OMG!-Worthy Vagina Dentata Trauma-ramas
For any teen, developing your first set of vaginal teeth is stressful enough, but when it involves your crush or flossing, it can be extra traumatic! Here, readers reveal their most cringe-worthy dentata stigmata moments!
“I was spending a Saturday night with my steady when we knew his parents were going to be out of town, and, well…things got pretty hot and heavy. In the middle of our “study sesh,” I started hearing weird noises — and not good weird noises, either. My boyfriend was making the strangest choking sounds. Then I looked down, and there was blood everywhere! At first I thought it was my period — how embarrassing! But it was coming from him. He died :(”
***
“I was on a class trip to the beach when I noticed that the cute guy from math class kept looking over at me. I figured he was crushin’ on my new leopard-print bikini, but as I got closer, he said, “I think that’s my Frisbee in there.
The good news was that later that night we totally hooked up in an empty lifeguard station. The bad news is he died :(“
***
“I was rollerskating with some friends when I spotted my crush across the rink and decided to impress him by speed-skating over to him. Did I mention I was carrying seven cups of hot coffee and wearing mittens at the time? Or that I chose that day to go commando? It was so embarrassing — I totally wiped out right in front of the hottest dude in school!
Needless to say, he died :(“
***
“A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I got into a fight because I wasn’t ready to get physical with him. Imagine my surprise when he shows up in third period the following Tuesday missing the middle and index fingers on both hands — and my best friend Mandy sitting behind him, looking like the cat that ate the canary!
Needless to say, I found a way to get back at him — both of his best friends have lost their hands up to the wrist this semester, thanks to yours truly.
Later, when my ex and Mandy went all the way, he died :(“
Tags: embarrassing stories, seventeen magazine, traumarama, vagina dentata, weird true tales
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There’s probably something really interesting to say about the concept of Vagina Dentata and the combine fear/fascination/revulsion that many men feel about vaginas and women’s sexuality, but I am not interesting.
Ha ha, vaginas with teeth!
This is beautiful.
I’m reading American Gods, and a sex worker eats a sleazy john in a real ~*Vagina Dentata Moment*~. It is a GREAT scene.
It occurs to me that I should be upset that women’s sexuality is portrayed as predatory and grotesque, but like, how upset can I really be by the idea of women literally devouring men? How great would it be if every time a man is like, “MAN EARN MONEY MAN USE MONEY TO BUY WOMAN,” he died gruesomely instead of continuing to bother women with his opinions?
Both times I’ve tried to read American Gods, I’ve found that scene so jarring and vivid that I’ve put the book down and hardly picked it back up again.
Someday.
If I edited the book, I’d cut the scene out. It’s totally unnecessary, has no bearing on the plot, and only comes up again 300 pages to later: “REMEMBER THE VAGINA DENTATA LADY? Well she died. So. BACK TO THE PLOT!”
Ha, that’s how most of the over 40s in Book Club felt too! I didn’t mind it, but I was also giggling gleefully imagining what the Club’s Most Stankfaced would say about it.
That scene is totally disturbing, but gave me the same reaction of “Good for her!” so I’m not complaining, either.
Not that this is my most favorite book ever or anything, but there are all sorts of side stories that have no real impact on the plot, but are just small vignettes as to how being a god works – or doesn’t work – in America. It’s kind of the whole point of the book? Like, you’re an ancient fertility goddess stuck in current-day California, what the fuck you gonna do with yourself these days except occasionally get dudes to sacrifice themselves to you, so you can literally fuck them to death?
And yes, it’s jarring and vivid and maybe disturbing. It’s Neil Gaiman. Wait til he gets to talk about maggots.
There are waaaaay too many side stories for my tastes. The idea is brilliant, and the first few are great and delightful to read, but Gaiman gets really into himself and keeps going and going and going, as a Man is wont to do.
I dig the world-building and reverence for the Midwest, but the book could shed 200 pages and 6 primary male characters, easily. Make Wednesday or Shadow or even Nancy or Czernobog or ANY of the tech gods a lady and I’d overlook more of his structural crimes.
I normally love Neil Gaiman, but that book was all “I HAVE EXPLAINED AMERICA!” (there was some interview he gave afterward where he basically said that), and honestly, I read the whole thing and it sounded to me like a European whining that a former collection of colonies has created its own culture.
He lives near me–should I egg his house as a performative review of the book?
splattered eggs stand for what he did to the female characters
rotten garbage stands for the dirty european country from which he came
I did enjoy reading it and would recommend it, to be clear, but he is still a Man, so I can only be so kind.
I love the side stories! But I could see how they could be a bit much.
In terms of gender representation – there are A LOT of supporting characters that are female. TV and Media are both female tech gods, there’s Laura, Sam, Easter, the Zorya sisters, Bast, not to mention almost all of the vignettes are about women coming to America. Maybe you could have made Czernoborg female, but as someone who’s usually all over the “where the ladies at?” beat, American Gods didn’t strike me as that bad in terms of representation, especially when the, ahem, pantheon of characters he was pulling from is overwhelmingly male.
Ugh, I’m defending the work of a man. I have to go shower and eat some yogurt now.
Defending the work of a man with “there are A LOT of supporting characters that are female”! ARE YOU A SUPPORTING CHARACTER CHERRISPRYTE NO YOU ARE NOT YOU ARE POWERFUL MAIN CHARACTER WITH FASCINATING DEPTH AND COMPLEXITY.
You’re right about Media, though! Forgot about that. But I’d scratch most of your list because the women are love/sex interests or otherwise relationship-centric (that is, objectified and/or represented as dependent) are Laura, Sam (arguably? she kisses him and jokes about ~*turning straight*~ soooo), Easter, one the Zorya sisters (right?), and Bast, compared to how many dudes who we meet as love/sex objects?
(none the answer is NONE)
Giaman tells a good spooky story and I dig that but I will also set dog poop aflame and leave it on his doorstep, as a gentle reminder that women too can perform interesting feats without any sex/love motivations!
While I am most certainly a main character in my own story, I’m a supporting character in a lot of other people’s stories. There’s one main character in the book. Shadow. Yeah, he’s a dude. All of the characters exist as they relate to him, because it’s his story. Laura and Bast exist as love/sex interests, sure, (though I would argue that one shouldn’t discount them just because of that, because they both also do some pretty badass shit on their own.) But Sam and Easter and the midnight Zorya, Shadow may be attracted to them, but they all have shit to do completely independent of his attraction, and their make their own decisions regardless of him. While Laura’s actions are arguably motivated by her feelings for Shadow, she’s still doing A LOT. She’s not just, like, mooning around.
And as for men we meet as love/sex objects – there is, quite literally, the sleazy producer john that opened this thread. Could there be a more literal sex object? Again, this is Shadow’s story. I’m all for mandatory bisexuality, but I think that’s a lot to ask. This isn’t a book about a bunch of people and the things that happened to all of them. Were it that, then yeah, it’d be unacceptable to not have a female lead.. But this is a book about one dude.
I regret that I have but one thumbs-up to give for my country
A male friend admitted that he found that scene kinda hot. So I developed a massive crush on him.
this is great but it’s missing the embarrassment rating system i remember from my sisters’ old magazines. like
1 molar: seek medical help, girl!
2 incisors: leave town to travel across the country seducing and murdering men
full set of down-there dentures: set yourself up as the despotic fertility/death goddess of a small island
I think I would actually have some interest in prosthetics. Like a removable bear trap.
Please never stop, Mallory.
Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase.
Vagina dentata, ain’t no passing craze…
It means no wiener for the rest of your daaaaays!
See, it’s a problem-free philosophy!
I prefer “It’s a scissor-free… penectomy!”; I like how it scans.
(Note that ‘penotomy’ means cutting the penis, and ‘penectomy’ means cutting the penis off.)
perfect
In video form.
(Song starts at 1.30.)
I knew someone must have thought of it before. It’s too obvious.
The subtitle on the accompanying image is just the most perfect thing I can imagine.
The glee I’m feeling right now is probably not healthy.
Oh my god meee toooo I’m all like, wow, this would be a hilarious and sparky way to cut down on cis straight guys
So some friends of mine do a day-long gory/horrible movie fest every year around Halloween. Most of the regular attendees are men. It is a Big Thing that’s been going on for over a decade – we rent a clubhouse, do a potluck, sleep over, and spend all day watching terrible, violent movies and getting drunk. I often have a hard time with film violence and am incapable of “enjoying” things (feminist killjoy wanting to talk to people about objectification), but there’s still fun to be had.
One year, we watched Teeth. By the end, I was laying on my sleeping bag in the front row, eyes as big as saucers, howling and applauding, while many of the men were milling around near the keg in the back of the room, saying things like “this isn’t very funny.”
BUT, OH, IT WAS. IT WAS SO FUNNY. SO VERY FUNNY.
Hahaha nice! Who’s not enjoying the sexual violence NOW, dudes?
WIN
My favorite literature class ever was the one I took on fictional murderous women and our final was a presentation on a work of fiction about a murderous lady or murderous ladies. One of my classmates did a presentation on Teeth and we all watched the scene in which a young man’s member was removed, then eaten by a dog, and let me tell you, it was a good day for misandry at the women’s college. There was applause and laughter. So much applause and laughter.
God I love Teeth. A mainstay of the single-sex educational atmosphere: we watched it all the time at Boarding School and Boarding School Part II aka College. In case you were wondering.
So 11 weeks late whatever but I had this exact experience with Hard Candy. Started out all ‘oh I hope it’s not scary’/’You’ll be fine, we’ll protect you’ nonsense, and by the end I was cackling with glee and my two male friends were curled up in horror in their chairs. It was a viewing for the ages.
“he died :(”
Sadface indeed, youngling. Adulthood comes when you genuinely replace the sadface with a smileyface 🙂
but what happens when TWO vagina dentata hook up?
our red-orange auras light up the night sky
You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they’re eating spaghetti, and they get opposite ends of the same noodle? It’s like that, but with more teeth.
When we were teenaged cleaning ladies my cousin and I used to pass the time while scrubbing kitchens and bathrooms making up our own seriously outlandish versions of these. Sorry to say none involved glittering vagina teeth, but they were always ridiculous and always ended with “AND MY CRUSH WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE!” Man, I miss those columns.
Can we go back to the Frisbee thing for a minute? For some reason that made me think of Kira from the Dark Crystal, carrying around her little pet fur-thing. My new headcanon is that it’s an external vagina dentata that she just carries around, and sometimes it eats a dude’s frisbee or hand or whatever. Of course, in this version of the Dark Crystal, Jen dies 🙁
Lol’d so hard at “He died :(“
New specialization for dentistry: orthodontia for vagina denta—whoops, sorry about your fingers, Doc!
Oh god, how terrible would it be to have snaggle-toothed vagina dentata? You’d keep, like, accidentally cutting your own labia.
My favorite literature class ever was the one I took on fictional murderous women and our final was a presentation on a work of fiction about a murderous lady or murderous ladies. One of my classmates did a presentation on Teeth and we all watched the scene in which a young man's member was removed, then eaten by a dog, and let me tell you, it was a good day for misandry at the women's college. There was applause and laughter. So much applause and laughter.
To 'solve' the problem you would need to lace it with some kind of poison. Maybe banana spider's venom, for irony points
SO GOOD.
When I was 13 I used to write ridiculous traumarauma submissions and send them in under fake names because I thought I could fool Seventeen magazine and win a cool girl reputation for myself at school. They were too discerning to be fooled into thinking it plausible that an entire volleyball team could lose their pants in an escalator accident. 🙁
“He died :(”
And now so have I.
Never change, The Toast!
And omg TEETH is such a good movie. I watched it alone but I really want to watch it with a group of men sometime.
stop. i can’t. i can’t breathe. omg.
So the message here is that there are times when you know having sex is a bad idea, but you really want to anyway, so you do, and then it turns out the consequences can be life-changing (or -ending).
Vagina Dentata -> V.D. -> Venereal Disease
It’s, like, a metaphor. Whoa.
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of “put an end to misogynist(ic?) culture”, but your solution seems a lot simpler.
'How great would it be if every time a man is like, "MAN EARN MONEY MAN USE MONEY TO BUY WOMAN," he died gruesomely instead of continuing to bother women with his opinions?'
I feel like this is the sentiment I have been trying to express my whole life.