you ok?
what?
idk
you’re lying down and you look mad
no im having a great time babe
do you want to go home or something
why would i want to go home
when im having such a great time here
watching you talk to your friends
and watching you drink with your friends
and watching you have a great time with all of your friends that i dont know
christ
you can be such an asshole sometimes
ahhhh i dont think i should
oh my god just tell us or don’t
jesus
don’t make us beg you to tell us the story
no don’t stop now
we’re both so fascinated
fine well okay
i’m tired too
i get tired too, okay?
so maybe fucking i’ll just lay down on this marble too, see how you like that
maybe you should carry me home, because i’m more tired than you
there’s more of me to get tired, so i’m more tired than you are, so i’m going to sleep now
honestly there is like
not a great way to say this
but i sort of figured that more of you were going to die in childhood
or like
in childbirth or something
like you would die while i was in childbirth
nothing personal i just didnt think there were still going to be so many of you here at this point in my life
hooray
no definitely
definitely keep all trying to grab me and get my attention at the same time
yeah just whisper all at once, i’ll figure out what you’re saying afterwards
i don’t like you
do we really all have to be here for this
oh good question
i don’t know
what’s the only checkers rule that we have in this house
dad
please
WHAT’S THE ONLY CHECKERS RULE THAT WE HAVE IN THIS HOUSE
the checkers rule is that we all have t–
THE ONLY CHECKERS RULE IS THAT WHEN I WANT TO PLAY CHECKERS EVERYBODY PLAYS CHECKERS
are you up
what
get up
yes
im already up
no you’re not
yes i am
im not like
leaping around
but im still up
okay well
get up
okay well
i fucking am up, so
no get up though
wake uppp
im awake
i was already awake
i cannot pretend to listen to all of you right now
so one of you is going to have to decide if they actually have something important to say
and the rest of you will just have to GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY NECK
ugh
yes
im cominnng
im getting up
im basically already up
Tags: art history, artwork, smiling
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May this series never end. Even that baby looks bored of checkers!
but i sort of figured that more of you were going to die in childhood
I am trying not to cry at work, I really am, but the laugh-tears are just squeezing out of my eyeballs and it’s embarrassing.
this squirrel shat on my arm you know
just shat
right on my arm
that’s fine
(Hans Holbein the Younger, A Lady with a Squirrel and a Starling )
Do you think Hans Holbein the Younger just paints the same person’s head on everyone’s body, all the time, even on babies?
I think he might
I mean he painted Jane Seymour and Anne Boleyn as essentially identical
They all have the same nose! I guess he learned to draw a nose once and never looked back.
Noses are really hard!
whaaat they are totally different such as in the mouth and the chin and the concave vs. bumpy noses and all! They don’t even look related! It helps that Jane Seymour is making that face, but even without it you would not mistake them.
IA but that lady with the squirrel and Anne Boleyn pretty much look identical
Aren’t they cousins though?
like much everyone in western-european history was related, so, probably
Yeah, but I don’t have the same roughly weasel-shaped face as my irish cousin. We look nothing alike!
We certainly don’t share a weird commonality of look despite our disparate features. Like, somehow having different features but still looking like we were built on a receding-chinned, big-nosed, empty-eyed mould.
Monk 1: So, how do people’s heads look? Monk 2: All exactly the same. Monk 1: Wow, really. Even babies? Monk 2: Oh definitely, babies too, all heads look exactly the same.
Every picture of the woman with too many children is me. (And I only have 2, and they’re young women now.)
That is exactly how it feels though, right? Like there are twenty of them touching you at the same time and even if they have angel wings it is super annoying.
Especially with the damn wings.
Y’ALL.
Audibly chuckled at this comment, Bergie.
I thought of you as soon as I saw this. No offense?
No wonder she’s shielding her boobs.
I legitimately think that GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK is something I say at least five times a day. Although I do try to phrase it more gently. Usually.
Oh, much LOLing at the GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK. SO much.
“I know you think that’s a hug or a tickle, but you’re actually just strangling me.”
Yes sweet christ, I have a two month old and a three year old and ALWAYS WITH THE TOUCHING. JUST LET MOMMY BE ALONE FOR THREE GODDAMN MINUTES SHE JUST WANTS TO POOP.
I can’t help you with the two-month-old, but this always cracks me up and seems age-appropriate for your sometimes-pooping needs.
That is amazing – I’m a long way off having kids, but I’m filing that idea away for the sanity of my future self.
Does it work for dogs?
I know that feeling. I avoided parenthood. Of course I did. I love dogs but have always refused puppies. Adult dogs only. Even so, with only 2 adult dogs, I am often heard to shout “Leave me alone!” That’s when my Beloved calls the dogs and puts a closed door between them and me. How do you parents keep your sanity? I can’t even.
No, *two* doors between us. In that mood, I cannot stand the whining at the door and the shoving of wet little noses under the door and snuffling pitifully.
Charles Shaw is $2.49 and my parents gave me their HBOGO login. (I also work part-time as a librarian and it’s quieter at work than at home.)
If I ever get a dog that a Kong filled with frozen peanut butter does not distract, I will cry.
Sadly, you will not be left alone to poop until the children are school age. Unless you go back to work first. Always a tempting option.
Oh look I just totally by accident tipped over the jar of coins
that are a choking hazard.
Aren’t they shiny
I wonder what they taste like
I’m pretty sure the first lying down lady is actually a very pretty man with a subtle penis
Yeah—pretty confident it’s Cupid & Psyche
yeah but don’t worry i did not let that stop me from including it
Shoutout to all the ladies with penises!
I always think it’s so interesting how they used to paint men with such tiny penises. I haven’t ever looked into the why about it; I just chuckle and move along.
It was kind of the ideal size. Big penises were seen as uncultured/animalistic/barbaric/vulgar. Small penises were a sign of cultural superiority and civilization.
That’s fascinating.
Well, in Ancient Greek sculpture at least it’s apparently because the work is not actually about sexuality, but rather the idealisation of the human form. I think perhaps by the time of later paintings it was more about the sexual side of things but maybe the idea was a hangover from ancient statuary? The British Museum has a video on it, but I can’t seem to find it.
The lady delivering the wake-up call doesn’t appear to be having a great time either.
Maybe xe prefers non-binary pronouns.
The last one is me. EVERY. MORNING.
The last one is me, right now.
<img src="http://www.kevinalfredstrom.com/art/d/2313-1/John+Everett+Millais+-+Portrait+of+Miss+Evelyn+Tennant.jpg" target='_blank'> ;http://www.kevinalfredstrom.com/art/d/2313-1/John…. //>
Millais—frosty bitches with luscious hair.
the girl with the green dress is so not into whatever the other girl is doing. Is she kissing a bird or the green girl’s breast? I can’t tell on my phone
The bird, but the girl in the green dress is DEFINITELY NOT INTO IT.
Oh my gosh there is SO MUCH going on in the one above. Like what? Is this where the concept of female multitasking comes from? Did it come from this painting?
“Hi, you’re back, don’t wake the baby, yeah, here’s your letter, dog, that’s gross, dammit, I JUST got to sleep. Shit.”
seriously like just give me one minute
christ almighty
“Peggy groped for the best way to tell Don that his new mustache was hideous.”
Oh this one is delightful. Such SCORN
I think that is the face I make when I am trying to light someone on fire with the power of my mind.
Is this a good place to mention that all i want in life is a “Big Hair, No Heart” t-shirt? Because I feel that’s relevant right now.
Please please please, Toast Powers That Be!
Omg yes, I will order 7 and wear one every day
Ugh LOOK AT CHECKERS DAD JUST JAMMING HIS GODDAMN FOOT WAY OUT INTO OTHER PEOPLE’S SPACE, in two hundred years his spiritual brethren will ride the Acela up and down along the Northeast Corridor like a bunch of dicks and they will all splay out their legs just like that because their lordly femurs deserve stretching more than anybody else’s
“hooray
no definitely
definitely keep all trying to grab me and get my attention at the same time”
my life
All of the waking up ones are basically my sister and I growing up (tiny penis on the first one aside). I’M AWAKE, DAMN IT.
So wait… is that winged baby in #3 wearing a banana hammock swimsuit?
I think it’s my new goal to find and buy suitable land for a commune where the temperature and insect life allow for women to wander about, maybe only slightly draped in silks, but generally just nude and languidly stretching.
Maybe that New Lesbos Kickstarter we’ve been bandying about around here isn’t such an improbable idea…
will gladly contribute all my hard earned cash to this dream
Natalie Barney was working on that for awhile. Sadly, it never quite came together.
I run an infant/toddler childcare, and YES. Please stop standing on my legs. Having four toddlers who would fall down if I move all clinging to my clothes feels more claustrophobic than anything else to me.
YES
I was trying to figure out who the “both” was in the one with the woman in the boat, and before I noticed the dog I concluded that there was a dead body under that cloth and she was saying that both she and the dead guy were the same levels of fascinated.
Does anyone know why angels are often depicted as babies/toddlers? It seems so incongruous with the vengeful smight-iness of the god of the Bible. It’s… unsettling.
I don’t know, I’ve met one or two pretty vengeful smite-y toddlers. I think it’s the extreme irrationality that makes them terrifying?
Hmm. Adult models with kids, who don’t have daycare? Painter says, “Screw it, hold him in place for five minutes, I’ll put wings on him, we can always put in another angel”?
They’re cherubs though, aren’t they ? As in, one specific kind of angel. I’ll admit I’m not sure why cherubs are supposed to be babies with wings, and whether that’s accurate to whatever source material they go back to, but it’s not “angels” in general. For example depictions of archangels or specific ones like Michael etc are different.
My mother had five children and sometimes she would just sit and watch us play and I used to think it was very sweet until I got old enough to interpret the look as “why do I need all of you if I don’t have a farm”.
Can we talk about the small shy child in the “I hoped more of you would be dead by now” painting? The one who’s clearly not into this whole posing nude thing, and wants the audience to stop looking at her?
Yeah, I zoomed right in on that poor child and identified strongly with them somehow.
I want to know why the artist chose to include this shy, probably fairly uncomfortable child in the painting. We’re probably supposed to find it charming and adorable? Just like it’s cute when women try to assert boundaries?
“Please, go on, tell me more, did you notice I am subtly flipping you the bird” http://www.frieze.com/uploads/images/middle/1982….
(Lilla Cabot Perry, 1914)
“Jesus H. Christ, if I’ve heard this once I’ve heard it a dozen times” (Portrait of Hannah Bassett by Ammi Phillips, 1830) http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lZynfnXjDCw/Utxw2lS-IBI…
Amazingly, this is on display in the same museum as the Lilla Cabot Perry one linked directly above
My favorite thing about number 2 is that I can’t tell which of them is thinking the other’s an asshole. It could be the woman. It could be the girl. It could be BOTH.
That first one is me, every time I go out.
Ahh I kind of wanted to more directly say that anatomy was not impossibly hard. I mean, my parents are trained artists and I studied practical art for my A-levels and history of art for my degree, so I can appreciate that anatomy is a challenge but, of course, that's why artists study constantly, especially if they want to build a career painting/drawing the figure.
Recently I took a 3 month life drawing class and was amazed at how you need to re-examine your way of looking, your way of making decisions. I was glad to work with a teacher who'd say, 'You're going wide here', 'If you can get the calf, then you can travel to the line of the thigh here.' I learned so much, and came away with a deeper appreciation of the skill.
Oh, at last my random knowledge of old art trends comes in handy.
So, there used to be a tradition of painting small naked children into random scenes (these were called putti). Sometimes they were used to represent innocence or playfulness, or sometimes they got wings added as a nod to Greek mythology and Cupid, or to represent messenger spirits and related mythological but non-Christian spirits. These generally fell out of favor until the Renaissance, when painters looked back at them and were just, oh, this is a trend we have to bring back. Winged humans? Angels. Definitely got to be angels (damn you, Donatello). And then people just went with it, and now you cannot escape the insufferable rosy-cheeked angel babies.
Not sure when they started getting called cherubs, but it's kind of a shame that everyone associates the term with winged giggling babies now, as cherubs were originally described as gigantic monstrous creatures with four faces each (man, bull, eagle, and lion). Though, I guess that description is some people's impression of children, so…
Anyway, there's your useless knowledge for the day!
In the multi-angel picture, four of them are looking at a dreadful spot on the woman’s back. Maybe it’s a birthmark in the shape of a penis, or the map of Italy or something…?
im getting up
im basically already up
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