"No one's pinching his legs!" Happy today.

"Yes. I am in Flavor Country."

"I'm from a casino."

"Good enough."

"Ahh, you got it all wrong, Homer, it's not like that!"

Life is stern and life is earnest, but please allow this to set the tone for your interactions to whatever the world sends your way today.

Previously in this series: Edna Krabappel. The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Milhouse Van Houten.  Milhouse Van Houten is the chump to end all chumps. His father was a chump. He comes from a long line of chumps. He was born a chump, and he'll die a chump. He…

Previously in this series: Not Allowed In The Deep End -- Ralph Wiggum. The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Edna Krabappel. There's a scene in Some Like It Hot where Marilyn Monroe's character (Sugar Kane!) smiles heartbreakingly at Tony-Curtis-as-Josephine and explains why she's running away from men: I'm not very bright,…

Previously: Martin Prince, the Queen of Summer. The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Ralph Wiggum. There is no place on the social structure for a second-grade boy who thinks rats are "pointy kitties" and calls his teacher "Mommy." Kids can be misfits (Milhouse), or they can be brownnosers (Martin), or they…

The world owes a great deal to minor Simpsons characters, and I have taken it upon myself to periodically-yet-irregularly celebrate them as the spirit moves me. Today we honor Martin Prince. Remember that John Mulaney routine where he says that "all little boys are a little bit gay...they're sort of floaty and have hard opinions about things"? Martin Prince is that wonderful, fey little boy. He has not yet learned to appear as if he…

"I can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer." If you really love someone, you will never ask them to participate in your wedding or funeral, buy candy bars for your kid's basketball team, or help you move anything..

Girls with long brown hair and beat-up army jackets are universally adored.

"And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?" "Yes!…

In sixth grade at St. Jude’s Catholic School I painted a picture of Bart Simpson in art class. My teacher, Mrs. Deery, loved it and hung it up on the wall in front of the classroom. I was proud of myself. The next day, my principal came and took it down, later scolding me for painting something so inappropriate. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with The Simpsons. I have a Homer tattoo on the…