Previously in this series: Edna Krabappel.
The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Milhouse Van Houten.
Milhouse Van Houten is the chump to end all chumps. His father was a chump. He comes from a long line of chumps. He was born a chump, and he’ll die a chump. He knows his place on the social hierarchy — higher than Martin, lower than Nelson — as he explains to Bart, “We still get beat up, but at least we get an explanation.”
Unfortunately for Milhouse, the explanation is usually “you’re Milhouse.” A scene from Brother From The Same Planet illustrates Milhouse’s place in the classroom perfectly:
[Bart’s class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin’s forehead]
Martin: Hey…
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He’s not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn’t give him any homework for a while.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don’t thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you’re next.
Milhouse: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing before trailing off]
Nelson: Wuss!
Milhouse is perhaps best described by what is not: he’s not unlucky enough to be Martin, he doesn’t get shot in the face with a neural disruptor. But he’ll never be friends with an F-14 pilot, and he’s exactly the kind of loser who would follow an act like that with something as childish and boring as a toy horse. And he’d call it a “horsey” instead of a horse, which is exactly the wrong thing to say in the fourth grade. It’s something only a wuss would say.
Milhouse is the kind of kid who has a good idea once every couple of years (coming up with the character name Thrillhouse when he’s playing Bonestorm), but somehow still manages to ruin it for himself.
There is a well-known scene on Parks and Recreation where Ron Swanson describes his coworker Jerry thusly: “A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel.”
Milhouse, too, is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel. Even his best friend’s dad refers to him as “that little weiner kid.” He was born to play second banana. His dad works at a cracker factory and sleeps in a racecar bed and gets conned by women who use lines like “Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.” He’s not quite smart enough to figure things out when someone’s pulling one over him, but he knows when he’s been wronged. In The Canine Mutiny, Milhouse comes impressively close to calling Bart out for gaslighting him:
“Remember when your dog ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?”
Even a chump knows if you have a bowl, you’re supposed to put goldfish in it. Even a chump will eventually figure it out, if he’s been cheated.
Milhouse: Bart, I don’t want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw, come on, I’ve seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we’re out of chocolate milk, you cry when you’re doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn’t want you to see me cry this time.
Everything bad that can happen to Bart, happens to Milhouse — but it’s always just a little bit worse. In Boy Scoutz ‘N The Hood, Bart accidentally joins the Junior Campers on a Squishee Bender; Milhouse gets a curse word shaved into the back of his head and is dragged off by Principal Skinner, who threatens to shave him as a reminder that “hair is not a right, it’s a privilege.” In “Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily,” Bart and Milhouse both spend the afternoon playing with the same monkey and Bart gets lice (“No fair! Why didn’t anything bad happen to Milhouse?”); Milhouse is last seen shivering and green, muttering “So cold…so very cold” to himself.
He’s the second banana wherever Bart goes, which is perhaps why in every other town, there’s a Milhouse waiting for him. In “You Only Move Twice,” a blue-haired kid with glasses runs up to Bart and asks if he has a best friend yet, in a tone that can only be described as “lickspittle-esque.”
In “Lemon of Troy,” Milhouse encounters his own Shelbyvilleian doppelganger, and they embrace over the pain of having the same first name.
“Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?”
“But Milhouse is my name!”
“But I thought I was the only one!”
“A pain I know all too well.”
It’s a nice moment of recognition for him, but it’s also a reminder that there is nothing unique about Milhouse. There’s a Milhouse in every town.
At one point, Bart gets Milhouse placed on the FBI’s Most Wanted list, and a cutaway scene shows Milhouse running from a terrifying federal agent in a scene lifted straight from The Fugitive. “I’m innocent,” Milhouse says.
“I don’t care,” the agent says, and Milhouse jumps off the edge of the dam. As he reaches the bottom, we hear a faint cry drift up from the falls:
“My glasses!”
He may be a chump, but he’s still just a kid.
Mr. Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”?
Lisa: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you’ve got detention!
One of Milhouse’s most defining characteristics is his undying devotion for Lisa, who is at best politely indifferent and at worst grossed out by his attentions. In “Lisa’s Date With Density,” she asks him to take a note to her new crush Nelson, and Milhouse can’t understand why she doesn’t like him in the same way.
“You’re more like a big sister,” she tells him (how infinitely cruel! How true! The most painful jabs always come from people who do not even realize they are insulting you.)
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Milhouse groans, in an exquisitely painful detail. Most romantic false leads at least hear “you’re like a brother to me.” Milhouse doesn’t even get the dignity of keeping his own gender.
Always his own worst enemy, Milhouse tells himself “if she sees you’ll do anything for her, she’s bound to respect you” (an argument only a ten-year-old could buy, and yet how many of us have fallen prey to it in our lifetimes?) and carries the note. He tells Lisa in a bright, cheery voice, “What are big sisters for?” before realizing instantly what a mistake he’s made.
But he still carries the note.
There’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it gag in “Rosebud” where Mr. Burns starts a campaign to find his missing childhood teddy bear, and a series of milk cartons asking if anyone has seen Milhouse — who has presumably been kidnapped — are papered over with pictures of Bobo. (Nobody likes Milhouse.)
More than anyone else on the show, Milhouse represents the anxieties of a regular kid. Most kids are lucky enough not to be Martin or Ralph. Most kids aren’t angry enough to be Nelson or cool enough to be Bart. But most kids have to wear glasses, and most kids worry about their parents getting divorced, and most kids worry that even their teacher can tell nobody likes them, and most kids are afraid that if they go missing, no one will notice.
Being Milhouse is the worst thing that is likely to happen to you.
Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I’ll kick your butt… at Nintendo.
It’s Milhouse’s eternal schlemiel status that make the little victories — which are few and far between for him — so sweet. It takes ten seasons, but he finally gets a win when Springfield gets flooded in “Mom and Pop Art.” He hates his flood pants — of course Milhouse has flood pants — but is delighted when the waters rush into his room and stop mid-ankle.
“My feet are soaked,” he cries out in joy, “but my cuffs are bone dry. Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”
He then high-steps his way out of the room, as perfectly and uncomplicatedly happy as he will ever be. When nothing ever goes your way, sometimes dry cuffs are enough.
Tags: chumps, finest hour, milhouse, second banana, television, the simpsons
“I’m not a nerd, Bart! …Nerds are smart.”
My nephew is a clone of Milhouse. I have such a soft spot for him.
“But my Mom says I’m cool!” I always felt that everything heartbreaking about Milhouse is summed up in that one quote. (It’s also one of my favourite Milhouse quotes.)
Definitely my favorite, and the most wrenchingly sweet/awful.
Oh God, these Simpsons pieces break my heart and embiggen my soul every time.
They’re downright cromulent.
I haven’t even read this yet, but I’m settling in for my lunch break with a sandwich and soup and this piece and I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. It’s like taking your time to unwrap a present. I already know I’m gonna lose my damn mind over this piece, so I’m gonna savor it.
Lemon of Troy is my number-one all time favorite Simpsons episode, largely for the Milhouse stuff. Of COURSE Milhouse thinks his camouflage will allow him to vanish into the trees like the Cheshire Cat! He’s such a little maroon.
Oh my God. Lemon of Troy and Sideshow Bob Roberts are effing gold.
I read this while eating my lunch, too. It was perfect.
“Everything’s coming up Milhouse” is probably the Simpsons quote I can work into everyday conversation the most. That or I’ve just forgotten how much of what I say was originally Simpsons dialogue, which is the more likely scenario.
There are so many good Milhouse moments it’s hard to pick just one. I personally love “Milhouse! Lower those eyebrows! …And the other one!”
And pretty much all of the Milhouse bits of “Summer of 4 ft. 2.” He looks just like you, Poindexter!
You’ve got a friend! You’ve got the dud here! Stand up for yourself, Poindexter!
Mom, I’m going to tighten Milhouse’s straps. He’s fidgeting again.
I submit to Toast Authority the designation of Milhouse as “Most Major Minor Simpsons character”.
Maybe there should be tiers. 1) the nuclear family 2) Milhouse, Grandpa, Flanders, Mr. Burns (shit this is where the line blurs into ancillary characters. Also tier 2 is all dudes, maybe Mrs. Krabapple makes the cut but Maude or Patty and Selma? not quite. I’m thinking about this way too much.
Oh god I would be so happy if there was one of these for Patty and Selma.
if this does not happen there is no god
YES
I’ve scrolled past this three times now and laughed out loud every time.
Oh my… Milhouse grows up to be John Green!
Which is totally true (Milhouse WOULD be the Gold Medallist at Economics among C Students in the state of Alabama, an award you get by being a very bad student), but also rather optimistic. After all, John Green’s done pretty well for himself – an unexpectedly successful writer, a wife he clearly adores, cute kids. Milhouse’s future might be alright!
I love these Simpson posts because the characters being described are presented with such sensitivity and kindness. Ugh, I hate how that sentence sounds (too flowery) but I can’t put it any other way; just, all the love and all The Feels for this series.
Until I rewatched the Poochie episode recently, I had forgotten it was Milhouse who gave the world “When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?” But of course he was the only real choice to speak for the everykid who sees their happiness thwarted by a cool asshole’s self-indulgence.
“When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?!” is my all-time favourite thing to say whenever I am watching something with a pointlessly long buildup
I could never forget it was him, just because of the tone of true distress (near-panic, really) in his voice as he realizes just how fragile the constants of his world really are.
The fact that Milhouse is the middle name of Richard Nixon just fits so well. Nixon is what happens when you realize you’re a chump and let it make you into a tyrant.
Milhouse forever http://media.giphy.com/media/M3taMtsJtr4ti/giphy….
(being that I’m a little bit Thrillho myself, I can’t figure out how to make that gif work)
WELCOME THRILLHO
Related: “The amazing final days of ‘Simpsons’ co-creator Sam Simon, who’s donating his $100 million fortune” http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp…
Everything’s coming up Milhouse! I say it all the time – it’s just such a perfect little statement. You gotta note those small, poignant victories that keep us going and the joy we can find in them; plus, oh yeah, that’s totally an ancient Simpsons reference; hey listen, when that show is good, it’s glorious.
Just yesterday I was thinking, “I hope Mallory posts a new Simpsons character piece soon”. And it’s about Millhouse! Truly, my cup of joy is overflowing.
HEY MALLORY, WHAT KIND OF SPRINKLER DO YOU LIKE
Everything about Milhouse makes me laugh so much. I will write “See you in the car!” in the corner of every goodbye and good luck card I ever send til the day I die. More directly tied to the elder van Houten, but I have semi-seriously considered getting a tattoo of the dignity scribble.
My brother has a fairly unusual (for Canada) first name, and once we were playing the Wii version of Goldeneye that had a multiplayer mode, and one of the currently online users had the same name as my brother. Both of us immediately said the “doves cry” line triumphantly. All of my familial bonding is conducted via Simpsons quotes.
A very good friend of mine with whom I have been spending a great deal of time recently doesn’t like animation, and so has watched very few episodes of the Simpsons, and a lot of the time I have to stop and translate what I was going to say from Simpsons quotes into actual words. (I’ll wear her down eventually, it’s just a matter of time)
This has been a constant struggle in my life in the Netherlands. I’ve been used to American people of my age being able to communicate in Simpsons references, but Dutch people can’t do that! C’mob, it’s a perfectly cromulent way of expressing yourself.
This is why my favorite Milhouse episode is “Little Orphan Millie”: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Orphan_Millie
(It’s the one where everyone believes Milhouse’s parents are dead, and, when Nelson threatens to punch Milhouse, he replies with bleak despair: ‘Go ahead and hit me. At least I’ll feel something.’ and Nelson can’t even hit him.)
I really, really wish the Simpsons had a greater dedication to serialization and had left his parents dead, because I loved dark-Milhouse.
He had the chance to shed his Dutch ways and become a true Dane, but it slipped through his fingers
I think an especially good complement to this assessment is the episode where Milhouse moves away, and is able to instantiate himself as the Bart of his new school — particularly because of how well it fills that fantasy of being a Milhouse, but always imagining that if you could just go somewhere else and start over, THIS TIME, you could be one of the cool kids.
One of the many, many things I love about Bob’s Burgers is that Tina is what would happen if Millhouse was a teenage girl but OWNING her weird self.
Tina is, without a doubt, the best part of Bob’s Burgers. Mr. BHam would lobby hard for Gene, but it’s all about Tina for me. Erotic friend fiction, indeed.
Milhouse’s chump-itude is so great that even in her worst nightmare Lisa is not married to him.
“Remember ALF? He’s back! In POG form!”
hm, this reminds me, I should probably stop making off-the-cuff remarks about my husband being like the sister I never had.
Listening to this cassette while I read this post:
The AV Club just reviewed “A Milhouse Divided” <a href=”http://(http://www.avclub.com/tvclub/simpsons-milhouse-divided-211598)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.avclub.com/tvclub/simpsons-milhouse-divided-211598) and I feel like y’all would appreciate its characterizations of the Van Houtens, which is less compassionate than Mallory’s, but kind of nails the Milhouse/Lisa dynamic:
“The secret of Milhouse’s character is that he’s so predetermined to lose that losing is his baseline for existence. We’re only conditioned to empathize with the poor guy so much—which is why the repeated intimations over the years that he’s going to end up with Lisa (in any capacity) strike such a viscerally unpleasant chord. We might feel bad that Milhouse is having a hard time of things—but any Lisa/Milhouse pairing means that Lisa Simpson has fallen a long, long way.”
Yes! The thought of them together is just too depressing.
Funny to think about Milhouse winding up with Lisa, because of course anything which is a win for Milhouse HAS to be a loss for somebody else (in this case, Lisa.) It’s in his nature.
I’m okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!
It also fits your theory that Milhouse gets the coveted role of Fallout Boy–and derives absolutely no satisfaction or triumph from it.
I was thinking about this piece last night while drifting off to sleep (it’s so good I couldn’t stop myself) and had the same thought! The radioactive man episode is one of my favorites, it’s such a great character study of milhouse and from when I first saw the episode as a kiddo I felt like his struggle with fallout boy enriched his character for the rest of the series. Basically I have very deep feels about milhouse stemming from radioactive man. Plus around my house our go-to excuse for anything is ZE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! Not directly milhouse, but a glorious moment that would not have been possible without him.
It's probably been over a decade since I last watched The Simpsons, because I am a fickle and distracted creature. I loved it until I didn't anymore, but I have fond memories of all the best '90s stuff and can usually indulge in the same nostalgia as everyone else. Except when it comes to Milhouse. Milhouse always bugged the shit out of me, but I never thought much about it.
Reading this, I now remember why I hated Milhouse. I am Milhouse. No proper Milhouse "gets" Milhouse jokes. Understanding Milhouse would immediately negate the Milhouseness of any real-life Milhouse. Milhouse. Milhouse Milhouse.
Horsey.
How dare you say Milhouse’s father is a chump! He’s a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory and went to Gudger College!
Yes, I’ve long believed that Homer is clearly a Milhouse of his generation (oddball literature name, divorced parents, and all) and the many, many references to Milhouse and Lisa eventually marrying each other is very, very Elektra complex. I think it does show in the better flash forwards Simpsons has done: when Lisa does marry Milhouse she ends up in a very similar situation as her mother, and when she does not marry or marries someone else she follows more of her ambitions… Clearly this is how the Simpsons family cycle perpetuates itself the most. (These reasons are part of why I think the worst of the flash forwards episodes tend to paint Bart as too much like Homer. Homer was a Milhouse, not a Bart.)
I thought for sure the moment from “Lisa’s Wedding” would be mentioned:
Lisa: What color should my dress be? I mean, Milhouse…
Marge: Oh, Milhouse doesn’t count.
*they share a laugh*
His middle name is Mussolini!
I need more of this series, so much.