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Screen Shot 2014-12-14 at 11.37.28 PMI was having an argument with someone who is Wrong the other day about which Kid in the Hall is the most indispensable (BRUCE, UNQUESTIONABLY) and we came down hard on different sides of the Kevin fence.

Is every single Kid in the Hall a precious gem forged in the fire-petals of Heaven? Of course. Will I ever achieve over the course of my lifetime even one-sixteenth of the greatness of one of the less impressive Buddy Cole sketches? No, never. THAT SAID: Kevin is the weak link, KITH-wise.

I hear you. I feel you. I get it. No one wants to pick a weak link, obviously, but it has to be said. Obviously it cannot be Dave or Scott. There’s no one out there so committed to contrarianism that she’d willingly kick Paul McCartney out of the Beatles. Dave and Scott are tentpoles. Pillars of strength. Consort battleships (Eliza, I like you this way). Eliminate them immediately from contention.

This leaves Mark, Bruce and Kevin. You cannot cut Bruce. You cannot. Without Bruce there is no “fine ham abounds,” no one to play pre-teen characters. None of the others have his innocence — Dave also has a boy’s face, but there is too much of the eternal devil in his smirk to convincingly sell the pathos of the Businessman sketch.

I can understand — barely — ranking Mark below Kevin because he tends to go less weird. Mark swung for the fences less often, perhaps. But he made an enchanting woman, which is 2/3rds of what makes a Kids in the Hall a Kid in the Hall.

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No, the order is — the order must always be — Bruce, Scott, Dave, Mark, Kevin. They are all high above us all, but they must adhere to their native ranks. I will admit no flaw with this line of succession.

Please enjoy “Terriers.”

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