what the hell is this
i dont know but im getting them too
we better close the gym
these bumps might be contagious
5. scarf frowning
4. bones turn into cancer
3. don’t like juice
2. its bad
1. oh no dude
no
you wont
no
they werent
you just give them one penny and your good to go
you thought you knew but you don’t
youre not even close
think you use your mouth and lungs for singing? think again bucko
nope not that either
boy youre a real dumbass
there were thirty but something happened to the other one
she’s not here anymore
if you do speak spanish look away
look away right now
its because of their 29 hot daughters
you fucking better read
theres just this one its the only one thats it do you like it
“damn” the doctors say shaking their fists “lost another facelift to darla”
secretly they respect her for keeping them on their toes though
its just this girl in 25 different hats
even they don’t know they live with their parents
4. [redacted]
3. [redacted]
2. [redacted]
1. [redacted]
its not that big a deal honestly it’s kind of embarrassing that you’re making such a big deal out of it, everyone does it these days, you look like a real rube
idk make a banana fortress
the beach
i already TOLD you
the penny
this guy knows all of em
he’s not going to tell you
no one
Tags: captions, content, humor, poetry i guess, spam, the internet, the level of discourse
1 simple way to cut down on bellyfat!
Sacrifice it to the Lord Adipodal, sacrifice it, give him your belly fat and your soul.
One of my favourite bits of internet serendipity was when I got two sidebar ads, one on top of the other. One was “THE magical food that melts away belly fat!” and the other was “NEVER EAT THIS IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!” They were both accompanied by a picture of a horned melon, just one was sliced lengthwise and one was sliced widthwise.
It is truly the poison pufferfish of melons.
BUT MALLORY
WHAT IS THE 1 WEIRD OLD TRICK TO reduce belly fat/earn thousands at home/get fake botox/develop an army of sentient ants DISCOVERED BY A HOUSEWIFE IN YOUR TOWN??????
Maybe it’s behind the banana fortress.
The banana fortress we made with all our bananas instead of eating them, since the poor maligned banana is always on that “NEVER EAT THESE FOODS” ad.
i already did pieces about all of those though!!!
i DO speak spanish and i AM afraid to click that link.
Worried because, although I don’t speak Spanish, I do know some common words and phrases. Lack of ontological clarity!! 🙁
I wouldn’t risk it. You just never know. And if the accompanying picture is any clue, it’s some pretty freaky shit.
This is my favorite game to play on the World Wide Web, for sure. My personal fave is a lady in a bikini wearing a captain’s hat and looking through binoculars with the caption, “You won’t believe how cruise ships fill empty rooms!” (They send this sexy lady out; she hunts you down; YOU CANNOT HIDE.)
I just woke people and animals up because I was flat-out cackling at this whole thing.
Damn, Mallory, you’re good for my soul.
I’m laughing so hard at my desk right now but my coworkers don’t notice because they’re having a really loud argument about how MEN ARE LIKE THIS AND WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT LET ME TELL YOU WHAT ALL WOMEN ARE REALLY THINKING ALL THE TIME. Thanks, gender essentialism, for making me look like less of a buffoon!
Mallory *is* good for the soul. Not so good for sleeping pets and housemates, though. Hey, great idea! Mallory is also an excellent test. How much do my housemates and pets really love me? I’ll read Mallory while they sleep and find out.
cackling is ok. I have tears streaming down my face.
Apparently cancer gives you expert shade-throwing ability, just look at that lady’s face
She looks like the love child of Dame Judi Dench and Miss Rosa from Orange is the New Black.
OMG this is STUNNINGLY accurate.
I’m pretty sure that couple’s ‘little known way’ involves selling their baby. He is not happy about it.
I was sure that would be the joke.
Baby + penny combo?
It’s just that the baby won’t let go of the penny, so in order to give the bank the penny, they also have to give them the baby. That’s all.
That’s just how finance works.
Rumpelstiltskin got into the re-financing game
Pro Tip: If your mom is diagnosed with cancer and you’re obsessively Googling about her treatment and lurking on breast cancer patient forums, you will get an inordinate amount of “ARE YOU ALREADY DEAD FROM CANCER? Click here to find out!” ads. And it’s like, no we’ve already got it. We’re all good here.
As a hypochondriac (truly) with a husband who’s got cancer, yes, I can attest to this. Google probably confuses my IP address for the American Cancer Society’s. It has taken all my strength not to click that “5 Signs Cancer is Starting in your Body” link. Well-wishes to your mom (and you).
Thank you! She is in remission now and it is such a relief. Best wishes to your husband too!
Oh that’s good news! And thank you, right now he’s good. Probably healthier than I am, all things considered.
You ladies should both install adblock! Then make an exception for the Toast, of course.
so my cackling at these and the art history posts was apparently loud and intense enough that my coworkers thought I was regularly crying at work and asked if I was okay
But really, what can’t be solved with a banana fortress? What is best in life? To march your little strawberry soldiers around the highest turret, to drop over-ripe blueberries upon your enemies amassed below, to successfully ignore everything else on the to do list.
“Sorry, you’ve already voted on that comment.” DAMMIT INTENSEDEBATE YOU CAN’T TELL ME HOW TO LOVE.
To drive your damson plums before you and hear the lamentations of their kiwis.
Dammit, you beat me to it! Good times, Conan, good times.
Weirdly, that was basically the plot of the most recent Adventure Time episode. Wildberry Princess is bloodthirsty!
Can I have a banana split fortress? With whipped-cream-canons?
“Pour the hot fondue over the enemy at the gate!”
(thanks, internet)
DAT BANANA BUTT (oh, internets)
make a stop action video please
Also, observe what else the internet hath provided:
thank you mallory for being the one person i can count on every day to make me laugh hysterically.
I just get the ad for some baby sleep training site, which says a lot about my googling habits over the past three years.
What is the theory behind those weight-loss ads with the viscerally upsetting pictures of like slimy villi or disgusting pomegranate seed-looking things? Where whatever it is is supposedly some secret thing you’re presumably supposed to EAT to lose weight? I mean it might work, in that you would never stop vomiting, but how is that any way to get people to click on your ad? My eyes flinch away every time I see one.
You’re supposed to maintain unbroken eye contact with the picture while trying to eat your lunch.
ONE EASY TRICK etc
When I was planning my wedding, I got Google ads for divorce lawyers.
When I was planning my wedding, I got Google ads for weight loss programs. IT’S LIKE GOOGLE DOESN’T KNOW ME AT ALL.
Ten startling pictures of makeup without celebrities
Eat this, live forever
This reminds me a little bit of Saved You a Click — or, rather, it reminds me of the podcast where I first heard about Saved You a Click, in which one of the podcasters said “I always imagine those tweets in the voice of Selma from The Simpsons.” I’m imagining all of these in Selma’s voice, and it is awesome. (“Make a banana fortress.” “Its just this girl in 25 different hats.”)
Oh my glob, this is the best thing! You have just improved my internet experience by 1000%.
29 hottest athletes’ daughters, because no man on the Internet believes that women can be hot when they hit the dirty 30.
“The hot new ebook app librarians HATE”
So…it’s a bad app? Or librarians…don’t like it…when people read?
Librarians hate books. That’s why they spend their days guarding buildings full of books to prevent their escape. Ebooks are harder to contain.
That makes sense, but I still don’t understand why you would want to anger a librarian! I hear they’re very menacing.
YOU CAN MAKE $6834 A WEEK WORKING AT HOME FOR GOOGLE
the weeks will last a thousand years
all workweeks will be entirely mondays
don’t blink. every time you blink, google will charge you a dollar for lost advertising revenue.
if you die, google will send a drone to dispose of your body, at no cost to you or your survivors.
don’t be evil.
DON’T. BE. EVIL.
yes perfect
(also you could probably do an entire one of these JUST from weather.com, which weirds me out so much because like guys you know i came here for WEATHER right, not “Strange Use for This Poop “)
Riiiiight? I would like to know if it will rain tonight, I do not need your (equally triggering to me) links to 100% predictors that I have cancer and/or pictures of centipedes warning me about 5 PESTS IN YOUR HOUSE NOW.
But Mallory, I might actually be related to Abraham Lincoln.
no
they werent
OH REEEEEEEALLY well my great-great-aunt was personal physician to Empress Myeongseong, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES MALLORY
wait i am literally the only person who thinks that counts as “famous” welp okay
TELL ME MORE.
I only learned about this a few years ago! Lillias Horton was graduated from the Woman’s Medical College of Chicago in the 1880s, married a missionary (brother to my great-grandfather, if I’m counting the generations right), and traveled with him to Korea, where she became a close friend of and physician to the Empress. Her memoir of life in Korea, regrettably entitled Fifteen Years Among the Top-knots, or Life in Korea, is available in its entirety here.
You’re not going to see any Lincoln books opening with a chapter called “The Baby Riots.”
Yeah, no, that’s way more interesting than Abraham Lincoln! Do you have any stories about/from her?
Not really, but I do have a few things she brought back from her fifteen years in Korea. Shortly before my parents sold my grandparents’ home, I opened a trunk and a Korean-made mother-of-pearl inlaid cabinet that had been moved from house to house for at least a full two generations and found a trove of never-used luxury items: tiny silk shirt and pants, too small for any but the smallest baby and too delicate to be worn; tiny silk slippers; intricate flat wood-and-silk puppets painted with the deftest hand; a tiny, heavy silk purse with complicated closures of silk rope and frogs, lavishly embroidered and affixed to a thick paper tag reading (in English, presumably in my great-great-aunt’s writing) “A Pocket from the Palace.” Learning that she’d been close to the empress made much more sense out of these finds; in family legend, it was quite unlikely that the missionaries would have bought such lavish things, even as intended gifts.
I’m related to Mary Kay. Yes, that Mary Kay.
We look nothing alike.
You have much better taste than Mary Kay.
Yep. I doubt she’d be reading The Toast.
Have a penny.
The best part is that I’ll never know for sure because we don’t really know who my grandfather’s father was. If it’s who we think he was, my great-grandmother probably had an affair with a married man!
But really, if that’s the story, more important to me is how she was a single mother during the Great Depression who raised an amazing man.
Via my dad’s McGillicuddy cousins, I’m related to:
Cornelius “Connie Mack” McGillicuddy, manager/owner of the Philadelphia Athletics and Baseball Hall of Famer.
Cornelius “Connie Mack” McGillicuddy III, former U.S. senator [R-FL].
Cornelius “Connie Mack” McGillicuddy IV, former U.S. representative [R-FL14]; also ex-second husband of Mary “Actually, Sonny wanted the term of copyright protection to last forever” Bono.
Cornelius “Connie Mack” McGillicuddy XII, future former mindwarden of the Tampa Caldera.
I’m sensing a theme…
damnit mallory now the hipsters know about the human heads you just ruined it for EVERYONE i dont want mine farm to table and artisanal and humanely raised.
This is what I see on this very post:
“Live the life of a famous writer”, which I have always imagined as lonely, and full of horrifying writer’s block and angst and terror that you will never be good again.
Live that life without ever writing anything to be proud of.
I’m picturing aspiring young authors typing with their toes. *Frowns slightly*
I can only assume that this is how Nicole and Mallory are recruiting. The ad actually links to The Toast’s submissions page.
Because I can’t copy and paste that ancestry.com girl:
“Yeah, I was famous, look me up. Famous for [insert favourite evil action here], bitch. Yeeeeah, I got mine, alright.”
Seriously, that is one slightly deranged looking ancestor.
How to really sing.
Mallory, please make this a regular feature. This is wonderful!
This list might need more moms who have “tips,” “tricks,” or “secrets.” In my vast experience ignoring ads on the internet, the majority of people with hidden and useful knowledge are also moms. COINCIDENCE???
What about those weird sea creature ones? Like the hand holding what looks like a giant contact lens only it has legs? Is it just me? I think it’s just me.
I’ve seen that one too!
What I’m really intrigued by are the ones about how Ellen DeGeneres was fired by CoverGirl after her dreadful secret was revealed. SHE’S BEEN LYING TO FANS FOR YEARS! Is it the gay thing, because we kind of already know about the gay thing.
If you know what the 1 weird old trick is, or Ellen’s “secret” (surely not the obvious), or what is with the girl with the hands around her face, I’d vaguely like to know these things (without clicking).
My favourite one has to be this glitch:
My husband owns onestrangetip.com. We’re holding out til the market is right, then we’ll rake in the millions. This is our little known way to pay off the mortgage…