Previously: The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming and Tipping.
“I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible.”
“I don’t have any of these ingredients at home. Could you rewrite this based on the food I do have in my house? I’m not going to tell you what food I have. You have to guess.”
“I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing them with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
“Could you please give the metric weight measurements, and sometime in the next twenty minutes; I’m making this for a dinner party and my guests are already here.”
“i dont have an oven, can i still make this? please reply immediately”
“Does anyone know if you can make this ahead of time and freeze it?”
“Have you thought about making a sugar-free version of this?”
“Can you give us a calorie breakdown for this?”
“I followed this to the letter, except I substituted walnuts and tofu for the skirt steak, ditched the cheese entirely, and replaced the starch with a turnip salad. Turned out great. My seven-year-old boys have never seen a dessert and I’ve convinced them that walnut-and-turnip salad is “cake.” Thanks for the recipe!”
“I’m having a lot of trouble signing up for your newsletter. Can you please assist?”
“a warning that if you cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for twenty-five minutes its completely ruined. do you have any suggestions?”
“I didn’t have buttermilk, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible.”
“I love this recipe! I added garlic powder, Italian seasoning, a few flakes of nutritional yeast, half a bottle of kombucha, za’atar, dried onion, and biscuit mix to mine. Great idea!”
“Due to dietary restrictions, I am only able to eat Yatzhee dice. I made the necessary substitutions, and it turned out great.”
“If you use olive oil for any recipe that’s cooked over 450°F, the oil will denature and you will get cancer. This post is irresponsible. You should only use grapeseed oil you’ve pressed yourself in a very cold room.”
“[600-word description of what they ate today] so this will make a great addition!”
“I just started Paleo yesterday, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to make this without the ingredients.”
“I was all out of cake flour, so I transfigured my hands into puffer fish, which worked pretty well.”
“Have you considered making a version of this margherita pizza for your readers who are trying to avoid gluten, dairy and nightshades? What if I shoved a roll of basil leaves in my mouth, do you think that would taste good?”
“this was a very good post for your recipe you made, i made a similar recipe over at my blog last month, please consider linking back.”
“I’m actually a supertaster, so I can’t eat anything that isn’t licking the salt off the top of saltines; will this recipe work for me?”
“If you don’t soak the seeds for at least fourteen hours before using, the phytic acid will give you cancer. Just thought you should know.”
Tags: comment sections, food, humor, the internet
Will this affect my oil pulling regimen?
My least favorite is the “wow! this looks great!!! can’t wait to try!!!”. Sometimes there are hundreds of these and not a single one about whether or not the recipe is a complete waste of time. Why comment if you haven’t tried it? Come back when you have something useful to share.
“This looks great! Pinned!”
GET OUT.
Oh, I think of those as feedback for the recipe author/blogger. Annoying when there’s lots of them, but also how you “pay” somebody who’s blogging recipes for you for free.
that’s a good point, hadn’t thought of that
These people and the people who give one star Amazon reviews based on the fact that they meant to buy a completely different product instead kill me.
Yes I am a monster who uses Amazon Prime.
Honest question: is there something bad I should know about Amazon Prime?
Disingenuous question: is there something bad I should know about monsters?
I read this as “I know Amazon’s known for treating workers poorly, but it’s so convenient/affordable that I still use it enough that Prime is a good deal for me.”
Also the people stating that they bought the item as a gift and have no idea whether it’s any good.
Or, alternately, that they appreciated the item’s ability to be given to their cousin and her third husband as a first anniversary gift , so they have given it five stars.
This is a result of Amazon asking you incessantly to rate everything you buy, even if you flag it as a gift during shipping. Stupid marketing tricks FTW.
Their incessant emails asking me to review things I’ve bought leads to me writing reviews like:
“These batteries are batteries. There does not appear to be anything wrong with them.”
Five stars!
http://leasthelpful.com/ may be relevant to you
Or the people who give one star reviews because the product was late to arrive.
I also love the people who respond to someone asking a question about a product on Amazon with “I haven’t purchased this product so I can’t help you.”
What?! Do they really think the person asking the question was waiting to hear from them?
The answers on Amazon like this make laugh so hard and then die a little inside.
“Can’t help you, sorry. I just ordered mine and it hasn’t arrived yet!”
Every single question has that answer. I think it’s a big ol’ “internets” joke we’re not in on. It’s only irksome because I want a friggen answer, otherwise it’s quite hilarious!
THOSE ARE THE WORST. And fair enough about feedback or what have you, but they are everywhere. Like on Martha Stewart’s recipes. Look, Martha Stewart is not being paid in compliments.
Sometimes I answer like that so I can go back and find it on my Activity Log so I can actually make it.
My non-food blog has 85k visits and 500 comments in its lifetime. Most of which were by done by a handful of loyal friends and followers who I know personally consistently, month after month. That leaves 100 comments left by random people. I will appreciate any and all comments.
I am a real, live food blogger, and even I don’t like the “Looks great! Pinned!” comments. I’m supposed to appreciate the feedback and support, but they seem like a disingenuous waste of everyone’s time. Fortunately, I don’t get many of them because I don’t leave many of them. It’s a weird tit for tat in the blogging world. I like to actually reply to every comment I receive, and it’s hard to come up with anything to say in response besides, “Thanks!” What is the point of all that?
They took the time to read your blog post and comment on it. I think that’s pretty cool.
Oh, I do appreciate all comments from readers who took the time to read my post and comment. The “Looks good! Pinned!” comments are usually from other bloggers who probably didn’t read the post.
Not everybody has time to read a bunch of useless comments. When I finally find a recipe that I would like to try I want to see what other people think of that recipe, I read what people write thinking that they are giving a review. That way I get an idea if it’s worth my time, work and money to make it.
Yes, please do that.
As a new blogger, I LOVE these comments. Makes me happy to know that someone actually read through the entire post and cared enough to leave a comment. 🙂
SWEET BABY JESUS YES.
No one cares about your banal thoughts!
I read this comment and felt vindicated.
exactly!! please no comments just reviews.
Love you! I only had to scroll down on comment to find the best one on the page.
Another version of, “This looks great!” is the comment (usually from another food blogger) saying something to the effect of, “This looks so good I want to lick my screen!” or, “I am almost drooling on my keyboard!”. Please, just tell me if the recipe is good. I am so glad this thread exists.
I like when people actually rate the recipe based on how it looks. “Omg this looks so good! Can’t wait to try it! FIVE STARS!”
I’m glad I work alone, because I cracked up the whole way through this. This is entirely comprehensive; I don’t believe any other sort of comment has ever been made on a food blog.
they forgot one big one “let me know when you’re making this (and your address if I’m a complete stranger) so I can come eat some!”
oh god, so true
when I was looking for macaroni cheese recipes, the amount of comments that boiled down to ‘I replaced all the main ingredients and it didn’t work! Recipe sucks!’ were astonishing.
(I mean, I like to make additions/changes to recipes, but usually only after I’ve cooked to the recipe a couple of times.)
Almost worse: “This was great! I replaced every ingredient with a different ingredient in slightly different ratios and it turned out awesome!”
So, you made another recipe, then. Ooook. Helpful review, very helpful.
Sometimes those are awesome en masse, though. Epicurious tends to be fairly good at crowd-altering recipes; I’ll browse a dozen or so comments and usually two-thirds are “I took everyone else’s suggestion and upped the garlic and salt, and they were right”.
Of course, what recipe *wouldn’t* that advice apply to?
Chocolate mousse.
literal, classic lol
You could roast the garlic… and…. and…
*sidles over, whispers* we’ll make it work, we’ll show them
I’ve had it work well for stuff like Southeast Asian cooking, where English-language recipes offering alternatives to twelve hours over an open firepit tend to be about 80% right only they use homeopathic quantities of spice or randomly replaced a couple irreplaceable ingredients that struck Jane Wonderbread from Sundown Town as “too ethnic”, where it’s hard to judge for yourself until you’ve worked out how all the ingredients work together, and some commenter will come along and provide the proper proportions and/or let you know that ginger is not a substitute for galangal, adding up to one actually delicious meal.
When you change everything in the recipe and it’s delicious, awesome. When you change everything in the recipe and it sucks, what you have there is your own shitty recipe, put it in the trash and keep your shame private.
I know this is super old, but holy crap “homeopathic quanitities of spice” is the best, most accurate description for 90% of the food I ate growing up and now abhor. I wish I had more likes to give you.
ALL THE TIME. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS.
it is infuriating and i take it personally
I have quit reading comments on recipes because the smug replacement grief/brangging and the “can I replace the whole milk with skim milk/almond milk/water/applesauce?” and “how do you make this gluten free” give me an eye twitch.
Or at least once
I had juuuuuuust taken a sip of coffee before reading, “Due to dietary restrictions, I am only able to eat Yatzhee dice,” so now there’s coffee everywhere and that’s my new catchphrase.
I’ve heard that Yahtzee dice actually contain trace elements of fiber, so I myself have switched over to Sorry pieces, which are completely plastic and thus contain no nutritional value whatsoever.
Marry me.
OMG, I hope it’s BPA-free plastic! I only eat Ravensburger wooden game pieces which are handcrafted of organic, responsibly-sourced wood by local artisans who are paid a living wage.
ETA: When I got downthread I realized I was WAY late to the party with this comment.
That was also the one where I died.
Yep. Same here.
I have food allergies and so have to sub stuff sometimes. But I’d never, EVER post on of these moronic reviews of a recipe that wasn’t the recipe, or worse still, expect some poor food blogger to figure out what I could substitute for me. People are idiots.
“It didn’t work! What did I do wrong?” [does not give any details into what “didn’t work” means]
If you don’t read this article on an east facing computer before 10:00am, the cathode rays will give you cancer. Just thought you should know.
BRB, rearranging my office and getting rid of all yeast-based food.
This is true _even if you are using a non-CRT monitor_. Because science.
So, that’s how that happens! Now, I get it!
If you still have a monitor that emits cathode rays, you simply need to aim the tube at your recipe nd zap until tender. Meantime you can go out and buy a safe flat screen.
[Recipe for Chocolate Cake]
Comment: I don’t like chocolate, or cake. This recipe, this blog, and by extension, you are garbage.
Alternately, on recipe for chocolate cake:
“I don’t like cake, or chocolate, but I went out and bought all these ingredients and made this anyway for reasons no one can fathom and it was garbage, as I suspected, and why didn’t you make a chocolate cake that I, a chocolate cake hater, would enjoy? Waste of money and my time, would not make again.”
Also, “Looks great but sooo unhealthy.” “Yeah but chocolate is really bad for you.” No shit. It’s a chocolate cake recipe.
“Looks soooo good! I would replace butter with applesauce, chocolate with carob, cream with skim milk, white flour with whole wheat, and frosting with decorative plastic peel-off frosting when I make it. Sooo much healthier!!!”
SHUT UP
“Wish I could eat this but I’ve given up refined sugars, fats, dairy, eggs, and flour too, just for fun! The pounds are just falling off, though! #soblessed #lovemynewbody #truebeauty #cleaneating #healthywifehappylife #smug”
Those hashtags made me simultaneously gag and snort-laugh. Too many #smugtags in my newsfeed at present.
Can we petition Facebook for a hashtag limit? YOU GET MAX 2.
Just about managed to hold it together until this ~ now I’m crying & laughing so much I’ve got a cough! Hilarious!!!!!
“Can I replace the strawberries in this fruit salad recipe with blueberries? I really need your permission before I can proceed.”
Should not read while eating breakfast. Comments, except at Toast, have made me such a misanthropist.
I was all out of cake flour, so I transfigured my hands into puffer fish, which worked pretty well.
I want to cross-stitch this on a sampler and hang it in my kitchen.
Gonna be pretty hard to cross-stitch with those puffer fish hands.
Not if you train ’em right.
when will the furrows leave my brow?
Are those anything like the “lobster-claw-hands” in that good karma ad?
Oh, oh! If you do this, it should have a big puffer fish in the middle, with the quote arched over and under it. HILARIOUS!
I’m laughing so hard at this right now, I’m crying.
Will you make lots of them and sell on Etsy? Pretty please?
“This turned out fine, but who keeps all these ingredients around? Not worth the $245 I had to spend on Amazon to buy oat flour.”
I also honestly saw someone on a blog or whatever who was bitching because “Who says eating out is more expensive than eating in! I bought a pound of ground beef and a taco kit and 1 tiny container of sour cream and a bag of shredded cheese and a container of guacamole and it cost WAY more than tacos at the taqueria would have cost!”
Critical thinking, what is it?
that must have been on BIG taco huh? LOL
“Wow, it must be nice to have all this time to sit around at home making food. I have a job so I have to eat nothing but Lean Cuisine dinners, and I don’t have time to defrost them.”
which is posted just above:
“I was kind of surprised to see that you bought your salt pre-made. It’s really not that hard to make your own from sea water, and the taste is far superior. I wish people weren’t so quick to take short cuts. If you have time to watch TV, you have time to make your own salt! Priorities!”
+1
“Why do people just buy premade flour at the store? It’s not that much work to raise your own wheat and hand-grind it into flour, and that way you know it’s organic and there’s no fillers. You can’t trust stuff at the store.”
“I can’t believe you people are eating pre-made Yahtzee dice and Sorry pieces from Parker BrothersTM. It’s not that hard to buy your own die casting, industrial dyes and liquid petroleum processing equipment, and then make your own game pieces for consumption. Boycott Big Board Games!”
“Everyone knows that Parker BrothersTM injects their dice with antibiotics, anyway. My family only eats free-range, organic game pieces, which I make at home because I care about them.”
“I whittle them while the family cloths are drying on the line in the yard.”
How DARE you bring that horrorshow up when I had just managed to purge it from my memory
One of my coworkers eats a Lean Cuisine dinner ever day at lunch and doesn’t defrost them. (Have I mentioned this before or was that on another website?) They thaw out a bit in the forenoon because she keeps them at her desk and not in the fridge, but if 12 o’clock rolls around and her food is still frozen, she digs in anyway. Even if there’s an actual layer of ice on there. One time she actually broke a tine off her plastic fork trying to stab a frozen vegetable but she ate on, undeterred.
By “defrost” do you mean “microwave”? Because you’re not supposed to let them thaw/defrost before you heat them up in the microwave, but you definitely ARE supposed to heat them up…
Yeah, by “defrosted” I meant heated up/microwaved.
I am so confused by these people’s life choices.
Was the microwave at away in another building or something?
#DEDICATION
WHAT this is actually one of the most bonkers things I have ever heard
What. EVEN?!?
I used to know a man who ate a raw, unpeeled potato every day for lunch. Like an apple.
My aunt used to eat raw onions like apples.
That actually seems more digestible to me than a raw potato! But my grandfather eats whole heads of raw garlic as a snack, so perhaps I’m biased towards alliums.
One of my co-workers used to eat whole raw onions and garlic cloves for lunch every day. We worked in customer service. It was always impressive to see how quickly the after-lunch customers realized they didn’t actually need assistance after all.
That seems like some kind of genius passive aggressive tactic honed over many years of thought/loathing of doing work after lunch.
I’m going to try that and see if enrollment in my afternoon classes drops.
Oh man. I’m getting heartburn just thinking about that.
I dated a guy once, very briefly, who ate whole bananas, peel and all, and apple cores. The banana peels still strike me as odd, the apple cores not so much (though not my thing). But every time I see a shrimp tail I think, If I were hardcore like the Japanese foreign exchange student we hosted, I would eat that. I’m not that hardcore.
Banana peels: TEXTURALLY DISPLEASING.
Good news! (?)
Now if you want to eat a banana-type thing, peel and all, the Wonka Peel-a-Pop is a Real Thing That Is Real and Also Edible (Allegedly):
“Vanilla dessert pops wrapped in banana or grape gummy peels!”
(I’m so sorry)
I keep seeing those in the store and wanting to try them. Is it food??
Allegedly? If you try it, do let us know.
It is, assuming your appetizer is Cannabis.
I love you.
Have eaten, is food! They are very small, though. I had to eat about four.
“had to”
I do not eat banana peels or apple cores, but I do like a good shrimp tail.
D:
Was he trying to “take himself out of the mood”?
http://www.larknews.com/archives/217
(I love that googling “couple no sex potato” led me straight to what I was looking for.)
I know that’s a joke article, but this could seriously 100% explain my real-life potato-eating former coworker.
(“couple no sex potato” is the greatest google ever googled.)
WHAT
you take that back, I will defend the legitimacy of this article until the day they wrest a raw potato from my cold dead hands
“couple no sex potato” has me incapacitated with laughter at my desk.
COUPLE NO SEX POTATO
It sounds like a bad menu translation out of Mandarin.
at the first powerlifting meet I ever competed in, there was a bodybuilding show at the same place/time, and only one small men’s room to share. I went in there to put on my singlet, and there was a bodybuilder guy covered in nothing but a thong and orange spray -tan; he was glaring at himself in the mirror and gnawing on a raw sweet potato. He was really intense, too. It was pretty unnerving.
How do you know it was a spray tan and not an all-natural sweet-potato-induced Glow From Within?
True, he could have just been on an all-sweet-potato diet.
You can tell; your palms and the soles of your feet turn orange first.
Or he was holding a raw potato whilst being spray-tanned, thus turning it orange?
Does nobody say anything? Does she justify this practice? That is sooooooooooooooooooo incredibly strange.
The thing is, what DO you say to someone who does this? She knows they’re meant to be heated up, and she’s certainly worked here long enough to know where the microwaves are. She just… really enjoys eating frozen noodles with cold sauce, and ice-crusted vegetables, and meatballs with the consistency of golf balls. The general attitude on behalf of the other coworkers is pretty much “*shrug*”
I will never ever ever forget the Dear Prudence letter where someone complained about a co-worker eating microwaved tuna fish and oatmeal EVERY DAY and oh my god I’m puking at the thought of it.
I started a new job once and the literally the first thing one of my co-workers told me was that the death penalty is a perfectly valid punishment for anyone that cooked *anything* with fish in the communal microwave. Sounded perfectly reasonable to me.
o.O
Does that mean everything she eats is crunchy?
D:
OMG I KNOW WHO YOU ARE FROM AAM!!!!
THOSE ARE NOT MY REAL INITIALS
Did you see this?!?! http://quickbase.intuit.com/blog/2014/09/04/10-th…
WHOOO, FAMOUS
You did mention this before, but it was on a different website. I don’t know if you want your identities linked, so I will just say that this story was *not* the most outrageous in that comment section.
askamanager maybe? i was reading on there about someone whose coworker did that, and i can only pray it was you so there’s only one person who had to witness that
I feel like I just saw this on Ask A Manager. Deja vu!
Do you happen to read the Ask a Manager blog? Because I’m pretty sure someone shared this exact story, down to the broken plastic fork, in a post about your weirdest coworkers.
Seriously, I nearly PMP when I read what you had come up with!!
Thank you everyone in this thread for the best laugh I have had in ages
Hand to God, I saw a salmon recipe last week with a comment that said “Nobody in my family likes salmon but we thought we’d try this. Not very good. Would not make again.”
I fucking hate mushrooms but I don’t go around commenting on portabello mushroom cap recipes saying “Mushrooms are gross, but I tried this, and it was also gross.”
I don’t like courgettes and aubergines (eggplants to american weirdos) so when I see a recipe that includes them I DON’T MAKE IT BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THOSE THINGS
What do these people think? That a different way of cooking the damn thing will MAGICALLY change their tastebuds?
I… I hate them so much. Aravis, I just hate them. So much.
Look, the word “eggplant” makes TOTAL sense. No question.
It does, because some early eggplants were yellow/white and looked like eggs!
Whoa, sorry. Holy eggplant, batman.
I reckon I’d still hate them,
They are awful and no one should eat them. They exist to look pretty and taste like bitter styrofoam.
Not even when covered in sauce and cheese in eggplant parm form?
It doesn’t matter how someone cooks an aubergine, it’s essential aubergine nature ruins the dish.
Seriously, they make me want to puke.
This is the god’s honest truth.
My entire family got food poisoning from eggplant parm when I was a wee Wordsnatcher and none of us will touch the stuff ever again.
It is an evil vegetable.
Not even then. My way of eating eggplant parm is to scrape the sauce and cheese off and eat it minus the gross-ass eggplant itself.
Eggplant is the only vegetable my mother will not eat, for this reason.
Pineapple, on the other hand…
j/k pineapple totally makes sense too MURICA
I like the stripey ones best. They taste just the same but they’re prettier.
That’s the same reason I buy rainbow chard, not red chard. Heck, the rainbow colors were why I started eating it in the first place. I like pretty food.
Sometimes a different preparation or using a different flavor profile will affect the way you feel about something, so I get why people are willing to try, especially if the rest of the dish is appealing. But don’t blame the recipe if you just dislike the featured ingredients! I don’t like fennel; I might be willing to try something that had fennel in it, but if I didn’t like it, I would blame the fennel, and not the recipe.
Yeah, I get that. I guess what I’m really angry about is this attitude that it isn’t their fault. They cooked a food that relied heavily on something they didn’t like. It wasn’t a small part of the recipe, but a focal point.
And it is somehow the recipe’s fault they didn’t like it, not theirs.
I think a lot of people are not very good cooks, but rather than focus on learning the fundamentals, they blame recipes when things go wrong. Or they want to be fancy/hip/cool and base their recipe choices on that, rather than on whether or not they like the flavors/ingredients and have the time/skills/equipment to follow the recipe.
I am now tempted to go read reviews on knitting/crocheting patterns and see how many people complain that things did not come out right when they subbed different materials and didn’t swatch…
“The pattern called for a fingerling weight silk/tencel blend on sz 8 needles, but I only had some bulky weight Lopi in my stash and my sz 3 circular… I thought I did the resizing calculations correctly, but it just won’t drape right, even after blocking 🙁 ”
(To be fair, we’ve all made those sorts of mistakes – although maybe not as drastic – when learning about fiber crafts.)
Also correspondingly (to food recipes) the people who are personally offended when someone posts a pattern they think is ugly/in poor taste/too experimental and they comment to let them know so.
(I like to read the comments on Stephen West patterns on Ravelry and laugh. )
I immediately knew you were talking about Westknits! I’m not sure what that says about me, except that I spend too much time on Ravelry.
I enjoy that you translated aubergines for us but not courgettes. Do the work yourselves, Americans.
(I remember in Italy all the menus that had English translations (if they did) used British words and it took us so long to learn those 2 words and rocket as well.)
wait, they aren’t courgettes in America? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
no! I just had to google it because I no idea. They’re zucchini here. Wonderful, wonderful zucchini.
And NEITHER term makes any sense, but both are delightful to say.
They both make sense, one is just French and the other is Italian! Both mean “little gourd.”
Hah! I learned a thing today! Gracias.
I always remember that courgettes and zucchini are the same because they both sound like sports cars.
oh, that’s what zucchini is!
I thought it was one of those other squashes that hadn’t really caught on here, yet (the UK doesn’t seem to really be into squashes)
Good on the UK. squashes are nasty things.
I’ve yet to have one prepared in such a way that the texture didn’t make me immediately gag. Slimy + seeds + tough outer bit? NO THANKS.
Butternut squash is about it unless you actively seek the others out. And butternut squash is the best of the squashes.
Baked acorn squash, cut in half with lots of butter and brown sugar and a little salt and rosemary.
Throw some bourbon on that sucker.
Good advice for many things.
My mother’s family recipe for zucchini involves a crapton of butter, salt, black pepper, and sugar that then carmelizes in the pan with the butter. It doesn’t solve the texture issue, but it does make them taste like wonderful sweet/ savory candy.
yes! The …kitchen manager (?) at the place that hosted my study abroad program in Italy would translate each day’s lunch & dinner into English, but use the French/British for eggplant and zucchini. She was very amused when we pointed out that we call “aubergines” “ouva piante.”
I know a place in Italy where there has been some sort of dictionary mishap and the Italian “zucchini” [same in my own language, which isn’t English] in the menu had been translated as “dwarf”.
“mishap”
There are certain things I don’t really like but will try a recipe for occasionally (LAMB) b/c it seems like they’re things I ought to like. But when I yet again discover that I just don’t really care for [thing] THAT’S ON ME. The blame is mine, not the recipe blogger’s!
Sometimes I’ll try a recipe because the picture looks amazing, and I keep hoping that if I make this food I hate JUST RIGHT, I will magically discover that I like it after all. I almost never do, but I accept that [x] and I were never meant to be, rather than blaming the recipe.
OMG? Made me LOL at work! So funny!
OMG you have me laughing so hard!
OH MY GOD!!!!! I laughed so hard and for so long, I cried when I read your post–HILARIOUS (and so unfortunately TRUE!!!!!!!)!
“My husband/in-laws/children refuse to eat onions or garlic. Will this still taste good without them?” “This recipe had an eighth of a teaspoon of cayenne and it was WAAAAAY too spicy.” If you’re not just avoiding those things for health reasons, then I don’t know how to help you.
Everything tastes better without husbands/in-laws/children.
I was waiting for someone to make this reply, bless you for being that person.
“My husband/in-laws/children refuse to eat onions or garlic. I put them anyway and they didn’t even noticed!”
They might be Jains! Quite a few subsets of Indian religions eschew garlic and onion
Also, my husband/children hated this and it’s all your fault.
Get a new family, pronto!
My stepdad doesn’t like garlic AND hates cucumbers, two foods that feature heavily in my mother’s cooking arsenal. Like…what is the point?!
How do you hate cucumbers? What’s to hate? That’s like…hating water. Or air.
They’re slimy even when they’re crunchy and have weird seeds and are somehow blandly bitter. *shudders*
I have 2 daughters. One hates cucumber and loves tomatoes and the other hates tomatoes but loves cucumber. I make tomato cucumber salad atleast once a week when they are growing. I don’t understand how they could hate either one. The girls just swap with each other lol.
They taste like green. Bleurgh.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who describes them this way! Nasty things.
Also the crunch of raw or only slightly cooked ones is horrid. Like biting into a chalkboard.
Cooked cucumbers! Who would do that!
I NO RITE!
Yes, I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered cooked cucumbers and I don’t think even I’d be a fan, despite my undying love for raw cucumbers in various applications.
Peeled, seeded and sauteed in a little butter. Cucumbers can be lovely cooked!
I hate cucumbers with a passion that seems to swell every time someone says “But WHYYY?”, and the fact that somewhere, someone on the internet agrees with me is giving me so much comfort.
My husband hates cooked tomatoes and cheese. I was completely dumbfounded about what he would eat when we vacationed in Italy.
So, you live without pizza? I’m so very sorry!
Sounds like grounds for spousal/parental divorce, if I’ve ever heard of them.
“I did not read or follow any of the directions because that is for lesser mortals and I felt I had the gist of it, recipe turned out TERRIBLE, I’m calling the police on this blog”
I’m currently imagining this 911 call and chortling A LOT
Calling the police on this blog- awesome sauce!
This comment made me laugh way too hard! X-D
… so I’m calling the police.
“I made this for DH who HATES vegetables. Normally when I make him anything that isn’t a slab of meat he simply throws his plate out the window and storms out of the house in disgust. But this time Hubby and my three teenage sons all ate it without saying anything insulting to me at all! I don’t think they even realized it had turnips in it!”
Argh. ARGH. Any comment that mentions your “DH” and his carnivorous requirements = rage.
“DH simply refuses to look directly at leafy greens, so I made this recipe, blended it up as a smoothie to fool him, along with three (3) Tbsp of rat poison. Will let you know what he thinks!”
Every reference to rat poison makes me want to sit down and watch 9 to 5 immediately.
Also any reference to S&M.
If I see one more recipe that includes “DH/DS/DD hates vegetables” or some other BASIC CATEGORY OF FOOD I will throw my computer through a window. It drives me insane for some reason, as does “Rave review from hubby!”
OK, but what about YOU? Did YOU like it? I think it’s the idea that Men are the ones we should be cooking for and why make anything if it doesn’t have a Man’s stamp of approval?
I’m apparently not a hardcore foodblog reader – what do the acronyms stand for? The best I can figure is Damned Husband??
It’s a momblog/recipe blog/inane kind of thing. I believe it’s “Dear Husband/Daughter/Son” whatever. (I also mistyped this as “Der Husband” which gives a sort of Germanic flavour to things.)
It drives me absolutely batshit.
The absolute best unnecessary acronyms come from bridal forums: BM (for bridesmaid) and STD (for save-the-date).
If you go the mommyblogs, BM can also be breastmilk, which is quite confusing.
I’ve been OPKing and got a BFP so we BD’d. Fingers x’d! USE REAL WORDS.
I have no earthly idea what this means so I’m making it up as I go.
“I’ve been Openly Proactively Kitchening and got a Butt Fucking Permit so we Buckled Down. Fingers x-rayed!”
Well you don’t want to be Passively Kitchening, otherwise your Butt Fucking Permit will never get approved!
<3 u EPWordsnatcherie!
Marry me? ILY!
I tried for about five minutes to participate in fertility forums (I’m ashamed I understood what you wrote) but I couldn’t handle it. Look, people, my fucking ovaries aren’t behaving and I thought you could help, but clearly you’re too busy inventing a language and euphemizing sex (You’re trying to have kids. The jig is up. We know you’re fucking.).
Oh god, the Baby Dancing thing. I can’t believe this horrible phrase hasn’t singlehandedly eliminated all sex everywhere.
WHAT it’s ‘baby dancing’???! Vomit for infinity. I’d been wondering what that stood for for ages and ew that’s the worst.
And FTM is first-time-mom. But I assumed Female to Male (trans* person) and got very confused as to why that was relevant to your concerns about your uterine pain.
Oh… things on mommy blogs just became much clearer to me.
I think it could also be used as Full-Time Mom (as opposed to a working mom? IDK) and I am just constantly confused.
But I must say that after Nicole introduced us to the DWIL boards, I – a single woman with no kids – am completely entranced by the world of baby-havers. THERE IS JUST SO MUCH SECOND-HAND DRAMA! I curate my life carefully to avoid drama wherever possible, so those boards are free entertainment.
STD seems like a REALLY awkward acronym to go throwing around.
especially at a wedding!
If you’re short on postage, you can just ask your fiance to give his groomsmen their STDs personally!
I prefer to be informed of an STD personally – the mail seems so clinical
In Canada the term preferred by professionals (at least in our area) is STI, for infection. This makes the nomenclature of a certain subset of Subarus oddly accurate.
Oh. That is weird and unnecessary. :-/ I don’t think it quite beats out “hubby” in the setting-my-teeth-on-edge Olympics though.
But is hubby worse than husby? This is something I can never decide when I’m trying to figure who on fbook I want to strangle first.
“husby?”
oh god
I am about 98% a fbook crank so I may be skewed on this, but I feel like husby might be objectively the worst word ever used to describe a significant other.
This is accurate. I checked it, with science. Used test tubes and everything.
Husby sounds like a little creepy animatronic toy that says things like “Whatever you say, dear” and “I’m going to mow the lawn now.”
*screaming forever*
OH MY GODDDDD
Is… is that a camera in its forehead?
Nah, husbro, it’s an “infrared port”!
“Furbies can communicate with one another via an infrared port located between their eyes. Furbies start out speaking entirely Furbish, a language with short words, simple syllables, and various other sounds. They are programmed, however, to speak less and less Furbish and more and more English as they “grow”.
I’m really not sure if that’s better or worse.
Can’t…stop…laughing…(partly in terror)
OH MY GOD
KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I have a friend who calls her husband her huzfriend and I’m charmed. I might be in the minority on that one, though.
I don’t mind huzfriend, I think. Probably because it’s not nearly so cutesy as the hub- or husby options.
UGH, I’ve thought and typed the word husby too many times today. Now I have to go sit in the corner and think about what I’ve done.
I didn’t think “husby” was a real thing! “Hubby” grosses me out and I sometimes tease my husband that we should start making “husby” happen but turns out I didn’t make it up! And there are people who use it seriously! I need to begin drinking heavily.
I read an article once, years ago, maybe in Good Housekeeping? it seems awfully salacious for GH, but it was about people who married their relatives and one woman they interviewed called her spouse her “cusband” (cousin husband). I still find this unsettling.
“Husbro”
LOVE THIS.
“Husbrah”
“Brosband”?
I think they make Transformers and My Little Pony.
I listen to a lot of Savage Love and now I can’t say husband normally. It always comes out like when Dan says “My Husband”. I also sometimes use the creepy pronunciation from a baptist wedding I attended where the first syllable rhymed with wuss.
I have a friend who refers to her ex as “wasband” which I thought was pretty clever.
The rest…. no. Just, no.
What, to differentiate from husbands who are enemies? Acquaintances?
For some reason this one is okay. Possibly the z has a lot to do with it?
I’m partial to husbeast.
I’m partial to husbutt, because I am actually a child.
I didn’t realize that was a thing and my world is measurably worse now for it.
I’m extremely sorry.
On the other hand, it hasn’t yet made its way to the OED, so maybe it’s one of those things that will quietly die once we figure out how to send murdergrams through fbook.
Saw a message this morning that referenced “the Hubs” and I just shut my laptop and walked away. JFC.
I know someone that calls herself and her husband “hubband and wifey” every time and it drives me absolutely batty.
I just gagged a bit reading that.
I’ve been reading this entire thread up to here out loud to my husband (starting with the explanation of “DH”) and pretty much dying of laughter. No really, I have a cold and laughing makes me cough uncontrollably.
Anyway, thank you all for the joy you have just infused into my life through this discussion. Also, I asked my husband if he minds me calling/referring to him as my “hubby,” and he, fortunately, does not mind. Sticking with it.
“Husby,” on the other hand, will forevermore bring to mind the image of the Furby in a tie. I regret acquiring the knowledge that such a word even exists. Shudder!
That’s disgusting. That’s worse than my sister and brother-in-law, who used to refer to each other in public as “Muffy” and “Buffy.”
okay actually i love that. i would flip my collar and tie a sweater around my waist for that.
The german version of this is Göga, short for “Göttergatte” , which translates to “Husband of the Gods”. Just reading those four letters in that order makes me think of my classmates mums in primary school who didn’t work and tried to scold my mother for having a job and not catering to all my father’s needs as soon as he thought about them. *shudders*
Close. It’s “Dear Husband” (or “Darling Husband”).
Now I kind of want to start using “DH.” But only when I’m angry, so I can snicker under my breath.
The worst part is I have a super cute t-shirt that a friend who lives in the Netherlands gave me that says “I (heart) DH” that is referring to “Den Haag,” or The Hague, where she lives. But I can’t wear it because I live in terror someone will think I’m actually wearing a damn t-shirt proclaiming my wifely devotion in horrible internet slang.
A few years ago my parents invited some friends and their children over for food and were told “None of us like vegetables”. My parents served some vegetables anyway (just things like carrots and peas) alongside chicken and jacket potatoes, and they were just left, even by the adults. How do you not eat vegetables? The thought of just eating meat and carbohydrates sounds so unpleasant.
When staying with my (vegetarian) boyfriend’s brother and sister-in-law, his sister-in-law made a real effort to make nice meat-free meals. One evening we had vegetarian shepherd’s pie. Boyfriend’s brother: “This is great! There’s only one thing that would make it better: half a kilo of mince.” His wife gave him a deserved death glare.
I once made a chicken pie for my son and his new girlfriend, and just before we sat down to eat it, she said, “I suppose I should mention that I’m vegan.”
YES also “My husband refuses to believe that soup can be a main dish. He requires a meat, a vegetable, and a starch. Even though this delicious-looking soup recipe contains all three of those things, I guess I won’t be making it…sigh…”
side note: I’m a soup enthusiast.
SOUP IS JUST HOT WET FOOD.
DELICIOUS HOT WET FOOD.
and tea is just hot dirty leaf water.
DELICIOUS HOT DIRTY LEAF WATER
I want to form a band just so I can name it Hot Dirty Leaf Water.
How could a member of my own family say something so horrible! (…I assume that’s what you’re referencing?)
I think the original was “hot leaf juice” and I nearly gasped at Zuko when he said that. For shame.
I could eat soup for every single meal. Multiple soups, even. My starter husband never wanted it because he said eating it made him hot (which, whatever, but at least it wasn’t “soup’s not FOOD”). Now I have a bf who frequently invents his own soups out of things he finds in the cupboards and everything is superior in every way (obviously attributable to the soup).
+1 for “starter husband”
I adore soup. One of my coworkers drifted by my desk yesterday while I was eating and said “Soup a lot for you lately, huh?” My response: “Well, not LATELY, more like ALWAYS…” It’s constantly about 60 degrees in my office (I am in hot sweaty NYC and currently in long pants and a fleece sweatshirt) so any hot liquidy meal is a boon from the gods.
True story–Years ago, my friend’s girlfriend spent a day making soup from scratch. When he came home, she said “I made you soup!” and he said “Soup? Soup is for sick people!?” I sometimes feel that way about soup, too.
Oh these are the worst comments of all time. “I tried to make this [recipe with a vegetable in it] for the hubby and he pulled a blanket over his head and cried cried cried. I guess it’s meat next time!”
THESE ARE THE WORST.
I lived with a boyfriend a few years ago who ate like a toddler – hated vegetables, spices, anything that was not bland meat with lightly salted something. I am a vegetarian with the palette of a normal adult human.
He cooked his own damn boring food.
I felt guilt about eating nice food while my boyfriend had Wendy’s in his room when he and I lived together (he’s an ex now), and so I made a lot of pizza so I could at least put vegetables on my half. I realized after he moved out that I hadn’t chopped an onion in almost a year, and I made every recipe that I’d been avoiding because it had “poison” in it.
He seriously made the 4-year old “ick” face when confronted with, like, beets.
In his defense, beets are Satan’s vegetable.
That’s insulting to toddlers. My nephew eats everything. Literally, everything. One time we were having enchiladas so we shared with him and the jalapenos didn’t even faze him. He’s a champ.
I found this in the historical culinary reference section of my library. It has an entire section entitled Vegetables Cooked So that Men Won’t Hate Them.
My god, and all along I thought DH means Deathly Hallows.
Ok, nerdy self creeping away now.
You have TOUCHED A NERVE. “Hubs doesn’t like anything spicy, or anything with vegetables, or anything that is not a well-done New York strip steak with a baked potato marinated in eight sticks of butter, so I subbed out the ravioli for a steak, and the pesto sauce for a potato. He LOVED it! My 32-year-old son who lives in my basement also really liked it. This one’s a winner!!!”
i maybe only thirten years old but even i appreciate real food like this. other kids at schoolare so into arugula and willted greens and they dosn’t even herd aboutthe real classics well what about trout amandine hhuh?they dont know brown butter from diharea
This article is perfect, and its content is a long-running joke among my friends (i.e., finding idiotic recipe comments and sending them to each other). Of course it occurs to me now that everyone thinks these comments are ridiculous, but it’s great when someone thinks a minor thing is as hilarious as you think it is, and even better when someone as talented as Mallory skewers it so perfectly. I love that the Toast manages to hit that note so often – I frequently find myself clicking on pieces with a “you, too?!” smile of recognition.
I literally fell off the couch laughing at ‘Yahtzee dice.”
For a while I was trying to make seitan at home– it’s a meat substitute made from wheat gluten. And every recipe on the internet has at least one really whiny “Why can’t you write a gluten-free version!!!” comment.
“This steak has too much much meat in it.”
“Can you make this butter-based frosting less fatty?”
“My homemade Yahtzee dice have a weird mouthfeel.”
You totally win the internet today with this comment!
“I live in (non-US country) and (ingredient) DOES NOT EXIST. Please advise substitution.”
You are on a computer with the internet, I guarantee you that if you google “garbanzo,” “molasses,” or “confectioner’s sugar” you will find the answer to this in the first three results.
Ugh YES and the one person who’s always “I don’t have fresh rosemary, so can I substitute dried rosemary? How much should I use?” a. yes you can, and b. LOOK IT UP
One time I DID have fresh rosemary, so I substituted the same amount as the dried rosemary the recipe called for and it was the ROSEMARY APOCALYPSE.
You learn by doing, I suppose.
I hate the sticks so I fine ground the rosemary and mixed the called for amount into the roasted potatoes. I can’t eat rosemary anymore! I truly understand the rosemary apocalypse.
I lied earlier. Maybe I want to name my hypothetical future band Rosemary Apocalypse.
On an additional note, I want to laugh every time I see “Great snacks for game day!” or whatever because game day is the exact opposite of the day I want to spend slaving in the kitchen or keeping a timer on. NO. You know what “Game Day” food is? DELIVERY PIZZA. Takeout wings.
This is because as the Woman I’m supposed to be fussing in the kitchen while Men watch sports, is it not? Oh, I see it now. Unfortunately it is still complete crap, because in my experience people watching a big game will gladly eat the plastic off a container of sour cream without even noticing, let alone “Gourmet 13-Layer Bean Dip with Homemade Tortilla Chips” or what the fuck ever.
I felt super-bloated after the Djokovic/Murray US Open quarterfinal last night, and realized it was because I’d eaten the sofa.
Making all kinds of jokes in my head about the couch being overstuffed and giggling.
::throws self away::
GAME DAY IS CROCK POT DAY.
Put all your savory condiments in your crock pot with 6 bricks of cream cheese. Eat on crackers.
PATENT IT.
Or by putting your hands directly in the pot. Napkins optional.
I like game day recipes, but only ones that are of the ‘how many cheeses and meats can we throw into this dip’ variety.
*heartily shakes your hand* I like the way you think!
IT IS GAME DAY TODAY AND PIZZA AND WINGS WILL BE ORDERED!!!!!
Ugh, 5:30 won’t get here fast enough.
IT IS INDEED GAME DAY TODAY, as I have been reminded literally since walking out my door (but also go Hawks!)
Soooooo many people already walking down to Pioneer Square in all their gear to wait in line to see Pharrell and Soundgarden pregame concert.
At least half the people on my bus this morning had some kind of Seahawks something on*
*…which is actually not all that different from how it’s been since the Superbowl
Conflict here in Madtown, as non-native UW fans who loved Wilson with the Badgers warily circle the native Wisconsinites who are die-hard Packers fans.
I like to whip up feta-tomato dip. Because it takes five minutes to make (and that’s if you cut grape tomatoes in half and DON’T buy pre-crumbled feta) and it’s suuuuuuuuuuper tasty.
“Does anyone know if you can make this ahead of time and freeze it?”
YES. YOU CAN FREEZE EVERYTHING. FREEZING IS MAGICAL. ALSO GOOGLE.
AM I ABLE TO OPEN THE FREEZER DOOR AND PLACE THIS INSIDE OF THE FREEZER?
I don’t know, are you?
“does anyone know if I can send a message to myself in the future to cook this recipe, freeze it, and send it backwards through the past so that I can have it frozen and ready to thaw today??? i’m a busy mom so this would be soooooooooooo helpful god bless”
The only thing missing is the obligatory accidentally-posted-on-the-wrong blog political screed.
Only Hitler uses margarine!
NOBAMA HAS RUINED THIS COUNTRY! LOOK AT HOW MUCH KALE IS IN THIS REICPEE!!!!
“I’d really like to make this recipe, but the ingredients have gotten so expensive now because of Obamacare.”
“I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible.”
[★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ]
37433 Cooking Buffs found this review helpful
Gotta love peoples who give a scathing review in text but who gives the recipe 4 or 5 stars out of 5… Their cat must have rated it or something
You forgot the one where [commenter] describes how much someone else liked it, even if they themselves hated it. Every time.
“I made this even though I’m allergic to [ingredient]. I wore a face mask and rubber gloves so it was fine! Hubby really enjoyed it!”
Also I am silently crying for the fictional boys who have never seen a dessert and think walnut-and-turnip salad is “cake. In my head they are Rod and Tod Flanders.
Oh my god they totally are. Run, boys! Run for the bakery!
“Sorry, no yay.”
I kind of love the idea of convincing small children they are eating something completely different than what they are actually eating. A friend’s kid has decided he only likes moose meat, so they tell him any kind of meat they serve him is moose. My parents did the same to me as a kid when I decided I only wanted to eat broccoli.
Any kind of meat they served you was broccoli?
Since I was apparently easily convinced that cucumbers were broccoli, they probably could have convinced me roast beef was broccoli too.
When my husband was a small child he decided that he didn’t like mushrooms, so his mom just started calling it “white stuff” in all her recipes. We now eat “chicken with white stuff” on a semi-regular basis.
My mom’s grandmother called squash, “simlins” because she thought “squash” was an unappealing sounding word.
I like her a lot.
My mother occasionally makes slop, glop, and barf burgundy. Or “Mexican” lasagna, turkey-rice casserole, and beef burgundy, respectively.
We also refer to any diet cola as “He Who.” As in, “He who drink last Diet Coke must put new in fridge.”
My dad made once a month leftover soup called Goop. It was, quite literally, every single leftover from the fridge, right down to the custard cup of fruit cocktail and half chicken gizzard (no bit of leftover food was ever thrown away). To this day, my brother and I will not touch leftover food, not even the good kind.
My older sister was convinced crackers were cookies for quite some time. She would ask for a cookie, my parents would give her a cracker. Devious.
Several years ago I requested my mom make some of her apple muffins, as we hadn’t had them in so long….
She blinked blankly and said…”apple muffins? I never made them”
Me, “yes! They’re cinnamony and yellowy…so good.”
Mom/Satan: “oh the squash muffins”
Me: SQUASH?!
I made zucchini chocolate chip cookies for some friends’ kids once. They never noticed and I never told.
Zucchini chocolate cake was the first cake I ever tried as a kid, and I loved it. No one ever felt the need to lie to me about what was in it, though, because I was raised by hippies with amazing gardening skills and I would never dream of turning down a vegetable.
My brother as a kid hated onions, so my mom told him that Onion Rings were deep-fried chicken bits. He never questioned why delicious battered chicken would be called Onion Rings.
I saw through my mom’s lie from the start.
My husband hated onions as a child, so his mother told him that McDonalds put celery on their burgers.
My parents just brainwashed us into being really, really excited about certain vegetables. I still get excited when artichokes are in season. And asparagus. And mostly beets (some CSA burnout on that front, though. Beets are not exciting for an entire fall/ winter).
This can totally backfire on you, though. My parents served my sister and me a swordfish steak and told us it was chicken because we said we didn’t like swordfish. It was, they agreed, a really bad swordfish steak, and as a result I wouldn’t eat chicken (pretty much the only meat I’d touch) for months. Really shot themselves in the foot with that one.
When I was about five I had a phase where I insisted on eating eggs for every meal, until my mother told me that if I ate more than two eggs a day I could get really sick and die. I didn’t figure out that this was a total lie until I was 22.
I remember being really torn about Gaston’s eating habits because HE COULD TOTALLY DIE. But also, he got Belle’s book all muddy, so, you know. Priorities.
I vaguely considered going vegetarian when I was six, so my parents swapped out my turkey hot dogs for soy dogs without telling me. I have never touched a hot dog since, and I’m left with a vague prejudice towards vegetarians too.
I feel so bad for the real-life iterations of these children who, from what I can gather on food and parenting blogs, are real and legion.
“Little Timmy loves his carob potato pops!”
OF COURSE HE DOES, HE HAS NEVER HAD REAL CHOCOLATE OR PUDDING OR BUTTER IN HIS LIFE. Little Timmy has no idea of the beauty that exists in the world. Little Timmy leads a sad, sheltered, terrible life filled with inferior food products.
My feelings about lying to children about what is in their food are very, very strong (I’ll hold forth if anyone wants to hear but no one does). Strong to the point that when my two-year-old vegetarian asks me what the veggie bacon on her plate is, I say, “It’s bacon! Well, okay, it’s wheat gluten and lentils and spices and liquid smoke, but it basically tastes like bacon. Basically. Not really. But it’s good. See, vegetarian food is always best when it doesn’t try to pretend to be meat…” By then, she has eaten her veggie bacon, asked for more, and is probably mentally outlining the first chapter of her memoir, “Raised by College Town-Dwelling Aging Hipsters: My Escape.”
Totally agree on both lying to your kids and vegetarian food pretending to be meat.
There was an write for thekitchn who for a while was documenting her quest to make her daughter sugarless birthday cakes. For her first birthday they served a wheel of cheese (?) and for her second or third she made some sort of “Red Velvet” beet loaf with goat cheese frosting. FOR HER CHILD’S BIRTHDAY. A CHILD SHE CLAIMED TO LOVE. She did this in public at large gatherings. I have never felt such horror for a child in my life.
D: D: D:
BEET.
LOAF.
initially read this as “Red Velvet Beef Loaf”
I substituted meats for beets and it tasted amazing
Isn’t that just steak tartare?
Ugh, I’ll see myself out (to the bathroom)
“The cream cheese is pasteurized! Where are you going, Husbro?”
I misread it as “Red Velvet Meat Loaf” and got more or less the same image.
To be fair… that’s not *worse*
I just made the D: face in real life.
One of my friends growing up had parents that were apparently ahead of their time with this crap. She wasn’t allowed sweets at all and only ate whole grain everything.
She used to come to my house and ask my mom if she could have a slice of white bread, plain, and eat it like forbidden cake.
I know kids like this. They think fruit is the biggest treat in the world. Whenever I see them I want to sneak them Ho-Hos and Ring-Dings.
Dooo it. Regret nothing.
See, I thought “sneak you a Ho-Ho” was something else entirely
No Ho-Hos in the Great White North? Man, you guys are missing out.
I have met these people and can confirm that they make you know what the serpent in Eden felt
“Hey kids, nachos! Flanders-style! That’s cucumber and cottage cheese!”
Today I learned that I get extremely emotional about stupid recipe comments.
It’s okay, me too. Apparently many things in this world grate on my but nothing so much as stupid recipe comments.
There is something about the combination of self-righteousness and lack of creativity that gives me shudders of rage.
“lol needs more bacon” –groundbreaking comedians on Buzzfeed roundups of healthy recipes
this is the worst thing about allrecipes, actually “This meatloaf was great! I just only changed all of the ingredients to something else and it was a delicious banana cake!
Allrecipes has hilarious commentary from the recipe writers too, like the nice middle-aged lady who wrote “don’t let the ‘lentil’ ingredient scare you.”
Mr Ipomoea works at Allrecipes and this is an ongoing joke– the person who takes some sort of perfectly ridiculous dessert and then subs in chia, flax, coconut oil, and then complains that it tastes bad.
YES. And then the unaltered recipe is terrible.
EXACTLY! I don’t even bother going there for recipes anymore because all the reviews are like, ” This recipe is awesome/terrible. I changed literally every ingredient in it, and it turned out wonderfully/horribly! Will definitely/will NEVER make again.”
I didn’t read this article, but found another on GQ.com about the future of ice cream. I can’t eat cold foods due to sensitive teeth.
2/10
i have nothing to improve this, I’m ugly-crying-laughing over this post probably because of dating a vegan for a year that time, the tears are running down my face.
The woman who says the recipe looks pretty good, then says, “This is how I’ve been making it for years, never had a complaint at the church potluck!” posts her entire personal recipe and signs it, “–Deb Lewis, Kansas City Grams” within the comment.
An extra ten points if it has italian seasoning in it.
Deb Lewis is a drunk and her husband Ralph groped Pastor Russel’s wife last year at the Fun Run.
You know they haven’t shared a bed in two years. I’ve heard she wants a divorce but doesn’t want to risk losing her cookie jar collection. That’s why she drinks so much.
Deb Lewis is going to get her back though. She just took over as chair of the local Red Hat society, and even if she has to rule every get together like tyrant that bitch Pastor’s wife is going PAY.
There’s a woman (I think) who invaribly comments on the meatiest Guardian recipes with a link to her blog and her vegetarian version. She may be the person I hate most who I haven’t met.
All so depressingly true.
“This wasn’t bad, but it’s not very authentic because I have had really authentic [food of this genre] and it ALWAYS has [extremely expensive ingredient] or else it’s not really real [food item]”
Is there one of these/ can we have one of these for Yelp reviews? “My server was a teenager and his lip was pierced, two stars.”
“The restaurant was cold and there was a crying baby, would not return, one and one half stars.”
“The food was alright and the atmosphere was bland, but I;m giving three stars because I;m from New York, so I’m used to a New York dining experience.” Profile mostly consists of reviews of various Potbelly and Chipotle stores.
Around here there’s a lot of “This is just okay, if you want real Thai food you should just go to Boston” (which is two+ hours away)
Ah yes, Boston! The Ancestral Home of Thai food!
“The restaurant was closed when I got there; two stars.” Read several of those just yesterday…
Okay I may have done this once, except I gave it one star for not being open when its website AND the sign on the door said it would be (at a perfectly reasonable time) after I’d traveled an hour to get there. And then I revised the review once I’d actually managed to attend.
Well, okay that yes, but “How can this restaurant not be open on Mondays when I AM HERE” is the more usual tone. And I am mystified at the two stars for closed restaurants – “Well, they made a fair effort because the building existed,” I suppose.
Well at least the food didn’t make them sick
I know people like this exist because when I waited tables at this one restaurant people would show up at approximately 9:30 am and complain that they couldn’t get in for the soup and salad lunch special. It was like they are outside, why wouldn’t we be open? See also people who come in and say “Oh I love your chicken parm, but I always replace the chicken with beef and the tomato sauce with mushrooms and the pasta with potatoes.” And if you explain that that is the steak dinner they get so angry. The customer is always right even if they have lost touch with reality or possibly don’t understand how to read.
Those people are the WORST. And then you’re in the dilemma of, “Do I put in the chicken dinner with a million changes, so the kitchen hates me (and I can’t blame them), or do I put in the steak dinner with maybe *one* change, knowing that when the bill arrives the customer will yell about how THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY ORDERED?” Working in restaurants made me hate people.
My favorite Yelp reviews of all time were of a barbeque restaurant in a VERY small town. The average was 4 stars, but all I saw were 5 stars – “Best bbq of all time!!” etc. I finally found the one star review that was dragging down the average: “I think this place burned down?”
We passed the address, and sure enough, it had. Thanks, Yelp!
Oh god, someone please write something with yelp reviews. The five-paragraph essays about how a waiter gave you a funny look and they were out of the beer you wanted and you have NEVER been so disrespected in your LIFE.
“I asked for an unreasonable accommodation VERY POLITELY and the server YELLED at me!!”
Oh, yeah, a Yelp review one would be great. The one I see all the time on highly rated restaurants is the bad review that sticks out–and it always seems to start “we came here because we had a Groupon…”
I also love the ones that (like the yak comment) try to judge “authentic.” Like “this isn’t very authentic Mexican food because they don’t even have nachos.”
May I recommend Buzzfeed’s “21 Terrible Yelp Reviews Of The Fanciest Restaurants In America”? I know, Buzzfeed, sigh. My favorite is #19, the woman who’s really mad at Jean-Georges because her mother walked into the glass door.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelysanders/mean-yelp-…
I fear if someone tried to this for Yelp reviews of “ethnic” restaurants that person would spontaneously combust with rage before the piece was written.
If it weren’t for Yelp reviews, I’d think I actually like the food at restaurants I like. Now I know they’re actually terrible, but so famous I just think I like them. Thanks Yelp!
I had expectations that the staff would wipe my ass for me. Annoying that you can’t give zero stars so I GUESS one star but really, zero stars.
A real Yelp review I read was something along the lines of “Yak is a staple food in Nepal, and no self-respecting Himalayan restaurant doesn’t have yak on the menu. The food’s fine, I guess, but I will never be back because this does not represent true Himalayan food. One star.”
“Atmosphere is ok, sushi is not the best but decent. I only go here because it’s the only sushi spot in the neighborhood – 3 stars” – yelp review of a sushi restaurant in an area that I call “Sushi Street” because it literally has eight (or more) cheap sushi restaurants within a few feet of each other, and one dive bar with a sign that reads “NO SUSHI”. I did not understand. How did she miss the other seven places? I know for fact there is one to the left, the right, and immediately across the street from the one she felt “meh” about.
“I used to eat this every day during my study abroad program in [European country]! I’m so glad I finally found an authentic recipe!”
Steppin’ on my toes here, grrl (j/k, I never comment anywhere but The Toast, ever, but I’ve thought this before.)
Right, but you would never comment for the secret purpose of humblebragging your ~international cultural exchange~ experiences!
Oh, I think I’ve written that one. To be fair, I have lived in Europe my entire life, so that’s less fancy than it sounds.
Stand aside, everyone: I’ve LIVED INTERNATIONALLY!
Ooo, an authentic recipe for yogurt and that crunchy muesli I buy in a bag…
MALLORY
I am dying over this.
Mr Ipomoea works at Allrecipes and these comments are the bane of the editors’ existence.
“I added seven pounds of cheese, deep fried it in lard, and sprinkled powered sugar on top. Normally my family hates chicken breasts, but it looks like SOMEONE’S found a low-fat recipe to please everyone!”
I’m actually a supertaster, and licking the salt off saltines would burn my tongue out very quickly, so I substituted that line of this article with “Na na na na na na na na na.” It didn’t make any sense and tasted terrible!
I read a food blog where her main focuses are are fermented food and the use of pastured animal products and traditional fats. The most entertaining comments are the many MANY “this would be better without the dead bodies of murdered animals”, “OMG ewwww lard” and right wing nutjobs terrified about GMOs who refuse to believe there is no such thing as a GMO cow. Are these people lost or something?
What blog is this? It sounds fascinating!
It’s called Nourished Kitchen. I mostly ignore any mentions of health effects, because I think they’re usually bullshit, but she’s pretty good about not talking about those too much. The comments on the associated Facebook page are pure comedy, though.
Gnowfglins.com is also a great traditional-food prep and it oddly gets a ton of “eww, gross” comments and they baffle me every time!
I think that would be the liberal hippies fighting the GMO battles 😉
I think it’s both sides, quite frankly. GMOs suck ass no matter who you are. Not because they’re that dangerous, but because companies own the rights to the food.
I’m guessing a lot of people end up on recipes not because they visit the blog but because they googled something and ended up there without context. Actually, that’s probably the reason for a lot of these comments – people’s sense of entitlement coming from having a specific need – googling – ending up somewhere without a sense of what that place is.
As soon as I read the first line I knew it would be Nourished Kitchen!
That logic is actually pretty straightforward. GMO-ness (or the inherent badness of GMO) is transferred by eating. All corn is GMO (very nearly true). Cows eat GMO corn: now cows are GMO cows. Human eats GMO cows, now humans are GMO. See?
I thought about trying this recipe but it looked complicated so I just ordered Jimmy John’s. Result was a solid B- and tasted like a sandwich.
Estimated prep time was a bit high.
I was all out of oil, so I substituted salt. And I was all out of chicken, so I substituted salt. And I was all out of tomatoes, so I substituted salt. And I’m trying to cut down on dairy, so I substituted salt.
ZERO/10 for this recipe.
Too salty.
Oh gawd, this cracked me up big time, thanks!
That was amazing.
This is the one that made me laugh out loud.
The substitutions. My boyfriend is the worst at substitutions. He won’t sub white chocolate chips (which he likes) for chocolate chocolate chips (which he hates) if the recipe calls for chocolate chocolate chips. Yet he has no problem swapping cornstarch for corn meal!
I do not understand your person’s thought process.
Swapping cornstarch for corn meal is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard.
First off, I want to say that I hate cooking! One night I was flipping through the TV and saw Sandra Lee’s show on and she was making this burger, and I thought, that looks really easy!
I went to the store after work the next day and bought everything I needed. This recipe was the easiest and fastest thing I’ve ever made, and it tasted amazing!!!!! My two year old who only likes mac and cheese loved this burger!!! I now watch Sandra Lee everyday and can’t wait to try her recipes!!
You guys every comment on any Sandra Lee recipe on Food Network is pure fucking gold.
OMG. I just went to the Sandra Lee Food Network site and it is PURE GOLD. I’m reading the comments on a recipe for steak with mushrooms and at least 99% of the commenters omitted the mushrooms.
Bahaha and now the Jambalaya recipe where everyone omitted the cayenne pepper but it was still too spicy. I’m never reading anything but this ever again.
I love her tablescapes (okay, I love going “wow, who puts all that crap on a table? No wonder you need a drink!). And the cocktails. Which are always inexplicable. And the cakes. Oh, the cakes. Really that show is the best. Especially the Halloween episodes.
Food Network Humor refers to her as “Aunt Drunky.”
I’ve never seen her but I like the idea of “semihomemade” food in theory and practice. Want a corollary show called “Semihomosexual,” which, who knows? Maybe someday.
Oh man, she is ridiculous. This is a prime example.
Also that comment above was directly copied and pasted from her bacon turkey burgers with maple sauce recipe (or something like that).
1. Mortified that I didn’t know, and 2. A little freaked out that the link was to exactly what I’m making for dinner tonight. Maybe I’m responsible for this whole trend in comments and I’m just leaving them in my sleep?!
My sister and I have been kicking around the idea of a Sandra Lee Ultimate Cocktail Challenge, which would basically be a normal drinking game for a campy movie/show but with Sandra Lee cocktails. The reason it is Ultimate is because your ultimate goal is to stay alive.
What kind of tablescape are you planning?
Vomit everywhere, I’m assuming.
With a nice tablecloth that is actually a scrap of fabric you found in the discount bin.
I glory in Sandra Lee’s complete weirdness, and her ability to be enthusiastic about the leftover syrup from a can of peaches. I’m pretty sure she’s the living embodiment of the phrase “You do you.”
My personal favourite is one from a ‘Tanner’s Mom’ on the Food Network Website.
“YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN’ ME !!!! Duck with CHOCOLATE ?!?!?!?! I can’t say that I’ve MADE this recipe – I was just looking.Almost ALL of Mario’s recipes are too weird for me !!!!! I’ll stick w / Rachael , Paula & Ina , thank you very much!!!”
My mom does not have a kid named Tanner, but she might as well be Tanner’s Mom. Especially with the random words in caps– I have a running list of all-caps words she’s used in my Facebook comments. (Today’s word is PUMPKIN.)
Oh my god, I must make that list for my own mom.
Tanner’s Mom, nooooooooo.
Side note: thumbs down to anyone whose username suggests an identity that doesn’t exist beyond her husband/children.
This kind of self-identification always makes me sad. Also when moms use their kids’ pictures as their own on social media. Guess she doesn’t exist anymore as a person?
Also couples profiles on social media. This makes me sad. For both people. They don’t have separate identities.
I get unreasonably enraged when I see that people share an email address – like, unless it’s your cute old grandparents who mostly just want to get pictures of their grandkids, GET ANOTHER ADDRESS THERE ARE LITERALLY INFINITE COMBINATIONS OF LETTERS AND NUMBERS AND EMAIL CLIENTS AVAILABLE.
Does that also apply if your profile picture is your cat? Asking for a friend…
I once saw someone on Linked In who listed their job as “Jason’s Wifey”.
So I know someone, (and am terrified of this woman somehow seeing this) who’s email address is “imhis[herfirstname]” I’m His [Her Name]. Like, seriously, THAT’S your identity? Your husband’s ownership of you? It freaks me out.
the ones that kill me are the ones where they are like “for this chicken Parmesan recipe, I substituted, beef for the chicken, mushrooms for the tomatoes, and sour cream for the Parmesan and it did not taste the way I expected it to. can someone tell me what I did wrong?” BITCH YOU JUST MADE BEEF STROGANOFF FROM A CHICKEN PARM RECIPE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
I swear, your comment is the only one I actually laughed at. That was hilarious!
LMAO. It’s so true. How can you expect that to taste the same when you changed EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
What a hoot, Mallory! My readership must be a superior sort — I rarely get this sort of comment! But I see this all the time when I’m commenting on other blogs — *what* are they thinking?!
LOVED this article. My kids really ate it up (and they don’t know it’s good for them!!). Teensy edit I wanted to make. When I read it backwards I found the comedy REALLY worked better. ALSO, I replaced all of the “I”s with a wingdings character. Added that little bit of whimsy I found it was missing on first read-through. Finally, I put “www.allrecipes.com” in the url bar and just read recipes for 30 minutes instead of this comedy piece. It was half the flavor with a quarter of the satire!
-N
~*God Bless + Keep U*~
Everyone’s read the recipe for ice cubes, right? It’s got over 1000 reviews, they are a GREAT laugh.
“Oh man, so happy to have this recipe! My grandma died and took the recipe with her. You are a life saver!!” That reviewer has been my favorite soul on our fair planet for the past 4 years.
When I need a laugh I go and read them again. Just perfection.
“If you don’t use organic/fairtrade/grassfed/ [ingredient] you are supporting a [ negative adjective] industry and have no soul!!!”
– and it will give you cancer.
Hahaha recipe comment sections are really proof that most people are…pretty dumb.
I didn’t realize how much I needed a safe space to discuss hurtful recipe comments until now. I feel like I’m cradled in the warm embrace of my fellow recipe-blog readers.
I feel so bad for the poor kids who are clearly trying to teach themselves to cook via blogs. “I don’t have any powdered sugar. Can I use pancake syrup in this frosting recipe instead?” Oh honey no.
I was that kid! That kind of imagination and the resultant train wrecks/learning opportunities helped me when I later developed a spectacular adult-onset food allergy.
I’ve only seen this one once: ”Good recipe, but it made too many cookies. After I had put them on the cookie sheet to bake, I didn’t know what to do with the rest of the dough.”
If only we all had such problems.
This was an IRL comment, but I think it’s germane because it evokes that sadness about people who haven’t learned to cook. Overheard in the library, woman to other woman: “He’s been hanging out at the neighbour’s lately, and the mom made cookies last week and again this week. So he asked me, ‘Mom, can you make some cookies?’ Me!!! Make cookies!!! Can you imagine?”
Spoken, apparently by a person who sincerely believes that people are either born with cookie-making parts or not.
OK, but wait, I only have Electronic Hand-Held Yachtzee. If I make that recipe with @diceisnice’s substitutions plus my own it looks kind of like a grilled cheese but mostly just tastes like…melting.
The comments about how this is not a gluten free recipe because… are the ones that really get on my nerves. I used everything gluten free to create the dang recipe, but for whatever reason the person making the comment thinks that butter or eggs are made of gluten so the must comment to tell me.
Those people are the reason why marshmallow fluff now says “gluten free!” on it, even though its only ingredients are Sugar, Other Sugar, and Eggs.
I saw a package of baking soda that claimed to be “Gluten Free” the other day.
I have seen bottled water that says “Gluten Free.”
I have also seen shampoo advertised as “Gluten Free” and I was just… nope.
I found cat food that had “gluten free” on the package. Because of the celiac epidemic in cats I assume.
I ran into someone who said that a person with a milk allergy wouldn’t touch mayo with her bare hands to put it in someone else’s HAIR, and so that person wasn’t really allergic to milk.
I am going to make a new email solely for the purpose of going on cooking blogs and answering every question about substitutions with “Yes, absolutely”. I figure in about five years this should destabilise the entire North American economy, if not capitalism itself.
I will also make a new email and answer all questions about substitutions with “Oh god no” and we’ll either cancel each other out or we’ll double the speed of the oncoming apocalypse.
Neither can eat good food while the other survives
I think my heart just exploded with love for both of you.
I’m laughing so hard I’m about to pee in my pants. So, so, so funny. Thank you!
Plus one on the “I added garlic salt, oregano, lime and some zucchini and it turned out great!”
Or “if you add [obscure ingredient] I bet this would be absolutely fantastic!” (Our site specifically says our target is “healthy, uncomplicated food that tastes good”, and that we don’t use obscure ingredients).
Is it sad that I would absolutely eat roasted or grilled zucchini with garlic salt, oregano, and lime?
Not at all, that sounds delicious – but this was on a recipe for cheese sauce. Then she suggested cutting down on the salt because it was a bit too salty for her (maybe adding garlic salt could be to blame?).
Note to self: post recipe for roasted zucchini with garlic salt, oregano and lime 🙂
I got some great laughs reading this, one of the best comments I got on my blog was, “this looks like canned dog food, but I bet it tastes great”!
This made my life.
So good! I need a Heimlich, I’m choking with laughter.
This is timely. My favorite recent comment on Allrecipes voted “Most Helpful” (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO FOUND THIS HELPFUL?????) is this 5 star font of apple pie wisdom:
“I haven’t tried this recipe yet, but I,m curious to know how many people got the new “allrecipes” mag. and what everyone thinks of it? I love it!”
Ay que barbaridad.
“I followed the recipe for this but it was too bland, so the next seven times I tried it I added all my spices in different combinations and it was delicious.” Um, if you hated it the first time why would you make it AGAIN?
This is so perfect. I often rage at my computer screen: HOW CAN YOU NEGATIVELY REVIEW SOMETHING YOU ADMIT TO MAKING INCORRECTLY?!
Have you all read the most excellent Food.com recipe for ice cubes? the best is the 1,000+ reviews that are much like this post. http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398
Ha ha ha! So glad it’s not just me. And you can practically substitute anything you make in place of a recipe. I raise and sell meat. I’ve heard “I cooked it for 30 minutes on high and it turned out dry and leathery”.
I once heard about a woman who returned to the grocery store with the styrofoam tray and plastic wrap from a roast she’d purchased (raw, obviously) at the store. She wanted her money back because “when she cooked it, it was too dry.”
The store didn’t cave.
I love the comments that are basically one long humble-brag. Here’s a good example (also from Nourished Kitchen, which a previous commenter referenced above):
“Doesn’t heating the brandy cause the alcohol to burn off? The boiling temp of alcohol is lower than that of water, and the boiling temp of sugar water is much higher than the boiling temp of water. Am I to understand that we are barely heating the sauce ingredients together?
I am *totally* going to try this! I have a 10-pound tub of sour cherries on order from a local farm.
Already I have canned a gallon of strawberry jam, and I am likely to can sliced peaches in my own maple syrup sauce. I will definitely do applesauce in the fall (Cortland for preference, usually 20-30 quarts), and maybe either tomato sauce or salsa. Canned fresh sweet corn is pretty popular around here, too, although I am not sure if I’ll be doing it this year yet. (A sack of 60 ears is decently manageable for my group.) And pickles! I am growing pickling cukes this year, and I have about a hundred flowers out there, so it should be a great batch of dill pickles.”
The person you are referring to is my mother.
OMG. Some people are IDIOTS! Plain and simple. This country is f-ing DOOMED!
“Tried this cake and it is so delicious and perfect, best cake I’ve ever tasted, recipe was easy. Will make again. 3/5 stars”
What the hell do you need to do to earn 5 stars from this person
Have it brought to you and hand fed personally by Tilda Swinton while Mark Ruffalo gives you a foot massage?
BTW Tilda should be wearing the White Witch costume and Mark should be dressed as Hulk
Can I substitute Charlize Theron for Tilda and Gwyneth Paltrow for Mark?
Only if also dressed as White Witch and She Hulk
You can, but you should really objectify locally grown actors, instead of offshoring your slave labor. For this reason, I suggest the Gwyneth Paltrow/Mark Ruffalo combination. I can get 3 Gwyneths for a dollar at the local farmer’s market! If you really can’t stand Mark Ruffalo, I suggest substituting gluten.
I should have known better than to read this at work. So much undignified snorting.
Since I am middle-aged and was a veteran of Usenet cooking groups before this Web thingie caught on, I have been seeing this for over twenty years!
We also got a lot of comments and/or nitpicking/oneupmanship about “authenticity”. Every time someone mentioned Cuban sandwiches on the group for years, the old hands would snicker, because there was an EPIC flamewar about “Authentic Cuban Sandwiches!” in the group’s early days.
Please tell me it wasn’t made with anything spicy. I can feel my eye twitching anytime someone tries to add chipotle anything to Cuban food.
As a foodie and a super taster I definitely got a good laugh.
“About the rum cake recipe: I’m a recovering alcoholic and typically replace rum with almond milk when I cook, but I’m out of almond milk, so could I use bourbon?”
I generally get nice comments, but the best one that befuddled me was my beet smoothie tastes like beets! Ha.
IMAGINE!
“I didn’t have buttermilk, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible.”
I should start posting every time something in The Toast makes me snort. I snorted.
How do I make this in a slow cooker?
I think the comments on the Guardian for Jack Monroe’s recipes were quite possibly the most dickish and idiotic comments I’ve ever read on recipes. She’s making healthy recipes for pennies and these people were all that’s not a reaaaaaaaaaaaal tagine or pizza! Also that she would buy Asian foods from her little locals, but not realizing that certain ethnic foods are generally less expensive than going to the regular corporate grocery store. Or they’d snark about how she would have little amounts down to the smallest price incriminate and say, well how can you buy 5p of veg bouillon? They don’t sell it that way at Tesco or Sainsburys. Or snark about not buying in bulk when, sorry, you are living on 10 pounds a week. Ugh. Classicism sucks.
That is so funny! I don’t usually leave comments, but I can’t believe (well, I should) that people leave real comments like this!
This reminds me of the ice recipe and it’s hilarious comments. http://www.food.com/recipe/ice-cubes-420398
This is too hilarious… you either like the idea of the recipe and give it a try, and then, and only then… begin to tailor it to your preferences… just don’t start out thinking you can get reliable results making haphazard hodgepodge of uncomplimentary ingredients with high expectations…
hahaha BRILLIANT
This article is so on point. Majority of comments are about substitutions, health risks, irrelevant matter and rarely a comment from someone who made the recipe as instructed & their feedback.
i really didn’t have time to have read these!
“the recipe doesn´t work! my food did NOT TURN OUT like the food in your pictures!”
“mh, well they turn out great everytime I make them, maybe you did something differently…?”
“no, I did it JUST LIKE YOU. but the recipe doesn´t work!!!”
because bloggers love to trick people into using recipes that do not work.
Haha! This was fun to read!
This post is hilarious, but they’re totally right about the cancer! Food seriously causes cancer and food bloggers just want to make a buck and don’t care that we all die of food cancer.
The one that gets me is the smily face followed by “Thanks for sharing”. They may as well say “I couldn’t be bothered to comment.”
Thanks for a good laugh. You forgot this one: Looks delicious! http://diannej.com/2010/whats-the-value-of-looks-…
My favorite was a post that someone told me I was harming my family with chemicals by not making my own Hidden Valley mix.
LOL…this is perfect!
You forgot “OMG this looks SOOOO GOOD! (though NOT SO GOOD for my diet lol) Can’t WAIT to try it!!!!”
“If you loved your children like I love mine, you would be raising and slaughtering your own meat AND growing all of your own organic fruits and vegetables. I also give my husband three blowjobs a day and weave my own cloth, which I then craft into clothing. In my spare time, I dig clay to throw my own dishes.
I also make our butter from my breastmilk. Will that work in this recipe?”
fantastic. love it. thank you!
Oh my god, this almost killed me. So accurate. Every time I look up a recipe, I spend at least ten minutes rolling my eyes at the stupid comments. My favorite I’ve ever come across: “I substituted brown rice for the white rice, and the rice isn’t done. Can you tell me what the problem is?” That one sucked at least 20 I.Q. points right out of my left ear. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go transfigure my hands into puffer fish.
I didn’t have whole wheat flour so I substituted kitty litter which is the same color, plus it’s gluten free. The kitty litter bag was empty so I took some from the edges of the litter box that I’m sure was clean. I expected my husband and the boys to rave about it like all the other comments on this recipe. They just gave me that look like they always do. And the cat turned up his nose at it.
My favourite one so far. . .
“Your recipe made a mess of my kitchen, so I won’t be coming back here again.”
OMG, can’t. stop. laughing.
And that is why I am not a blogger. It would make me stabby. I admire those of you with the fortitude to deal with vast number of idiots out there on the interwebz.
can’t believe this one hasn’t been mentioned yet:
“an ENTIRE CUP of sugar in a brownie recipe?!?” and “1 cup of sugar is wayyyyyy too much. my family follows a low-sugar diet (even the kids, since birth). i made this recipe with only 1 tablespoons of organic coconut sugar, and that was MORE than enough sweetness for us.”
Dying… So true.
I always find it strange when people want substitutions because of their dietary restrictions. If you can’t eat gluten or dairy or whatever you should know how to adjust for your own needs, otherwise just stay out of the kitchen. Also, that’s what google is for.
LOL! This is all so true!! I love it, I have gotten so many similar ones…nice to know my other food blogger peeps are rolling their eyes right along with me! I got reamed one time be/c of the ingredients I used were too hard to find for the normal person…..but my recipes are all free of the top 8 allergens, and none of the ingredients were weird for those who cook without. She gave me a 1 star review too…just because she didn’t like the look of the ingredient list! LOL!
And then there were people like my grandmother and her Irish immigrant mother whose food had made none of us feel nostalgic or wistful.
I haven’t tried this recipe. I just love to see my name on the interwebs. Plus it’s necessary for your readers to scroll through countless versions of this comment because I am so important.
Looks Yummy! I haven’t tried this recipe and never intend to. I don’t eat this kind of stuff. I don’t even cook. Plus, even if I did, I would never return to this site to offer any kind of useful comment.
I recently wanted to try an easy apple dumpling recipe by Trisha Yearwood (easy and actually very good). I am posting a review by someone who gave it one star because her home printer did not work!!!!!
j4opera14 Apr
Yes, it looked very tasty when Trisha made it…however, I cannot print a decent copy of it with the format you have…do you expect people to buy a cookbook one recipe..or do you expect youir viewers to the website to use their computers or devices to make the recipe…what is with this new format elininating the print friendly recipe menu????????
Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/trisha-yearwoo…
see http://inquisitiveeater.com/2013/10/23/comment-st…
Ahahahaha! I’m the Deputy Editor for The Inquisitive Eater (recently hired) and I looooove that one.
“You cooked the bacon in a PAN? Baking on a wire rack it is the only acceptable way to prepare bacon! I disagree with this inconsequential difference in methodology, and therefore refuse to take you seriously!”
Loved it xx
This is probably the funniest thing I’ve read …maybe ever. Thank you!
“Photos were not helpful. As a beginning cook, I need to see a PICTURE of what a pile of flour looks like.”
How do you take out the main ingredients, replace them with something that has to do with nothing, then complain to the recipe maker? That makes no sense….
HAHAHHAA YESSSSSSSSSSS.
I love this!!!! The sad part is that it is true 🙂
So true! And then there is the tricky ones where readers have replaced vegan ingredients for something else and want help with what went wrong 😛
How about this one?
“LOVED the grilled romaine lettuce that I just made from your grilled swiss chard recipe, after my 3rd martini. So delicious!”
you win the internet. i have been laughing for five straight minutes, and i am not even a cook.
WARNING: This blog’s author failed to mention that there are NUTS in her peanut butter cookie recipe. DO NOT serve to anyone with a nut allergy.
Your comment made me laugh until I was crying!!! We’ll done!
All so true! And nothing so new – this piece of doggerel is ancient:
“Recipe”
I didn’t have potatoes,
so I substituted rice.
Didn’t have paprika,
so I used another spice.
I didn’t have tomato sauce,
so I used tomato paste.
A whole can not a half can –
I don’t believe in waste.
My friend gave me the recipe –
she said you couldn’t beat it.
There must be something wrong with her,
I couldn’t even eat it.
Author: Unknown
My family doesn’t like cakes, but they tried this and liked it a lot. Why cook stuff nobody in your family likes ?
What an interesting idea! I’ve never thought of this before. I’ll be sure to try it, because this looks delicious!
“This doesn’t say what to do after I’ve made it. Do I eat it from the pan? Does it go on the shelf? My shelf is VERY dusty. No rush to reply.”
Today I learned that I get extremely emotional about stupid recipe comments.
I like the ….”I’ve never made this but I’m giving it 5 stars because it sounds delicious.” comments.
I get face-to-face comments from people who taste my chocolate chip cookies, “Wow, these are great! What’s your secret?” My highly unusual, hard to accomplish, top-secret key is that I follow the recipe on the bag EXACTLY as written. When I tell this to the questioner, their response is usually along the lines of, “oh, I never use (insert one ingredient here) because (insert excuse).” And they walk away, convinced that I really am not sharing my secret recipe.
“I made this for DH who HATES vegetables. Normally when I make him anything that isn’t a slab of meat he simply throws his plate out the window and storms out of the house in disgust.
this what i think
(replying to old-as-hell post) I live in California and I still keep canned tomatoes around year-round because like I really want to prep several pounds of fresh tomatoes every time I cook? Plus Romas are not heirloom varieties are not dry-farmed Early Girls and tomatoes keep for about two days on my counter (HUMIDITY), so unless it is high tomato season, canned is the way to go.
(I am one of those assholes who has several jars of her own canned tomato sauce that she cooked and canned on the farm that grew them, though.)
Enjoying these comments. Most are as funny as the post.
Can this be given to a one year old? What do you mean by semolina? can you translate in my language the picture looks good!!! list goes on 😀
Can this be given to a one year old? What do you mean by semolina? can you translate in my language the picture looks good!!! list goes on 😀
it is so tasty and delicious i tried it i like your recipes visit my blog too my favorite post is http://delightfullcookbook.blogspot.com/2014/12/c… recent post is http://delightfullcookbook.blogspot.com/2015/04/b…
you writes good visit my posts too http://delightfullcookbook.blogspot.com/2015/06/c… http://delightfullcookbook.blogspot.com/2015/06/p…
the ones that kill me are the ones where they are like “for this chicken Parmesan recipe, I substituted, beef for the chicken, mushrooms for the tomatoes, and sour cream for the Parmesan and it did not taste the way I expected it to. can someone tell me what I did wrong?” BITCH YOU JUST MADE BEEF STROGANOFF FROM A CHICKEN PARM RECIPE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
My favourite one is still “Very good!” Every single post. Every single time. In every single blog they visit. xD
The comments on this post are even funnier than the post itself! I can’t believe some of the shit people say. Ahh, laughs for days. Much appreciated.
This is the best comment I have ever gotten on my blog:
“Faux meat? I’m against faux anything – just real food here, please. But I like your literary review – never read any boxcars stories and as I do like kids lit, will definitely check them out at the library. PS I have a kids lit review of sorts up at the mo, as well as a post about soup – love coincidences!”
SMH
Guy has never tried one of my recipes but… “My father would turn in his grave if he saw these potato cakes!”
Said potato cakes made in the traditional manner, just replacing wheat batter with a gluten free batter. I think the different flours scared his tiny brain.
Today I found a recipe for Buttermilk Cornbread and a whole bunch of people had dissed it for not being true to Southern recipes, which don’t use sugar. Even though it was, like, not being billed as Southern.
I’m actually a supertaster, and licking the salt off saltines would burn my tongue out very quickly, so I substituted that line of this article with “Na na na na na na na na na.” It didn’t make any sense and tasted terrible!
My favorite so far from my own site’s experience is, “I can’t seem to get it right. Can you come over and cook for me?” Unfortunately they lived in another country and I couldn’t make it.
Laughing out loud. This week I received ‘my mother told me about this recipe so I tried it. It was terrible.’ And ‘can you translate this recipe into Dutch please?’ And if I read ‘what is thickened cream in my country please?’ One more time I am going to scream. Fucking google it! X
Laughing out loud. This week I received 'my mother told me about this recipe so I tried it. It was terrible.' And 'can you translate this recipe into Dutch please?' And if I read 'what is thickened cream in my country please?' One more time I am going to scream. Fucking google it! X
“I love how this pecan pie recipe sounds! One quick question, does it contain nuts? My son is deathly allergic to nuts and I want to make sure, because if he even touches a small splash of peanut oil he could die.”
I actually have made a version of pizza margarita without gluten, nightshades, or dairy. (Or alliums!) Anyway, it’s not worth it if you can eat normal person food.
It’s missing that the first 50-75 comments are from other recipe bloggers who are only commenting things like “this looks yummy” to prove to the blogger that they are looking at his/her blog and as such, that blogger should look at theirs. Might I add that they comment without ever having tried the recipe and without adding anything substantial to the comment conversation. This isn’t a pet peeve of mine at all
I substituted all the main ingredients and cooked it on the engine block of my car.
Worst. Recipe. Ever.
Review #1: Five Stars – This was fantastic! I followed the directions (although I did halve the salt), and everyone thought it was delicious.
Review #2: No Rating – Um, I didn’t actually make this recipe, but I do have a comment on the review(s). If you don’t make the recipe 100 PERCENT EXACTLY AS WRITTEN, you’re not actually making the recipe and you shouldn’t be allowed to review it.
I read a sustenance web journal where her principle centers are aged nourishment and the utilization of fed creature items and customary fats. The most enthralling remarks are the numerous MANY “this would be better without the dead groups of killed creatures”, “OMG ewwww grease” and conservative maniacs startled about GMOs who decline to accept there is no such thing as a GMO dairy animals. Are these individuals lost or something?
I came across a turkey meatball soup recipe with spinach plopped in to the simmering broth at the end. I made it as written, and we enjoyed it. One response included: “I don’t like turkey, so I made cod balls, and I don’t like spinach, so I used lettuce.” She pronounced it terrible!! OMG! LOL!!
I am an experienced, well traveled, well-fed ethnologist and the ingredients you suggested for your authentic recipe are not at all, in fact, authentic and would only used by ignorant, uncultured food heathens.
Here’s how to really make it authentically. Hitch 2 oxen to the wooden yoke of a 1700s era wooden wagon using only a leather harness, then drive your oxen to the olive tree orchard and harvest olives, only using your fingertips to remove. Meanwhile, heat coal to red hot temperature. Hold, using tongs, an iron rod in the fire. When glowing red, remove and pound the end flat with a medieval era mallet. Cool. Insert into ground near garlic, and pry gently. Remove garlic bulbs from earth. From there, follow your recipe, and it will be great
How about “this didn’t turn out for me, the recipe is obviously broken” alongside hundreds of “came out great” reviews?
Oh also, don’t forget “this isn’t really vegan because it has white sugar” (while it’s true that certain sugar refining processes use bone char, it’s by no means universal and there are brands you can get that definitely don’t if that’s something that’s important to you)…
This was a hilarious read. I could not believe some of the comments I read. It was a good thing I was alone at the time because I would have sounded insane from
laughing so hard , Cheers ! – Vishal Kawatra
I love it! 😀
I found a recipe for fudge and several people had a conversation in the comments section about how overly sweet it was (duh, fudge is sweet!). A person jumped into the middle of the conversation and very nicely said that because it is fudge, it is expected to be sweet, at which point she was jumped on by one of the conversation posters (and it became VERY obvious the poster was a LIEftist) because of the usual LIEberal buzzwords/phrases: “spewing hateful vitriol,” “complete idiocy,” “personal attack,” to name a few.
It’s funny because it’s true.
No, really, it’s true.
yes, I agree
Totally agree. :o)
And pick up lines!
Everyone’s read the recipe for ice cubes, right? It’s got over 1000 reviews, they are a GREAT laugh.
Hahaha. Lol. “If you don’t soak the seeds for at least fourteen hours before using, the phytic acid will give you cancer. Just thought you should know.”-how can someone say something like that? Still cant stop laughing. :v
First off, I want to say that I hate cooking! One night I was flipping through the TV and saw Sandra Lee’s show on and she was making this burger, and I thought, that looks really easy!
I went to the store after work the next day and bought everything I needed. This recipe was the easiest and fastest thing I’ve ever made, and it tasted amazing!!!!! My two year old who only likes mac and cheese loved this burger!!! I now watch Sandra Lee everyday and can’t wait to try her recipes!!
Hey, Mallory Ortberg
This article is perfect,
Of course it occurs to me now that everyone thinks these comments are ridiculous,
but it’s great when someone thinks a minor thing is as hilarious as you think it is,
and even better when someone as talented as Mallory skewers it so perfectly.
Thanks and Regards
Adam Bennett
Yummy my mouth is filled with water.
"You should only use grapeseed oil you’ve pressed yourself in a very cold room.” I laughed very hard.