Previously: The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Intimate Grooming and Tipping and Recipes.
1. I’m 36 weeks and ready to EXPLODE, I need self-induction tips. I’ve tried rough sex, pineapple, bumpy roads, walking, evening primrose oil, castor oil, eggplant, nipple stimulation, the Coffee Potty, reflexology and I spend four hours a day on my exercise ball. Ladies, help!
2. Who else is getting their boy circumcised? NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS PLS.
3. Does this mean anything??? PIC INCLUDED
4. Very TMI: Pooping during delivery (different question than all the posts ive seen)
5. I went through my husband’s phone and he calls this one number whenever I’m out of the house, I’m going to call it. UPDATE ON PAGE SIX: throwing his shit onto the lawn
6. I’m GBS+, but I hear that putting a peeled garlic clove up there with some yogurt will protect my baby and is better than antibiotics, does it have to be plain yogurt? I only have strawberry-banana.
7. Is anyone still having sex?
8. Only to try to jumpstart labor lollll
9. No
10. CONSTANTLY I am wet 24/7
11. Is this my mucous plug? PIC INCLUDED
12. let’s all post selfies of how we REALLY look
13. I’m gonna be 39 weeks at Christmas but my parents-in-law expect us to make the six hour drive out to their farm, so should I still feel obliged to make my usual croquembouche?
14. MY DOCTOR WON’T INDUCE ME UNLESS I’M OVERDUE
15. I’m 1cm dilated and 50% effaced, is that good?
16. I was 6cm dilated and 100% effaced for six weeks, it doesn’t mean anything.
17. In Labor and Delivery: Round Three. Monday 3 am (48 hours into Labor)
18. I think my contractions are in my butt, is that normal?
19. MY CUNT SISTER STOLE MY BABY NAME
20. All six of my kids were preemies and spent a total of nineteen years in the NICU and you whiny-ass ladies need to suck it the fuck UP and wait until your stupid kids are born.
21. What’s the deal with evening primrose oil?
22. What’s in your hospital bag?
23. I AM FORMULA FEEDING BY CHOICE, no negative comments!
24. tips for moving things along? does anyone know anything about evening primrose oil?
25. I think I might be in labor HELP.
26. can u sweep your own membranes? can your husband sweep your membranes?
27. Do you put evening primrose oil in your vag or do you take it orally?
28. my back hurts, is this labor? help!
29. are you vaxx’ing?
30. you DO know that vaccines are made from aborted fetuses, right?
31. What’s the first thing you’re going to eat SUSHI FOR ME.
32. I’m going to have coffee, I miss coffee!
33. lol i’ve been drinking coffee this whole time
34. Well, I just couldn’t live with myself if I gave my baby autism or something.
35. Is anyone else still here? I feel like I’m gonna be pregnant forever.
36. Ladies, you all need to CALM DOWN. We’re all uncomfortable, but our babies will be here soon enough. Let’s just enjoy this time and not try to rush through it. Think about all the women who can’t even have babies.
37. Seriously, fuck you, lady.
38. If you put evening primrose oil in your vagina, do you poke a hole in the capsule first?
Tags: babies, comment sections, humor, if u use this hilarious post to fight about circumcision i will end u, pregnancy, the internet
Oh my god, “I only have strawberry banana.” LADY. Everyone knows it has to be coconut yogurt or the baby will come out backwards.
I heard it was inside-out.
Oh my god. Burst out laughing in a meeting when I hit “MY CUNT SISTER STOLE MY BABY NAME”.
SO TRUE NICOLE IT’S ALL SO TRUE. Especially the “I’m planning to do something incredibly controversial to my child and don’t you DARE tell me why I shouldn’t” posts. The only thing missing is something about opting out of the vitamin K shot and antibiotic eyedrops. And maybe something about doulas? And birth plans?
ETA: Oh god and also a “I am having an elective C-section at 39 weeks NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS PLS”. OK I think you could probably do a part II of this and still hit a lot of the old chestnuts of the genre. Holy cow are pregnant ladies ever predictable.
+10 for any c-section post, ha!
antibiotic eyedrops! Mr. Floridagal’s mom is TO THIS DAY convinced that the hospital wanted to put steroid drops in Mr. Floridagal’s older brother’s eyes when he was born, and consequently had her other 9 children at home, and will rant at you in detail about how horrible all doctors are, how they wanted to kill her baby, etc.
HAPPY BABY, NICOLE!
Also literally everything that gets posted here about pregnancy makes me want to sell my uterus on the black market.
I feel you, I want to sell my ovaries. Is that legal? I know you can sell some eggs but what if you want… none eggs?
none eggs with left tube tied
My only regret is that I have but one like to give this.
Like a side-pony for your uterus
Gives your uterus a rakish, devil-may-care air.
I’d totally sell mine if the payment included the buyer paying for all hormone treatments forever, and living expenses during recovery time, AND a nice big check because I’m handing over a nice healthy unused babymaker.
yes same here I do not plan to use that organ how can i get rid of it
There should definitely be an organ swap-shop.
Oh my god let’s make this a thing. I will need a kidney one day, and I’m pretty sure I won’t use my womb box
#18
I’m not even pregnant and I’m pretty sure my contractions are in my butt most days.
(I should really rethink my diet.)
WHAT IS COFFEE POTTY. WHAT IS THAT.
I GOOGLED IT AT WORK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. You basically turn your toilet into a french press and steam your vulva with the coffee water. What a waste of coffee.
WAT WHY IS THIS A THING.
What does it DO?????
How do you get hot water in your toilet???
What… is even the fake science behind this idea? My imagination is failing me!
I’m …. I have no idea but maybe something about coffee/caffeine being a stimulant? Or?????
I refuse to google this at work because I am not as brave as deniserayman, but my guess is that it’s something about how caffeine relaxes smooth muscle, smooth muscle includes the uterus, relaxed uterus = labor happens? It doesn’t quite follow and I doubt you’d get the caffeine concentration you’d need from… dilute lukewarm coffee steam, but… there’s your fake science!
This is really good fake science. You could work in the supplement industry.
what the actual fuck
Noooooooooooo no no nope nope no forever nope.
Oh wow oh wow. Humanity is incredible, people.
Like ye olde cure for a wandering womb where you just waft nice-smelling things up there to tempt it back down, because clearly wombs are hungry caffeine fiends.
I’m sure my uterus is a hungry caffeine fiend, as are all my organs. My body is a jittery Bedlam inside.
That was a much less popular John Mayer song.
Much less popular, but much more honest.
…the shit?
Well hey it might make you shit? That one I’d believe much more than inducing labor.
There was a Vice article about steaming your vagina (with herbs??) recently that I am totally not going to google at work right now.
That sounds like the world’s most terrifying recipe. “Steamed vagina with herbs.”
NO
WHAT
NO
I want to like your comment for actually googling this to enlighten the rest of us, yet the content of your post is unlikeable. I am torn.
I more concerned about what “sweeping membranes” entails! (But not, you know, willing-to-Google concerned)
I am pointedly not Googling ANYTHING from this post. Sweeping Membranes? GBS+? Effaced? Croquembouche? Don’t know, don’t want to know.
WHAT. I thought it meant like… you drank a lot of coffee and just pooped yourself til the baby wanted to come.
I guess… this is better? I guess? WHY, THOUGH. WHY. Are babies attracted to coffee smells?
I…I really like coffee, coffee does not deserve this sort of treatment
although I guess if you’ve been pregnant for an entire pregnancy and not ALLOWED coffee you probably feel like you need some revenge
I snort-guffawed while tucked up in bed. So loudly that the cat became indignant.
This is a masterpiece!
Was this inspired by The Bump?
I’m going to say definitely yes, in my highly professional opinion.
I don’t think it’s mean enough to be from The Bump.
I ate 3 large bowls of Captain Crunchberry before my water broke, and a few hours later my daughter came out of me with a sugar high.
Congratulations, Nicole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, ho ho, my baby belly (can no longer reasonably call it a “bump”) shook like a bowl full of jelly all through this. ONLY FOUR WEEKS TO GO. UNLESS IT TAKES LONGER. HA HAA.
Oh my GOD this is timely. My husband is off this week and texted me at lunch saying “Uh your mom called me to talk about pregnancy and ovulating” and I’m at work so I can’t call her to (calmly) yell at her but OMG. MOM. I know you want grandkids but you’re going to have to step the fuck off this one and for fuck’s sake, don’t call my husband and tell him about the ovulation process, not that he can’t handle it but if you’re going to discuss this with anyone WHAT ABOUT ME, YOUR DAUGHTER, THE ONE WHO WILL ACTUALLY BE GETTING PREGNANT?
At least when my mother-in-law sets in on my husband about pregnancy she does it in a language I don’t speak so all I get is what my husband relays and it’s much easier for me to stomach.
LOL!
The worst so far for me is my mom getting drunk and telling me and my boyfriend that modern birth control is too damn effective.
*jaw drops*
Some of this was so Hey Ladies that it just. Wow.
Congrats, Nicole!!!
I really can’t wait for the hey ladies about Jen’s baby shower. Or any of their baby showers. It will be amazing.
Yes! I think babies are the next step for the hey ladies group – even after the pregnancy and baby showers, they’d have the kids’ birthday parties to plan as well!
And getting weirdly competitive about which schools they send their kids to. This series could go on for the Ladies’ entire lives.
Oh man, now gearing up for decades of stressed-out reading…
I’m waiting to hear about which nurses in the retirement home are stealing Jen’s things while she’s asleep.
I want to hear about the Hey Ladies baby pinterest boards. A friend is pregnant and pinned a how to for “pain relief pads,” which looked like sanitary pads with various essential oils and aloe vera on them??? and I feel like that follows pretty directly from DIY colonics.
so. I think this is actually a thing? My pregnancy ended kind of abruptly and rather early (we’re all fine! The baby is great!! She is 7 months and won’t sleep at night and only wants to hang out on the boob in the bed with me, but yea for otherwise healthy!!), so I’m not all up on the postpartum whatevs. BUT, I think “padsicles” are legit and not woo woo fake medicine? Rather, it’s like I am feeling chafed / destroyed, and this cool compress may take the edge off.
In general, pregnancy / postpartum self care is soooooo weird, because on the one hand, you don’t want to fall victim to the medical industrial complex for no reason, but you DO want to, you know, follow sound medical advice, and you KNOW that there’s some kind of “wisdom of the ages” stuff out there that must do some good because humans made it this far without all the drugs (albeit, fewer humans than would have made it WITH the drugs, of course) but some shit sounds super weird and wrong and how do you know?????
The biggest issue is that these things are usually written at SUCH a low register that it all sounds very very untrustworthy, even though there may be a kernel of usefulness in there?
Anyway. Yes. All of the above are 100% accurate.
Oh man I really don’t want to criticize or de-legitimize something that genuinely works for pain relief! And having a cool compress doesn’t sounds like “woo woo fake medicine” at all. I think what freaked me out was (a) getting medical advice from pinterest, which has more than its fair share of snake oil, and (b) the multiple bottles of scented and oiled products sitting next to the pads in the photos. Gotta be careful with that stuff! Infections are irritation are always a risk.
But you’re entirely right about the “kernel of usefulness” and I was in the wrong to make such a flippant comment without considering that. Please accept my apologies.
hey, no worries!! I am SUPER not ruffled about this. Just wanted to respond because this is all so weird and hard to figure out and ACTUAL DOCTORS don’t often tell you about things that don’t require a prescription, even when there are lots of those things out there that could maybe be helpful, but not from necessarily reputable sources, so. . . yipes! Also, totally hear you re: Pinterest / medical advice (EEEEEK). Although snake oil might be a nice addition to a padsicle? =P But yes, all the scented stuff sounds like it might be more irritating than soothing on open-and-wounded lady parts. OUCH.
Also, let’s be honest. If we can’t be flippant on The Toast, then what is the world coming to????
The need for cold compresses after labor had genuinely never occurred to me.
…I think my labia are trying to crawl inside my body to escape.
Honey, you have NO IDEA
WORD.
Padsicles are the best thing ever.
My friend pinned a thing that was something like “The Things They Don’t Tell You About Labor” and one of the huge things that had NEVER occurred to me, despite being around for many, many births, is that it will hurt like a motherfucker when you pee after you give birth. This lady recommended bringing a particular type of wipe with aloe vera that would soothe the skin afterward, and also had tips for how to pee without the urine getting into your open wounds, and I was like WHY THE FUCK IS THIS NOT COMMON KNOWLEDGE, LIKE POOPING ON THE TABLE? How many women do you think have this delightful discovery for the first time as they’re on the toilet after a 36-hour birth?
Nah, at the hospital they give you a fun little squeezy bottle and encourage you to spray away whilst peeing (and to use the warm water inside to ‘wipe’). So even if you made it through birth class without hearing about that one, you shouldn’t be surprised by PAIN PEE unless your post-delivery nurse is terrible.
This is one fairly unknown side benefit of having a C-section. Because you’ve gone through major surgery, the nurses tell you EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) about what to gear up for when you get home – about peeing, about farting, about bleeding, about pads, etc. No unpleasant pee surprises, is what I’m saying.
It didn’t hurt for me to pee, I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. Like my muscles were all used to doing something else and were like “Pee? What is this basic bodily function I’ve been doing for 30 years?”
But yeah, otherwise peri bottles are great.
You can buy herbed pantyliners in China. Apparently they come in different “flavors” and some of them make your bits more tingly than others. (A friend accidentally bought some in China.)
Ooh I hope it’s NOT Jen that gets pregnant first. I mean it probably will be, but maybe, like, after Charlotte leaves the group she gets married to a great guy and just sends out an email to all her friends because she’s just! so! happy! ……. but then all the other girls step in and Ruin Everything.
Or Ali will be two days late and automatically assume she is PREG OMG and starts a whole drama about it and there are countless emails over the course of 72 hours planning an extravagant baby shower that costs everybody like zillions of dollars not to mention how ECSTATIC her one-night hookup is gonna be (Divorced Guy?) and then lol oops guys got my period sry love u all ttyl
this is the version of Hey Ladies: Pregnancy Edition that we all deserve
Yep, that’s our Ali. And it would be a DESTINATION baby shower.
OMG Divorced Guy!! And she’d get super-serious about how nobody had better even THINK of having sushi during this time, because she totes has to give it up until the baby comes, and it’s just selfish for you guys to remind me of how I can’t have that.
19. MY CUNT SISTER STOLE MY BABY NAME
Totally read this as ” my cunt stole my baby name”.
I first saw it as
19. MY CUNT SISTER STOLE MY BABY
And I was surprised that the situation arises so frequently that it makes Nicole’s list.
I read it as “My Cunt-Sister”, like that’s some kind of moniker for a close friend or something.
The less polite version of Eskimo Siblings.
It’s the modern “bosom buddies.”
I laughed so hard! At all of these.
CONGRATS ON NO LONGER BEING PREGNANT.
This is perfect Nicole. I just wish some of this was fiction.
Right? IT’S ALL TOO TRUE.
(although the spelling is far far far better than any baby board I every frequented)
37 and a half fucking weeks here. Laughed til I cried. Almost laughed til I peed; thank god you stopped at 38.
That would have been 38
31. What’s the first thing you’re going to eat SUSHI FOR ME.
Well, I mean, yes.
God these were all so good. Congratulations, Nicole!
Yup. Have 2 kids, had sushi in the hospital during both hospital stays. Because OBVIOUSLY.
My favorite are people’s induction tricks, where they’re like, “I was 42 weeks along, and pineapple worked great to induce!” DID IT. Or did you just, you know, have the baby as you would have anyway?
That was my feeling about pretty much every suggested induction trick. Someone bragged on my FB that her kid was born on its due date after “an hour of swim jogging in the pool did the trick!” and I was like fuck you, I can barely walk down the block. (Helixjr was born a week late, and nothing in particular seemed to spur labor.)
Congrats on poppin’ that babe out!
“Does anyone have that eggplant parmesan recipe, it’s supposed to be 100%?”
“We don’t have any baby proofing done I am freaking out baby is due in two days.”
“Is it too late to get a doula?”
“What’s the absolute _latest_ I can go to the hospital?”
“Bringing a boom box so that I can play ‘Final Countdown’ as I walk into the maternity ward.”
uh now I want to get pregnant and play Final Countdown as I go to the labour and delivery room PLEASE.
That song, or the one from Star Wars when C3PO and R2D2 are on the Jawa transport.
I’d somehow managed not to realize how very Peter and the Wolf that part of the soundtrack is.
My cousin’s husband totally played Final Countdown while she pushed her second baby out. She was… not pleased.
ngl I sent the eggplant parm recipe to a friend’s wife yesterday, and this to her today.
Have you seen the Geico commercial with Salt an Pepa where they are singing Push it in the Lamaze class?
Totally playing this as I walk down the OR. Brilliant.
Congratulations, Nicole!
congratulations to you and your family, nicole!
It’s going in my vagina for christ’s sake
No no it’s coming out of your vagina you might be doing it wrong
It’s a doberman; let it have its ears.
It is not a doberman, it is a human child. (maybe this was a joke I didn’t pick up on?)
Congratulations, Nicole! We loooooooooove you! I wish we could each give the little one a gift like the fairies in “Sleeping Beauty”- and Maleficent would come too and give the baby a cool Dark Magic power. Because of course you’d invite Maleficent.
Maleficent, the Fairy Godmother of Side-eye
Congratulations!
Also, I was totally the person who posted an Idiot Post at 36 weeks about “I think my water broke but I was in the shower so I can’t tell, help!” On the plus side, my water actually DID break, so I didn’t get as much grief as I would’ve otherwise.
Congratulations, Nicole and Baby!
GOOD JOB AT BIRTHING A NEW LIFE NICOLE
It is all the true-est. I have to go visit my BC board now for some additional hilarity. (P.S. Congratulations!!)
… so is that “CUNT SISTER” as in invective (“my sister, the little shit, stole my baby name”) or is there a notion of cunt-sisterhood on these boards? (conceivably: my friend who got pregnant at roughly the same time as me)? I HONESTLY CANNOT TELL.
Congratulations, Nicole & family! Here’s to happy days for you all!
13. I’m gonna be 39 weeks at Christmas but my parents-in-law expect us to make the six hour drive out to their farm, so should I still feel obliged to make my usual croquembouche?
ahahahahaha, I am childless and my in-laws would not countenance a croquembouche*, but I still laughed an unseemly amount in fellow feeling.
*They would be unfailingly polite about it, say “How… interesting!” over and over, and each try exactly one bite, if the onion jam debacle was any indication.
Please send all in-law rejected onion jam my way. I honour your onion jam.
REAL TALK had I known coffee potty existed, I would have tried it. The Heir was ten days late and had to be induced and the Spare broke his water but still had to be induced. I wanted them out as much as they wanted in.
I love that you refer to your kids as the heir and the spare
If this were 16th-century England they’d both be named Thomas, just in case.
i am more amused that this is kate middleton posting, except spare isn’t here yet.
#11. I gagged and chortled at the same time.
Every time I read one of these, I realize how little I know about babies. (I’m fine with it though.)
Immediately IM’d this to all my female friends and demanded they begin having babies. It sounds like it’s going to be a lot of fun for me, the unaffected observer.
In all seriousness, #38. I never did figure that one out.
Depends on the kind. Generally, you don’t have to, as it will dissolve. But it’s probably more effective to poke a hole. THE MORE YOU KNOW.
HA! I just chortled so loudly that I startled Worrydog! Just moments ago I posted about my mucous plug on a pregnancy message board. (I didn’t include a picture though, so there’s that at least.)
Also I totally have contractions in my butt.
Did Nicole really have her baby already? So exciting! I hope everything went smoothly and everyone is recovering nicely. <333
Congratulations on no longer having a person inside your body!
Congratulations, Nicole!
This is so accurate.
You forgot the four million “is cream cheese A SOFT CHEESE” posts.
I love number 3 and 4…. go to any group that is filled with women and get them talking about their lady parts and shell come screaming vulva if you call it a vagina. Theres always that one
36 weeks along and this made me chuckle
Wait, you can’t have sushi when you’re pregnant? Welp. Looks like I’m adopting, eff giving up the glory that is sushi.
Cunt-Sister would have been the best Riot Girl band ever! Congrats on the new Bub, Nicole!
The first one 😉
Oh lord, as a child-free by choice person, I have spent approximately 12,000 hours listening to my friends complain about someone stealing their baby name and my suggestions of "Why can't you use it too?" is just met with a withering look, like "Bitch, please, your barren womb just don't understand this shit" and I'm like "No, I don't get it. Please, stop telling me about it".
croquembouche! ha!! and just reading the words ‘membrane sweep’ made my all my lady parts retract up to my stomach.