REVEREND MOTHER: come here, Paul
there remains one final test for you
the test of the gom jabbar, the test of pain
this will truly reveal whether you are the Kwisatz Haderach
place your hand in my box
PAUL: hahaha
hell yeah
u got it babe
REVEREND MOTHER: oh
oh i see what you —
oh HONESTLY
grow up
JESSICA: the spice extends life
LETO: the spice expands consciousness
REVEREND MOTHER: the spice is vital to space travel
PAUL: the spice gets you high as shit
lol
STILGAR: you who are known as Usul among us must choose your desert name
PAUL: just call me Paul
STILGAR: but you are already called Paul
it is a great honor, to be given a desert name
PAUL: ok fine
my desert name is Stilgar
STILGAR: that is my name
you must choose your own name
PAUL: ok i pick bill
call me desert bill
STILGAR: YOUR DESERT NAME CANNOT BE BILL
PAUL: jesus
fine
whats that by your foot
STILGAR: that is a mouse —
PAUL: great
thats my desert name
mouse
STILGAR: we call it the Muad’D —
PAUL: i already said its my desert name
i dont need you to compose a fucking poem about it
CHANI: Paul, I love you so much
PAUL: love you too babe
CHANI: I think I’m pregnant
PAUL: that is fantastic
just so u know
as like a personal favor
i wont have any children with my wife
just you
CHANI: your what
PAUL: oh i had to get married
to a princess
CHANI: a what
PAUL: dont worry about it babe
its a bunch of boring imperial stuff
princess stuff
youre not a princess so dont worry about it
i married her but like
i dont give a shit about her or anything
im not even going to be nice when i have to have sex with her
CHANI: oh
PAUL: youre welcome
you guys are gonna get along great
you have so much in common
Tags: dune, paul atreides, teenage dirtbags
I have no words, just…<3
TWO articles about Dune?
TWO?
Best day of my liiiiife.
Possibly my most favorite Dirtbag….
Dirtbag Paul Atreides’s facade of indifference cracks again: “HAHAHAH CHECK OUT MY GIANT WORRRRRM! IT’S BIGGER THAN ALL YOUR WORMS!”
Too perfect? Too perfect.
Sandbag Paul Atreides.
Maud’dib brings the promise of water; he brings the dream of a green world, while all other feckless youth are sandbags and must give their water to the tribe, he is a dirtbag because he foretells the time when fertile soil will be so common it can be used to support asshole teens..
Tangentially related: Kyle MacLachlan makes wine. It is called Pursued by Bear, and it is delicious, as is Kyle MacLachlan, I assume.
What do you think he tastes like? Darmn fine coffee with a hint of cherry pie, I bet.
Just sent the Pursued By A Bear wine link to my old Shakespeare professor. I would buy it for the label alone.
Also tangentially related: I like to imagine that his character on Portlandia is actually the same character as he played on Twin Peaks.
I am very glad to find someone else who believes this!
“PAUL: i already said its my desert name i don’t need you to compose a fucking poem about it”
I am going to have to agree with Paul on this one.
Dirtbag Jodorowsky’s Dune
JODOROWSKY:salvador dali i would be honoured if you played the emperor in this movie i am going to make based on a sci fi epic i have never read
DALI: ok cool thats cool but im extremely important and influential, have you seen this moustache seriously
whats a crazy amount to pay an actor in the 70s? 100k? 100k a minute?
i would like 100k a minute please
JODOROWSKY: ok fine youre going to be in my movie for three whole minutes
didnt think id get you there huh
we measure time in dollars here, not melting clocks
(I heartily recommended everyone watch the documentary “Jodorowsky’s Dune” right now)
That sounds pretty cool. I’ll have to look around for it tonight (or is it theater only?).
It’s on Netflix! Here in Canada, at least. It should be pretty easy to find it streaming in any case, it’s been out for about a year!
Darn, US Netflix only has physical DVD. Will have to check Amazon next time the kids are watching something.
I am an abomination who still hasn’t seen or read Dune and I was still getting concerned looks from coworkers while laughing aloud at this. Cheers as always
It’s okay, you can totally skip it. I wish I had.
I have both seen and read it. It has made very little impression. It was kind of weird, that’s about it.
I think there’s a touch of Dirtbag Paul in the DYOON Re-dub.
YES! “You shall be known as Paul Muad ‘Dib”
“Kewl”.
Paul is a literal dirtbag in the books as well though
JESSICA: jetflares behind us!
PAUL: i saw them
JESSICA: hey paul since you know everything, maybe you know how to not be a little shit 🙂
just a thought lmao
my parents wanted me to be like a human computer, a human computer doing the same job as my dad, but i took so many drugs that i’m like beyond being a human computer.
OH YOU.
Gaah! The pedant in me wants to point out that Irulan never got the d from Paul, even in a have-to-have-sex-with-her way.
Irulan resented the snot out of the lack-of-sex and spiked Chani’s breakfast cereal with contraceptives to keep her barren for years, all from sheer spite.
So… Irulan is… a dirtbag? That’s what you’re saying?
Irulan is THE BEST KIND of dirtbag, the kind with literary pretensions.
That’s like 70% of the reason I’m a big fan of the toast: dirtbags with literary pretensions.
I’m worried that this might be Peak Dirtbag. Like…how do you top this? Where do you go from here? Mallory, I’m frightened.
this is amazing, there are no words
Paul: What’s in the box?
Reverend Mother Mohiam: Pain.
Paul: No, the smaller one that looks like it could be an XBOX
CHANI: tell me about your homeworld, Usul
PAUL: um what did you just call me
CHANI: Usul, it means base of the pillar, it is your Fremen name
PAUL: I thought I was mouseman? I mean moon mouse? whatever, the mouse on the moon
CHANI: that is your desert name, Usul is your secret name
PAUL: man how am I supposed to remember all these names
CHANI: you are the Kwizatz Haderach, the Opener of the Way
PAUL: goddamn it there’s another one. which one makes things blow up?
CHANI: the mouse one
PAUL: okay just call me that one in bed
—
CHANI: tell me about your homeworld, Usul
PAUL: um didn’t we have this conversation before
CHANI: no you are tripping balls on time drugs, I am not even here right now lol
—
PAUL: hey why do we call it ‘spice’ when it is clearly a powerful addictive drug
THUFIR: it is not a drug, it is a seasoning, which can also be used as a condiment, and which also happens to grant extended life, psychic powers, and the ability to warp time and space. also it is basically worm jizz. why do you ask?
CHANI: tell me about your homeworld, Usul
PAUL: no reason, I am just going to go wash the taste of worm jizz out of my mouth and then maybe kill myself
—
IRULAN: oh yes I forgot to tell you
CHANI: tell me about your homeworld, Usul
PAUL: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH
This made my day. EXCELLENT
PAUL: man these dunes would be great for 4-wheeling
STILGAR: in order to prove your place among us, you must ride a worm
PAUL: are you coming on to me
STILGAR: no i mean the giant sandworm, Shai-Hulud, the maker, Grandfather Worm, father of eternity
PAUL: god you people have so many names for shit
—
STILGAR: you have summoned a mighty worm, mount it quickly
PAUL: this is not totally gay at all, dude
(PAUL RUNS OVER AND SHOVES HIS CROWBAR THING INSIDE THE WORM)
PAUL: hey check it out, this thing is full of condoms
STILGAR: those are the membranous gills, they are irritated by exposure to the sand, hang on and ride to the top
PAUL: take me for a ride, giant penis worm
STILGAR: Muad’dib do not shame our ways
PAUL: dude you have to admit this thing looks like a giant penis
STILGAR: …
PAUL: a giant penis stuffed with condoms
STILGAR: …
PAUL: oh man this is a total rush, riding this giant penis, i see now why you guys are so into it. WOOOOOO! HI HO PENIS, AWAY! I AM THE KING OF THE PENIS RIDERS
STILGAR: Muad’Dib this is a sacred rite among us
PAUL: oh hey sorry man, i forget, which one of us is the space messiah
STILGAR: >:(
PAUL: HEY GUYS WATCH THIS
(PAUL MAKES HIS WORM REAR UP AND JERK BACK AND FORTH)
PAUL: OH YEAH OH YEAH UH HUH UNNHH UNHHH HERE COMES THE SPICE, BABY
—
(MANY HOURS LATER)
PAUL: WOOOHOOOOO EXTREME PENIS WORM SURFING YEEAAHHH SO AWESOME
(PAUL DOES KICKFLIPS AND OLLIES ON HIS WORM ALL OVER THE ARRAKEEN DESERT)
“kickflips and ollies all over the desert”
thank you
Darn, US Netflix only has physical DVD. Will have to check Amazon next time the kids are watching something.
Paul Atreides, calling it like it is.
Irulan is THE BEST KIND of dirtbag, the kind with literary pretensions.