One of the greatest aspects of ancient Greek civilization was the persistent belief that there was nothing women liked better to do than assemble a gang, air their tits out, and roam the countryside beating men to death. This was, sadly, a myth, but it did not stop generations of European painters from imagining what savage bands of female murderesses might have looked like.
The Venn diagram of “female devotees of Dionysus who savagely tear apart Orpheus” and “parties I would love to attend” has an overlap of roughly 100%.
This is a fitting end for a man known for strolling about the ancient world playing unasked-for lyre solos at everyone. Look at how fun these stabbing bitches seem. Long, lush hair and sturdy biceps and leopard skins abound.
They’ve already ripped off the entire lower half of Pentheus’ body and they are not calling it a day. Gotta rip up the top half too. The official word for “Dionysus-crazed women ripping men and animals limb from limb,” by the way, is sparagmos. The ancient Greeks had a NAME for what happened when women tore men to pieces! Truly it was called the Golden Age of Civilization for a reason.
SMASH HIS HEAD OFF GIRL, HEADS ARE FOR WOMEN, THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE (SMASHING A MAN’S HEAD OFF WITH A ROCK)
True beauty is a severe brow, a no-nonsense haircut, and an armful of male limbs you’re about to rip off someone’s torso. That’s what Real Women look like.
Charlotte Corday actually did murder a man in real life – and by herself, too, sans sororal mob – but I think she still deserves to be included because of how beautiful the fabric on her murderin’ gown is.
How did all these French painters know exactly what Charlotte Corday was wearing that day? Either way, she looked amazing.
ON WEDNESDAYS WE PULL OUR DRESSES DOWN TO THE WAIST AND KILL MEN
someone get his harp, men cannot be killed unless you also destroy the instrument they were trying to play at you
Sometimes it’s best to stick with the basics: enormous, pointy sticks you use to alternately bludgeon and skewer a man in the woods with your best girlfriend.
WRAP YOURSELF IN SNAKES AND LEAVES AND BRING YOUR SHARPEST MURDERING SCYTHE, IT’S TIME FOR A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT
Nobody’s murdering his left leg! Get in the game, Red Cloak!
The Difference Between A Good Friend And A Best Friend:
A good friend will hold your scabbard while you use your short sword to murder a male stranger.
A best friend won’t have any hands free to hold your scabbard because she’ll be too busy grabbing him by the cloak and jabbing him with a stick.
[Images mostly via]
Tags: artwork, bacchae, charlotte corday, jael, marat, misandry, orpheus, pentheus, sisera, women murdering men
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In the first one, Charlotte Corday seems to be reflecting on how awesome she looks even after murder. In the second one, she’s going “I WAS NOT FUCKING DONE YET, IDIOTS.”
I mean, well done her for not getting any blood on her gown!
I thought in the second one she was saying, “I REGRET NOTHING.”
In the first one, she’s definitely just thinking about whether to get a butter croissant or a chocolate croissant right now because murdering is hungry work.
Chocolate, Charlotte, go for the chocolate!
I would say that murdering a noted radical of the Jacobin Club is really St. Honoré or Baba au Rhum kind of work.
the answer is always almond croissant, the only true sustenance for smiteresses everywhere.
Charlotte Corday’s dress looks remarkably like the dress the amazing Tatiana Maslany of Orphan Black wore to the SAG awards. I’m sure this is not a coincidence. http://au.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/2015…
I need prints of ALL OF THESE to create a gallery wall by the front door. I want every man I bring home to know Exactly Where He Stands.
I would like to eventually have a print of Judith Slaying Holofernes for my hallway. Won’t go with any of the other art, don’t care.
Coming here to say *exactly* the same thing.
Have you seen this version? https://judith2you.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/ju…
IT’S IN GLITTER.
Who painted that one? I NEED IT!
THOSE GLASSES
Oh man, there is a version of that where Judith looks a hell of a lot like me and IT IS AMAZING, LET ME TELL YOU.
“Don’t even think about Wonderwall.”
THE BEST THING TO EXIST EVER I LOVE YOU
MAENADS ARE MY FAVORITE FOREVER
Please, please tell me that the first one really is an OXO advertisement and that the text underneath really does say something about how OXO is made from the flesh of blokes?
Haha, I wish! It’s in Dutch, and says that OXO is available in bottles or cubes, but I like your reading better!
Subtext or subliminal advertising??
That was what I came to say!!
Second Charlotte Corday piece – screencap from an early production of Le Mis?
Sword guy has melodrama down pat.
That’s exactly what I thought!
I’m pretty sure the guy in the red cap is M. Thénardier.
(I mean, I know it’s the wrong revolution and all, but still.)
Never have I been more proud of my Greek heritage.
Charlotte Corday incited that second mob into what looks like a really angry choreographed dance number
I love that the man-soldier is such an attention whore he’s not even facing her. I feel like she’s looking right at him like, “is this dude kidding”.
Meanwhile the lady up front looks to be right about to haul off and wallop Charlotte with a chair. Ladies getting stuff done in that picture.
It really does look like he messed up his choreography. “No, goddamnit, Chauncey! One, two, REACH for CHARLOTTE, one, two, REACH for the HEAVENS. Everyone else has had this for WEEKS.”
“No, goddamnit, Chauncey! One, two, REACH for CHARLOTTE, one, two, REACH for the HEAVENS.
Dying.
Oh wow yes. Yes.
ONE MORE DAWN
ONE MORE DAYYYYY
ONE! DAY! MORRRRRE!
To the woman with the cymbals in the second one: don’t get ahead of yourself, girl, he isn’t dead yet! Oh, you know what, she probably takes out bigger cymbals when he’s dead, those are just pregammer cymbals. That was stupid of me.
I may actually print this post out, fold it neatly, and place it in my pocket every morning for the rest of my life.
Maybe she’s using them like a dinner bell – “WE CAUGHT HIM, EVERYONE! COME ‘N’ GET IT!”
SOUPS ON Y’ALL!
“Her name is Charlotte Corday Rowbotham.”
“My God!”
“It’s not her fault, poor child. Her father had her christened that because he’s all for the Revolution, and it seems that the original Charlotte Corday used to go about stabbing oppressors in their baths, which entitles her to consideration and respect.”
Nothing could be fairer than that!
Love this so much. I feel like there’s a Brilliant Wodehouse Quote for every occasion.
someone get his harp, men cannot be killed unless you also destroy the instrument they were trying to play at you
Yes. Please. Yes.
My banjo playing boyfriend didn’t think that one was as funny as I did…
…wait wait wait – are the instruments horcruxes then?
This would explain so much.
This version of the “I gave my love a cherry” scene in Animal House got left on the cutting room floor.
Sometimes i get confused about which caption goes with which picture because you sometimes write them above the picture and other times below the picture. Always keepin me on my toes.
This is my favorite post in the history of posts.
This murder-vogueing bitch is my favorite bitch in the history of bitches.
I appreciate her sense of dramatics, but she appears to be about to hit him on the arm with a potato on a stick and I’m not sure that’s really all that effective.
I thought it was maybe, like, a reed? Very danger. Much murderous.
murder-vogueing
<3
The on in pink is staring so intently, as if cataloging every moment of his demise for science.
It’s REALLY important to get that first scythe-blow to the armpit in JUST the right spot. Precision work, you know?
I feel like this is the sum of all “Women…In Art History” pieces. A glorious, violent, frenzied, murdering climax after all the waiting, listening, turning down proposals and being put-upon. 😛
*looks up the word sparagmos for more information*
*blinks several times*
…There are many things the D’Aulaires’ Illustrated Greek Myths did not teach me.
I love D’Aulaire’s and Edith Hamilton, but for some real uncensored shit “Classical Mythology: Images & Insights” is where it’s at.
I neeeeed a murderin’ gown.
Caftans for day wear, murderin’ gowns for night wear. Actual blood for rouge.
As long as I can keep my eatin’ dress, I approve these new wardrobe strictures.
You only really need a murderin’ skirt since tit exposure seems to be mandatory.
This is the usual double standard I’ve come to expect from “feminists.” It’s all “don’t go playing your instruments at us.” And then when Orpheus QUITS playing his instrument at people, it’s all “let’s rip him into a million pieces and throw them in the Aegean sea!” Typical misandry.
#NotAllLyres
Wait is Pentheus a robot
Because those look an awful lot like wires dangling out of him. Dude’s got a C-3PO midriff.
OMG DID THEY FIND A T-3 HAS A T-3 JUST BEEN HISTORICALLY DOCUMENTED
Bishop from Alien!
Do you think “Brian” is still confused that this is a feminist site?
Some of these women have AMAZING hair and I’m super jealous.
I can’t maintain nice hair during a brisk walk to the bus, TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, MURDEROUS GREEK LADIES!
Thanks to these I can pretty much envision what it feels to rip a man’s limbs off. It feels really, really satisfying.
it never ceases to amaze me how insistent the ancient greeks were that the scariest fucking thing in the entire world was DEFINITELY MURDEROUS WOMEN, who would chop your head off in the tub or rip your head off in the woods after an orgy or light your fiancée on fire at the slightest provocation. as a child I had some really bloody editions of the major epics and it is totally clear to me now that Medea was my #1 model for adult womanhood from a super early age….haha?
I wonder if this attitude may have been encouraged by the women: “Oh my yes, we’re quite murderous. Definitely want to stay on our good side, haha!”
oh definitely. plus, who wouldn’t rather be clytemnestra than alcestis?
… You know, that’s definitely a subtext in “The Trojan Women”. I don’t know how anyone could look at Hepburn’s Hecuba and think “Oh, that woman? The woman where I killed her sons and raped and then killed her daughters? The one where I killed her baby grandson? I should definitely have her take care of my children. That is a super good idea.” – but I suppose the point of the play is that she’s going to murder everything she can, so women killing shit should not be a surprise.
Could be because the ancient Greeks were world champs at oppressing women. They made them stay in the house, couldn’t own property, couldn’t go outside, couldn’t go anywhere, had to raise the kids and homemake 24/7 while hubby was in the gym with his latest male teenage lover. Roman women by contrast were much freer. So the Greeks might have picked up on all the murderous thoughts their wives were busy suppressing. And don’t forget the Amazons.
There’s a great Marina Warner article in a recent LRB on the forerunners of the Arabian Nights — the earlier tales were ALL ABOUT how awful and murderin’ and adulterin’ all women are, and the Arabian Nights are actually walking that back. Whoa.
http://www.lrb.co.uk/v37/n01/marina-warner/perfor…
I love how the lady in the back in #2 is improvising with the lit torch instead of a blade. She’s doing what she can with what she has and I admire that.
The look on her face says, “Hmm, I want to bludgeon this dude, but I also want to set him on fire…BAM! TORCH TIME!”
No lie, ever since learning the term in a classical mythology class, I sometimes hiss “ssssssssparagmos” under my breath as a power mantra.
Toast t-shirt idea?
pair it with “stabbity stabbity stabbity” on the back and i’m yours!
Mallory- this is a little bit “on the nose,” don’t you think?
All the men’s noses look pretty intact, actually (what a shame)
I’m literally sitting at work cackling like the harpy I am over this article. I don’t think it’s far-fectched to assume that most harpies are feminist. And they tend cackle over misandrist mischief as depicted in ancient art. I’m just being true to my nature.
You guys! The striped dress was An Actual Documented Historical Thing!
https://books.google.com/books?id=5VCWoFoqpnUC&am…
Thank you for that!
I love that “green became a controversial color because of Corday, and all green clothing in Paris was banned as a result.”
For how long?!
FOREVER
MOVIE PITCH GUYS HEAR ME OUT: GREEK GIRLS GONE WILD. All the frat boys will show up and then the women will take off their shirts and immediately tear them limb from limb. $19.95 plus s&h.
I’d hit that
Order in the next 5 minutes, and get a SECOND copy for free! Twice the murder, twice the laughs!
Can we combine it with an adaptation of The Secret History by Donna Tartt?
This is the Best. Thing. Ever!
THIS IS MY JAM
full disclosure: my name is yael and i recently got a tattoo of a hammer and stake.
THAT IS THE MOST BADASS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Yael and D’vorah are like, my Ultimate Torah Heroes, so. =D
YASSSSS!!!!!
Were leopards more common in ancient Greece than I thought, or were the ladies in the first picture all queens? I prefer to think it’s the latter, just the usual gang of high-born ladies getting together for the weekly murdering.
I read the first two words of your comment as ‘were-leopards’ and pictured highborn ladies transforming into large cats, the better to rend men limb from limb.
I cannot favorite this hard enough, bless you for this mental image.
I think it’s because the maenads (murdery women gone wild) were the followers of Bacchus/Dionysus, and Bacchus is often depicted riding or in a chariot drawn by leopards (hence Keats’s line about ‘not charioted by Bacchus and his pards’).
The leopard skin is because of Dionysos, who wore one due to being a foreigner from the Mysterious East!
I’m as happy to air my tits as the next woman, but why is it so often ONE tit in Western Art History? Do these men waffle back and forth about whether no tits is enough/two tits is too many?
I feel like Monk #2 could really clear this up for us.
He just KNOWS SO MUCH about all why big whys in art!
Man, the meta post of monk #2 explaining all of Mallory’s other Western Art History posts – why do men play guitars at women? why do men propose at women? why do women form mobs and kill men, one breast out, their profiles stern and unyielding? – would be a thing I’d read.
At first I thought you were referring to a real post and I was like WHERE????
I’d read it.
Could be due to the classical history of Amazons as being murderous women from exotic lands par excellence.
Ancient Greek mythology held that Amazon women cut off one breast in order to be brilliant, man-killing archers.
The name for the Amazon tribe comes from the Greek for ‘without breast’. ‘Mazos’ was the Greek word for boob, so ‘a-mazos’ literally means ‘without breast’, and so ‘Amazons’ = ‘women without breasts’.
A-MAZING right?
Good point, I remember reading that about the Amazon myth. So perhaps with one bared breast we honor the myth without having to draw an icky one-breasted woman? Sounds like the men. 😉
Mallory, we will totally understand if you choose to rename the website The Sparagmos. It seems only fitting.
The Sparagmos…. Sounds like a new series on HBO…. Similar to The Sopranos, but bloodier.
The ancient Greeks had a NAME for what happened when women tore men to pieces!
They also had a name for “the goddess of the lower world wearing golden sandals and drinking blood” : chryssandalaimopotichthonia.
This is why I studied Classics.
Holy crap what text is that from? LSJ is just telling me Rh.Mus., and Google is unhelpful in deciphering Classics shorthand.
I’m glad this is directly beneath the article about street harassment while running, something that does indeed make me want to become a modern day maenad and kill all men who harass people.
someone get his harp, men cannot be killed unless you also destroy the instrument they were trying to play at you
Today I learned that male musicians are actually liches. The world makes a little more sense than it did this morning.
“Um is anybody else concerned that Mallory Ortberg seems to advocate violence towards men” – actual man on Twitter
We’d be far more concerned if she STOPPED, amirite?
Oh, plenty of men probably SHOULD be concerned. But we dont care if they like it.
I hope everyone replies to him, “Are you actually concerned for your safety on a daily basis? Then STFU.”
Bless.
SEEMS to advocate it? I guess this post was too ambiguous for him to say for certain?
I wouldn’t really say I’m concerned about it, no.
Laughter is a sign of concern, right?
“No.”
-All women everywhere
Society has really gone downhill now that women don’t get together with their best gal pals, tits out, and murder men in the woods with their bare hands and some crudely improvised weapons of a Friday night. (Or maybe they do, and I just need new friends?) Oh, to have a healthy breeze about the nipples as one rends a man limb from limb!
(Side note, I’m pretty sure my entire childhood Classics education consisted of drawing pictures of women doing murders. Particularly Medea. And re-enacting scenes from the Bacchae. I was great at Classics.)
Yup, I did a puppet show for latin class about the maenads. The dolls are still in the attic, complete with leopard skin dresses. I am going to break them out.
Ain’t no party like a Maenad party, ’cause a Maenad party don’t stop until all the men are dead.
This is why season 2 of True Blood was the best season.
we are having too much fun with the classics today!
I choose to believe that Charlotte Corday took her sororal mob with her to pick out her murderin’ gown.
“Say Yes to the Dress You’ll Wear While Murdering Jacobins”
I’d watch it.
We have no idea what happened here. He was playing his lute, and then he just sort of… exploded. Isn’t that right, girls? Yes, truly an unfathomable phenomenon, worthy of philosophical study…
The witnesses claim they saw what? Why, that’s absurd! Surely you can see how absurd that is, to imagine that our little picnic group would chase down and dismember a man for no reason! What? Oh yes… yes, she is holding his spleen, isn’t she. Drop that this instant, Adamanthea. Look, can’t you see she’s in shock?
Oh, very well, the fact is… we were… driven insane. Temporarily insane. By the gods. That happens, right? It must have been that one, that one god of… going crazy. The crazy god, which one is that? Dionysus, right! His god powers drove us all crazy, and made us kill all those men– I mean man, this man. All this man. But we’re fine now, really. Totally a god thing. Oh, why look, there he is now, hail Dionysus! Yes, he’s right over there, look closely GET HIM GIRLS AAAUUUGGHRRRAHHHAHAHAAA STAB STAB CHOMP CHOMP
Considering how men have treated women right up to the present day, I am surprised that Men Murdering Parties aren’t more of a thing. I would go to one, in fact, I would even host one!
They should be the new Tupperware parties!
This post reminds me of Ross Geller.
“Mallory, your hair looks particularly majestic today” etc.
I feel like this FB photo might neatly sum things up here today: link
Love the blog, feeling a bit murderous today hehe.
So, the first picture the caption is in Dutch: “Orpheus, being ripped apart by the “Bacchanten” and then it sayas, “Oxo soup cubes, thickened meat juice in bottles or in blocks.”
?
Maybe Oxo had a thing with including miniature prints of scenes from Western art history in their packages, kind of like Tetley tea and the little animals?
Peak misandry has been achieved! Great work everyone! Take the rest of the week off so we can make an even better showing next week! Go team!!!
Misandry never takes a day off.
Not because it can’t, but because it doesn’t WANT to.
Its calling is too noble, its purpose too high, to allow itself the luxury of a day off. Perhaps, one day, it’ll have a nice vacation. But until then, there are men to rend asunder.
My favorite of these is definitely the woman in blue with the glorious hair and the snake twined around her body. She is all I aspire to be.
Her hair is particularly majestic, as well.
I can’t choose between the woman-in-blue-with-snake and the almost-naked-woman-with-bident-and-leopard-skin in #2 as my dream dates. Hell, I’ll take both of them.
These ladies are just misandering all over the place.
This should be either a calendar or a series of inspirational posters.
BE THE MISANDRY YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
“365 days of misandrist art”
would buy
I would definitely buy a women in western art calendar!
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned Kate Beaton’s take on Charlotte Corday (murdering gown and all):
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=15
I had a hysterectomy last week. You have no idea how well this hit the spot where I feel empty. Loving you so fucking much for this.
I hadn’t directly connected the classical narrative on women to MRA douchewizards until now but it does seem to fit doesn’t it
I taught The Bacchae last year to my Year 12 Lit class. I wish I could send this post to them all. SPARAGMOS FOREVER!
Medea was just added to the book list for next year. I wonder if the Literature Panel for the state of Victoria read The Toast?
Mallory, you HAVE TO let us see some of the deleted comments from this post!
“unasked-for lyre solos”
Isn’t this an oxymoron? Has there ever in the history of the world been a request for a lyre solo?
It also defines OXO as, literally, “condensed meat-wet”, which is probably the grossest definition of bouillon I’ve yet come across!
This may be my new favorite Women In Western Art History.
Until the next one.
This is *absolutely* my favorite Women in Western Art History. I love this so much I want to send it to everyone in the world.
EVERYONE, Mallory!
I would like an AXE commercial that starts off in the typical manner and ends exactly like one of these paintings.
after you’ve done the tragedy paper at cambridge you really KNOW the word sparagmos. And you often use this knowledge to mutter darkly to your friends ‘did you hear what he just said? Let’s sparagmos him’
The second painting of Charlotte Corday looks like a scene out of ‘French Revolution: The Musical.’ Watch out, Les Mis.
MALLORY I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK
PERHAPS AN ENTIRE BAR
All that’s missing from this are a few Judith Beheading Holofernes paintings:
Thanks, I know, the Caravaggio is nice but I love Artemisia Gentileschi.
I love her too, and I love her version of Judith. When I taught art and design, this was one of my favorite examples to analyze in 2D Design. The composition is excellent and it’s gruesome enough that it woke up and engaged most of my ( college first year) students.
I love love love the Gentileschi painting–how determined, strong, and completely not-fussed they are about decapitating a man.
Talk about “I regret nothing” – Gentileschi based Holofernes on her unpunished rapist. Her Judith is right in there, using her upper body strength to get the job done, while Caravaggio’s is looking a bit squeamish and at-arm’s-length about the whole thing. Walk a different road, paint a different painting…
I do still have my maenad dolls from my Latin class puppet show project. I sewed them little leopard skins. I am breaking them out of the attic.
Busy week–
Catching up–
I love all of you. Every one.
Remarkably little armpit hair throughout.
There's a great Marina Warner article in a recent LRB on the forerunners of the Arabian Nights — the earlier tales were ALL ABOUT how awful and murderin' and adulterin' all women are, and the Arabian Nights are actually walking that back. Whoa.
http://www.lrb.co.uk/v37/n01/marina-warner/perfor…
Gentileschi loved Judith so much she painted two versions of the scene (at least):
http://www.artemisia-gentileschi.com/judith1.html
i love how most of these everyone’s face is just neutral
women:”hey we’re going to murder you”
men:”k”
women:”k”
Oh my god. I have found my new favourite place. I may never leave.
So all this time I had assumed there was a traditional Dionysian feast around Easter, where women would furiously dance in a circle, tearing a sacrificial Guy apart. Don’t remember where I read it, since I can’t find it on the interwebs. I seem to remember that in later times, they only ritually killed a guy. That I could get behind.
I must protest. All this attention to pagans and revolutionaries and you have ignored the virtuous women of the bible. I understand that you feel that Jael who hammered a tent peg into her lodgers head was a bit too neat and understated in her methods but surely Judith, who after getting really dressed up cut of Holofernes head deserves your respect.
Mallory please will you marry me
Mallory please will you marry me
that is a sickle not a scythe. oh and it must have been a terrible shock for Charlotte when she realised she was on stage at a performance of Les Miserable.
that is a sickle not a scythe. oh and it must have been a terrible shock for Charlotte when she realised she was on stage at a performance of Les Miserable.