The History of the Royal Houses of Europe, 850-PresentA thousand years ago — so the legend goes — God offered the Hapsburgs a choice: “You can have Europe,” he told them, “or you can have chins. But you cannot have both.”
They made their decision, and they were happy with it.
“Two Tom Bombadils, a weird-ass bird, and a bell that turns into a dress.”
The heraldist protested. “My Lords, I–”
“Two Tom Bombadils. A weird-ass bird. A bell that turns into a dress.”
So it remains to this very day.
Some say World War One was brought on by the tendency of the Electors of Prussia, Brandenburg and Lower Silesia to neglect matters of state in order to meet at their summer estates along the Rhine and grow mustaches at one another.
“Cheer up,” the Hapsburgs would say to one another in particularly low moments. “At least you’re not a Stuart.”
Underneath their puffy jackets, most of the Kings of Hungary stood about two foot four and weighed between forty-five and forty-seven pounds. When startled or threatened, the average Hungarian royal could puff himself up to as much as three times his normal size.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.