwrights, where’s Neil Simon? And don’t let anybody try that old “he’s still alive” excuse – if he were, Broadway playgoers would be lining up today for “Odd Couple IV – the Oddening”.
Anyway, I believe it happened at that reunion of “Your Show of Shows” writers that was hit by an asteroid … the only survivor was Mel Brooks.
Strindberg: died of a cold formed from within his icy stone heart.
Euripides, according to legend, was killed by being torn apart by a pack of wild women, so actually I think that does count as dramatic irony.
Aeschylus was killed when a lammergeier dropped a tortoise on his head, which is real and — no offense intended to this article or any others like it, I will always be happy to read lists of elaborate fictional deaths — funnier than any possible imaginary death a person could experience.
wasn’t that Orpheus though
not that I’m complaining if there is more than one instance of men getting torn apart by wild women in Greek mythology.
Euripides, according to legend, was killed by being torn apart by a pack of wild women, so actually I think that does count as dramatic irony.
Aeschylus was killed when a lammergeier dropped a tortoise on his head, which is real and — no offense intended to this article or any others like it, I will always be happy to read lists of elaborate fictional deaths — funnier than any possible imaginary death a person could experience.
You should keep an eye out for a play called "Travelling Light", which I believe is about this very subject.