ByChristian Brown

Christian Brown is an animator based out of Los Angeles who doesn't let that stop him from making up dumb detective names.

  1. Christian Brown's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    Yesterday, residents of Glenwood were surprised to find Bill Murray, star of Stripes, sitting on a park bench overlooking the East River and slowly weeping. He turned away all who would comfort him for the entire day. As soon as the sun sank below the skyline at his back, he stood without a word and left. Local residents report that the bench

  2. A famous author once said, “Any sufficiently opaque science fiction narrative is indistinguishable from a Christ allegory.” (Or something along those lines.) We should expect any movie set in low earth orbit to at least consider why we don’t see any dudes with harps perched on clouds. Science fiction draws theological metaphor to it like ravenous bug aliens to abandoned space stations, but reviewers and critics tend to avoid discussing the spiritual roots of a…

  3. The unfortunate reality of the 24-hour news/hypochondria cycle is that fad diets have been crowded out by celebrity endorsements and single-use culinary gadgets. It used to be that every tabloid had its own clinically-tested 100% effective diet. You couldn’t fan yourself with your broad-brimmed hat without smacking a rail-thin Saturday Evening Post Dieter, meekly eating scraps of newsprint out of the palm of their hand. But now, there’s only enough room in the MSDM (Mainstream…

  4. “Rowling’s authorship was revealed by The Sunday Times after it investigated how a first-time author “with a background in the army and the civilian security industry” could write such an assured debut novel.” You’d think that a city as grey and hopeless as London wouldn’t be able to produce the high-watt sunlight that really makes you regret your high-proof mistakes. Maybe that’s why you can’t throw a crumpled-up newspaper without hitting a drunk in The…