Dirtbag Teddy Roosevelt

by Mallory Ortberg · September 16, 2014

dirtbagTAFT
TAFT
what is it, Mr. President
COME INTO MY OFFICE
I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING
why don’t you bench press your presidential desk
I ALREADY BENCH PRESSED IT
sir, I don’t want to be bench pressed
AM I THE PRESIDENT OR AREN’T I
IF I WANT TO BENCH PRESS THE MEN IN MY CABINET
IT’S FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION
AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY
NOW GET IN HERE AND ASSUME THE POSITION
yes, sir
I’LL BENCH PRESS ANY AMERICAN I WANT
yes, sir

 

TAFT
GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT
THE BOYS IN THE WAR DEPARTMENT ARE LETTING ME USE THEM TO RECREATE THE BATTLE OF SAN JUAN HILL
AND WE NEED YOU TO PLAY SAN JUAN HILL

 

TAFT
what is it
DO WE OWN THE PHILIPPINES
do we what
DO WE HAVE IT YET
no, sir
I believe the Filipinos have it
WELL I WANT IT
how do you propose to get it
I PROPOSE TO STRIKE ANY MAN WHO TRIES TO STOP ME SOUNDLY IN THE FACE IS HOW
I PROPOSE TO ACQUIRE IT THROUGH THE STRATEGIC USE OF COLD BATHS, STRENUOUS MOUNTAIN HIKES, AND BARE-KNUCKLE BOXING
I PROPOSE TO RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY ALL THE WAY TO MANILA
please don’t ride me like a pony, sir
IF YOU LET ME RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY
I SHALL APPOINT YOU SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
sir, you promised me that last Christmas
after you used me as a footstool during the White House reception
I MEAN IT THIS TIME
NOW OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN GET THIS BRIDLE FITTED

 

TAFT
TAFT
WAKE UP YOU WALRUS
what is it
THERE’S A WAR ON AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME
where’s a war
we’re not at war
NOT HERE, YOU BLOATED MUSTACHE-HOLDER
IN RUSSIA
I
yes
there is a war in Russia
WELL I’M GOING THERE TO PUT A STOP TO IT
their war is with the Japanese, Mr. President
it’s not with us
IF I CAN’T HAVE A WAR
YOU CAN BE DAMNED SURE THE RUSSIANS AND THE JAPANESE AREN’T GOING TO HAVE ONE
wait a minute and I’ll send someone from the State Department with you
TOO LATE, TAFT
I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY
GOING TO DO LUNGES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
SHOULD BE IN MOSCOW BY NOON
I’LL WIRE WHEN I GET THERE

 

TAFT HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS STANDARD OIL BUSINESS
yes, sir
THEY’RE A MONOPOLY
yes, sir
THAT ISN’T SPORTING AT ALL
no, sir
BRING ME STANDARD OIL
I’M GOING TO PUNCH IT MANFULLY IN THE FACE
sir, Standard Oil is a trust, not a person
you can’t punch a trust in the face
OH CAN’T I
TAFT, WATCH ME BECOME THE FIRST MAN TO PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE
THEN WRITE IT DOWN
IN YOUR OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE NOTES
“TODAY THE PRESIDENT PUNCHED A TRUST IN THE FACE”
all right
“QUITE SOUNDLY TOO”
I will
“WITH AN EXCELLENT RIGHT UPPER CROSS”
yes, sir
“CAN’T PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE”
FORSOOTH
I’M THE PRESIDENT
I CAN PUNCH ANYTHING

 

TAFT WHAT’S GOING ON
WHY ARE THESE BOYS TAKING MY THINGS OUT OF THE OFFICE
you’re not the President anymore, sir
WHY ON EARTH NOT
you’ve already served two terms
we had another election
WELL WHO IS THE PRESIDENT NOW
I am, sir
WHAT
YOU SWOLLEN CARAPACE
YOU’VE NEVER EVEN RIDDEN A BEAR
NOR STRUCK A MOUNTAIN
NOR EATEN A LIVE HORSE WHILE RIDING ON THE BACK OF A DIFFERENT HORSE
HOW CAN YOU BE PRESIDENT, YOU HUNK OF UNDERCOOKED LIVER
I am the President now
and I’m afraid you’re in my office
and I’ll have to ask you to leave
WELL I
I’M GOING TO GO TO AFRICA AND KILL EVERYTHING I SEE THERE

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176 Comments

    1. Genevievenumba4 +87

      Yes. I am perfectly fine with punching all the monopolies right in the face. We should all get to punch a monopoly a day. You want to control an industry at the expense of consumers? That’s cool, it’s just you get punched in the face every day. Fair’s fair.

      2. rkfire +48

        Do they even have to be monopolies? I wouldn’t mind if we punched all of the CEOs that headed mortgage companies and the firms that traded mortgage-backed securities in the face because of the recession.

        1. Genevievenumba4 +29

          Oh my yes, they count. Imagine the lines! The lines for punching.

          This might be another use for the perpetual kicking machine, actually. There are kind of a lot of them.

        2. scullymurphy +13

          Many of them have really gnarly plastic surgery, too. I (gleefully) picture their faces just collapsing.

      1. abbeyroadmedley +34

        As much as I enjoy his documentaries, I have trouble paying attention to what he says in interviews, because he appears to be wearing the wig from a Ringo Starr in 1963 Halloween costume.

    1. turanga_leela +4

      We missed the first episode on Sunday, but I found that the PBS streaming channel has all seven episodes up.

  5. gavinbyrnes +56

    Already eagerly anticipating the Bull Moose Party sequel!

    I PROPOSE TO STRIKE ANY MAN WHO TRIES TO STOP ME SOUNDLY IN THE FACE IS HOW
    I PROPOSE TO ACQUIRE IT THROUGH THE STRATEGIC USE OF COLD BATHS, STRENUOUS MOUNTAIN HIKES, AND BARE-KNUCKLE BOXING

    came really close to making me burst out laughing in the middle of a meeting.

      1. gavinbyrnes +32

        If I can train myself not to laugh out loud at Mallory, I can train myself not to laugh out loud at anything! It’s a short step from there to becoming the perfect epitome of stoic maleness, after which I can go live in the woods by myself like a real man would, emerging only to steal candy.

        (or I just saw she had a new thing posted and neither wild dogs nor Teddy Roosevelt nor work could keep me from it)

      1. abbeyroadmedley +19

        That has been the most amazing thing about watching the Ken Burns documentary! Young TR was actually pretty gorgeous. (Young FDR was a giant nerd, which is NOT surprising in the least.)

        1. roboticaquatic +53

          Kid FDR was totally Buster Bluth. Everytime I hear something about his relationship with his mother I sing the Motherboy song.

  7. fourieriste +110

    i’ve always loved the ‘how the teddy bear got its name’ story:

    THIS IS A VERY POORLY LOOKING BEAR YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME
    THIS BEAR IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO SHOOT
    IT WOULD NOT BE SPORTING AT ALL
    that’s very kind of you, teddy roosevelt
    ISN’T IT JUST
    how good of you to care about the welfare of the bear
    IT’S A MATTER OF SIMPLE DIGNITY, MY MAN
    so should we… set it free?
    HEAVENS NO
    TAKE IT ROUND THE BACK AND HAVE THE BEATERS SHOOT IT, THERE’S A GOOD CHAP

    1. sdpowell1 +50

      “Illness is a sin so you should just like work harder to get rid of that asthma.” -Teddy’s dad basically.

      Have I mentioned how happy I am to have modern medicine?

  10. blushingflower +24

    I am picturing the Nationals Teddy and Bill Racing Presidents enacting this dialogue and it’s pretty great.

    1. rkfire +5

      I didn’t know that Bill got added to the lineup! For a quick second I was imagining Bill Clinton, which would also be AMAZING.

  12. mbculver +130

    RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY ALL THE WAY TO MANILA sounds like one of those jingoistic World War I tunes. Or like the best song the Scorpions never wrote.

  13. HateMachine +72

    If Teddy Roosevelt hadn’t done quite so much boisterous laughter, he probably would have been Ernest Hemingway.

    1. gripyfish +27

      I was just going to ask if Mallory had jumped in a time machine to the Roosevelt White House, then transcribed the things she heard there.

    2. bibliobotic +27

      This is awfully embarrassing, you seem to have posted the Regular Teddy Roosevelt transcript by mistake.

  15. miprisci +112

    In some ways, Teddy Roosevelt feels more akin to Pecos Bill and Paul Bunyan than a real American president who did real things.

    1. Upsidedown_Cake +81

      On an enchanted island in the middle of the Hudson, Teddy sleeps, waiting the hour of America’s greatest need. On that day he will return riding a bull moose, and wallop trusts, and set aside wilderness areas.

      (When it comes to the Matter of the US, the Kennedys have nothing on the Roosevelts.)

        1. Upsidedown_Cake +14

          The gentleman and I recently had a five minute discussion about whether we wanted TR or FDR back more.

          I feel that the ideal answer is both.

          2. Upsidedown_Cake +48

            I have gleeful mental images of a giant Pacific Rim style robotic Uber-Roosevelt and it is making me so happy.

      2. Tessellation +16

        Suddenly I understand the appeal of the Kyffhaeuser myth…
        Also, dear God, how I wish Obama had punched BP “manfully in the face.”

    2. Unreadaethel +49

      HUMPHRIES
      HUMPHRIES COME HERE
      what is it, mr. president
      LOOK AT MY PENIS
      LOOK HOW LARGE IT IS
      BECAUSE I’M A VIRILE MAN

  18. HateMachine +48

    Also, for some reason this is reminding me of an old discussion around which of the presidents would be the best mecha pilots in a US History-based super robot anime. Teddy Roosevelt was eventually cast as the protagonist, with Andrew Jackson as the main villain.

    1. aravisthequeen +46

      Which in turn reminds me of that discussion of “Which president would survive in a fight to the death among all presidents” which made me laugh till I cried.

      2. Unreadaethel +37

        I maintain that TR would draw everyone’s attention, and be at a huge disadvantage from his desire to fight fairly. Everyone would be watching his superb brawl with Andrew Jackson, and then John Quincy Adams would sneak up and knife him from behind.

    1. rkfire +44

      Also, google images yielded these very important dirtbag Teddy Roosevelt mascot facts:

      HE’S BEEN DQ’ED FOR RACING IN A FOOTRACE WITH A SCOOTER

      1. aravisthequeen +52

        “cats, lobsters, bananas, a pro wrestler, and John F. Kennedy.”

        BRING ME ANY OTHER CATEGORY ON EARTH FOR WHICH THAT WOULD BE A SUFFICIENT LISTING. “Things that were once alive” doesn’t cut it.

        1. PunnyDreadful +16

          Costume Depot’s deep discount rack in the ‘sexy costumes’ section.

          *Edit: I clearly blocked out the legions of sexy cat costumes that plague major cities like, well, street cats*

      2. blushingflower +35

        He cheats ALL THE TIME. It is pretty amazeballs. The presidential races also routinely involve the presidents knocking each other over in various ways. My main quibble with the Nats is that the scorecard they include in their programs doesn’t include a line for the presidents’ race.

        1. rkfire +15

          This is all amazing and if the Love that Dare Not Speak Its Name* happens I will have to go down to DC at least once because I have never been to a Nats game.

          *Os and Nats meeting in October

      3. aqueousmedium +28

        I want to know how “cats, lobsters, bananas, a pro wrestler, and John F. Kennedy” contributed to his losses, and whether they contributed sequentially or all at once.

      4. PunnyDreadful +39

        “Some races were won by more than one president, and some were won by non-presidents such as Jayson Werth and a rogue Pittsburgh Pierogie”

        To be fair, I dont think we ever saw Werth and the Pierogie in the same room.

        1. aravisthequeen +18

          I like to substitute “presidential race” for “races” there and sometimes I think a pierogi could do a better job of being president than some actual presidents have.

          1. PunnyDreadful +34

            I’m sorry, I can’t trust a pierogie to be tough on Russia. I’m throwing my support behind the empanada.

        1. PunnyDreadful +90

          At Washington Nationals home games, during the 4th inning, we have people in giant president costumes run a race around the outfield. Sometimes they trip each other, sometimes there’s segways, etc. Ever since punk died it’s our single greatest cultural output.

          1. EPWordsnatcher +3

            This is the best thing I’ve seen in a good long time, thank you so much for sharing it with me.

          3. rkfire +5

            I love my Os but I really wish we would replace the rendition of “thank god I’m a country boy” during the 7th inning stretch with something like this.

            BTW: we are having an Orange Out today in Bmore.. what’s going on in DC for the potential clinching of your division lead?

          9. katiemcgillicuddy +6

            You guys could have like, Poe box the Oriole Bird every night. Or something.

            Well, we’re In Atlanta, which, as much fun as it would be to be at home, I’m going to REVEL in winning there, and soaking the visitors locker room in Champagne. Fuck. The. Braves.

  20. logicbutton +73

    Taft went on to become the only US President to also serve as Chief Justice, presumably because once Roosevelt left office he figured that his most stressful days were behind him.

    3. scullymurphy +78

      “Beginning in 1920, Taft used a cane that was made of 250,000-year-old petrified wood.”
      Also he vigorously opposed prohibition.
      Verdict? Non-dirtbag!

    4. Merrite +65

      If I am remembering my 11th grade US history correctly, Taft actually busted more trusts than Teddy did! Teddy just gets the credit bc he would not shut up about it

    9. Danielle B. +65

      Okay, Taft is quickly becoming one of my new favorites. The saddest moment for me in The Roosevelt’s documentary, is the time when Teddy ran against Taft and saying all the *awful* stuff about him, when before he helped him set up his campaigns, etc, and some reporters found Taft in his railway car and he said, “Roosevelt was my closest friend,” and began crying.

      BAWLING FOREVER, BYE.

  22. aravisthequeen +143

    I envision Taft here as Kif from Futurama, which would of course make dear T.R. Zapp Branigan. Which is fitting.

    2. EPWordsnatcher +58

      I SUFFER FROM A VERY SEXY LEARNING DISABILITY
      yes sir
      WHAT DO I CALL IT, TAFT?
      sexlexia, sir

  23. Rosie_M_Banks +24

    I PROPOSE TO RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY ALL THE WAY TO MANILA
    please don’t ride me like a pony, sir

    <3 u Taftie

    (I really do think Taft needs a hug or something. Poor guy. He worked so hard!)

  24. LeastBittern +76

    This is delightful, but I want some dirtbag Alice. Dirtbag Alice and dirtbag Teddy sneak cigarettes and place bets together and all her little brothers/ his sons keep trying to track them down and make them tread the straight and narrow, also not die on the Amazon.

    I just envision the telegram Mrs. Roosevelt (also called Alice, so clarification is necessary) sent to her son Kermit. “KERMIT YOUR FATHER IS EXPLORING THE AMAZON THE FOOL STOP CANCEL YOUR WEDDING YOU ARE GOING WITH HIM STOP DO NOT LET HIM DIE REPEAT DO NOT LET HIM DIE STOP.

    1. lyetteann +29

      I have been driving my husband crazy by yelling “Needs more Alice!” at the tv during the first 2 nights of the miniseries. If it were up to me, The Roosevelts would be called Alice and Some Dudes Who Were Related To Her.

      1. LeastBittern +18

        “Come Sit Next To Me: the story of Alice, Bamie, and some dudes who were related to them.”

    2. queerwolves +18

      On board with Dirtbag Alice at ALL TIMES! However, TR’s first wife Alice Longworth, the mother of their daughter Alice, died in 1888. His second wife Edith Carow was the mother of the remaining brood (Ted, Ethel, Kermit, Quentin, and Archibald). Edith was also a bamf!!!

  30. threatqualitypress +55

    I’M THE PRESIDENT
    I CAN PUNCH ANYTHING

    Shit, I got to get elected president of something so I can adopt this as a motto.

  33. thebellewitch +19

    I am so happy right now. For further reading, see “The Big Burn” by Timothy Egan, voted “Book About The Foundation of the U.S. Forest Service Most Likely to Include Teddy Roosevelt Wrestling People.”

    1. sdpowell1 +4

      That is such a good book. I feel like my copy of that is still living in my mother’s house somewhere.

  36. jennycieplak +54

    I love TR, but I also love this post.

    “I am the President now
    and I’m afraid you’re in my office
    and I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

    Most polite burn ever.

  37. Alix West +90

    Y’ALL. Y’ALL. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW TEDDY ROOSEVELT WAS A HONEYMOON CRASHER.

    Per Jean Webster’s wikipedia page:

    In June 1915, Glenn Ford McKinney was granted a divorce, and he and Webster were married in a quiet ceremony in September in Washington, Connecticut. They honeymooned at McKinney’s camp near Quebec City, Canada, and were visited by former president Theodore Roosevelt,[4] who invited himself, saying “I’ve always wanted to meet Jean Webster. We can put up a partition in the cabin.”[1]

    THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENED.

    3. Alix West +47

      And from an obscure Jean Webster biography I just remembered I had in my inbox (I’m really into Jean Webster, Ok?):

      “The honeymoon had its moments of comedy. Glenn’s heart was set on taking Jean to the Turilli Club, the private game preserve northwest of Quebec, where he presided over two hundred and fifty square miles of hills, lakes, brooks, and forests. How often had he disappeared there during those seven years! Theodore Roosevelt (a hunting companion of Glenn’s friend Dr. Alexander Lambert ), who had a camp at the club near Glenn’s, announced his intention of visiting Turilli and staying in Glenn’s log cabin. “But I’ll be on my honeymoon,” said Glenn. “That’s alright,” said Roosevelt, “I’ve always wanted to meet Jean Webster. We can put up a partition in the cabin.”

      “It took more than Glenn to change Mr. Roosevelt’s plans. With his two French-Canadian guides and an arsenal of weapons, the ex-president of the United States tramped into the reserve, shot a moose, reached Camp McKinney on the edge of Lake McKinney at nightfall, and was met by the Lamberts, Glenn, and Jean. After a delicious venison supper, he settled in. An account of his observations was subsequently published in a magazine, under the title “A Curious Experience, Illustrated from Photographs by Alexander Lambert, M.D.” But the subject of his photographs was the fauna and flora of the club, not the bride and groom behind the partition.”

      HE SHOT A MOOSE ON THE WAY THERE. OF COURSE HE DID.

      1. threatqualitypress +23

        “It took more than Glenn to change Mr. Roosevelt’s plans. ”

        No, it took ten men and a cannon to change Mr. Roosevelt’s plans, and that’s only if the new plans offered the opportunity to shoot something bigger.

        1. Alix West +19

          Yes, I think that’s the best part of this story. It took two French-Canadian guides and an arsenal of weapons to crash this honeymoon in wilds of Quebec, and he STILL did it.

    5. phlippin +80

      I loved the part of the Roosevelt documentary where he makes FDR and Eleanor’s wedding all about him, and then they mention that quote (from his sister, I think?) that Teddy always wanted to be “the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, and the baby at every christening.” Sic old-timey burn!!

      1. threatqualitypress +91

        The actual literal best thing is imagining Teddy Roosevelt going from town to town doing exactly that.

        Groom lifts the bride’s veil

        HAHA! IT’S ME, TR! WE’RE MARRIED NOW! WHAT IS THE BUFFET LIKE?

        “uh. there is steak I think…”

        BULLY!

        family approaches the coffin. TEDDY ROOSEVELT EMERGES

        HAHA, IT’S ME, TR!

        But where is jeremiah?

        HE WAS NOT DEAD

        but

        HE JUST NEEDED A COLD BATH AND SOME VIGOROUS EXERCISE TO GET HIS HEART PUMPING

        but

        CLOSE THE LID I WANT TO SURPRISE THE NEXT GROUP

        1. threatqualitypress +58

          TR, I don’t think you can fit in to the baptismal font–

          NONSENSE I AM THE PRESIDENT

          baptismal font crashed to pieces, TR sits in the middle. A baby cries.

          BULLY

  39. lyetteann +25

    After learning last night that TR’s idea of a good day in the oval office involved stick-fighting while using the couch cushions as padding to soften the blows, all of this sounds very accurate.

  41. LeastBittern +14

    Dudes who write time travel stories always talk about killing people show lack of imagination; how different would the course of American history be if someone snuck into Alice Lee’s bedroom right after she gave birth and injected her with antibiotics? (And then you could dash downstairs and drop some more antibiotics and an IV into Martha, just for good measure.)

    1. sceps yarx +15

      Whenever anyone wants to play the “what would your life be like if you lived in another era” game, I always try to remind myself that it wouldn’t be like anything because I would be dead.

      1. Abanthis +30

        It is a fun way to annoy boys!
        “As the second son, I would be in the army!”
        “My last name indicates I would have a mill!”
        “As the first daughter, I would be dead in childbirth! Also no Josh, you are horribly asthmatic and would join me in an early grave. Hooray for modern medicine!”
        “You are no fun, let us romanticise ye olden dayes in peace.”
        “PLAGUE!”

        1. MaxMarvel +7

          Isn’t it? I like casually being like “Well, I wouldn’t have been allowed to vote or own property, sooooo…”

  42. queerwolves +20

    I commend all Toasties to do yourself a favor and listen to this HILARIOUS clip of TR campaign-speechifying about giving the Standard Oil Corporation the “Abyssinian treatment”, whatever that means. Listening to his actual diction is truly a boon to living your life as fully as possible. http://www.loc.gov/jukebox/recordings/detail/id/2…

    3. spoboebot3000 +4

      FYI if you click on link Theodore Roosevelt under speaker, they have 3 recordings of his speeches. I am now listening to “Why the trusts and bosses oppose the Progressive Party” with delight. Also, I love the warning “These historical recordings may contain offensive or inappropriate language” at the top of the page. 🙂

  45. lauralizabethm +102

    the newsboys are here, sir
    WHAT DO THE NEWSBOYS WANT, TAFT?
    they want fair wages
    they’re also singing
    WHY ARE THEY SINGING, TAFT?
    i don’t know, sir
    but they seem very robust
    they’re doing pirouettes
    I APPRECIATE ROBUST PIROUETTES
    GIVE THEM THEIR WAGES, TAFT
    yes sir

  48. Uncle Matt +15

    I’m a college history instructor. I’m teaching TR and Progressivism tonight. And now I’m teaching this. Thank you, Mallory Ortberg, for doin’ you.

  51. hopebordeaux +17

    TAFT TAFT
    yes sir
    TAFT DID YOU READ THIS UPTON SINCLAIR BOOK I DID AND I PUKED MY GUTS OUT MANFULLY ON MRS. ROOSEVELT DURING BREAKFAST
    oh I’m very sorry sir
    I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FOOD SUPPLY SOMETHING MANLY AND DECISIVE
    yes sir
    LIKE PUNCH THE FACTORIES TAFT
    do you mean regulate them
    YES REGULATE THEM
    good decision sir
    WITH MY FISTS OF DEADLY ARTS
    perhaps food and drug administration instead sir
    WELL ALL RIGHT WHEN DO I GET TO INVADE SOMEWHERE I ASKED FOR A WAR AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT TAFT

  53. RuncibleSpoon +7

    Poor Taft. Roosevelt forming the Bull Moose Party to run against Taft in that bid for his own 3rd term in office always seemed like such a meanspirited betrayal.

    Relatedly, when I was a junior in HS, I helped my retiring 9th grade history teacher clear out his classroom. In exchange he let me take home anything I wanted (some pieces were inherited teaching aids from Quite Some Time Ago…) In particular I was very proud of a fantastic black and white photograph of Roosevelt chortling away. Inscribed on the back are the words: Teddy Roosevelt – Full of Vim and Vigor!

  54. Ivan Ewert +3

    I just laughed so hard my wife came down two floors to the basement to make sure I wasn’t having a seizure.

  55. Aaron Horrocks

    I love it! I don’t know why this is called “dirtbag” though. This could be actual transcripts.
    Several people, including my own mother say that I look like Teddy Roosevelt, and that I need to do a Teddy costume. I’ve started working on it… As such I feel a real connection to him and his history.

  60. Pope Lizbet +9

    I feel Mallory should know that my dear friend and I now communicate frequently in character as Dirtbag TR and Quiet Dignity Taft, to the point that when he pings me on chat it is usually by texting TAFT and when he is being particularly overfilled with vim & vigor all I have to do is roll my eyes and say “Yes, Mr. President” for him to know he’s in DTR territory and needs to dial it back. We amuse ourselves. His DTR voice is hilarious.