Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
His roommate, Evan’s ice cream
His classmate’s answers to the test
His roommate’s Wheaties, tucked on the shelf behind his roommate’s note about not eating his food or I’m going to fucking come after you Chris
This really cute golden lab puppy someone tied to a post outside of a cafe
Some CDs at Best Buy
Thirteen works of art at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, including Rembrandt’s Storm on the Sea of Galilee (1633), Vermeer’s The Concert (1658–1660), and a rare Chinese vase
His co-worker’s cookies
The perfect essay to submit for the Art History of the Western World 301A final
Second base during the baseball game
His co-worker’s idea to market to a new demographic and thus increase revenue by 20% every future quarter, and the ensuing promotion
Evan’s room
The payroll of the Pleasant Valley Coal Company
A red Ferrari in the sports arena parking lot
Evan’s parking space
Several major credit card company databases
Evan’s social security number
The Hope Diamond
A note with Evan’s girlfriend’s ring size on it
Evan’s girlfriend’s dad’s blessing
Evan’s girlfriend
A Nihon Shintaku Ginko Bank car, transporting 300 million Yen
$4 million dollars cash secured in a locked money cart within a heavily guarded vault, in the second basement of the Chicago First National Bank
John Travolta’s face
Several thousand dollars worth of Bitcoins
Roughly 3000 cattle intended to feed Union Troops
Evan’s favorite joke
Evan’s thunder at dinner parties
A priceless 22-karat gold cross embedded with sparkling green emeralds which was was found in the debris of the 1594 San Pedro shipwreck and displayed at the Bermuda Museum of Art
Fire from the gods
The family heirlooms in Evan’s hope chest
15 puppies sired by London Dalmatians Pongo and Perdita, as well as 86 other Dalmatian puppies of unknown origin, for a total of 101 Dalmatians
The rest of Evan’s hope chest
The scientific inventions of Nikola Tesla
Muzio Clementi’s Sonata in B-flat major
Evan’s poems
Christmas in Whoville
The Medal of Honor buried with Evan
Tags: amy collier, christopher columbus, history, holidays, humor
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Poor Evan.
Sometimes you’re the Evan, and sometimes you’re the Columbus.
But hopefully you’re neither.
Casually dropping “Sometimes you’re the Evan, and sometimes you’re the Columbus” into conversation should be the passcode for finding fellow toasties in the wild.
My old roommate once Columbus-ed MY brand-new pint of Phish Food. The entire thing! Then she bought me some off-brand mint-chocolate-chip frozen yogurt as a “compromise”. My own personal 1492.
i hope you gave her smallpox
this made me laugh so hard!
OK we are so making “Columbused” happen.
right? “we need to make this a thing” was my second thought upon reading this comment.
my first was “wow, jerk roommate :(“
It’s a thing, and I support it’s use, though usually more in a white people discovering big butts are a thing (looking at you New York Times and Vogue)
http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2014/07/06/32…
edit: (f you intense debate)
Okay but isn’t seriously using “Columbused” to refer to things, like say, a roommate eating your ice cream, actually Columbusing the tragedy wrought by that asshole Columbus on the Native Americans? Isn’t it, so to speak, Columbusing Columbus?
My head hurts now.
There are undoubtedly a few hundred conference papers that have been given in the last decade with “Columbusing Columbus” as the main title and something deathly boring following the semicolon.
You Columbused my idea.
Let’s face it. We’ve all been the jerk who ate the ice cream.
Fortunately, we haven’t all been the jerk who decimated an indigenous population.
no, it was Mallory. it was always Mallory.
A former roommate in the throes of “freegan dumpster-diving as valid lifestyle” madness, once ate all my Oreos and replaced them with dumpster-dived olive oil. Not quite the beginning of continental genocide, but close.
The Hague would have taken that case.
Sounds like Mallory and Chris share similar views about food belonging to co-workers and roommates…
The mental image of Columbus committing the Isabella Stewart Gardiner art heist (dressed basically as you might imagine Columbus, with added black bandit mask) is cheering me tremendously on this otherwise gloomy day.
This needs to be a caper movie, with Columbus assisted by Ferdinand Magellan, Hendrick Hudson, Captain Cook, et al.
Tagline: ‘Together, they discover…the perfect crime.’
I would so watch that movie, no joke.
Insert “but he never discovered the clitoris” joke here.
And thankfully so, since going by his other “discoveries” it would probably have involved female genital mutilation.
I mean I knew he was kind of a jerk but WOW
FFS, Evan, move out already! Cripes. Hell, I’ll bet your parents would loan you the money for breaking the lease just to see you get away from that douchecanoe.
Well. After submitting this, I remembered that poor Evan is dead. Alas. (But I’ll be that was what everyone was saying to him during his life when he’d complain about Columbus.)
True, I often said it to him. There were a lot of red flags with Christopher Columbus.
“101 Dalmatians” is where I lost it
That was terrible when that happened when he started wearing all those furs and smoking long cigarettes and calling people “dahling.”
And thankfully so, since going by his other "discoveries" it would probably have involved female genital mutilation.
I really need that laugh tonight. But Pongo + Missis forever.
Wait, hold on, this is different than it was this morning.
Well I wasn’t going to be pedantic about this before, but now that it’s changed…
“101 Dalmatians” includes Pongo and Perdita. Cruella stole 99 puppies (84 of indeterminate origin).
While this may be true, Columbus stole 101. The movie based on his Dalmatian theft is “103 Dalmatians”
While this may be true, Columbus stole 101. The movie based on his Dalmatian theft is "103 Dalmatians"