Far be it from me to criticize the tactics of modern union organizers, but frankly I think the world was a better place when tradesmen organized to agitate for their rights in the workplace and practice esoteric mind-controlling spells at the same time.
The Society of the Horseman’s Word was a fraternal secret society that operated in Scotland from the eighteenth through to the twentieth century. Its members were drawn from those who worked with horses, including horse trainers, blacksmiths and ploughmen, and involved the teaching of magical rituals designed to provide the practitioner with the ability to control both horses and women.
The Wikipedia page is sadly light on information about the Society’s mind-control tactics for women, but presumably one just did the same ritual as used on horses, subbing “human” for “horse” wherever necessary in the script.
The initiation rituals into the society incorporated a number of elements such as reading passages from the Bible backwards, and the secrets included Masonic-style oaths, gestures, passwords and handshakes. Like the similar societies of the Miller’s Word and the Toadsmen, they were believed to have practiced witchcraft. In East Anglia, horsemen with these powers were sometimes called Horse Witches.
It is absolute garbage that UNWORTHY MEN get to be called something as cool as Horse Witches, but I kind of love how straightforward most secret societies are. “Freeasons control the government! Skull & Bones orchestrated Atlantis’ 9/11 and they have the secrets of the Benghazi Monks of Mu!” I guarantee you that they do not. They drink beer and the most creative “dark arts” activity they can think of is reading the Bible backwards, which is adorable. Five bucks says their password was “palomino.”
Initiates had to ‘shake the Devil’s hand,’ which was usually “a stick covered with some sort of hairy skin,” because people are simple and wonderful.
Their big horse-controlling secret? Candy. (This also works on women; can confirm.)
There were also pleasant smelling and inviting materials, such as sweets, that the horseman could keep in their pocket in order to calm, attract, and subdue a crazed horse. Keeping these techniques secret, along with the myth that there was a word that only the horseman knew that gave them and them alone power over horses helped guarantee their reputation, prestige, job security, and pay. The same type of logic and protection of trade secrets can be seen among modern magicians who keep their tricks secret and only share them with other members of their trade.
One critic of the Society, a ploughman who later became a grocer and published a book entitled Eleven Years at Farm Work; being a true tale of farm servant life (1879), claimed that “Without betraying any secret, it may be said the real philosophy of the horseman’s word, consists in the thorough, careful, and kind treatment of the animals, combined with a reasonable amount of knowledge of their anatomical and physiological structure.”
The current Baron of Kilmarnock is a member of the Society of the Horseman’s Word; his website is here if you want to ask him any questions about it, which I think you should. God bless.
Tags: animals, history, sctoland, secret societies, the society of the horseman’s word
I wanna know more about the Toadsmen, specifically re: are they toad people or just normal mammalian people who maintain toads professionally.
Google has returned an unsatisfyingly small amount of information on the Toadsmen. I have an urge to return to graduate school just so I can write a thesis on them.
what is google hiding
And why is “google.com” an anagram for “men of toads,” hmmmmmm?
Sophisticated anti-hologram algorithms yield this enhanced image of Google CEO and “human” Larry Page, Google representatives have declined to comment:
http://i.imgur.com/Mlz8gnf.jpg
I imagine Gussie Finknottle and the Newtsmen as their mortal enemies.
Possibly with bumbling musical numbers.
Rival organization the Toadmans claim the Toadsmen are impostors; pretenders to the throne of Toad Control. The truth may never be known.
True story: IT functions in exactly the same manner. Most professional IT people I’ve worked with or from swear by never teaching anyone around them anything, and just letting them think it’s magic.
Sadly… candy does not work on computers
OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT
Of course not *hides the wrappers for all the werther’s needed to get your laptop to boot*
Turning my keyboard upside down and shaking it will confirm this sad fact.
Homemade Baked goods work on IT people…shhhhh, I’ve said too much
It’s true though!
Also beer. Beer has worked well in my experience.
Correct Beer (cheap beer, IT people are not fussy) and pizza also work on IT
If you download a virus that crashes your company’s server, it might take Beer, Pizza and home made cookies to win their silence.
Yup. “There are so many vegetarians at MIT that pepperoni has been declared an honorary vegetable.”
-dlj.
Yes! I have used homemade cookies to great effect on the IT department at my work.
That’s kind of a throwback, actually, to the days when we were legitimately wizards. We dwelt in dark, smoky caves filled with strange figures and arcane diagrams; we spoke little, but commanded a power unknowable by mere mortals; we drank strange potions and spoke in unknown tongues!
IT person translation:
“we got drunk in the server closet after getting super high, and then we watched illegally downloaded anime and tried to learn enough japanese to meet a cutie”
STOP GIVING AWAY OUR SECRETS
I try to get my work computer to function by promising to sacrifice a goat to it. I have had mixed success with this, and so far have not had to follow through with an actual sacrifice, but the thought of all those markers mounting up makes me very uneasy.
Of course, the computer will demand collection on this debt just as you need an urgent print job.
“… the thorough, careful, and kind treatment of the animals, combined with a reasonable amount of knowledge of their anatomical and physiological structure.”
(This also works on women; can confirm.)
All that and a lot of practice with observing and responding to small signals from another being who could hurt you and whom you could hurt. (Also candy.)
By ‘controlling women’ I think they mean ‘meeting up every week to complain about their wives’.
Which is the case with all known male secret societies.
“Yes, but what man can tame her?”
Of COURSE they were called horse witches in East Anglia, it’s fucking weird here
So Mallory has just been up late at night for a few weeks Googling “HORSES WEIRD STUFF UNITED KINGDOM” then, right? First the tail-braiding witches, now this!!
Mallory, I got to warn you that this new interest in horse-related witchcraft is really taking you into some dangerous territory.
Not from me, I am not saying that, I am just saying that there are powers in this world that are better left UNEXPLORED.
I am 100% pro-The Toast turning into an Internet clearinghouse for equine witchery.
Look, I can’t talk about it anymore here, but I am just trying to warn you guys that there are ramifications.
Serious ramifications.
Imagining all the horse training methods I’ve ever heard of being applied with the word “woman” substituted for “horse” …
“Slowly approach the woman from the side, gently placing your hand on her neck and blowing several short puffs of air into her nostrils”
“Apply pressure to your woman’s nose, slowly increasing the pressure until you achieve a response. As you repeat this technique, you should get a greater response from your woman with less and less stimulation”
You are the genius we need, though we do not deserve you.
Some selections from the horse whisperer website:
“Pay close attention to your woman’s diet. Hotter blooded women require less protein. If overfed they can become too ‘high.'”
“Teach your women to lead properly. There is a bubble around you they cannot invade -unless invited.”
“Don’t turn your women into beggars and muggers with treats. Feed from a bucket, not your hand.”
“Learn how to properly reprimand your woman, if necessary. Beginning with a shhhhhhhh noise lets the woman know she’s getting out of bounds.”
“Desensitizing your woman never ends. How creative are you?”
“A woman working her mouth, licking her lips, is a sign of understanding and relaxation.”
“Spooky women lack confidence and experience.”
“There is a bubble around you they cannot invade -unless invited.”
This doesn’t apply in reverse, though.
WARLOCKS OF THE WORLD UNITE
Psh. Horse Witches just sat in the fields at night, braiding their horse’s manes, and asked their advice.
“I don’t know, Apples. Betty was so much fun before we got married, but now she just seems angry all the time! What magic can I use to get her to be fun again?” asks the Horse Witch.
“Don’t be a jackass, Dave,” Apples replies. “She works all day as a seamstress, cleans your house, and cooks you dinner, and you never thank her for it. You never even offer to wash the dishes! And she’s been so supportive of your horse witchery; when’s the last time you asked her about her poetry?”
“You’re so right! I’m going to go home right now and apologize. You’re the best, Apples!”
Dave and Betty live happily ever after. MAGIC.
Horse witch fanfic 4everrrrrr
More more more please
If someone’s going to try to tame me with candy, it can be Fran’s smoked sea salt caramels, and I’ll fake it for a good fifteen minutes.
it may be said the real philosophy of the horseman’s word, consists in the thorough, careful, and kind treatment of the animals, combined with a reasonable amount of knowledge of their anatomical and physiological structure.
Also, I hear horses are way more likely to listen to you if you spend conversations looking at their eyes, rather than their withers.
Look, I can't talk about it anymore here, but I am just trying to warn you guys that there are ramifications.
Serious ramifications.
I think it would be remiss not to mention Horse Master: The Game of Horse Mastery http://noncanon.com/HorseMaster.html
Yup. "There are so many vegetarians at MIT that pepperoni has been declared an honorary vegetable."
-dlj.
I HIGHLY recommend reading the entire http://www.kilmarnock.com website.
sooo ….yet another thing sir terry wasnt making up about albion aka the ramtops
….just like ferret-legging
(google it naowwwww so i am not the only one agog @ what humans will do for “fun’ or onna dare!!)
"There is a bubble around you they cannot invade -unless invited."
This doesn't apply in reverse, though.