given the amount of time my brother spent talking about Costco when I was visiting him I think he might be a premature Dad
ArsenioB_Ham+48
The bulk shopping…oh God. “These tomato sauces were buy three, get two free, so now we have 10!” or, worse: “If you buy 7 of these, you get a gift card to [restaurant no one in the family likes]! Do you want this gift card?”
revengeofpompom+7
this is exactly why my mom has forbidden my dad from getting a Costo membership — she is certain our attic and garage will be filled with dozens of rolls of paper towels and whatnot.
EPWordsnatcher+44
“It’s not like they’re going to go bad!”
bibliowrecka+3
Ohh, my dad recently discovered Costco, and he is in heaven. The family will never run out of toilet paper or giant bags of Chex Mix again.
megmuoio+6
My dad doesn’t bulk shop, but he is powerless to resist any 2 for $4 or 3 for $5 deal at the grocery store – including deals for products that the family has never used and never will.
ArsenioB_Ham+10
Yes! My stepfather as well. He will in fact buy things he KNOWS he hates because it’s “such a good deal.” HOW
Unreadaethel+2
My dad’s Dadness is exacerbated by the fact that he grew up on a farm in Montana. So not only does he buy based on price per unit, he shops for a family of 6 who might get snowed into their house and be unable to get to town for 3 months. DAD IT’S JUST YOU AND MOM, STOP THAT.
Hussified+33
Oh, there’s no thinly veiling ANY delight that we are all finally out of my parents’ house.
cuntessvonfingerbang+19
No kidding. My dad and stepmom converted my room to a yoga studio the week I moved out. I think they might also have referred to it as “the yoga room” for a while before I even left, but I can’t remember for sure.
BellaG+5
My mother was sad for a day after my sister and I moved out. The following day, she began redecorating so we couldn’t move back in. My sister’s old bedroom is now a sunroom, and my old bedroom is now my mother’s home office. (It contains a sofabed, which is her sole concession to the idea of us coming back for a few days to visit.)
leslieellenjones+22
My parents moved to Vermont the weekend after my younger brother graduated from high school.
winterbymorning+91
When I was a kid I would try to appeal to my dad’s love of saving money by saying, “Look, this Barbie is on sale, so you would save 25% if you bought it for me now!” and he would inevitably reply, “Yes, but instead I’m saving 100% by not buying you anything :D”
blunderbusst+81
I feel like this is the place where I need to mention that my sister and I kept our Ken doll under the bed in our Barbie dorm room / apartment playset, and we only brought him out to have sex with the Barbies, and then we put him back under the bed again.
Also, when we decided we needed a second sex friend, we drew a mustache on our Marie Osmond doll and called it good.
ETA: Maybe this was a totally inappropriate place to share this.
EPWordsnatcher+38
Maybe this was the PERFECT place to share this.
aravisthequeen+60
Costco is my dad’s favourite store. He buys my mom gifts there (like the enormous fake-copper clock for the patio). He once bought a 5-gallon bucket full of “emergency food” that he keeps in the basement for….what, exactly? WHO KNOWS. One of my friend’s dads is the same, and once she went to their house and her dad asked “Do you need any lemon juice?” and whipped a gallon jug of lemon juice from a cupboard and put it in her car for her. “We have five so take one!”
My husband is slowly starting to get the bulk shopping bug, too. He wants to look at EVERYTHING in Costco, just in case. Why??? Are you suddenly going to need a pack of 10 mittens?
EPWordsnatcher+19
My mom and dad both ADORE the new Costco here. They buy very specific things, including detergent (laundry and dish), my dad’s anti-snore nose strips, razor blades, Famous Amos cookies, and toilet paper. Going to Costco is the highlight of their day and possibly their week.
A gallon of lemon juice is too much lemon juice.
nopemobile+5
FAR too much. It would turn into lemon vinegar long before anyone could use it up.
ArsenioB_Ham+5
At MOST you need two tablespoons of lemon juice in a recipe. How does one measure a single tablespoon from a gallon jug? I ask you.
EPWordsnatcher+18
And if I have a recipe that needs more lemon juice than that (lemon curd comes to mind), it’s clearly going to play a big enough role in the dish that I want good, fresh-squeezed juice, and not years-old Gallon Jug Juice.
WanderingDancer+6
Maybe you could freeze the lemon juice in smaller portions and just thaw a couple of cups at a time?
1sic1+22
It’s just the right amount of lemon juice for throwing into the eyes of your enemies, though.
ramina+35
When I was visiting my ex-pat friend in Australia, we went with his parents to the brand new Costco that had just opened up because there were rumors that they carried American products that you couldn’t get anywhere else. It was like stepping into a temporal vortex because it was laid out EXACTLY like the Costco in my hometown, and the look of sheer joy on my friend’s face that hadn’t had a bag of Ruffles in twelve years was unforgettable.
All hail Costco and the fact that you can eat at the food court and use the pharmacy even if you aren’t a member!
Unreadaethel+7
And the living wage they pay to their employees!
tragicallyludicrous+23
EMERGENCY FOOD. Just a bucket full of something labeled that. I’m terrified.
aravisthequeen+5
It’s one of those “ration buckets” where it has like, rice and shelf-stable goods and Sterno and ugh. Ugh.
tinypaperme+28
“Emergency Food” = the Lean Cuisine you bought on a whim, remembered you don’t like, and now keep in the freezer at work just in case you forget your lunch someday even though you know you’ll walk to the Subway ½ mile away in the rain instead of ever eating it.
Household_Opera+12
When the apocalypse hits, dads will be prepared, goshdarnit. The post-apocalyptic world will be full of dads.
osutein+142
When dads die, they go to Costco. Next time you’re in Costco, look for them. Out of the corner of your eye, you’ll glimpse middle-aged men wearing worn-out NFL sweatshirts, baggy jeans, and loafers wandering the aisles sans cart, a joyful look on their faces and at least three free samples in one hand, and a discount DVD of INDEPENDENCE DAY (“it sounds so good on the subwoofer” say the whispers) in the other. If you try to look directly at them, they will vanish in a puff of Old Spice. Do not be troubled, for they are in paradise and their bliss is enough.
EPWordsnatcher+17
<3 <3 <3
jay+2
maybe the best dad magazine comment ever made.
nopemobile+67
This coverdad is SO happy to be grilling enough vegetables to feed an army. He’s clearly having a hard time adjusting to the kids being out of the house.
Hotbuttonissue+7
I think he’s making paella…..now I want paella.
deleted5647547+53
Does this magazine have a joke section with all Dad jokes? Like if your adult child asks you to pass her any kind of cheese product and you say “Hey man! That’s nacho cheese!” Or maybe when she asks you what time it is and you reply with “time for all old dogs to be dead – aren’t you glad you’re a pup?”
mkpatter+14
There are actual, real grandma magazines that do this, so I hope so.
deleted5647547+7
Oh my god, where are these magazines.
EPWordsnatcher+34
I’ve never heard that second one and am mildly horrified.
deleted5647547+8
It’s actually kind of horrifying now that I think about it? Weird…I’ve heard it so many times, it’s lost all meaning!
EPWordsnatcher+58
The Dad answer I’ve always heard to “What time is it?” is “Time to get a watch!” and/or “Hair past a freckle!” or something along those lines. Dog death never entered into it.
deleted5647547+56
My dad will occasionally mix it up with *glances at non-watch having arm* “It’s about skin-thirty”.
bibliowrecka+21
Hair past a freckle, Eastern Elbow Time! Yes!
Sarita+4
My dad just holds up his watch arm (upside down) and makes me read it.
mbculver+36
My dad’s favorite was this one: “Hey Dad, what’s that movie about?” “About 2 hours.” “What’s your book about?” “Oh, about 300 pages.”
I carry on this highly annoying tradition with my daughter.
EPWordsnatcher+8
As you should.
tinypaperme+9
“Half past the monkey’s ass and quarter past his knee.” <- My mother’s answer. Sub in “balls” for “knee” as needed to achieve maximum crabbiness.
pieismyreligion+25
“Hey, Dad!” “Hay is for cows and mules and I don’t see YOU chewing” I find myself using this occasionally and get the most confused looks.
aravisthequeen+74
“Hay is for horses” is my dad’s autoresponse on that. He could be communicating only with eye blinks and if someone said “Hey” he would start spelling out H-A-Y I-S F-O-R H-O-R-S-E-S
WanderingDancer+18
In my family, it was always “Hay is for horses, and cows are cheaper.” Rural Pennsylvania, man…
Goomaly+12
“Hay is for horses, not for people”– and if we were feeling particularly saucy, “…and pigs like you”
cavedueller+25
Oh god, western PA’s dialect consists entirely of dad jokes.
Ophelia+1
In suburban MA, the answer is “Hay is for horses, better for cows,” which in retrospect makes no sense at all.
cornpancake+6
“Dad, is today Monday?” “All day if it doesn’t rain.” I still don’t get it but I have to bite my tongue from saying it myself!
Unreadaethel+4
But it’s still Monday when it’s raining! This joke has always annoyed me. I’m bad at jokes.
thecaitd+10
I have a dad-level adoration for bulk shopping. Anyone who lives in an urban area and shares my devotion, try Boxed. You can order a 30-pack of toilet paper (large enough to double as a flotation device in the event of hurricane or flood) on your phone and get it delivered straight to your apartment in two days!
Ophelia+2
BUT THEN WHERE DO YOU PUT IT??? /sobs tragically as she evaluates her lack of closet space
mkpatter+24
I really WANT to pay $40 for a notebook (it’s handmade and VELVET), but I won’t.
tragicallyludicrous+7
when I was in NYC I went into a fancy stationary store and really couldn’t justify spending $40 on a leather notebook but God how I wanted to
keristars+11
….I just spent $58 on a notebook from japan and REFUSE to tell my dad because he will FREAK (also I just transferred him the monthly payment for my phone, since we got it on his plan, and he was like ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN AFFORD IT THIS MONTH? which he asks every month even though when i bought the thing i told him i made sure the monthly payments would be less than i could afford, so i could pay it off faster or have some buffer if something happened JUST LIKE HE TAUGHT ME)
but it’s the most amazing paper in the world and really good quality agendas/planners can be even MORE expensive and a big chunk of the cost was just shipping it EMS from Chiba to Florida, and there are two things i indulge myself with: monthly day trips to WDW and stationery goods, and I forwent my September day trip to buy the thing.
ps: it is the Hobonichi Techo and i got my 2014 one free in a web giveaway and it really is like some shady dude being all “the first hit is free!” http://www.1101.com/store/techo/
mkpatter+6
Japanese stationary is so fucking good though. Totally worth it. I almost spent $10 on a pen from Japan. It was polka dots (!!!) and like, a beautiful fine point like I like, finer than any pen I’ve ever seen here. Uh…I may still go and buy it eventually.
keristars+5
you SHOULD $10 is an amazing price for a great pen!
I won’t tell you what I spend on mine but I’m very cheap/frugal about pens and my preference is for fountain pens, so… the last one I bought is some cheapie from China via eBay and it was only $7 and is baby blue with white polka dots and soooo cute. So I understand. I understand completely.
I’m trying to convince JetPens to import the Sailor Clear Candy Dots fountain pens that have a super fine point and dot/lady bug designs so I can buy them for less than $30 each.
Cute + well-designed stationery items = my downfall. why are the high quality Western ones so fussy and formal looking? i need to take a trip to Japan and Korea with an empty suitcase just for stationery things.
mkpatter+4
If you’re ever in Tokyo, go to Loft in Ikkebukuro. The entire 11th floor is stationary. It is amazing.
ramina+22
Dad of the Month, what are you cooking? Is the recipe included? I want to eat that!
EPWordsnatcher+40
BAH. “Recipes.” DADS DON’T FOLLOW RECIPES, THEY JUST CUT THINGS UP AND THROW THEM ON THE GRILL/IN A WOK/ON THE STOVE. (Maybe just my dad?)
Kai_Ko+5
Not just your dad. Preach.
littlehuntingcreek+3
Recipes are for losers. Dads don’t need recipes!
GreenGrasses+20
The recipe for everything is as follows: “slice up some onion, throw it in the skillet with a stick of butter!”
Sarita+3
Add diced vegetables (whatever’s in refrigerator), crack an egg over it, and call it scrambled eggs. Serve in a giant microwavable bowl and eat on recliner while watching TV.
mandarinmarie+5
All of my Dad’s recipes involve throwing everything in a dish with tomato sauce and putting it in the oven. About 75% of meals are chicken breasts, veggies, tomato sauce, and bread crumbs on top. Now that he’s retired and my Mom’s still working that is every night for them.
Hotbuttonissue+4
Paella, it looks like!
ejbaker13+152
I received an email from my father yesterday. Subject line: “FWD: Trains”.
EPWordsnatcher+20
Truly, the essence of Dadness. (WHAT DID IT SAY?)
ejbaker13+13
He wanted to show me the poster that someone had made advocating one side of one of the local community controversies (involving trains carrying oil through the town), to see what I thought of the design.
osutein+39
Is your dad Mallory? and/or Ayn Rand?
thesecretherstory+96
Once I got an email from my grandad with the same subject line, and guess what was in it? A PowerPoint show of pictures of trains, the final slide bearing the words ‘going on a journey?’. No explanation. He just thought I should see it.
tinypaperme+6
I would love that, TBH.
drladybusiness+45
My dad’s most recent forwarded link was titled “What is the purpose of a poem?”
I am a literature professor.
madgehowlet+12
I love this. My dad recently sent me an article covering the Shakespeare authorship controversy, because this was Entirely! New! Information! for him. I then gave him my first-day Shakespeare survey mini-lecture on the authorship question because I am as weird and tedious as he is, just in a different direction.
emdash+7
This is the single dad-est thing that ever did dad. Magnificent.
msmuses+111
Oh, this is fantastic.
Re: “Bulk shopping!” One time I went to Costco with my parents and I was hanging back and chatting with my mum while my dad walked ahead with the cart. My mum starting walking at a rather fast clip and sort of hustling me along, so I gave her a what gives? face. Then I noticed her looking frantically at my father, who was moving on ahead, weaving in and out of aisles. “I don’t like to leave him alone here,” she confided, with hushed tones of dread and wild eyes. “You just… you never know.”
Bulk goods: the siren song for Dads?
Sean_Sullivan+93
Dad Magazine: still only $3.99! And if you subscribe, it works out to just $1.86 an issue! Why wouldn’t you subscribe, for crying out loud
EPWordsnatcher+7
The best deal of our time.
rebeccacsjanzen+9
I would actually subscribe to it, even if all it were was the cover.
projectbeks+56
My dad is full of useful ideas lately. I discovered the most recent one on my trip home in July. VELCRO ZIP TIES FOR CORDS. I casually mentioned that they were “pretty neat and handy” for keeping cluttery cords at bay. As I was packing to leave, he presented me with one. He was so pleased with himself. I fully expect a stocking full of these things at Christmas, probably in multiple colors. I love Dads.
winterbymorning+60
My dad once went on a business trip and brought back a brightly painted ceramic chicken for my mom. She said she really liked it. A few months later he had another business trip to that same location and came back with twelve brightly painted ceramic chickens (all different colours and patterns, though). “You loved the first one so much, I thought I would get you more!” Chickens all over the damn place. Then I made things worse by buying her an articulated wooden duck for her birthday.
EPWordsnatcher+13
TWELVE??
winterbymorning+108
SHE SAID SHE REALLY LIKED IT
SURELY THAT MEANS SHE WANTS AN INFINITE QUANTITY OF IT
EPWordsnatcher+27
DAD LOGIC.
brujaja+63
Last Christmas my dad’s contribution to the family gift exchange ($20 limit, “nice white elephant”) was a Costco bucket of 100 assorted size bungee cords. He was bewildered that it wasn’t the most coveted item. Bungee cords, so useful!
projectbeks+46
I just love how gleeful and expectant dads look when they give people things like that (and the ceramic chickens mentioned by winterbymorning). Like, “LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU ISN’T IT THE BEST THING EVER?? I’VE DONE SO WELL!!!” They’re just so happy with their discovery of A Useful Thing. It’s adorable.
EPWordsnatcher+61
Please note: you can swap out “dogs” for “dads” in this comment and it still works perfectly well and is delightfully true.
Beakses+6
The years where I ask for a useful thing as a present from my dad are the years he’s truly happy. The best part is I can come up with an idea of a useful thing and he’ll even do the research for me (works best for computer-y things like external harddrives. Or tools. He’s good at tools).
Unreadaethel+6
I asked my parents for a set of iron splitting wedges for firewood this past Christmas. Dad was SO HAPPY. He also told Grandpa, who was SO HAPPY. I wound up getting two wedges, an engineer’s hammer, work gloves, and a set of safety goggles.
cleo+2
This is awesome.
tinypaperme+2
I would love this, too.
cleo+20
My dad gives the most awesome useful gifts – and he’s always so proud of them. He’s given me thermal socks (“warmest socks you’ll ever wear”), a plastic spatula (“best spatula you’ll ever use – I left mine on the burner and it didn’t melt”), a toilet plunger (this was his house warming present after my husband and I bought our condo). My all time favorite dad gift is a shoe shine kit he put together for me, complete with one of his worn out cotton socks, cut in half (“best shoe shine rag you’ll ever use”).
Unreadaethel+3
I make sure to tell my dad when I use useful things he’s given me, like bungee cords, or the small furniture dolly he gave me two years ago when I happened to admire it while I was visiting. He appreciates hearing that.
keristars+39
NO LIE
my dad DID give us a set of multicolored velcro zip ties in our stockings about 5-6 years ago, when he discovered their handiness. all four of us kids got a set AND ALSO the dog, i guess as a joke? but then he went and used the ties to help organize the dog’s leashes and collars and such so *shrugs*
Beakses+6
My dad has a sailboat. He lives and dies by the velcro zip ties. The jumbo sized foam coated twist ties are also a favorite.
RoseCamelia+45
Everyone got rolls of black electrical tape one year, eons ago. About once a decade my parents ask if I have yet run out of black electrical tape. I still have the original roll, only slightly smaller than when new. Are they going to give me another if I ever use it all up?
Whenever anyone marries into the family, my parents give them a roll of black electrical tape. So they won’t feel left out. Since everyone else has one. You should have seen the look on my Beloved’s face that first Christmas. It was gift wrapped. He was worried it was some kind of insult or that he had failed some test. “No, Sweetheart; my parents are just very strange. Here’s the phone. Thank them for the tape and for including you in a tradition. No, the rest of us are just as confused.”
EPWordsnatcher+28
Are they going to give me another if I ever use it all up?
Yes, and they will give you two, actually–because you used that first one up so quickly!
blunderbusst+11
Oh gosh. Pleased Dad Look. I just got a little teary thinking about that. They love to help so much!
thisclimbingbean+2
Oh, wow. That is so endearing.
gripyfish+51
Bulk shopping in certain subsets of Dad may also extend to promotional goods from their own companies. My father once offered to send me some ice scrapers he’d just had printed with the name of his business (don’t ask; they also have branded pencils, jar lid openers, gel hand warmers, etc). I was expecting two. He sent twenty, with the note ‘HAND THEM OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS’.
Oh, Dads.
tragicallyludicrous+4
We’ve been passing around a branded gym bag from some law firm my dad did work with. I definitely remember him bringing back all kinds of fun things from conferences back when I was young.
Sarita+9
Since my sister and I were in elementary school my dad has been coming back from his industry-wide conventions with cheap pens, keychains, sticky notes and mugs with various companies’ logos on them, and passing them off as “gifts” he brought back for us. For years we believed him.
tinypaperme+3
My dad was forthright about having grabbed something at a product show or the twice-yearly “clean out your lab” day. I loved those days!
littlehuntingcreek+12
My stepmother had to start going to Costco with my dad to prevent purchases of products that were unnecessary, but such a bargain. I’m sure I’m not the only one here to have received Gifts from Costco…just because they were a great deal.
ramina+14
I very literally got a 3-pack of cutting boards yesterday because they were “only $13!” – but dang, I needed cutting boards, good psychic connection there dad!
MaxMarvel+3
A bread machine.
RoseCamelia+40
I know a man whose wife put him on cash-only at Costco. He still buys ridiculous stuff in absurd quantities, but he no longer wrecks the budget. She notates Costco purchases under “Entertainment, His”.
deleted1508189+4
One time I asked my parents to get me a pack of socks from Costco, and they came home with not one, but two huge packs of women’s ankle socks for me. A few months later, my dad mentions that he’s going to Costco and asks me if I need anything. “More socks?” “Oh yeah, sure, if there’s anything I need, it’s *more* socks.” So he bought two more packs. This was five years ago and I haven’t purchased ankle socks since.
anninyn+25
My husband is such a bargain hunter. And he makes dreadful jokes. Is he… Is he a dad?
(seriously, I had FIVE FULL MINUTES of puns about ‘Terns’ on saturday)
EPWordsnatcher+40
HE MAY BE.
Does he own a pair of dedicated lawn mowing shoes? Are they white tennis shoes, like all his other tennis shoes? If you say something along the lines of “I’m hungry,” does he reply with “Hi hungry, I’m [husband]!” What is his jeans situation? Dad Jeans are a thing. Has his fashion sense changed in any appreciable fashion in the past decade?
anninyn+1
1- we don’t have a lawn 2 – Yes 3 – He wears sexy jeans that show off his butt 4 – no
EPWordsnatcher+8
50% dadness!
GreenGrasses+35
My dude often points out that I should be looking at the unit price in the supermarket. Early Dad behavior.
popjunkie42+8
Oh god the unit price.
Unreadaethel+5
When I was little, unit price wasn’t a thing that the stores displayed, so my job was to calculate it and tell dad which thing was cheaper per oz.
mandarinmarie+29
My husband is definitely starting his slow mutation into A Dad–he makes horrible jokes but then yells “Dad jokes!” as a like get out of jail free card.
theharpoon+13
please share the tern puns??
anninyn+14
It started because we saw two Terns.
‘Those are really well-behaved terns. Hopefully they get a mate… one good tern deserves another!’
ANd went from there.
‘I’m surprised you aren’t joining in. Tern about is fair play!’ ‘It must nearly be your tern’. ‘You’re right, the building does look rather stern’.
‘I’m pretty sure there’s a seagull joke in here somehwere, but it might be pushing it. I just can’t tern the conversation in that direction.’ ‘I’m going to push you in the river,’ I say. ‘That might tern some heads’.
theharpoon+5
DAA-AAAAAAAAD
MuseKray+15
My mom is an honorary Dad when it comes to bulk shopping. In fact, when she goes out town my dad does a purge of all food that is beyond eating. They have so much stuff that my mom barely notices it when she comes back.
cavedueller+3
Yeah, my mom is definitely the dad of the household in this respect. When I visit, I can glance in the pantry and know exactly what Publix had a BOGO on in the past month or two.
evieskye+28
My dad would refuse to buy books (Francis, Cornwell, Grisham, et al) until they were available in paperback at Sam’s to ensure that he was getting the best deal possible (aka one step up from being remaindered)
Also we’d time our family Sams shopping to when they brought out fresh samples. No need to feed your kid lunch on Saturdays–the store will do that for you!
rachelrachel+5
I think my dad is Bernard Cornwell’s biggest fan. And when I was last home he HAD to tell me about how he pre-ordered his newest book and how astonished he was that it happened. Because he had to pay full price.
dakimel+22
Me: “I’m going to Costco, anyone need anything?”
My teen: “Are they going to have samples?”
Me: “Well, it’s Sunday, so: yes”
My teen: “Hang on, I’m coming with you.”
Sometimes I can actually motivate him to get his ass in gear re: weekend homework by dangling a Costco trip as a carrot. Of course, it also means he gets tetchy if I go without inviting him along.
thecoppertop+50
My family has collectively refused to go to Costco with my dad – he meticulously scans every aisle and it takes approximately 723209 hours to get him out of there.
What this does mean is that, in addition to anything he might have actually needed to buy, he’ll come home with bulk mustard(?), some shirts(???), and about 20 bars of Irish Spring.
SIDENOTE: one of the cutest things my dad has ever done was sheepishly say “….but I like it when you’re home” when I told him I was sure he was glad to be getting rid of me after another holiday. HEART: MELTED.
aqueousmedium+10
Oh god Irish Spring. One of the small joys of moving out on my own after high school was the freedom to buy non-deodorant soap.
mkpatter+6
I used to LOVE scouring every aisle at Costco with my Dad. Partly because he would buy his fries after, partly because we would make him buy those giant muffins, but still. LOVED IT.
logicbutton+70
“Just Thought I’d Start It Over” – Dubious Excuses For Shaving Your Beard For The First Time In 45 Years
(My dad did this last week and I saw him yesterday. Under the facial hair he is the spitting image of both his mother and his sister and I had NO IDEA. It is WEIRD and UNSETTLING and I DO NOT LIKE IT.)
ejbaker13+17
About five years ago my dad decide to go from Full Beard to Teddy Roosevelt Mustache. He refuses to listen to reason re: why this looks silly.
logicbutton+22
How could anything that makes him remind anyone of Teddy Roosevelt POSSIBLY be silly, HMMMMMMM, EJBAKER13? Didn’t think so. Score one, dad.
GenghisKat+67
Oh man, my whole life my dad had this big ol Abe Lincoln beard and then in high school he shaved it off one day unexpectedly. There I was in the laundry room, putting my stuff in the dryer when my dad rounded the corner all smooth faced and looking like a stranger: “Hey doll, I—” “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!” I screamed and threw laundry at him and slammed the laundry room door shut in a panic while beginning to process the fact this was not a jovial intruder.
logicbutton+88
The Long Game: Messing With Your Kids By Shaving The Beard They’ve Never Seen You Without
highfivesforall+10
augh I have no idea what I’d do if my dad shaved his beard – he has never not had a beard for my entire lifetime.
logicbutton+9
See, this is why I think it’s silly when you hear about a dude who like refuses to shave his beard until his team wins the sportsball championship or whatever and the news breathlessly reports that “his youngest child has never seen him without it!” This is not that unusual, and some men look wrong without beards.
winterbymorning+35
I feel that way about my dad’s mustache. It actually took me multiple viewings of our family photo albums to realize that the young clean-shaven guy was my dad before he started growing the mustache, because I couldn’t conceive of him existing separately from the mustache. I initially assumed the photos were of some distant relative I’d never met, until it occurred to me that (1) there was something familiar about him after all (2) in some of the photos he seemed to be awfully familiar with my mom.
rien à dire+44
My dad shaved his mustache when I was 2 and I wouldn’t even go near him until it grew back. That’ll learn ya, Dad!
logicbutton+36
That was the correct choice. I am 30 and have every intention of avoiding my dad until his beard grows back.
sednarea51+30
My dad did the same! Young Me started crying and wouldn’t go near him. YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE A WALRUS WITH GLASSES YOU AREN’T MY DAD
EPWordsnatcher+42
Only vaguely related:
sednarea51+16
clapping softly with delight at my keyboard right now.
thecoppertop+72
My dad shaved off his mustache once when I was 4, and when I asked where it went my mom sent me all over the house to look for it.
deleted7410012+21
yep. my dad has had a full beard and mustache my whole life (and well before i was born, too) and this year, he decided to just…dispense with the ‘stache? and just have a beard? like an amish man? I AM STILL SO CONFUSED, his upper lip, it’s so naked.
rebeccacsjanzen+3
according to one of my colleagues, a mennonite and an academic expert on mennonites, it’s not amish, it’s an old order mennonite beard, possibly a beachy amish beard. it is the opposite of the military (who at one time were only allowed to/had to have moustaches). being pacifists, this was the right choice. I am guessing from your name you are Jewish, so, I am confused why your dad would do this. The only commonality is that both groups are stereotyped for their thrifty ways?
deleted7410012+1
*shrugs*
my guess is that it had no religious significance, that he just disliked having to trim it so he wouldn’t get food in it, and would always trim it crooked, and so thought, eh, who needs it? (me, i need it, for him to look like my dad again ughhhh)
rebeccacsjanzen+2
that is probably why my colleague did it too, but he covered it up with academic/religious words.
regularmegan+10
I have never seen my dad without facial hair. My mother has never seen him without facial hair (married 30 some odd years). We always joke about him shaving it off, but it would so be incredibly unsettling. Shudder.
logicbutton+5
Yup, all of this was true for us too until last week. Except the shaving jokes, because the idea of my dad without his beard was no joke. YOU NEVER KNOW.
thisclimbingbean+3
Yeah, my dad did that about ten years ago, when he was in his early 60s. He grew it when my oldest sibling was two, so none of us remembered him without it. The first time I saw him ‘naked’, I told him I didn’t like it. ‘People tell me it makes me look younger,’ he replied. ‘They’re just being polite,’ I told him.
Lisa_McIntire+118
I think you all need to know that my Dad posted that photo to Facebook with the caption, “Cooking paella for my tennis gang.”
You are welcome.
Marizane+21
My mom did acctually manage to impress her brother (who qualifies as both a Dad and a Rich Uncle) via the finding of a deal through which the combination of a sale and a coupon resulted in them receiving money for purchasing them, something on the order of 30 to 50 cents per light bulb purchased. He still talks about it sometimes.
emjbee+39
“My dad shaved off his mustache once when I was 4, and when I asked where it went my mom sent me all over the house to look for it.”
That was a very Dad thing for your mother to do.
Mike_B+10
Is a mushroom farm a good Dad Thing? I’ll probably do it anyway, I just want to know.
alicia+4
I would say yes, particularly if your dad likes science, gardening and/or cooking.
Carrie+2
I got my dad a portobello mushroom kit in a box for Christmas last year and he loved it. He loves science, gardening, and cooking, and he and I are the only ones in the family that like mushrooms. Every time I went over for the next couple months, he’d fry up some fresh portobellos. So mushroom farm for dad, yes.
sednarea51+15
I just realized there’s a picture of my dad somewhere holding an atrocious sculpture he and Mom bought at a church auction as a gag gift. I might have to find that and try to pester Dad into becoming a Dad Magazine cover model.
mandarinmarie+1
Mine is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for, and literally the best thing I ever got him was a sculpture that I bought when my local hardware store had a hardware-themed art show (VERY weird but pretty awesome–they kind of hid it in their shelves so you’d happen across a piece while you were shopping). It’s a hammer with a wooden handle, and the handle has tacks beaten into it like that guy pinhead. He displays it in his woodshop.
alex+10
It’s tradition to text my dad with a report every time I go to Costco. “Everything still averaged out to $10, the samples were really great this week.”
lorannen+12
Shopping Guide: How to find all the bizarrely-specific items on your kid’s list of required school supplies.
Just today I sent my dad a pic of my daughter. His response: “That is a photo that could go viral. I just don’t know how something like that starts online.”
ColdNorthernToast+27
The last best time I went school clothes shopping with my dad: “You like this shirt? It fits? Get 5.” With the exception of a Bongo skirt an aunt had bought me once when I was 12, I’d never, NEVER owned a pair of “name-brand” jeans. It all changed on Dad School Clothes Shopping Day of Wonderment. “You like those jeans? They fit? Get 5.” Levi’s. LEVI’S! Thanks for being out of town that week, mom. Sigh.
Mal+8
I fail to see the humor in this. Do you have any idea of the value of anything? I think the reason we no longer have a Sam’s Club membership is because I wanted to stockpile toilet paper and my wife let our membership lapse. Really? In the event of an Armageddon, do you have ANY idea how value a roll of Charmin would be? We’d be freaking millionaires over night.
I hadn’t thought of storing it in the attic–that’s brilliant. And it could be instant flotation gear in the event of a flood. I’ll bet those Katrina & Sandi victims wish they’d thought of that.
–Dad
revengeofpompom+1
As far as the attic thing, I am sure my dad is thinking along the lines of “why not keep one million rolls of paper towels and toilet paper in the attic? It’s just unused space! And if you have a big spill and need a paper towel, all you have to do is run upstairs, pull down the door to the attic, unfold the attic stairs, climb up, root around in the (scary dark) attic and find your roll of towels! What’s the problem?”
mandarinmarie+7
There are a lot of Tall Ships in Baltimore right now as part of the 200th anniversary of the Star-Spangled Banner. Lots of chatter among my group on Saturday about whether model trains or Tall Ships were Dad-ier.
lwillicombe+14
Dads will never be impressed with how much you saved. You could have saved more.
Ugh, lines like that make me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
BookishBroad
Dads will never be impressed with how much you saved. You could have saved more.
Ugh, lines like that make me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Jillian+20
OK I’m SO GLAD this is here because I want to share this with someone who will appreciate it. My dad is a gearhead. My best friend’s dad is not. Recently, my friend’s dad bought himself a mid life crisis motorcycle, and decided to show it to my dad.
MY MOM: Is it nice? MY DAD: [long pause] …for half a Harley. It’s a Sportster, honey. Well, he got a lot for his money
ice cold dad burns LMAO
mandarinmarie+3
This is amazing.
cleo+19
Yay. I was just wondering when the next Dad Magazine would appear.
And now I can share this – recently I remembered my dad’s very dad-like dating advice to my 19 year old self, when I was all sad and heartbroken over some guy – “Cleo, just because you tend to only date losers, doesn’t mean that all men are losers.” Classic dad comment – completely on the money and yet not that helpful.
cleo+6
My dad still talks about going to some early bird sale (at Walmart? maybe?) to buy a half price sewing machine for my mom. The store opened super early and they arrived when the doors opened – it wasn’t Black Friday but it was something like that. Their cashier was half asleep and bleary eyed – she told my dad that she had to get up while it was still DARK outside. My dad thought that was the funniest thing ever.
Amphora
Count my vote for Tall Ships – highlight of my dad's summer last year was getting a tour of a Tall Ship.
Madge Howlet
I love this. My dad recently sent me an article covering the Shakespeare authorship controversy, because this was Entirely! New! Information! for him. I then gave him my first-day Shakespeare survey mini-lecture on the authorship question because I am as weird and tedious as he is, just in a different direction.
betsymore+30
ACTUAL EMAIL I received this morning:
Subject: Ken Burns Roosevelt PBS series fascinating to me. Body: Dad
rachelrachel+4
Yes. A thousand times yes.
Elyse
My dad has holiday-specific Hawaiian shirts. They are all he wears now that he is retired, and his wardrobe is FULL of them.
My favorite is the one with Santa pulling the sleigh.
dahveednotdavid+13
My family and I are creating a DAD MAGAZINE for my father for a Christmas present. Current article/questionnaires include:
“A Guide to Identifying the ‘Good Grass.'” “Are you complaining enough about the weather? Take our quiz!” “When should you mow the grass?” “Is your weedeater really broken? How to tell if your kid is really just trying to get out of chores.” “Dear Dad” (a “Dear Abby” for Dad Magazine) “The Empty Nest Syndrome: Replacing your kids with appropriate pets.”
And others, but these are my current favorites.
And a bonus maze: “Find the shortest way through town!”
Thank you, Jaya, Matt, Mallory, and Nicole, for inspiring such a great gift for my father!
azure+4
this is the sweetest idea!
bookwormV
My dad used to be a plainclothes police officer, in the Surveillance unit – as this involved following people, he needed to dress in a fairly unobtrusive manner. He took early retirement a few years ago and now wears brightly-coloured floral shirts a lot.
BULK SHOPPING
given the amount of time my brother spent talking about Costco when I was visiting him I think he might be a premature Dad
The bulk shopping…oh God. “These tomato sauces were buy three, get two free, so now we have 10!” or, worse: “If you buy 7 of these, you get a gift card to [restaurant no one in the family likes]! Do you want this gift card?”
this is exactly why my mom has forbidden my dad from getting a Costo membership — she is certain our attic and garage will be filled with dozens of rolls of paper towels and whatnot.
“It’s not like they’re going to go bad!”
Ohh, my dad recently discovered Costco, and he is in heaven. The family will never run out of toilet paper or giant bags of Chex Mix again.
My dad doesn’t bulk shop, but he is powerless to resist any 2 for $4 or 3 for $5 deal at the grocery store – including deals for products that the family has never used and never will.
Yes! My stepfather as well. He will in fact buy things he KNOWS he hates because it’s “such a good deal.” HOW
My dad’s Dadness is exacerbated by the fact that he grew up on a farm in Montana. So not only does he buy based on price per unit, he shops for a family of 6 who might get snowed into their house and be unable to get to town for 3 months. DAD IT’S JUST YOU AND MOM, STOP THAT.
Oh, there’s no thinly veiling ANY delight that we are all finally out of my parents’ house.
No kidding. My dad and stepmom converted my room to a yoga studio the week I moved out. I think they might also have referred to it as “the yoga room” for a while before I even left, but I can’t remember for sure.
My mother was sad for a day after my sister and I moved out. The following day, she began redecorating so we couldn’t move back in. My sister’s old bedroom is now a sunroom, and my old bedroom is now my mother’s home office. (It contains a sofabed, which is her sole concession to the idea of us coming back for a few days to visit.)
My parents moved to Vermont the weekend after my younger brother graduated from high school.
When I was a kid I would try to appeal to my dad’s love of saving money by saying, “Look, this Barbie is on sale, so you would save 25% if you bought it for me now!” and he would inevitably reply, “Yes, but instead I’m saving 100% by not buying you anything :D”
I feel like this is the place where I need to mention that my sister and I kept our Ken doll under the bed in our Barbie dorm room / apartment playset, and we only brought him out to have sex with the Barbies, and then we put him back under the bed again.
Also, when we decided we needed a second sex friend, we drew a mustache on our Marie Osmond doll and called it good.
ETA: Maybe this was a totally inappropriate place to share this.
Maybe this was the PERFECT place to share this.
Costco is my dad’s favourite store. He buys my mom gifts there (like the enormous fake-copper clock for the patio). He once bought a 5-gallon bucket full of “emergency food” that he keeps in the basement for….what, exactly? WHO KNOWS. One of my friend’s dads is the same, and once she went to their house and her dad asked “Do you need any lemon juice?” and whipped a gallon jug of lemon juice from a cupboard and put it in her car for her. “We have five so take one!”
My husband is slowly starting to get the bulk shopping bug, too. He wants to look at EVERYTHING in Costco, just in case. Why??? Are you suddenly going to need a pack of 10 mittens?
My mom and dad both ADORE the new Costco here. They buy very specific things, including detergent (laundry and dish), my dad’s anti-snore nose strips, razor blades, Famous Amos cookies, and toilet paper. Going to Costco is the highlight of their day and possibly their week.
A gallon of lemon juice is too much lemon juice.
FAR too much. It would turn into lemon vinegar long before anyone could use it up.
At MOST you need two tablespoons of lemon juice in a recipe. How does one measure a single tablespoon from a gallon jug? I ask you.
And if I have a recipe that needs more lemon juice than that (lemon curd comes to mind), it’s clearly going to play a big enough role in the dish that I want good, fresh-squeezed juice, and not years-old Gallon Jug Juice.
Maybe you could freeze the lemon juice in smaller portions and just thaw a couple of cups at a time?
It’s just the right amount of lemon juice for throwing into the eyes of your enemies, though.
When I was visiting my ex-pat friend in Australia, we went with his parents to the brand new Costco that had just opened up because there were rumors that they carried American products that you couldn’t get anywhere else. It was like stepping into a temporal vortex because it was laid out EXACTLY like the Costco in my hometown, and the look of sheer joy on my friend’s face that hadn’t had a bag of Ruffles in twelve years was unforgettable.
All hail Costco and the fact that you can eat at the food court and use the pharmacy even if you aren’t a member!
And the living wage they pay to their employees!
EMERGENCY FOOD. Just a bucket full of something labeled that. I’m terrified.
It’s one of those “ration buckets” where it has like, rice and shelf-stable goods and Sterno and ugh. Ugh.
“Emergency Food” = the Lean Cuisine you bought on a whim, remembered you don’t like, and now keep in the freezer at work just in case you forget your lunch someday even though you know you’ll walk to the Subway ½ mile away in the rain instead of ever eating it.
When the apocalypse hits, dads will be prepared, goshdarnit. The post-apocalyptic world will be full of dads.
When dads die, they go to Costco. Next time you’re in Costco, look for them. Out of the corner of your eye, you’ll glimpse middle-aged men wearing worn-out NFL sweatshirts, baggy jeans, and loafers wandering the aisles sans cart, a joyful look on their faces and at least three free samples in one hand, and a discount DVD of INDEPENDENCE DAY (“it sounds so good on the subwoofer” say the whispers) in the other. If you try to look directly at them, they will vanish in a puff of Old Spice. Do not be troubled, for they are in paradise and their bliss is enough.
<3
<3
<3
maybe the best dad magazine comment ever made.
This coverdad is SO happy to be grilling enough vegetables to feed an army. He’s clearly having a hard time adjusting to the kids being out of the house.
I think he’s making paella…..now I want paella.
Does this magazine have a joke section with all Dad jokes? Like if your adult child asks you to pass her any kind of cheese product and you say “Hey man! That’s nacho cheese!”
Or maybe when she asks you what time it is and you reply with “time for all old dogs to be dead – aren’t you glad you’re a pup?”
There are actual, real grandma magazines that do this, so I hope so.
Oh my god, where are these magazines.
I’ve never heard that second one and am mildly horrified.
It’s actually kind of horrifying now that I think about it? Weird…I’ve heard it so many times, it’s lost all meaning!
The Dad answer I’ve always heard to “What time is it?” is “Time to get a watch!” and/or “Hair past a freckle!” or something along those lines. Dog death never entered into it.
My dad will occasionally mix it up with *glances at non-watch having arm* “It’s about skin-thirty”.
Hair past a freckle, Eastern Elbow Time! Yes!
My dad just holds up his watch arm (upside down) and makes me read it.
My dad’s favorite was this one: “Hey Dad, what’s that movie about?” “About 2 hours.” “What’s your book about?” “Oh, about 300 pages.”
I carry on this highly annoying tradition with my daughter.
As you should.
“Half past the monkey’s ass and quarter past his knee.” <- My mother’s answer. Sub in “balls” for “knee” as needed to achieve maximum crabbiness.
“Hey, Dad!” “Hay is for cows and mules and I don’t see YOU chewing”
I find myself using this occasionally and get the most confused looks.
“Hay is for horses” is my dad’s autoresponse on that. He could be communicating only with eye blinks and if someone said “Hey” he would start spelling out H-A-Y I-S F-O-R H-O-R-S-E-S
In my family, it was always “Hay is for horses, and cows are cheaper.” Rural Pennsylvania, man…
“Hay is for horses, not for people”– and if we were feeling particularly saucy, “…and pigs like you”
Oh god, western PA’s dialect consists entirely of dad jokes.
In suburban MA, the answer is “Hay is for horses, better for cows,” which in retrospect makes no sense at all.
“Dad, is today Monday?” “All day if it doesn’t rain.” I still don’t get it but I have to bite my tongue from saying it myself!
But it’s still Monday when it’s raining! This joke has always annoyed me. I’m bad at jokes.
I have a dad-level adoration for bulk shopping. Anyone who lives in an urban area and shares my devotion, try Boxed. You can order a 30-pack of toilet paper (large enough to double as a flotation device in the event of hurricane or flood) on your phone and get it delivered straight to your apartment in two days!
BUT THEN WHERE DO YOU PUT IT??? /sobs tragically as she evaluates her lack of closet space
I really WANT to pay $40 for a notebook (it’s handmade and VELVET), but I won’t.
when I was in NYC I went into a fancy stationary store and really couldn’t justify spending $40 on a leather notebook but God how I wanted to
….I just spent $58 on a notebook from japan and REFUSE to tell my dad because he will FREAK (also I just transferred him the monthly payment for my phone, since we got it on his plan, and he was like ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN AFFORD IT THIS MONTH? which he asks every month even though when i bought the thing i told him i made sure the monthly payments would be less than i could afford, so i could pay it off faster or have some buffer if something happened JUST LIKE HE TAUGHT ME)
but it’s the most amazing paper in the world and really good quality agendas/planners can be even MORE expensive and a big chunk of the cost was just shipping it EMS from Chiba to Florida, and there are two things i indulge myself with: monthly day trips to WDW and stationery goods, and I forwent my September day trip to buy the thing.
ps: it is the Hobonichi Techo and i got my 2014 one free in a web giveaway and it really is like some shady dude being all “the first hit is free!” http://www.1101.com/store/techo/
Japanese stationary is so fucking good though. Totally worth it. I almost spent $10 on a pen from Japan. It was polka dots (!!!) and like, a beautiful fine point like I like, finer than any pen I’ve ever seen here. Uh…I may still go and buy it eventually.
you SHOULD $10 is an amazing price for a great pen!
I won’t tell you what I spend on mine but I’m very cheap/frugal about pens and my preference is for fountain pens, so… the last one I bought is some cheapie from China via eBay and it was only $7 and is baby blue with white polka dots and soooo cute. So I understand. I understand completely.
I’m trying to convince JetPens to import the Sailor Clear Candy Dots fountain pens that have a super fine point and dot/lady bug designs so I can buy them for less than $30 each.
Cute + well-designed stationery items = my downfall. why are the high quality Western ones so fussy and formal looking? i need to take a trip to Japan and Korea with an empty suitcase just for stationery things.
If you’re ever in Tokyo, go to Loft in Ikkebukuro. The entire 11th floor is stationary. It is amazing.
Dad of the Month, what are you cooking? Is the recipe included? I want to eat that!
BAH. “Recipes.” DADS DON’T FOLLOW RECIPES, THEY JUST CUT THINGS UP AND THROW THEM ON THE GRILL/IN A WOK/ON THE STOVE. (Maybe just my dad?)
Not just your dad. Preach.
Recipes are for losers. Dads don’t need recipes!
The recipe for everything is as follows: “slice up some onion, throw it in the skillet with a stick of butter!”
Add diced vegetables (whatever’s in refrigerator), crack an egg over it, and call it scrambled eggs. Serve in a giant microwavable bowl and eat on recliner while watching TV.
All of my Dad’s recipes involve throwing everything in a dish with tomato sauce and putting it in the oven. About 75% of meals are chicken breasts, veggies, tomato sauce, and bread crumbs on top. Now that he’s retired and my Mom’s still working that is every night for them.
Paella, it looks like!
I received an email from my father yesterday. Subject line: “FWD: Trains”.
Truly, the essence of Dadness. (WHAT DID IT SAY?)
He wanted to show me the poster that someone had made advocating one side of one of the local community controversies (involving trains carrying oil through the town), to see what I thought of the design.
Is your dad Mallory? and/or Ayn Rand?
Once I got an email from my grandad with the same subject line, and guess what was in it? A PowerPoint show of pictures of trains, the final slide bearing the words ‘going on a journey?’. No explanation. He just thought I should see it.
I would love that, TBH.
My dad’s most recent forwarded link was titled “What is the purpose of a poem?”
I am a literature professor.
I love this. My dad recently sent me an article covering the Shakespeare authorship controversy, because this was Entirely! New! Information! for him. I then gave him my first-day Shakespeare survey mini-lecture on the authorship question because I am as weird and tedious as he is, just in a different direction.
This is the single dad-est thing that ever did dad. Magnificent.
Oh, this is fantastic.
Re: “Bulk shopping!” One time I went to Costco with my parents and I was hanging back and chatting with my mum while my dad walked ahead with the cart. My mum starting walking at a rather fast clip and sort of hustling me along, so I gave her a what gives? face. Then I noticed her looking frantically at my father, who was moving on ahead, weaving in and out of aisles. “I don’t like to leave him alone here,” she confided, with hushed tones of dread and wild eyes. “You just… you never know.”
Bulk goods: the siren song for Dads?
Dad Magazine: still only $3.99! And if you subscribe, it works out to just $1.86 an issue! Why wouldn’t you subscribe, for crying out loud
The best deal of our time.
I would actually subscribe to it, even if all it were was the cover.
My dad is full of useful ideas lately. I discovered the most recent one on my trip home in July. VELCRO ZIP TIES FOR CORDS. I casually mentioned that they were “pretty neat and handy” for keeping cluttery cords at bay. As I was packing to leave, he presented me with one. He was so pleased with himself. I fully expect a stocking full of these things at Christmas, probably in multiple colors. I love Dads.
My dad once went on a business trip and brought back a brightly painted ceramic chicken for my mom. She said she really liked it. A few months later he had another business trip to that same location and came back with twelve brightly painted ceramic chickens (all different colours and patterns, though). “You loved the first one so much, I thought I would get you more!” Chickens all over the damn place. Then I made things worse by buying her an articulated wooden duck for her birthday.
TWELVE??
SHE SAID SHE REALLY LIKED IT
SURELY THAT MEANS SHE WANTS AN INFINITE QUANTITY OF IT
DAD LOGIC.
Last Christmas my dad’s contribution to the family gift exchange ($20 limit, “nice white elephant”) was a Costco bucket of 100 assorted size bungee cords. He was bewildered that it wasn’t the most coveted item. Bungee cords, so useful!
I just love how gleeful and expectant dads look when they give people things like that (and the ceramic chickens mentioned by winterbymorning). Like, “LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU ISN’T IT THE BEST THING EVER?? I’VE DONE SO WELL!!!” They’re just so happy with their discovery of A Useful Thing. It’s adorable.
Please note: you can swap out “dogs” for “dads” in this comment and it still works perfectly well and is delightfully true.
The years where I ask for a useful thing as a present from my dad are the years he’s truly happy. The best part is I can come up with an idea of a useful thing and he’ll even do the research for me (works best for computer-y things like external harddrives. Or tools. He’s good at tools).
I asked my parents for a set of iron splitting wedges for firewood this past Christmas. Dad was SO HAPPY. He also told Grandpa, who was SO HAPPY. I wound up getting two wedges, an engineer’s hammer, work gloves, and a set of safety goggles.
This is awesome.
I would love this, too.
My dad gives the most awesome useful gifts – and he’s always so proud of them. He’s given me thermal socks (“warmest socks you’ll ever wear”), a plastic spatula (“best spatula you’ll ever use – I left mine on the burner and it didn’t melt”), a toilet plunger (this was his house warming present after my husband and I bought our condo). My all time favorite dad gift is a shoe shine kit he put together for me, complete with one of his worn out cotton socks, cut in half (“best shoe shine rag you’ll ever use”).
I make sure to tell my dad when I use useful things he’s given me, like bungee cords, or the small furniture dolly he gave me two years ago when I happened to admire it while I was visiting. He appreciates hearing that.
NO LIE
my dad DID give us a set of multicolored velcro zip ties in our stockings about 5-6 years ago, when he discovered their handiness. all four of us kids got a set AND ALSO the dog, i guess as a joke? but then he went and used the ties to help organize the dog’s leashes and collars and such so *shrugs*
My dad has a sailboat. He lives and dies by the velcro zip ties. The jumbo sized foam coated twist ties are also a favorite.
Everyone got rolls of black electrical tape one year, eons ago. About once a decade my parents ask if I have yet run out of black electrical tape. I still have the original roll, only slightly smaller than when new. Are they going to give me another if I ever use it all up?
Whenever anyone marries into the family, my parents give them a roll of black electrical tape. So they won’t feel left out. Since everyone else has one. You should have seen the look on my Beloved’s face that first Christmas. It was gift wrapped. He was worried it was some kind of insult or that he had failed some test. “No, Sweetheart; my parents are just very strange. Here’s the phone. Thank them for the tape and for including you in a tradition. No, the rest of us are just as confused.”
Are they going to give me another if I ever use it all up?
Yes, and they will give you two, actually–because you used that first one up so quickly!
Oh gosh. Pleased Dad Look. I just got a little teary thinking about that. They love to help so much!
Oh, wow. That is so endearing.
Bulk shopping in certain subsets of Dad may also extend to promotional goods from their own companies. My father once offered to send me some ice scrapers he’d just had printed with the name of his business (don’t ask; they also have branded pencils, jar lid openers, gel hand warmers, etc). I was expecting two. He sent twenty, with the note ‘HAND THEM OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS’.
Oh, Dads.
We’ve been passing around a branded gym bag from some law firm my dad did work with. I definitely remember him bringing back all kinds of fun things from conferences back when I was young.
Since my sister and I were in elementary school my dad has been coming back from his industry-wide conventions with cheap pens, keychains, sticky notes and mugs with various companies’ logos on them, and passing them off as “gifts” he brought back for us. For years we believed him.
My dad was forthright about having grabbed something at a product show or the twice-yearly “clean out your lab” day. I loved those days!
My stepmother had to start going to Costco with my dad to prevent purchases of products that were unnecessary, but such a bargain.
I’m sure I’m not the only one here to have received Gifts from Costco…just because they were a great deal.
I very literally got a 3-pack of cutting boards yesterday because they were “only $13!” – but dang, I needed cutting boards, good psychic connection there dad!
A bread machine.
I know a man whose wife put him on cash-only at Costco. He still buys ridiculous stuff in absurd quantities, but he no longer wrecks the budget. She notates Costco purchases under “Entertainment, His”.
One time I asked my parents to get me a pack of socks from Costco, and they came home with not one, but two huge packs of women’s ankle socks for me. A few months later, my dad mentions that he’s going to Costco and asks me if I need anything. “More socks?”
“Oh yeah, sure, if there’s anything I need, it’s *more* socks.”
So he bought two more packs.
This was five years ago and I haven’t purchased ankle socks since.
My husband is such a bargain hunter. And he makes dreadful jokes. Is he… Is he a dad?
(seriously, I had FIVE FULL MINUTES of puns about ‘Terns’ on saturday)
HE MAY BE.
Does he own a pair of dedicated lawn mowing shoes? Are they white tennis shoes, like all his other tennis shoes?
If you say something along the lines of “I’m hungry,” does he reply with “Hi hungry, I’m [husband]!”
What is his jeans situation? Dad Jeans are a thing.
Has his fashion sense changed in any appreciable fashion in the past decade?
1- we don’t have a lawn
2 – Yes
3 – He wears sexy jeans that show off his butt
4 – no
50% dadness!
My dude often points out that I should be looking at the unit price in the supermarket. Early Dad behavior.
Oh god the unit price.
When I was little, unit price wasn’t a thing that the stores displayed, so my job was to calculate it and tell dad which thing was cheaper per oz.
My husband is definitely starting his slow mutation into A Dad–he makes horrible jokes but then yells “Dad jokes!” as a like get out of jail free card.
please share the tern puns??
It started because we saw two Terns.
‘Those are really well-behaved terns. Hopefully they get a mate… one good tern deserves another!’
ANd went from there.
‘I’m surprised you aren’t joining in. Tern about is fair play!’ ‘It must nearly be your tern’. ‘You’re right, the building does look rather stern’.
‘I’m pretty sure there’s a seagull joke in here somehwere, but it might be pushing it. I just can’t tern the conversation in that direction.’
‘I’m going to push you in the river,’ I say.
‘That might tern some heads’.
DAA-AAAAAAAAD
My mom is an honorary Dad when it comes to bulk shopping. In fact, when she goes out town my dad does a purge of all food that is beyond eating. They have so much stuff that my mom barely notices it when she comes back.
Yeah, my mom is definitely the dad of the household in this respect. When I visit, I can glance in the pantry and know exactly what Publix had a BOGO on in the past month or two.
My dad would refuse to buy books (Francis, Cornwell, Grisham, et al) until they were available in paperback at Sam’s to ensure that he was getting the best deal possible (aka one step up from being remaindered)
Also we’d time our family Sams shopping to when they brought out fresh samples. No need to feed your kid lunch on Saturdays–the store will do that for you!
I think my dad is Bernard Cornwell’s biggest fan. And when I was last home he HAD to tell me about how he pre-ordered his newest book and how astonished he was that it happened. Because he had to pay full price.
Me: “I’m going to Costco, anyone need anything?”
My teen: “Are they going to have samples?”
Me: “Well, it’s Sunday, so: yes”
My teen: “Hang on, I’m coming with you.”
Sometimes I can actually motivate him to get his ass in gear re: weekend homework by dangling a Costco trip as a carrot. Of course, it also means he gets tetchy if I go without inviting him along.
My family has collectively refused to go to Costco with my dad – he meticulously scans every aisle and it takes approximately 723209 hours to get him out of there.
What this does mean is that, in addition to anything he might have actually needed to buy, he’ll come home with bulk mustard(?), some shirts(???), and about 20 bars of Irish Spring.
SIDENOTE: one of the cutest things my dad has ever done was sheepishly say “….but I like it when you’re home” when I told him I was sure he was glad to be getting rid of me after another holiday. HEART: MELTED.
Oh god Irish Spring. One of the small joys of moving out on my own after high school was the freedom to buy non-deodorant soap.
I used to LOVE scouring every aisle at Costco with my Dad. Partly because he would buy his fries after, partly because we would make him buy those giant muffins, but still. LOVED IT.
“Just Thought I’d Start It Over” – Dubious Excuses For Shaving Your Beard For The First Time In 45 Years
(My dad did this last week and I saw him yesterday. Under the facial hair he is the spitting image of both his mother and his sister and I had NO IDEA. It is WEIRD and UNSETTLING and I DO NOT LIKE IT.)
About five years ago my dad decide to go from Full Beard to Teddy Roosevelt Mustache. He refuses to listen to reason re: why this looks silly.
How could anything that makes him remind anyone of Teddy Roosevelt POSSIBLY be silly, HMMMMMMM, EJBAKER13? Didn’t think so. Score one, dad.
Oh man, my whole life my dad had this big ol Abe Lincoln beard and then in high school he shaved it off one day unexpectedly. There I was in the laundry room, putting my stuff in the dryer when my dad rounded the corner all smooth faced and looking like a stranger: “Hey doll, I—”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!” I screamed and threw laundry at him and slammed the laundry room door shut in a panic while beginning to process the fact this was not a jovial intruder.
The Long Game: Messing With Your Kids By Shaving The Beard They’ve Never Seen You Without
augh I have no idea what I’d do if my dad shaved his beard – he has never not had a beard for my entire lifetime.
See, this is why I think it’s silly when you hear about a dude who like refuses to shave his beard until his team wins the sportsball championship or whatever and the news breathlessly reports that “his youngest child has never seen him without it!” This is not that unusual, and some men look wrong without beards.
I feel that way about my dad’s mustache. It actually took me multiple viewings of our family photo albums to realize that the young clean-shaven guy was my dad before he started growing the mustache, because I couldn’t conceive of him existing separately from the mustache. I initially assumed the photos were of some distant relative I’d never met, until it occurred to me that (1) there was something familiar about him after all (2) in some of the photos he seemed to be awfully familiar with my mom.
My dad shaved his mustache when I was 2 and I wouldn’t even go near him until it grew back. That’ll learn ya, Dad!
That was the correct choice. I am 30 and have every intention of avoiding my dad until his beard grows back.
My dad did the same! Young Me started crying and wouldn’t go near him. YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE A WALRUS WITH GLASSES YOU AREN’T MY DAD
Only vaguely related:
clapping softly with delight at my keyboard right now.
My dad shaved off his mustache once when I was 4, and when I asked where it went my mom sent me all over the house to look for it.
yep. my dad has had a full beard and mustache my whole life (and well before i was born, too) and this year, he decided to just…dispense with the ‘stache? and just have a beard? like an amish man? I AM STILL SO CONFUSED, his upper lip, it’s so naked.
according to one of my colleagues, a mennonite and an academic expert on mennonites, it’s not amish, it’s an old order mennonite beard, possibly a beachy amish beard. it is the opposite of the military (who at one time were only allowed to/had to have moustaches). being pacifists, this was the right choice. I am guessing from your name you are Jewish, so, I am confused why your dad would do this. The only commonality is that both groups are stereotyped for their thrifty ways?
*shrugs*
my guess is that it had no religious significance, that he just disliked having to trim it so he wouldn’t get food in it, and would always trim it crooked, and so thought, eh, who needs it? (me, i need it, for him to look like my dad again ughhhh)
that is probably why my colleague did it too, but he covered it up with academic/religious words.
I have never seen my dad without facial hair. My mother has never seen him without facial hair (married 30 some odd years). We always joke about him shaving it off, but it would so be incredibly unsettling. Shudder.
Yup, all of this was true for us too until last week. Except the shaving jokes, because the idea of my dad without his beard was no joke. YOU NEVER KNOW.
Yeah, my dad did that about ten years ago, when he was in his early 60s. He grew it when my oldest sibling was two, so none of us remembered him without it. The first time I saw him ‘naked’, I told him I didn’t like it. ‘People tell me it makes me look younger,’ he replied. ‘They’re just being polite,’ I told him.
I think you all need to know that my Dad posted that photo to Facebook with the caption, “Cooking paella for my tennis gang.”
You are welcome.
My mom did acctually manage to impress her brother (who qualifies as both a Dad and a Rich Uncle) via the finding of a deal through which the combination of a sale and a coupon resulted in them receiving money for purchasing them, something on the order of 30 to 50 cents per light bulb purchased. He still talks about it sometimes.
“My dad shaved off his mustache once when I was 4, and when I asked where it went my mom sent me all over the house to look for it.”
That was a very Dad thing for your mother to do.
Is a mushroom farm a good Dad Thing? I’ll probably do it anyway, I just want to know.
I would say yes, particularly if your dad likes science, gardening and/or cooking.
I got my dad a portobello mushroom kit in a box for Christmas last year and he loved it. He loves science, gardening, and cooking, and he and I are the only ones in the family that like mushrooms. Every time I went over for the next couple months, he’d fry up some fresh portobellos. So mushroom farm for dad, yes.
I just realized there’s a picture of my dad somewhere holding an atrocious sculpture he and Mom bought at a church auction as a gag gift. I might have to find that and try to pester Dad into becoming a Dad Magazine cover model.
Mine is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for, and literally the best thing I ever got him was a sculpture that I bought when my local hardware store had a hardware-themed art show (VERY weird but pretty awesome–they kind of hid it in their shelves so you’d happen across a piece while you were shopping). It’s a hammer with a wooden handle, and the handle has tacks beaten into it like that guy pinhead. He displays it in his woodshop.
It’s tradition to text my dad with a report every time I go to Costco. “Everything still averaged out to $10, the samples were really great this week.”
Shopping Guide: How to find all the bizarrely-specific items on your kid’s list of required school supplies.
“Non-wax-based crayons”
“Shrinking putty”
“1.5-ply tissues”
“Aerosolized glue”
“8.7mm binder ring divider reinforcers”
“Gum”
Just today I sent my dad a pic of my daughter. His response: “That is a photo that could go viral. I just don’t know how something like that starts online.”
The last best time I went school clothes shopping with my dad: “You like this shirt? It fits? Get 5.” With the exception of a Bongo skirt an aunt had bought me once when I was 12, I’d never, NEVER owned a pair of “name-brand” jeans. It all changed on Dad School Clothes Shopping Day of Wonderment. “You like those jeans? They fit? Get 5.” Levi’s. LEVI’S! Thanks for being out of town that week, mom. Sigh.
I fail to see the humor in this. Do you have any idea of the value of anything? I think the reason we no longer have a Sam’s Club membership is because I wanted to stockpile toilet paper and my wife let our membership lapse. Really? In the event of an Armageddon, do you have ANY idea how value a roll of Charmin would be? We’d be freaking millionaires over night.
I hadn’t thought of storing it in the attic–that’s brilliant. And it could be instant flotation gear in the event of a flood. I’ll bet those Katrina & Sandi victims wish they’d thought of that.
–Dad
As far as the attic thing, I am sure my dad is thinking along the lines of “why not keep one million rolls of paper towels and toilet paper in the attic? It’s just unused space! And if you have a big spill and need a paper towel, all you have to do is run upstairs, pull down the door to the attic, unfold the attic stairs, climb up, root around in the (scary dark) attic and find your roll of towels! What’s the problem?”
There are a lot of Tall Ships in Baltimore right now as part of the 200th anniversary of the Star-Spangled Banner. Lots of chatter among my group on Saturday about whether model trains or Tall Ships were Dad-ier.
Dads will never be impressed with how much you saved. You could have saved more.
Ugh, lines like that make me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Dads will never be impressed with how much you saved. You could have saved more.
Ugh, lines like that make me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
OK I’m SO GLAD this is here because I want to share this with someone who will appreciate it. My dad is a gearhead. My best friend’s dad is not. Recently, my friend’s dad bought himself a mid life crisis motorcycle, and decided to show it to my dad.
MY MOM: Is it nice?
MY DAD: [long pause] …for half a Harley. It’s a Sportster, honey. Well, he got a lot for his money
ice cold dad burns LMAO
This is amazing.
Yay. I was just wondering when the next Dad Magazine would appear.
And now I can share this – recently I remembered my dad’s very dad-like dating advice to my 19 year old self, when I was all sad and heartbroken over some guy – “Cleo, just because you tend to only date losers, doesn’t mean that all men are losers.” Classic dad comment – completely on the money and yet not that helpful.
My dad still talks about going to some early bird sale (at Walmart? maybe?) to buy a half price sewing machine for my mom. The store opened super early and they arrived when the doors opened – it wasn’t Black Friday but it was something like that. Their cashier was half asleep and bleary eyed – she told my dad that she had to get up while it was still DARK outside. My dad thought that was the funniest thing ever.
Count my vote for Tall Ships – highlight of my dad's summer last year was getting a tour of a Tall Ship.
I love this. My dad recently sent me an article covering the Shakespeare authorship controversy, because this was Entirely! New! Information! for him. I then gave him my first-day Shakespeare survey mini-lecture on the authorship question because I am as weird and tedious as he is, just in a different direction.
ACTUAL EMAIL I received this morning:
Subject: Ken Burns Roosevelt PBS series fascinating to me.
Body: Dad
Yes. A thousand times yes.
My dad has holiday-specific Hawaiian shirts. They are all he wears now that he is retired, and his wardrobe is FULL of them.
My favorite is the one with Santa pulling the sleigh.
My family and I are creating a DAD MAGAZINE for my father for a Christmas present. Current article/questionnaires include:
“A Guide to Identifying the ‘Good Grass.'”
“Are you complaining enough about the weather? Take our quiz!”
“When should you mow the grass?”
“Is your weedeater really broken? How to tell if your kid is really just trying to get out of chores.”
“Dear Dad” (a “Dear Abby” for Dad Magazine)
“The Empty Nest Syndrome: Replacing your kids with appropriate pets.”
And others, but these are my current favorites.
And a bonus maze: “Find the shortest way through town!”
Thank you, Jaya, Matt, Mallory, and Nicole, for inspiring such a great gift for my father!
this is the sweetest idea!
My dad used to be a plainclothes police officer, in the Surveillance unit – as this involved following people, he needed to dress in a fairly unobtrusive manner. He took early retirement a few years ago and now wears brightly-coloured floral shirts a lot.