If Barack Obama were your dad, you would know you shouldn't ask him for help with your government homework, but you’d do it anyway, and he would go on and on and on for so long it would be like the damn State of the Union. You wouldn't be able to escape, so you'd start keeping track of how many times he said "Let me be clear" (15).

Little Richard Nixon’s come to our house to stay, An’ wash the cups an’ saucers up, an’ brush the crumbs away, An’ shoo the chickens off the porch, an’ dust the hearth, an’ sweep, An’ make the fire, an’ bake the bread, an’ earn his board-an’-keep; An’ all us other childern, when the supper things is done, We set around the kitchen fire an’ has the mostest fun A-list’nin’ to the witch-tales ‘at Richie Nixon…

TAFT what is it, Mr. President COME INTO MY OFFICE I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING why don't you bench press your presidential desk I ALREADY BENCH PRESSED IT sir, I don't want to be bench pressed AM I THE PRESIDENT OR AREN'T I IF I WANT TO BENCH PRESS THE MEN IN MY CABINET IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY NOW…

Two years ago, the only man I will ever love wrote the following words: Earlier today someone asked the question, In a mass knife fight to the death between every American President, who would win and why?Someone beat me to the obvious answer that a final showdown would see Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt doing a dagger-wielding version of a Mexican standoff, so I took it too far and walked through how…