Brook Shelley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here, and our previous coverage of trans* issues can be found here.
Welcome to lesbian trans womanhood. I know, we aren’t supposed to say that. Welcome anyway. Let’s assume you know two things: that you are a woman, and that you like other women. Good. That’s a fine place to start. Follow along, and we will get you from this humble beginning, to being a real-live dater.
Take a deep breath. Ready?
1. First, lower your expectations. Whatever you think might happen in the next few paragraphs, or in the next few months, expect less.
This isn’t in reference to any particular difficulty facing trans women, though there are many; it is always helpful to lower your expectations. Low expectations mean high excitement at small success.
For example, if you expect to dance alone at a bar, you will be thrilled to find that someone beautiful is dancing with you. Repeat as needed.
2. Next, create an online dating profile. OkCupid, Match, or Tinder; it doesn’t really matter where, but you’ll need one. This is how you meet shy lesbians. You may be shy yourself. This could be the best place for you.
3. Spend quite a bit of time agonizing over the photos and your description and hobbies. Be clever. Be charming. Ask a few close friends, “would you theoretically date me based on this profile?” Hear them laugh a little. Tell them, “No, I’m serious. Is any of this good?”
4. Take their advice. If they have no advice, find some other friends. Without them, you will end up posting a photo with kale in your teeth, or where there is clearly a dog using the restroom in the background. You will not notice this on your own.
5. While you wait for responses, go find the queerest bar nearby. Attend events specifically targeted towards lesbians like you. Dance. Get used to dancing. The music will likely not be great. Get used to a mix of pop hits, Shakira, and Bikini Kill. Don’t try to explain why Kathleen Hanna is problematic while dancing.
6. Wonder, “why do so many of these girls have bow-ties on?”
There is no answer.
7. Assume they must not be able to take them off. Do not offer to help them take their bow-ties off. Just dance away.
8. Flirt. Often.
9. Hone your ability to turn a conversation into a fun tête-à-tête. Read the face and responses of the other people. Assume that at any moment, they might sour, and you will need to disengage. Be lighthearted. Be friendly. Don’t press anyone, and focus on enjoying yourself. Cool people enjoy themselves. Cool people are definitely not sweating horribly, right now, as they dance around the room, hoping for a match. When someone asks how you are doing, never mention the harassment, mis-gendering, or stress you’re going through. They don’t actually want to know that stuff yet. Talk to your aforementioned friends about those.
10. Hear, “wow, you’re tall,” at most of these events. Kiss a few people, gently. Brace yourself for the inevitable pre-hookup question or revelation about your body or identity. Practice explaining why “biological woman” is ridiculous. Use lines like “Of course I’m a biological woman, and not a cyber woman… or a giant snake.” At no point be seen unhinging your jaw to devour a goat.
Also try, “Hi, this is how my body works… and this is what I like.”
11. Be prepared for some rejection at this point. Practice your smile and, “Ok, that’s fine, I had fun,” response to “I can’t sleep with you now,” or “I’m just not attracted to [your genitals],” or “I’m a gold star lesbian, I can’t sleep with you.” You may also hear, “you’re so brave.”
12. Find ways to forgive them in your heart for being such shitheels.
13. Be surprised when not everyone rejects you. Bask in the glow of reciprocal attraction when it does occur – it may be rare. You may want to high-five the women who are still attracted to you, regardless of what you discuss. Resist. High-fives are firmly in second date territory.
14. Check your phone. Oh, your mom called. Call your mom back. Remind her that you won’t be meeting any nice boys because you are a lesbian. Yes, you might want to settle down. No, there’s not much going on lately. Yes, you’re really a lesbian. No, this isn’t a phase. Yes, you did get the dress she sent… it’s… nice. Tell her you love her. Hang up.
15. Check your phone again. There sure are a lot of biologists on your online dating site.
How’d they get access to my karyotype? Did they take a blood sample?
What’s that game? You know the one… Where complete strangers ask you about your genitals? You’ll be playing this whether you like it or not a lot more often now. It is not possible to win this game.
16. Use some of your flirting skills from being at the bar while you are online. Realize those skills don’t translate. A lot of people online are too shy to go out, so they will not know how to respond to you. You may be seen as forward, or at least not shy enough. Carry on.
17. Talk about books. Talk about food. Talk about anything but how you’ll probably never meet up, and if you do, there won’t be a second date. There often isn’t a second date.
18. Get ready to hear a lot of very surface-level readings of Judith Butler. Take heed that many of your fellow women have taken exactly one women’s and gender studies course in college, and “know all about being transgendered.” (sic) Be prepared to hear girls talk about how they’re “not really feminists, because they like to have fun.” Feel free to shake your head and pour a drink. Get better at reading through their answers to weed out the ubiquitous racism, transmisogyny, littering, and incompatible goals. Remember that you don’t have to settle.
19. You should probably have a pet. I should have said this at the beginning. Choose: cat or dog. Go adopt your choice animal. Start at the top. I can wait. You may be alone for a while.
20. Find a partner or dater. At some point, you will succeed. You will feel like you won the lesbian lottery. You will be elated in your heart that someone cares about you, and wants to kiss you… like more than once a week. High fives may be appropriate at this point.
21. Prepare yourself for anyone you date to be called a chaser. It doesn’t matter if they actually care about you for who you are as a person, there are many who enjoy distilling you to your transgender history. Gird your loins against the barbs flung at you and your partner. Learn to laugh, and to cry. Embrace being a really hot lesbian with a super amazing girlfriend. It’s pretty great.
22. Laugh to yourself at all the ridiculously sad people who would want to hurt you and your partner. Try to not be burned by them with every single uneducated, casual insult. It will sting, but you can be strong.
23. But, most of all, have fun! Being a lesbian trans woman is probably the best thing in the world. Be proud of yourself. Be excited. You get to kiss other girls.
Tags: brook shelley, dating, lgbt, relationships, the trans* series, trans* issues, women
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hehe dog using the restroom
Now back up to read the rest!
ETA: “gold star lesbian” RAAAAAAGEface, yuck.
the whole concept of ‘gold star lesbian’ makes me sick (admittedly because I once had a self-proclaimed one act with utter disgust to the concept of dating me because – in her own words – ‘You’ve SUCKED COCKS’.)
UGH. I’m sorry that happened to you, what an asshole.
On the other hand, though:
bullet dodged (or, well, deflected, to be more accurate)
Nobody who treats a woman as though her sexual history makes her tainted or unclean is a GOLD-STAR ANYTHING, ever. No stars, no smiley-faces, no stickers. Negative points. Remedial Humanity 102.
But, you know, you can catch cooties that way! And it’s like toxoplasmosis – cooties will alter your brain and make you a tool of the patriarchy.
A friend once reassured me, “You can be a gold-star again; you only slept with ONE man, just say it was an experiment!”
They were not my friend much longer.
i’m sure that somewhere out there are some strange christian lesbians who believe that you can pray for a new gold star, similar too my church growing up that said you could pray for a new virginity. Thankfully, I have never had sex, according to the bible, so i’m hella safe
Actually I’ve had a few, freak out thinking I was going to in slavè them. Just simply standing in what appeared to be a 16th century Castle that looked 100% period with a silver choker on my neck. Which was actually what amounted to nothing more then, life size movie set. While having a simple conversation about, my hobbies with a potential girlfriend.
So I would add the tip, of avoiding the mentioning things like researching medieval restoration work, that envolves dungeons or attire of servents. At least until you have known each other long enough to establish a good amount of trust.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SOME SMIRKING IDIOT: “I’m a gold star lesbian.”
ME:
I for real haven’t heard that in a loooooong time though.
ETA: imgur links no work?
(Your image URL is the imgur page, not just the raw image… the URL should be http://i.imgur.com/8OJvrHb.jpg instead)
Siiiiiiiigh.
Thank you!
the only time I have ever heard “gold star lesbian” was on the l word.
so…disreputable. the magical witch lesbian goddess should banish these people forever to the year 2005.
This is great and funny (and also kind of depressing in the parts where people are shitheels, i’m sorry that some people suck so much) and I love how it still manages to end on a lovely, uplifting note 🙂
Mostly commenting though to say that I really love “Use lines like “Of course I’m a biological woman, and not a cyber woman… or a giant snake.” At no point be seen unhinging your jaw to devour a goat,” but also OMG now I’m reminded of the incredibly terrifying Bathilda Bagshot scene where she IS a giant snake (er do I have to say spoilers for that at this point??) so thanks a LOT for the weeks of nightmares I’ll probs have.
Oh, thank you for that reminder of _that_ scene.
I think you’re safe on spoilers because the only people who would get that would be people who know EXACTLY what scene. (You didn’t even say the title!)
lol good point
Love this & also “a dog using a restroom” was very funny.
“What’s that game? You know the one… Where complete strangers ask you about your genitals? You’ll be playing this whether you like it or not a lot more often now. It is not possible to win this game.”
This.
“There often isn’t a second date.”
And that.
Testify, sister!
Quick note: a lot of these things are from my dating experience in the past few years. Sadly, it’s a lot of the not great ones, but I also have a girlfriend who is AMAZING. We high five often.
“Be proud of yourself. Be excited. You get to kiss other girls.”
This is basically why I high-five all my lesbian friends all the time. So hi5 to you as well.
Woah that high five is a bit forward, I hope you’ve been on at least 2 dates with her.
just here to add to the fuck all, assholes are STILL using the Gold Star Lesbian phrase? what the fuck!? that shit was tired in 2005 lady college, people. NOBODY FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.
also this was really wonderful.
What is it even supposed to *mean*?
you collect stars for each gender that you *don’t* sleep with
if you get all the stars you can fight the final boss
I didn’t know lesbians were so game-intense. O.o
nah, because when you get more stars, you’re on your way to destroying the fucked up idea (I imagine it like the blank faced awful final baddie in Phantom Tollbooth, besuited, who I also maybe have a self-hating crush on, god, I don’t know) and winning all the gold or whatever. “gold-star” lesbians (SERIOUSLY it made me rage just to type it) never even get past battling the boss of bed death or whatever entry-level bad guy there is.
I want ALL the stars!
if you get all the stars you can fight the final boss
This will more than likely make me giggle all day, so thank you.
Brilliant, funny, and educational. This is one of those articles that should be on most curriculums.
Lovely piece, lots of Proper Giggles. You are a good writer. Have fun & wishing you all the best girls to date 🙂
High-fives are firmly in second date territory.
High-fives for this piece! Because high-fives are always appropriate.
“You get to kiss other girls.”
My heart broke in the lovely way.
OH MY GOD
THIS IS SO GOOD
“Don’t try to explain why Kathleen Hanna is problematic while dancing.”
This made me laugh (as someone who yells over Jay-Z’s verse in Drunk In Love because it is garbage).
You have such wit. Made me want to laugh and cry both. Why are people so stuck on defining themselves and others?
(Your image URL is the imgur page, not just the raw image… the URL should be http://i.imgur.com/8OJvrHb.jpg instead)
I’m really taking the giant snake revelation advice to heart, because I believe that is some grade-A advice there, it took YEARS to refrain from unhinging my jaw in public and it turns out to be a real turn-off.
… also i love this article, it’s very funny and I’m sending it to every shy-ass motherfucker I know who wants to try dating.
This is a really great post, well done. I’m not even in the difficulty setting that trans people are in, but I’ve been seriously considering getting a dog in *addition* to my two cats, and then maybe the rest won’t matter.
Comprehensive!
While on an endorphin high, go to a restaurant owned by a queer woman. Chat with the owner. Be adorable and very Southern, and try to help clear the table. Keep going back, and continue to be adorable and Southern. Make really bad puns. When the owner is out, makes friends with the staff. Repeat until she proposes.
Hey, it worked for my wife.
ADORABLE!!! I want to hug, handshake or airkiss you both, depending on your levels of comfort with contact.
D’aaawww, thanks. We accept hugs gladly.
If I saw a woman unhinge her jaw to swallow a goat I’d stride across the dance floor crying “AT LAST, MY SOUL MATE”, and seek consent to clasp her to my bosom. We’d have many wonderful dates together eating far too much food, being persistently non-vegan, and transforming into lizards to bring about the end times. Ladies: call me.
*You’re so br-”
*unhinges jaw, swallows whole*
I read the comments because I know it's bad, but I can't stop myself.
And since this was a article written by a trans woman, about trans women, I was expecting terrible terrible things.
BUT INSTEAD EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND WONDERFUL AND I LOVE THE TOAST.
I want to read everything you write!