Live Alone and Like It, Marjorie Hillis
Have you read this yet? It’s perfect. It’s from the 1930s, so it’s wonderfully dated, and it’s sprinkled with cautionary tales like The Story Of Miss X, who did not plan out her Saturday and ended up eating crackers grudgingly on the couch.
A Damn Cape With Fur On It
For burrowing into and avoiding eye contact.
The Channel Islands, Santa Barbara, CA
Send her there by herself. No one human lives on these islands. There are no roads or buildings. There is a special type of fox that only lives here. Release your spinster into her natural habitat.
A bed tray
If you have never eaten a meal alone in bed propped up among a bunch of fancy pillows, delicately picking at some soup while looking over the newspaper, you have yet to truly experience Life.
There is no excuse not to go inside a cave at least once. Caves are the secret hearts of mountains.
The Secret History of the Mongol Queens: How the Daughters of Genghis Khan Rescued His Empire, Jack Weatherford
I too hate the construct of “X’s Wife” or “X’s Daughter” in book titles, but don’t blame Jack Weatherford for that. And be honest: would you know the names of Genghis Khan’s daughters without context?
This Old-Timey Looking Coat With Dang Straps Across The Tits For Some Reason
TIT STRAPS. Wear this while reading Villette, or solving a crime while riding your bicycle.
Snowshoes
For escaping friends and enemies alike swiftly and soundlessly.
The Light of Truth: Writings of An Anti-Lynching Crusader, Ida B. Wells
Because you can never have too many books about Ida B. Wells.
This Majestic Desk
I can’t afford this, obviously, and neither can you (if you can, please consider buying it for me), but just look at it. It looks like a damn ship. You could bestride it and take to the sea in it, like a coracle.
This Brown Lipstick That Was Made For A Witch’s Smile
When And Where I Enter, Paula J. Giddings
Paula Giddings is a remarkable writer who writes about remarkable Black women. It’s a no-brainer, guys.
Natori Window Pane Dressing Gown
Okay, Natori is not cheap, but this is on sale for ninety dollars! Which is…still not cheap. But it goes with your bed tray!
Tags: advice, consumerism, gift guides, spinsters
THAT DEEEEESK UNGGGHHH I NEED IT.
yesssss dark lipstick
I recently purchased an excellent dark plum lipstick and when I wore it to visit my mom she called me “Morticia.” JOKE’S ON HER BECAUSE THAT IS LIKE THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT.
Morticia is ONLY PERFECTION ITSELF
Dark Plum Lipsticks 4 Lyfe!!!!
Always dark plum lippy!
#iwokeuplikethis #flawless
This list is 1000% perfect and accurate.
Yes. And I hope I am somebody’s favourite spinster.
TIT STRAPS are really more fun with a partner who can then be ruthlessly shooed away after the fun times.
IMHO.
Ahhh Ida B. Wells! I shrieked with glee when I saw her. Also I am totally buying that first book for a spinster whose birthday is coming up…
“Because you can never have too many books about Ida B. Wells” perfectly sums up my own book-buying philosophy.
If I were a bookseller, it would be my policy to have at least one book on Ida B. Wells on front display at all times.
The Secret History of the Mongol Queens is so good.
Inarguable fact: Live Alone And Like It is the greatest book ever written. “Do not think that four bed jackets are too many for the woman living on her own,” she advises. “There is no place more pleasurable than the single bed (we are NOT being vulgar).”
There’s also a long section where she gives advice on how to subtly undermine all of the friends you dislike most to make them jealous of you. And on the occasion that you live in an apartment with no kitchen, she gives detailed instruction on how to store your alcohol. But not actual food, that’s just pointless.
I was just coming down to the comments to say that this list is almost perfect, just needs some bed jackets.
The cape could do in a pinch.
Ooooohkay I need this book like I have needed nothing else in my life.
There is no place more pleasurable than the single bed
I live in bliss with my beloved Burgomaster, but we have separate beds and I can attest to this statement of pleasure. My bed is my own and I am willing to share it temporarily, but it is mine and when fun (vulgar) times are over, I am ruthless about reclaiming my own space. In my own bed.
Oh the levels of elegance my habit of eating pizza in bed could be elevated to if I had a tray.
Also, the importance of standing by the sea and thinking big, wonderful thoughts about mortality cannot be overstated.
“Live Alone and Like It” is hilarious and a bit dated, but also surprisingly timeless and I ADORE it. I also love the companion title, “Bubbly on Your Budget: Living Luxuriously on What You Have,” about how to live fabulously on a dime, with chapters like, “You Have to Eat” and “Can You Afford a Husband?”
Wear this while reading Villette
Aaaahhh I am reading Villette right now I am just past the part where the Brettons made Lucy Snowe dress in pink and Monsieur Paul cannot handle it and I am now imagining what futile sputtering remonstrations he would hiss into Lucy Snowe’s ear while she sits, imperturbable and amused, wearing a beautiful blue coat with a cape and tit straps.
SCARLET! I love it! I just reread Villette because I am teaching English in France and it is even more amazing when it is a meta-commentary on your life.
you are amazing
i am amazed
I minored in French but that was so long ago that I can only read those French dialogues very loosely, so I am sure I am missing all kinds of scathing subtextual side-eye about Continental peoples
oh, jeez, do i want the tit-strap jacket. SO PRETTY.
THE CAPE IS ON SALE. IT IS A HIGHLY IMPRACTICAL GARMENT FOR A LARGE-HANDBAG-TOTER LIKE MYSELF BUT MAYBE I NEED IT JUST MAYBE. eEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee
Don’t do it! Sheinside makes terrible quality clothes and are a terrible company all around
Duly noted! Thanks for the warning.
Seconding these thanks! Since even a high-quality version would be too short and look weird on Tall Me, but also I neeeeed a cape. :\
THANK YOU. I gasped out loud when I saw that it’s only $63, then started having second thoughts about how it’s probably crap, then got distracted by the photo again. I will close that tab!
Yeah, that was my question. These have GOT to be just the worst quality ever, right?
I very nearly bought this cape some months back! And then I did some digging and literally every review of this company was “they never sent me my clothes and they kept my money forever” type stuff. Heartbroken. But then I bought a coat that makes me look like Anna Karenina, only less suicidey.
Not impulse buying that coat with money I really don’t have is counting as my achievement of the day. Maybe the week. That is how hard it was, and also how little I expect to achieve this week.
I am counting my lucky stars that it does not come in my size, because otherwise the temptation would be acute.
My library has Live Alone and Like It for Kindle download and I just borrowed it. I’m so excited! Now I just need a luxurious cape and I will be all set to celebrate Christmas.
THE CAPE. THE BED TRAY. AAAAHHHHHHHH
Also, I have wanted a portrait of Ida B. Wells for a while now, so that it can either hang in my office or sit on my desk. Possibly next to a stack of pamphlets extolling her greatness to hand to anyone who asks “Who’s that?”. nbd.
Yes, the Channel Islands look like a suitable location for Toast Commune.
Except San Miguel, the Navy does things there they won’t talk about.
Wanapalei is our patroness.
You could also wear the blue coat when riding your bike on the way to perform some midwifery.
Yes I’ve been watching Call the Midwife.
I started watching Call the Midwife after offhandedly suggesting it to my boyfriend while scrolling through Netflix, thinking he’d politely demur.
Now, however, when we are thinking of what to watch he excitedly asks, “WANT TO WATCH THE NURSES AGAIN??”
I am pleased.
My husband and I LOVE Call the Midwife, and duly cry at the end of every episode, if not also in the middle. Babies! Nuns! Period costumes! Young ladies! Middle-aged ladies! Peripheral men adoring the young and middle-aged ladies!
It’s so good! With so much crying!
Haha! My husband likes to refer to it as “Call the Hygienist!” which is also pretty accurate and we are both fans too.
who knew it was such good marital/domestic bliss fare. There is nothing like The Wire or Top of the Lake, but this comes in a happy third.
“Midwife in in the 50s in the poor part of London” is my career goal after watching that show
True story, my immigrant great-grandmother was a midwife in the poor, Polish part of Pittsburgh after they arrived in the 30s or so. I wish my grandma was alive because I would love to hear her stories of her; my mom even has vague memories of going out on calls with her and how calm she was when everyone else was freaking out. I sure wish I knew more about her!
Ugh, YES. You had me at Live Alone and Like It.
That navy coat is my dream.
LOVE THIS but guys, I have to ask if these Sheinside links are sponsored? They’re truly terrible (misrepresenting their clothing on the site, everything is horrible quality produced in awful conditions, and they regularly rip off artists by straight up printing their art on a shirt without crediting or paying them, i.e. what happened to Gemma Correll)
Oh, that’s good information to have! I will take the pictures as suggestions of style and avoid the actual company.
Also, the cape at least comes from China and the Chinese fur industry is cruel, cruel, cruel. Don’t google it unless you want to spend the rest of the day crying and clawing your eyes out-its as bad as you’d imagine.
Oh my god, it didn’t even occur to me that they might be sponsored. And that makes so much sense. But she inside are really awful.
y’all we wouldn’t run a sponsored post that wasn’t LABELED AS SPONSORED! I WOULD NOT DO YOU IN THAT FASHION
No, I just like the shit out of how that cape looks
That’s their trick! I definitely almost fell for it but then I looked up some info about the company + saw Gemma Correll’s post and uugggh. Sorry to be annoying about this but I was like noooo Toast don’t endorse this mess
Ooo yeah, I actually did order some stuff once because I was like, “It’s all $5 dollars and cute, how amazing!” And like 75% of it was unwearable for either quality or ridiculously inaccurate sizing reasons sooooo don’t order from there, just Pin everything and find better quality versions elsewhere.
When I moved in with the man who is now Mr. Delperro, I wistfully gave my copy of Live Alone and Like it to my young neighbor. I do hope she learned its lessons better than I.
A friend of mine has a desk similar to that one, and while it is gorgeous, her cats are always pulling the books out. Personally, I am a dog person (my spinster heroine is Diana/Artemis), but you may wish to consider this if your spinsterdom runs towards having a lot of cats.
Between “raccoon fur” and “not contain velvet” (??) I am very dubious about that cape. But capes in general are glorious. I got this one as a birthday gift for myself. I’ve been keeping it at the office because it is FREEZING in here and it has been an A+ investment so far. Except for the part where every time I wear it, at least one person (usually a man) feels the need to stop by and say, “Are you cold?” or some idiotic shit like that.
Men should not bother women by asking, “Are you cold?” unless they intend to cover you with furs. Go away, dear sir. You have no business here.
Her face is exactly the face I would make. A little confused that the offer was genuine, a lot charmed by the chivalry, with a bit of, “whaaaat is happening?” mixed in.
Bless you, Hiddleston.
Last weekend I stopped into a leather goods store on the way to buy some glasses, and the greeter inside asked me if I was cold, to which I truthfully replied yes. Then she offered me a complimentary cappuccino or tea to warm up! I spent the next 15 minutes wandering around the store drinking my cappuccino and admiring leather goods I couldn’t afford, then left significantly more caffeinated.
Best possible result of someone asking if you are cold.
I had an internship in college where my job was to watch video of Channel Island Foxes in an enclosure which had a captive and wild-born male and female fox who were supposed to be mating so their offspring could be released to repopulate the Channel Islands with appropriate foxes.
The reason I needed to watch this video is, it turns out, the foxes were comically bad at successfully mating. Males kept missing the hole where they were supposed to be inserting their penis, so they would ejaculate underneath the female, or all over her back. Or, if they actually made it in properly, they’d get stuck in what is called a copulatory tie and not be able to get back out (see one of my favorite wikipedia pages for context: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canine_penis). So I just fastforwarded through video of foxes hanging out until I saw THE TELLTALE SIGNS of approaching fox sex. Then I would have to slow the video down and make note of all courtship behaviors, and (usually) why they ultimately failed at properly having fox sex.
Some animals just don’t want to be saved.
I love the jobs people have FOR SCIENCE.
So the difference between those foxes and men are that the foxes at least make nice stoles.
A+
This comment actually made my day. From “appropriate foxes” to “missing the hole,” it was truly a masterpiece.
Snowshoes and rollerskates. Flee efficiently in all weathers.
I added all the books to my Amazon wishlist right now, and for some reason the Mongol Queens one also had the option to add it to a baby registry. I hope this is data-driven marketing, and that the book has been added to baby registries often enough that now Amazon just recommends it.
Please add to the list a musical instrument like a banjo or accordion that is ill-favored (by fools). My banjo is set to arrive in the mail next week (seriously), can’t wait.
ugh i dream of one day playing the banjo, but mostly i know i lack any musical talent. i just like listening to it.
Or bagpipes! Very effective for keeping men away (except for the good ones).
I like the idea of just carrying around bagpipes to whip out at the sign of an approaching Man, or kept secretly in a handbag to starting playing whenever and wherever a conversation takes an unpleasant turn.
I came across busker playing the bagpipes in Baltimore the other day, and it was the best thing ever. Also, very good for crowd dispersal.
Harmonium. Only slightly singed when the church burned down.
Wonderful. The very best harmoniumeur was, of course, Nico.
… _just_ bought A Blue Coat With Appropriately Pragmatic Straps And Buckles, which is _also_ garnished with fur, which I was _just_ rubbing my face in when I read this, so this is perf forever and I have no useful comments except today is A Really Good Day On The Toast. I also appreciate the bed tray, gown, and reading recommendations.
As a spinster whose Twitter bio is “I live alone and like it” I heartily endorse this entire list. I’ll take Marjorie Hillis’s book and that desk to display it on, for starters!
My single gal impulse purchase of the day was a Fierce Indigenous Feminist shirt. (Purple! Also comes as a grey hoodie! Supports sex workers in my ‘hood!)
http://teespring.com/kwetoday
But I probably need a Mongol Queen book to read while wearing my shirt, right?
Me too!! I also actually need a new jacket but I am scared to buy one that I can’t try on!
I was watching some more of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries last night (by myself, of course), and it was the episode where she tells one of her hot boyfriends that he’s getting too attached and he should know she can never commit herself to a man, and all the cares of the day just washed away.
Relatedly, Miss Fisher is a lady who knows the value of both a good cape and a good bed tray. She is my model in all things.
i live by myself and this is accurate. but sorry, mallory, i am terrified by caves.
Mallory YOU are a gift to spinsters.
Are silk pillowcases and extremely fluffy comforters on this list? Because I think they should be on this list.
yessssss and cases of wine.
I bought an old copy of LIVE ALONE AND LIKE it at a library book sale when I was about 15. Loved it then, reread it from time to time. I’ll pass it on to my daughter in a few years. Didn’t know it had been reissued–great news.
A cape (w/out fur or with faux-fur) plus long gloves a la Olivia Pope.
Half way through this post I paused to email my mom and ask her for a bed tray and a teakettle for Christmas. Then I got to the end and was like, shit, forgot I need a gorgeous, non-fleece bathrobe.
SPINSTER4LYFE.
I was going to ask my mom for Live Alone and Like It for Christmas, but I think perhaps it is a book that a woman must purchase for herself, or be given by another spinster.
I can only watch one episode about every six weeks because of all of the crying and the feelings.
I think I took like a four month break after the preeclampsia episode, and that was only the second one in the series.
Ugggh this is why it’s been on my To Watch list forever. I’m afraid of all the emotions! Plus when I get home from work I normally just want to watch a comedy and zone out.
Goddamnit Mallory, I just read Villette and I have been craving a specific coat that I cannot afford that looks just like that one, minus the random straps. Why do you do this to me? Now I am nearly convinced that by reading Villette I have EARNED that coat.
PS Villette is AMAZING!
I was JUST SAYING I needed more robes to match my bed trays!
What if eating crackers is just your life policy? Asking for a friend.
My credit card is glowing.
Why was Miss X eating crackers grudgingly on the couch? Did she not have a nice cheese selection?
She LACKED THE FORESIGHT to call up her other lady friends and have long conversations where she gradually undermined their confidence and convinced them all that she was the most fabulous person they knew, then soak her fingernails in hot olive oil, and then finish up the night by reading a good book. ALSO she believed in Economizing in the Bedroom and so her bed furnishings and garments were all sad and uncomfortable and unpleasant to look at. Under the guidance of Live Alone and Like It, you will never be in Miss X’s forlorn state.
YES PLEASE.
“The Story Of Miss X, who did not plan out her Saturday and ended up eating crackers grudgingly on the couch.”
I am Miss X.
GREAT, now I own a bed tray.
So I knew I loved you before, but then you dropped “coracle” like a boss, and now I love you more.
I really want to send this link and the list of types of spinsters link to my mom. I am about 94% sure she would think they’re hilarious, but a litle worried that she might be miffed that I’m calling her a spinster. But this is the woman who got shingles and was glad to have an excuse not to go to her sisters’ Thanksgivings, so she could spend four glorious days alone with no co-workers or family or humans. And never even thought about going on a date or anything since divorcing my dad in 198…6? because “men are scum.” I think I’ve just talked myself into sending the links.
OK this is hella late and i doubt anyone is still commenting but SPEAKING OF POWERFUL SPINSTERS there is a puzzle/board game cafe in Taipei called “Witch House” that is run by women and has punny drinks and food AND if you’re a lady you can get a discount by doing push-ups in front of the staff, this is really off topic but I might forget about it again and I needed to tell everyone!
I am so glad you told us!!!
NO THIS IS VERY ON TOPIC
The Toast has just, completely ruined my life goals. All I want now is a rambling old manse on some grey, windswept coast to pen my musings in, while wearing dressing gowns, drinking a lot of tea, and generally eschewing other people’s company.
Not a spinster, but I’m a bachelor who just so happens to be 32, and I have dreamed of owning this beautiful chair/bookshelf combo since seeing a picture of it online.
I saw this title and thought, “this is the perfect place to find my christmas gift for man.”
Wish I was rich/not a young ‘un, because she *needs* that bathrobe and tit strap jacket.
Oh my god. I am writing a book about Marjorie Hillis. I am so happy to know that somebody else has heard of her, and now promise me you’ll all buy my book? 🙂
I ALREADY HAVE THAT BED TRAY.
Haha! My husband likes to refer to it as "Call the Hygienist!" which is also pretty accurate and we are both fans too.
who knew it was such good marital/domestic bliss fare. There is nothing like The Wire or Top of the Lake, but this comes in a happy third.
Sophie Tucker’s “I’m living alone and I like it” —-> http://youtu.be/3Ml-yCLSNh4
The lyrics to this song are GOLD. My life’s new theme song, tbh:
According to the columnists
A rumor still persists
That a certain gentleman and I
Have named a date
Which I must deny
He’s rich and handsome and gallant
And everything a gal could want
But I’ve learned my lesson and anyhow
I like the way that I live now.
‘Cause I’m a one-ticket gal
Free as the breeze
I go where I like, I do what I please
When I lock up my apartment
I’ve got all the keys
I’m living alone and I like it.
If I want to play gin, I stay up and I play gin
I come home when I want to, and when I walk in
There’s nobody growling at me,
“Where the hell have you been?”
I’m living alone and I like it.
I’m a single bed, one pillow mama
And there’s no papa sober or stewed
Who comes come home to wake me,
Nudge me and shake me
To get up and make whoopee when I’m not in the mood.
If I wanna have some fun, if I get bothered and hot
I phone up one of those young, tall, dark handsomes that I’ve got.
So it costs me a 20 or 50, so what?
I’m living alone and I like it
No man buys my dresses or pays for my minks
If I get a new hat trimmed with posies and things
There’s no darling husband yelling at me
To take it off, that it stinks
I buy it, I wear it, and I like it.
If I should go out riding
With some nice young man and he makes a pass
I don’t have to say yes
I don’t have to take any of his sass
Car belongs to me, I’m paying for the gas
He can get right out of the car if he don’t like it
When my gentleman friend comes up to my house for dinner
And it’s very late when we’ve finished with the wine
If in the morning I make him his eggs and his bacon
It ain’t nobody’s business but mine.
As you already know, I’ve had three matrimonial wrecks
And there’s not going to be any forth Mr. X
And I’ll have you know I won’t sign anymore alimony checks
I’m living alone and I like it!
Sophie Tucker's "I'm living alone and I like it" —-> http://youtu.be/3Ml-yCLSNh4
The lyrics to this song are GOLD. My life's new theme song, tbh:
According to the columnists
A rumor still persists
That a certain gentleman and I
Have named a date
Which I must deny
He's rich and handsome and gallant
And everything a gal could want
But I've learned my lesson and anyhow
I like the way that I live now.
'Cause I'm a one-ticket gal
Free as the breeze
I go where I like, I do what I please
When I lock up my apartment
I've got all the keys
I'm living alone and I like it.
If I want to play gin, I stay up and I play gin
I come home when I want to, and when I walk in
There's nobody growling at me,
"Where the hell have you been?"
I'm living alone and I like it.
I'm a single bed, one pillow mama
And there's no papa sober or stewed
Who comes come home to wake me,
Nudge me and shake me
To get up and make whoopee when I'm not in the mood.
If I wanna have some fun, if I get bothered and hot
I phone up one of those young, tall, dark handsomes that I've got.
So it costs me a 20 or 50, so what?
I'm living alone and I like it
No man buys my dresses or pays for my minks
If I get a new hat trimmed with posies and things
There's no darling husband yelling at me
To take it off, that it stinks
I buy it, I wear it, and I like it.
If I should go out riding
With some nice young man and he makes a pass
I don't have to say yes
I don't have to take any of his sass
Car belongs to me, I'm paying for the gas
He can get right out of the car if he don't like it
When my gentleman friend comes up to my house for dinner
And it's very late when we've finished with the wine
If in the morning I make him his eggs and his bacon
It ain't nobody's business but mine.
As you already know, I've had three matrimonial wrecks
And there's not going to be any forth Mr. X
And I'll have you know I won't sign anymore alimony checks
I'm living alone and I like it!
In Jack’s defense, the “daughters of” bit is the subtitle. The proper title calls them the Mongol Queens, which is appropriately badass.
Also, that coat that coat that coat yes please.
NO THIS IS VERY ON TOPIC
Brown lipstick, hollaaaa. This is hilarious. ALSO how could you forget some good ol’ online shopping ideas? As a woman of solitude gifting for another woman of solitude…got my friend a Papirmass art subscription…didn’t even have to leave my house and she didn’t either. Another day without pants. win.
… and her hair is gorgeous. Just saying…
Very nice choices!! I would like to share it if you do not mind, I also write about gifts choices.