A certain long-dead Objectivist beloved of the Toast’s editors has taken to reviewing children’s movies for the New Yorker (dot com):
“101 Dalmatians”
A wealthy woman attempts to do her impoverished school friend Anita a favor by purchasing some of her many dogs and putting them to sensible use. Her generosity is repulsed at every turn, and Anita foolishly and irresponsibly begins acquiring even more animals, none of which are used to make a practical winter coat. Altruism is pointless. So are dogs. A cat is a far more sensible pet. A cat is objectively valuable. —No stars.
“The Muppets Take Manhattan”
This movie was a disappointment. The Muppets do not take Manhattan at all. They merely visit it. —No stars.
“Frozen”
An exceptional woman foolishly allows her mooching family members to keep her from ruling a kingdom of ice in perfect solitude. She is forced to use her unique powers to provide free entertainment for peasants, without compensation. I liked the snowman, when he sang. —One star.
Pop over and take a look at it, should you find yourself so inclined. (I’m excited!)
Tags: ayn rand, movies, the new yorker (dot com)
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“If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.”
Breathless from laughter. Breathless.
But really though, this is something I have said un-Ayn-Randianly.
Me too, I think this is yet further proof of Mallory’s assertion that Ayn Rand actually makes perfect sense and is correct about 20% of the time.
She has a point there. I find his sudden rejuvenation a bit suspect.
HAS NO ONE HEARD OF MUSCLE ATROPHY IN GRANDPA JOE’S WORLD
I am ready for a “Women annoyed with men in their top hats and monocles and all these butterflies and really sir, is that your neck” in Western Art
CONGRATS THOUGH SERIOUSLY
For some reason this just made me want to see a Matt Lubchansky drawing of Ayn Rand beating up Eustace Tilley…
Or maybe an Objectivist essay titled “Eustace Tilley: Useless Dandy”?
Wait, no, both. The former accompanying the latter.
This is phenomenal! Question, though: is this child Ayn or full-grown Ayn? Because I really like picturing Ayn Rand as a highly critical, movie-going eight-year-old.
OMFG reading this comment made me bust into laughter all over again! It’s even better when you read it that way!
Gasping for air while internalizing laughter at my desk isn’t getting this grant application written
If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.
Laughed so loudly that I surprised even myself. 😀
THIS IS SO GOOD
shipwreck (san francisco’s premier literary erotic fanfiction event) is doing “atlas shrugged” for their january event. i am so excited but also…how can these fanfiction writers compete with mallory’s ayn rand brilliance???
Oh man, I’ve had the Atlas Shrugged shipwrecked on my calendar for like three months. I can’t wait.
I had no idea there were so many literary erotic fanfiction events that one of them could be deemed “premier,” but this newfound knowledge delights me immensely.
Okay, but what would she have to say about The Aristocats? Edgar was just trying to extract maximum value from his position – but he was also meant to cats…
Oh wait, you guys, this is written by Mallory! (I didn’t realize at first)
haha, yeah me too! my first thought was, “man they are really biting Mallory’s style here…”
Same! I’ve been seeing Toast culture oozing into other things I read and I was like “the New Yorker, too?!”
But this is better.
Farmer Hoggett was a sheep farmer, not a pig farmer! Thus, the only flaw in Babe is that he didn’t dispose of his large, resource-sucking dogs when it became apparent that their job could be done more easily and economically by a small omnivorous pig.
Babe was basically a self-taught creature of ambition.
Allowing Babe to enthusiastically herd sheep, rather than becoming bacon, seems like an excellent use of available resources.
I really enjoy Ayn Rand’s respect for Cogsworth.
MALLORY I AM INTERNALLY SCREAM-LAUGHING THIS IS SO GOOD
So… how close are we to The Toast just absorbing The New Yorker? This is the first step right? Actually, could you just seize control of Condé Nast via hostile corporate takeover? I think that would be for the best.
Ayn would approve.
As long as we keep Anna in the takeover. Seeing her eat a giant plate of roasted potatoes (that’s it … !!! … ???) in the Conde cafeteria was the only highlight of the 3 miserable months I temped there.
‘Also, there are no trains in this movie’.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Ms Ortberg, you are my hero.
I liked the snowman, when he sang.
CONGRATS MALLORY
I choked on my tea on that one. Brilliant!
That has actually long been a complaint of mine. Can you imagine yourself as Mrs. Bucket, working tirelessly all day to serve four invalids, only to find that one of them is apparently perfectly healthy when the activity at hand is chocolate tasting instead of, you know, helping? It really is a miracle how Grandpa Joe is mobile enough to do somersaults in the air but unable to sit up and feed himself his own soup.
THIS IS AMAZING MALLORY. On every level. (dot com)
No Incredibles? I guess it was too obvious.
“A cat is objectively valuable.” QUITE.
this may be the first time I’ve ever found myself agreeing with any kind of Randian sentiment
what a strange and novel sensation this is
You, madam, are the Dorothy Parker of our generation.
Cats provide many useful functions such as judgment and disdain.
All the Templeton love. Miss Rand is quite right on that point.
I could demonstrate the objective value of a cat, if I wanted to.
LOVE.
But at least dogs can be useful, right? Has a cat ever herded sheep? Fetched someone’s slippers?
(Did Ayn Rand really think dogs are pointless? I have never read her, never want to.)