My dad had special heating coils built into the roof because we had so much trouble with ice back in the day that as it melted, it leaked in through the walls and bulged out the latex paint. The pouches the water formed looked like breasts, so we used to call them the “boob walls.”
It’s been 20+ years since this but I remember it so vividly???
Mrs_Peel+59
I think anybody would remember boob walls vividly, to be honest.
winterbymorning+31
My dad once took the slipcover and padding off the ironing board and covered the ironing surface in aluminum foil because “the aluminum will conduct heat better so the clothes will iron faster.” It didn’t work, but he was so proud of his brainwave that nobody had the heart to point this out to him.
merrillworks+6
I’m imagining the wrinkles now.
Oh! The wrinkles!
I don’t even believe in ironing but it hurts my housewife heart.
Mrs_Peel+12
My favorite example of “dad repairs” (though not by my own dad):
One house we lived in had a Rolling Rock beer cap *very carefully* screwed into the door jamb. (To keep it from slamming, I guess?) Someone in a hurry might have just hammered a nail in there, but someone had obviously used a drill and put a perfectly centered Phillips-head screw in the beer cap.
My mom is a Rolling Rock fan, so that was her favorite feature of the house.
houblonchouffe+34
ice. dam. nation.
petegaines+16
roll. dam. tide.
funkmistress+5
War Dam Eagle (I’ll show myself out)
deleted5647547+142
DAD ROMANCE!
I can tell my dad has a crush when he tells me in an admiring tone that “so and so is a very…well she’s uh, she’s…she’s a very attractive lady, very put together.” SLOW DOWN, ROMEO.
Also my dad is in his mid sixties, fit, super into shopping, antiques, wine, and not that crazy about sports. I have no idea why he’s not been snapped up by someone. He lives in Florida ALREADY, for god’s sake. He has all his hair and teeth! Yes, sometimes he tells long boring stories about the restaurant that used to be where that gas station is now or which exit is best to take on I-95 if you want to get to a particular city, but c’mon!
evieskye+61
“very put together” sounds like something my dad would say. His highest compliment about appearances was “She looked sharp… very sharp.”
deleted5647547+90
It’s like dad vernacular.
I even asked my brother what he said to him, to see if his description varied by the gender of the child he’s speaking to (my brother is male, I myself am a Lovecraftian nightmare god), but nope. I think if he’s really hot to trot, he kind of emphases the R in very. “She was a verrrry attractive lady.” *knowing look over his transition lens glasses*
cinnatron+23
You mean the transition lenses that never quite go back to clear indoors?
merrillworks+31
I would kill for a man who complimented with “put together” or “sharp”.
IT COVERS YOUR LOOKS AND YOUR MAD SKILLZ ALL IN ONE I COVET IT
I really need to get over my fear of dating women.
m_penny+25
He sounds like a total catch, tbh. I need to fix him up with my MIL (she’s in South Miami)!
funkmistress+53
I wish my dad was that circumspect. He’s a musician and tends to say things like “she’s a badass broad, and I want some of what she’s sittin on.” DAD. That’s my neighbor!
He is also the greatest dad in the history of dads.
Mrs_Peel+26
” I want some of what she’s sittin on”
Thank you for this– I’m adding it to my personal phrasebook.
funkmistress+26
OMG I have so many of these. “don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin” is a personal favorite. Also canon: “that (stock market, gas prices, something banal) is going up and down faster than a stripper’s knickers”.
Mrs_Peel+17
(scribbles furiously in notebook)
My family doesn’t really have any neat phrases like this, although my grandfather does like to tell a story about how he wrestled a panther once.
funkmistress+38
a panther! mine tells a story about wrestling a gator. This must be grandpa magic.
Also useful for the phrasebook: “butterbean” used inappropriately. “Dress on that girl is so tight, I can see her butterbean.” “I sure would like to flick her butterbean”.
That said, when I was a kid working at a crappy chain restaurant/bar at the local mall, my dad would take my keys, all the other waitresses’ keys, and move our cars closer to the door under the lights, and gave us all mace. He’s completely inappropriate to talk to, but he is a Southern gentleman at heart. DAD. I’m going to call him,
Daniel_Loo+10
“Flick her butterbean” just brought tears to my eyes
LeastBittern+30
The car moving thing is peak dad. Peak dad. Tell him a lot of anonymous women on the internet approve of him.
funkmistress+19
My dad would waggle his brows and moustache at all y’all, and then call you with the weather and crime reports for the last 4 places you have lived, and then play you Donny Hathaway or John Denver, depending on your tastes.
roisindubh211+10
The men in my father’s family are very careful in their speech (I’m never sure if I need to explain swear words to my dad) but I have heard a story that my grandfather once punched a horse in the face and knocked it out.
We also have a photo of my mom’s brother pointing to an alligator about ten feet away from him, on the golf course, with an entertainingly terrified facial expression as he waits for his friend to get the picture right.
funkmistress+6
PUNCHED A HORSE OUT.
LeastBittern+2
You must share this story.
funkmistress+24
I have approximately 8 million of these. I also edited a book he wrote, got it printed and bound for him for Christmas, and I swear he was like to die from Dadness over it.
I’m not crying, you’re crying, shut up, Dad is in poor health, but I just think he’s a national treasure. He adopts all of my friends and calls you all “Jennifer”. (I am not even kidding about the last, he calls every girl I know “Jennifer” after my longest bestie, and now has no idea what any of your names are.)
funkmistress+20
Also he just emailed me the same article about helicopters three times. DAD.
Mrs_Peel+10
I think the most relevant part of my grandfather’s story may be that he was coming home from the bar at the time…
*His* story is that he saw a panther near their house, and decided that (since no one would believe he saw a panther in the middle of suburban upstate NY), he would somehow wrestle it into the basement of their house and take a picture of it. As one does.
He apparently didn’t have too much success with this, and got pretty scratched up in the attempt, eventually passing out and hitting his head on the sink. Then he had to call his school principal the next day, and explain why he wasn’t coming in to teach his high school classes. My grandmother (a sober and reliable individual) corroborates at least the part of the story where he was bleeding from some pretty large scratches and fell down.
(My grandfather claims that there were some subsequent articles in the paper about a panther on the loose from the zoo. Someday, maybe one of us will do a little microfilm search…)
He also has some other good stories, like getting arrested with Noam Chomsky at a Vietnam war protest at an MLA conference. That at least is actually true.
funkmistress+11
I love so much that you said microfilm
I love even more “and take a picture of it. As one does.” because, sure, grandaddy.
And one more bon mot from our house of ill repute. “I don’t run. Running’s for fugitives. Know what I chase? Women, cocktails, and a paycheck.” YA DAMN RIGHT.
Mrs_Peel+2
I’m adopting this as my personal motto!
LeastBittern+14
Oh my lord, imagine how SURPRISED the panther was. Or the bobcat, or the Great Dane with oddly docked ears. This is wonderful.
Mrs_Peel+3
Or possibly just an unusually large house cat…
embryoconcepts+8
Your dad needs to meet my mom.
robotneedslove+43
CAN WE PLEASE CREATE A TOAST PARENT MATCHMAKING FORUM.
My mom is so great (and bananas, but that’s another story). She deserves someone great! Let’s do this!
cinnatron+12
An online version of Love Connection. Hosted by [insert name], color commentary by Mallory Ortberg. Just a thought…
Mrs_Peel+14
YES LET’S
I want to encourage my dad back out into the dating scene. He’s more of a sensitive/ New Age/ Alan Alda-type dad, who loves going out to hear classical music and jazz.
MsPiggleWiggles+2
Your dad sounds like a catch! Antiques, wine, and a lack of interest in sports; maybe he is conducting secret romances? Gentleman never kiss and tell. My dearest wish is to receive a Valentine that describes me as very attractive and well put together, alas I am courting in the wrong demographic. And I shudder to think what descriptors the current generation will be using when they reach their sixties.
jay+4
hello, i would probably date your dad.
aravisthequeen+55
I have been unable to shovel my driveway all week because we got about three feet of snow and I’ve been sick. My dad was VERY CONCERNED about the snow removal situation until my neighbor and my husband’s coworkers came by to free me from my snowy prison. Now he keeps sending me ideas like “Here’s a great snow scoop!” And “Have you considered a different shovel?”
Dads: always covering the weather situations of their adult daughters. Ice dams are a secondary worry for my dad.
EnchiladaTaco+13
My dad likes to send me traffic updates. “Just wanted you to know that there’s construction and it’s backed up! You should take the following extremely detailed alternate route, just in case.”
latenac+36
My husband obsesses about ice dams. I’m so glad he’s creating these memories for our daughter. I used to think it’s what you obsessed over during the winter since the lawn was covered in snow but my husband couldn’t care less about the lawn. I help to feed his obsession by bringing home co-workers tales of their ice dams. One co-worker had a 3 inch think one covering his back door so he couldn’t let the dog out. Wait maybe I’m obsessed with ice dams…
damanoid+29
Dad is a state of mind, wrapped in an enigma, wearing sandals over black socks and not giving a damn.
firstmute+8
Ice dams are extremely relevant to my interests right now. Sometimes I fear that I’m the dad in my family, except that I am also constantly asking people if they want to put on a sweater/ turn on more lights.
daisicles+4
You could always be the dad and the mom both?
I dunno, my dad’s the one who worries about turning on more lights. You can tell when he’s home because his house is lit up like a Christmas tree inside.
bookwormV+5
My dad goes around turning lights off, even if people are in the room.
Herberta+38
A little OT but still a parent story: My mom, she moms so hard that this year, she enclosed a coupon in my birthday card. Dad sent me a mushy e-mail, the only time of the year he ever gets mushy with me. My parents, sometimes they irritate me but I love ’em to pieces.
Mrs_Peel+15
I thought I had the World’s Greatest Dad, but he’s never even lectured me once about ice dams.
ramina+94
Also, I got the Dad-est e-mail last week. All it said was “OK. Just made blueberry muffins.”
Mrs_Peel+12
Half of the texts I get just say “Yay! Love, Mom”. (In response to whatever I said to her earlier).
merrite+5
Most of the emails I get from my dad are just links to news stories with a one-word comment, usually either “YEAH” or “ugh.” DADS.
elsamac+10
Oh god, that “OK.” made me miss my dad SO HARD*. Hug your dad for me, or if that’s weird — yeah, that’s weird. You know what I mean.
*though he would never, ever have made blueberry muffins. He spent years and years cooking for himself while my parents had a long-distance marriage, and he still could barely heat canned chili or bake a potato without cursing. He did, however, teach me to make pie crust, because that is more about what you don’t do than what you do.
funkmistress+5
hugs and hugs, bebe. It’s those little things, ain’t it? My daddy is in poor health but still very funny, and I collect his aphorisms and sillies like jewels. <33333
ramina+2
When I stop home over the weekend, I will give him a rather large Toast-fueled hug.
Even if he made chocolate ice cream with five-year-old baking chocolate last night.
pretty_monster+4
my dad has only recently gotten a smart phone and started with the texting and the emailing. if my friends sent me the sort of random stuff he sends me (a bacon jelly recipe at 11pm, weather updates at 5 am, etc.) i’d text back asking if they were drunk or high. but thanks to Dad magazine and my fellow Toastonians and *their* dads, i know to just shake my head an smile and say, “…oh, dads.”
mutantfrogs+5
My dad still doesn’t understand that texts aren’t like e-mails, so he signs every single one he sends. Every. Single. One. “Getting milk, need anything else? Love, Dad” “Remember to check oil. Thanks, Dad”
mbculver+25
ICE DAMS. This winter has been historic (and ridiculous) in Boston, and were he with us, my dad would be calling and emailing me every day to give us the forecast/make sure we had power/lecture us on cleaning off the roof. It makes me miss him that much more.
azure_azure+75
My husband started getting the Family Handyman magazine, which is super Dad. There’s a section where readers send in their tips and there was a funny one this month that I wanted to share with you toasties. I just went to their website to see if I could find it to link to, and was greeted by something even better and Dadder. This is the pop up that greets you. Note the text you have to click if you don’t want to give your email address.
Abanthis+26
SO DAD.
We will never regain control of our garage, not with all the secret organisation tips in the world. It is a lost land, a bastion of primordial chaos. There are bikes and wine and what are probably camping chairs but no-one’s been able to get to them in years.
Mrs_Peel+27
That’s the third-most-weirdly-specific magazine I’ve ever heard of. (After “Veterinary Economics”, which I found while cleaning hotel rooms, and “Varmint Hunter”, which my boyfriend found in a barbershop).
BestLaidPlans+17
“I prefer a disorganized garage” sounds awfully judgmental.
WHITMAN’S SAMPLERS. Oh my goodness did you know they sell boxes of Whitman’s the size of briefcases at CVS for $20? If the dads of the world find out about this we’re all doomed.
cleoreads+33
My 99 year old grandmother LOVES Whitman Samplers. I fell into a black hole on Amazon trying to buy one for her for Christmas – I didn’t think she really needed the briefcase sized one, but apparently they don’t make small, single sized samplers. I know from experience that non Whitman’s Samplers don’t really cut it – the window for changing brand loyalties closed a long time ago. So I got a way too big one and told myself she could share them – I’m pretty sure she just ate herself into a sugar high, and who am I to judge that?
thelaureno+34
hokay tho, I just met some musician dudes who… didn’t know what a whitman sampler was???? until they went on a tour up north and found them in a gas station??? and became obsessed with them and bought like 20 and ended up calling their tour the Whitman Sampler tour???? and when I was like “um okay i get them in my stocking for christmas every year from my grandma” they were all like “YOU KNOW WHAT THESE MAGICAL THINGS ARE??!”
tl;dr apparently Whitman Samplers don’t exist in Louisiana.
roisindubh211+6
hahaha
That’s like my brother visiting me in Ireland and discovering Cheese and Onion Tayto crisps; This is the most common brand in the country in the most popular flavour -ie, you can find them anywhere.
We drove across the country and he bought himself two packs at every gas station stop “in case they don’t have any at the next one.”
cinnatron+3
I’ll take the sugar-free version for my pops. Diabetes, you know.
elsamac+9
NO
WHAT
I WILL GO IMMEDIATELY
… oh my gosh, I am my dad.
floridagal1+12
my dad is obsessed with whitman’s samplers. He’d buy the giant one and it would sit out on the counter forever, as we all snuck candies out of it when we thought nobody was looking. I don’t know why everyone in my family felt like we had to hide our (obviously genetic) chocolate obsession from each other, but that’s what we did. Everyone knew that Dad had dibs on the peanut and pecan ones, Grandma and I would share the cherries, and everyone would know exactly how many of their favourite type were left in the box at any given time and woe to you if you ate someone else’s kind of chocolate! It didn’t seem weird until I wrote it out…
LeftyLibrarian+15
One time, my parents had this 2 or 3 layer box of chocolates and I LOVED THEM. I kept sneaking more and more from the bottom layer which of course meant when they finished the top layer and lifted off the plastic tray, it was pretty much empty underneath. Man or man did I get a tongue lashing for that one.
ArsenioB_Ham+56
My future FIL sent us a picture message yesterday of his roof covered in a bunch of old pantyhose and dress socks filled with IceMelt. Apparently this is a way to remove ice dams AND terrify your neighbors into thinking you have amputated limbs on your roof!
tinypaperme+8
I did that last winter! It was klassy. My neighbor down the road who walks around in jeans, suspenders, and no shirt approved of this method.
cleoreads+34
Long johns! Thermal underwear is such a dad garment. I have an impressive collection of thermals, and I didn’t buy any of them – they were all Christmas presents from my dad. One year I decided to buy my husband a thermal undershirt and I was so completely bewildered by all the choices that I had to call my dad and ask for help – he was thrilled to give me his thermal undershirt 101 lecture!
My dad is less concerned with ice dams than with traction grit (two words: kitty litter!).
FrancesGnome+32
At one point in college, the kitty litter (which was helpfully stored in a reused extra large peanut butter jar) got all over the trunk of my car. I didn’t care and just let it go until the next time I went home and my dad not only got my bag out of the trunk for me, but he then vacuumed up all the scattered litter, refilled a non-broken jar and replaced it. I don’t even think he said much besides “did you know there was kitty litter all over your trunk? I fixed it.”
Mrs_Peel+20
The reused extra large peanut butter jar adds 100 Dad Points.
notebook-keeper+7
My dad was so bewildered when I began refusing to wear long johns at around age 12.
Mrs_Peel+8
In Ye Olden Days here in upstate NY, I read that kids had their long underwear basically sewn on when winter started and didn’t emerge from them until spring.
houblonchouffe+26
Two years ago day before yesterday, MrChouffe and I moved into our house and it was as close to disastrous as I can think of–he was behind me with the U-Haul, we live in northern Michigan, the driveway hadn’t been plowed, and I called him to make sure he stopped for 20 minutes so I could panic-shovel the FOUR FOOT HIGH SNOWDRIFT that had formed across the driveway in the week since we’d been at the house–and we tried everything, EVERYTHING, to get that U-Haul up the driveway and nothing was doing it until my dad showed up with two 25-lb bags of rock salt, calmly evaluated the situation, placed two or three welcome mats under strategic tires, salted everything twice, and just… I don’t even claim to know how it worked, but MrChouffe was trying to back up this 24-foot truck and my dad looked like the damn Moving Truck Whisperer and suddenly, as though by magic, the truck was snugged right up against the garage door.
Dad then proceeded to calmly unload the U-Haul, organize the house, and somehow manhandle a solid mahogany couch up a flight of steps. ??? DAD MAGIC
floridagal1+5
I’ve finally realized that after 5 Alberta winters, I am safe to get rid of my thermals because I have still NEVER WORN THEM.
doublehoagie+24
We got two Valentine’s day cards from my parents, or rather, one from my parents and one from my cat, yesterday. My dad made special additions to each card, which were lovely: Labeling the sleeping cat “Your cat sleeping by the fire”* and tips for surviving a relationship, “…but a good bottle of Barolo* wine doesn’t hurt.” The man loves few things more than Barolo wine, soup served in a bread bowl, and reminding me about how much of an asshole my cat is.
*Dad additions
I don’t know if I’m allowed to point this out or if this is secret dad code, but… Exlcusive 🙁
tragicallyludicrous+4
Oh dads.
(I only ever get Valentine’s cards from my parents, and they are always extremely sweet.)
Rosemary+2
My dad is all about signing things from the cat, too. Any christmas presents that he bought himself were always from “The Cat” (but not the cat’s name). Sadly he no longer has a cat so instead he makes sure to ask questions about mine whenever we talk on the phone. I’m pretty sure he wants to know more about the cat than he does me.
funkmistress+12
Ice dam? I am from the gulf coast. This time of year, we have more danger of breaking ankles on mardi gras beads.
phlippin+3
THE TEASER TYPO! MY EYES! /print editor twitches galore
jhsaxena+7
“Yeah well, Pobody’s Nerfect.” – dads everywhere
phlippin+4
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more the teaser typo adds to Dad Magazine’s authenticity. My dad’s emails and FB messages are riddled with typos. But I used to proofread magazine teasers for a living, so seeing a typo in a teaser sets off a sizable panic reflex.
JenV+20
My dad lives in Hawaii now so he cares not about ice dams. He is so brown, I believe he is slowly turning into a walnut. He’s also a huge baby about the cold now, so when he comes to visit me in Seattle he’s constantly trying to get me to turn up the heat (a blatant violation of the standard Dad Rules!)
Instead of weather-related advice, he’s always asking about whether my finances are OK and how my car is running. Dads. <3
coloredlights+11
Okay but what is an ice dam though? And yes, I have lived my whole life in places with blizzards and things.
My dad went on a long johns kick this year. He told me over and over again to buy some, even though every time I responded with “dad, I already have some.”
lbdinosaur+17
Ice dams are the thick ice that forms along gutters/eaves (caused by the freeze/thaw cycle.) Icicles hang from ice dams. The weight can damage the gutters and eaves, and the ice prevents melted snow from the roof from running into the gutters. The water will then either freeze onto the dam (adding weight/damage potential) or back up under the shingles, and into the house.
Mrs_Peel+14
That was an A+ Dadsplanation.
MilesofMountain+3
I had to look it up, too. I thought maybe it was another way of talking about ice jams (when chunks of ice pile up and dam a river so it floods out low lying areas with freezing ice/water/slush). I live in Canada, so I thought I was up on all the weird stuff ice and snow do.
JenV+3
My dad lives in Hawaii now so he cares not about ice dams. He is so brown, I believe he is slowly turning into a walnut. He’s also a huge baby about the cold now, so when he comes to visit me in Seattle he’s constantly trying to get me to turn up the heat (a blatant violation of the standard Dad Rules!)
So with no weather related advice to give, he’s always checking if my finances are OK, how my car is running, and making sure I have every tool I might need to fix anything. Dads. <3
emdash+24
My friend just texted me some big Dad news: Apparently Huey Lewis stopped by KPIG* to do a guest DJ set on his way to the Pro-Am in Pebble Beach. We think everything about this is extremely relevant to Dad interests.
*KPIG is a VERY Dad-oriented radio station for a certain kind of Central/Northern California Dad.
ladonnapietra+1
Praise the Lard!!
emdash+14
BREAKING NEWS: Am getting reports that San Francisco Giant Buster Posey is in Huey’s foursome this year. Will check back in as Dad events develop.
tragicallyludicrous+2
Wow, that’s very important Dad News.
Faintly_Macabre+19
A few weeks ago, I saw my dad and he gave radiator key. (There’s no evidence that our radiators need bleeding, he just thinks they might.) I saw him this weekend, and he correctly figured that I hadn’t tried to learn how to bleed the radiators. So this time he showed me how, using an empty yogurt container he brought along to catch the water (you know, just in case there were no containers in my house).
He also brought a vacuum cleaner with hose, dust mask, and brush (because he correctly figured I’d lost the refrigerator brush he’d given me when I moved in) and cleaned the coils of my house’s fridge. My housemates weren’t even aware that that was a thing, but he’d been reminding me to do it since we moved in. Dads <3!
floridagal1+9
“you know, just in case there were no containers in my house”
A++ dying
Household_Opera+8
DAD ROMANCE. Now that song’s lodged itself in my head and I’m going to have an all-week-long earworm.
floridagal1+11
My christian fundamentalist in-laws have somehow gotten the impression that the “Bad Romance” song is about how great married romance is, and sing it cheerfully around the house. It’s difficult not to start giggling like crazy when they do.
katieshmatie+5
I look forward to Dad Magazine covers every month <3
cleoreads+8
In my grandparents’ house, every door knob was ringed with rubber bands. No one ever threw away a rubber band, unless it was so old that it fell apart instead of stretching.
ETA: this is in response to isthismeta’s comment about rubber bands up thread.
tinypaperme+5
That’s how my doorknob to the hall closet is. I use them not for banding things together, but for opening stubborn jars. One on the lid, one on the jar, twist, and presto! Pickles. (Or whatever is in the jar.)
V_Hardapple+9
The comments on these make me teary every damn time.
LeftyLibrarian+22
My dad is not a Dad Magazine kind of dad, but my old (now retired) boss is! A few of us had dinner with him a few weeks ago, and here is a list of things that went down: 1) he was excited to tell us about the selection of CDs he had on shuffle in his player for the evening, and repeatedly offered to let us borrow any of them 2) he produced a box of items he was purging from his place that he wanted to give us-a coffee maker, a thermos, some drinking glasses, etc 3) at one point he grabbed his cell phone and started pretending he was talking to Barack Obama, inviting him to come over and hang with us 4) he spent the whole night talking about this one Lyle Lovett song we HAD TO listen to before we left. He finally put it on, and did a wee bit of dancing on his way back to his seat and then we all sat there in silence for the duration of a very long song 5) we all had to text him when we got home to our respective places to let him know we drove home safely
jay+3
i want to work for someone like this.
Mephyle+7
Dad fans, please enjoy the video at this news story. A neighbourhood in North Bay, Ontario has been building a five-backyard luge track. A couple of Dads are interviewed starting at about 20 seconds into the video. I saw this the other day and I thought immediately of Dad Magazine. Glad to share it with you!
mymagicplacenta+8
A luge track? My father would lie full length on the old beat-up leather couch in the evenings, drinking wine and cuddling the boxer dog, and my parents started to call this behavior ‘practicing the luge.’ They would talk about how great he was going to be at the winter Olympics, with all the great practice he was putting in, then they would laugh like drains.
Owl Queen+6
Just before Christmas I went to see my dad in a weird experimental choir thing where we wandered around a local building with voices coming from different places.
This seems like simultaneously a very un-dadlike thing to do yet ALSO within Dad Magazine’s interests?
Jaya
"Yeah well, Pobody's Nerfect." – dads everywhere
Elyse
When I stop home over the weekend, I will give him a rather large Toast-fueled hug.
Even if he made chocolate ice cream with five-year-old baking chocolate last night.
supergogo
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more the teaser typo adds to Dad Magazine's authenticity. My dad's emails and FB messages are riddled with typos. But I used to proofread magazine teasers for a living, so seeing a typo in a teaser sets off a sizable panic reflex.
My dad had special heating coils built into the roof because we had so much trouble with ice back in the day that as it melted, it leaked in through the walls and bulged out the latex paint. The pouches the water formed looked like breasts, so we used to call them the “boob walls.”
It’s been 20+ years since this but I remember it so vividly???
I think anybody would remember boob walls vividly, to be honest.
My dad once took the slipcover and padding off the ironing board and covered the ironing surface in aluminum foil because “the aluminum will conduct heat better so the clothes will iron faster.” It didn’t work, but he was so proud of his brainwave that nobody had the heart to point this out to him.
I’m imagining the wrinkles now.
Oh! The wrinkles!
I don’t even believe in ironing but it hurts my housewife heart.
My favorite example of “dad repairs” (though not by my own dad):
One house we lived in had a Rolling Rock beer cap *very carefully* screwed into the door jamb. (To keep it from slamming, I guess?) Someone in a hurry might have just hammered a nail in there, but someone had obviously used a drill and put a perfectly centered Phillips-head screw in the beer cap.
My mom is a Rolling Rock fan, so that was her favorite feature of the house.
ice. dam. nation.
roll. dam. tide.
War Dam Eagle (I’ll show myself out)
DAD ROMANCE!
I can tell my dad has a crush when he tells me in an admiring tone that “so and so is a very…well she’s uh, she’s…she’s a very attractive lady, very put together.” SLOW DOWN, ROMEO.
Also my dad is in his mid sixties, fit, super into shopping, antiques, wine, and not that crazy about sports. I have no idea why he’s not been snapped up by someone. He lives in Florida ALREADY, for god’s sake. He has all his hair and teeth! Yes, sometimes he tells long boring stories about the restaurant that used to be where that gas station is now or which exit is best to take on I-95 if you want to get to a particular city, but c’mon!
“very put together” sounds like something my dad would say. His highest compliment about appearances was “She looked sharp… very sharp.”
It’s like dad vernacular.
I even asked my brother what he said to him, to see if his description varied by the gender of the child he’s speaking to (my brother is male, I myself am a Lovecraftian nightmare god), but nope. I think if he’s really hot to trot, he kind of emphases the R in very. “She was a verrrry attractive lady.” *knowing look over his transition lens glasses*
You mean the transition lenses that never quite go back to clear indoors?
I would kill for a man who complimented with “put together” or “sharp”.
IT COVERS YOUR LOOKS AND YOUR MAD SKILLZ ALL IN ONE I COVET IT
I really need to get over my fear of dating women.
He sounds like a total catch, tbh. I need to fix him up with my MIL (she’s in South Miami)!
I wish my dad was that circumspect. He’s a musician and tends to say things like “she’s a badass broad, and I want some of what she’s sittin on.” DAD. That’s my neighbor!
He is also the greatest dad in the history of dads.
” I want some of what she’s sittin on”
Thank you for this– I’m adding it to my personal phrasebook.
OMG I have so many of these. “don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin” is a personal favorite.
Also canon: “that (stock market, gas prices, something banal) is going up and down faster than a stripper’s knickers”.
(scribbles furiously in notebook)
My family doesn’t really have any neat phrases like this, although my grandfather does like to tell a story about how he wrestled a panther once.
a panther! mine tells a story about wrestling a gator. This must be grandpa magic.
Also useful for the phrasebook: “butterbean” used inappropriately. “Dress on that girl is so tight, I can see her butterbean.” “I sure would like to flick her butterbean”.
That said, when I was a kid working at a crappy chain restaurant/bar at the local mall, my dad would take my keys, all the other waitresses’ keys, and move our cars closer to the door under the lights, and gave us all mace. He’s completely inappropriate to talk to, but he is a Southern gentleman at heart. DAD. I’m going to call him,
“Flick her butterbean” just brought tears to my eyes
The car moving thing is peak dad. Peak dad. Tell him a lot of anonymous women on the internet approve of him.
My dad would waggle his brows and moustache at all y’all, and then call you with the weather and crime reports for the last 4 places you have lived, and then play you Donny Hathaway or John Denver, depending on your tastes.
The men in my father’s family are very careful in their speech (I’m never sure if I need to explain swear words to my dad) but I have heard a story that my grandfather once punched a horse in the face and knocked it out.
We also have a photo of my mom’s brother pointing to an alligator about ten feet away from him, on the golf course, with an entertainingly terrified facial expression as he waits for his friend to get the picture right.
PUNCHED A HORSE OUT.
You must share this story.
I have approximately 8 million of these. I also edited a book he wrote, got it printed and bound for him for Christmas, and I swear he was like to die from Dadness over it.
I’m not crying, you’re crying, shut up, Dad is in poor health, but I just think he’s a national treasure. He adopts all of my friends and calls you all “Jennifer”. (I am not even kidding about the last, he calls every girl I know “Jennifer” after my longest bestie, and now has no idea what any of your names are.)
Also he just emailed me the same article about helicopters three times. DAD.
I think the most relevant part of my grandfather’s story may be that he was coming home from the bar at the time…
*His* story is that he saw a panther near their house, and decided that (since no one would believe he saw a panther in the middle of suburban upstate NY), he would somehow wrestle it into the basement of their house and take a picture of it. As one does.
He apparently didn’t have too much success with this, and got pretty scratched up in the attempt, eventually passing out and hitting his head on the sink. Then he had to call his school principal the next day, and explain why he wasn’t coming in to teach his high school classes. My grandmother (a sober and reliable individual) corroborates at least the part of the story where he was bleeding from some pretty large scratches and fell down.
(My grandfather claims that there were some subsequent articles in the paper about a panther on the loose from the zoo. Someday, maybe one of us will do a little microfilm search…)
He also has some other good stories, like getting arrested with Noam Chomsky at a Vietnam war protest at an MLA conference. That at least is actually true.
I love so much that you said microfilm
I love even more “and take a picture of it. As one does.” because, sure, grandaddy.
And one more bon mot from our house of ill repute. “I don’t run. Running’s for fugitives. Know what I chase? Women, cocktails, and a paycheck.” YA DAMN RIGHT.
I’m adopting this as my personal motto!
Oh my lord, imagine how SURPRISED the panther was. Or the bobcat, or the Great Dane with oddly docked ears. This is wonderful.
Or possibly just an unusually large house cat…
Your dad needs to meet my mom.
CAN WE PLEASE CREATE A TOAST PARENT MATCHMAKING FORUM.
My mom is so great (and bananas, but that’s another story). She deserves someone great! Let’s do this!
An online version of Love Connection. Hosted by [insert name], color commentary by Mallory Ortberg. Just a thought…
YES LET’S
I want to encourage my dad back out into the dating scene. He’s more of a sensitive/ New Age/ Alan Alda-type dad, who loves going out to hear classical music and jazz.
Your dad sounds like a catch! Antiques, wine, and a lack of interest in sports; maybe he is conducting secret romances? Gentleman never kiss and tell.
My dearest wish is to receive a Valentine that describes me as very attractive and well put together, alas I am courting in the wrong demographic. And I shudder to think what descriptors the current generation will be using when they reach their sixties.
hello, i would probably date your dad.
I have been unable to shovel my driveway all week because we got about three feet of snow and I’ve been sick. My dad was VERY CONCERNED about the snow removal situation until my neighbor and my husband’s coworkers came by to free me from my snowy prison. Now he keeps sending me ideas like “Here’s a great snow scoop!” And “Have you considered a different shovel?”
Dads: always covering the weather situations of their adult daughters. Ice dams are a secondary worry for my dad.
My dad likes to send me traffic updates. “Just wanted you to know that there’s construction and it’s backed up! You should take the following extremely detailed alternate route, just in case.”
My husband obsesses about ice dams. I’m so glad he’s creating these memories for our daughter. I used to think it’s what you obsessed over during the winter since the lawn was covered in snow but my husband couldn’t care less about the lawn. I help to feed his obsession by bringing home co-workers tales of their ice dams. One co-worker had a 3 inch think one covering his back door so he couldn’t let the dog out. Wait maybe I’m obsessed with ice dams…
Dad is a state of mind, wrapped in an enigma, wearing sandals over black socks and not giving a damn.
Ice dams are extremely relevant to my interests right now. Sometimes I fear that I’m the dad in my family, except that I am also constantly asking people if they want to put on a sweater/ turn on more lights.
You could always be the dad and the mom both?
I dunno, my dad’s the one who worries about turning on more lights. You can tell when he’s home because his house is lit up like a Christmas tree inside.
My dad goes around turning lights off, even if people are in the room.
A little OT but still a parent story: My mom, she moms so hard that this year, she enclosed a coupon in my birthday card. Dad sent me a mushy e-mail, the only time of the year he ever gets mushy with me. My parents, sometimes they irritate me but I love ’em to pieces.
I thought I had the World’s Greatest Dad, but he’s never even lectured me once about ice dams.
Also, I got the Dad-est e-mail last week. All it said was “OK. Just made blueberry muffins.”
Half of the texts I get just say “Yay! Love, Mom”. (In response to whatever I said to her earlier).
Most of the emails I get from my dad are just links to news stories with a one-word comment, usually either “YEAH” or “ugh.” DADS.
Oh god, that “OK.” made me miss my dad SO HARD*. Hug your dad for me, or if that’s weird — yeah, that’s weird. You know what I mean.
*though he would never, ever have made blueberry muffins. He spent years and years cooking for himself while my parents had a long-distance marriage, and he still could barely heat canned chili or bake a potato without cursing. He did, however, teach me to make pie crust, because that is more about what you don’t do than what you do.
hugs and hugs, bebe. It’s those little things, ain’t it? My daddy is in poor health but still very funny, and I collect his aphorisms and sillies like jewels. <33333
When I stop home over the weekend, I will give him a rather large Toast-fueled hug.
Even if he made chocolate ice cream with five-year-old baking chocolate last night.
my dad has only recently gotten a smart phone and started with the texting and the emailing. if my friends sent me the sort of random stuff he sends me (a bacon jelly recipe at 11pm, weather updates at 5 am, etc.) i’d text back asking if they were drunk or high. but thanks to Dad magazine and my fellow Toastonians and *their* dads, i know to just shake my head an smile and say, “…oh, dads.”
My dad still doesn’t understand that texts aren’t like e-mails, so he signs every single one he sends. Every. Single. One.
“Getting milk, need anything else? Love, Dad”
“Remember to check oil. Thanks, Dad”
ICE DAMS. This winter has been historic (and ridiculous) in Boston, and were he with us, my dad would be calling and emailing me every day to give us the forecast/make sure we had power/lecture us on cleaning off the roof. It makes me miss him that much more.
My husband started getting the Family Handyman magazine, which is super Dad. There’s a section where readers send in their tips and there was a funny one this month that I wanted to share with you toasties. I just went to their website to see if I could find it to link to, and was greeted by something even better and Dadder. This is the pop up that greets you. Note the text you have to click if you don’t want to give your email address.
SO DAD.
We will never regain control of our garage, not with all the secret organisation tips in the world. It is a lost land, a bastion of primordial chaos. There are bikes and wine and what are probably camping chairs but no-one’s been able to get to them in years.
That’s the third-most-weirdly-specific magazine I’ve ever heard of. (After “Veterinary Economics”, which I found while cleaning hotel rooms, and “Varmint Hunter”, which my boyfriend found in a barbershop).
“I prefer a disorganized garage” sounds awfully judgmental.
One profitable way to avoid the danger of ice dams is to have a grow op in your house.
WHITMAN’S SAMPLERS. Oh my goodness did you know they sell boxes of Whitman’s the size of briefcases at CVS for $20? If the dads of the world find out about this we’re all doomed.
My 99 year old grandmother LOVES Whitman Samplers. I fell into a black hole on Amazon trying to buy one for her for Christmas – I didn’t think she really needed the briefcase sized one, but apparently they don’t make small, single sized samplers. I know from experience that non Whitman’s Samplers don’t really cut it – the window for changing brand loyalties closed a long time ago. So I got a way too big one and told myself she could share them – I’m pretty sure she just ate herself into a sugar high, and who am I to judge that?
hokay tho, I just met some musician dudes who… didn’t know what a whitman sampler was???? until they went on a tour up north and found them in a gas station??? and became obsessed with them and bought like 20 and ended up calling their tour the Whitman Sampler tour???? and when I was like “um okay i get them in my stocking for christmas every year from my grandma” they were all like “YOU KNOW WHAT THESE MAGICAL THINGS ARE??!”
tl;dr apparently Whitman Samplers don’t exist in Louisiana.
hahaha
That’s like my brother visiting me in Ireland and discovering Cheese and Onion Tayto crisps; This is the most common brand in the country in the most popular flavour -ie, you can find them anywhere.
We drove across the country and he bought himself two packs at every gas station stop “in case they don’t have any at the next one.”
I’ll take the sugar-free version for my pops. Diabetes, you know.
NO
WHAT
I WILL GO IMMEDIATELY
… oh my gosh, I am my dad.
my dad is obsessed with whitman’s samplers. He’d buy the giant one and it would sit out on the counter forever, as we all snuck candies out of it when we thought nobody was looking. I don’t know why everyone in my family felt like we had to hide our (obviously genetic) chocolate obsession from each other, but that’s what we did. Everyone knew that Dad had dibs on the peanut and pecan ones, Grandma and I would share the cherries, and everyone would know exactly how many of their favourite type were left in the box at any given time and woe to you if you ate someone else’s kind of chocolate! It didn’t seem weird until I wrote it out…
One time, my parents had this 2 or 3 layer box of chocolates and I LOVED THEM. I kept sneaking more and more from the bottom layer which of course meant when they finished the top layer and lifted off the plastic tray, it was pretty much empty underneath. Man or man did I get a tongue lashing for that one.
My future FIL sent us a picture message yesterday of his roof covered in a bunch of old pantyhose and dress socks filled with IceMelt. Apparently this is a way to remove ice dams AND terrify your neighbors into thinking you have amputated limbs on your roof!
I did that last winter! It was klassy. My neighbor down the road who walks around in jeans, suspenders, and no shirt approved of this method.
Long johns! Thermal underwear is such a dad garment. I have an impressive collection of thermals, and I didn’t buy any of them – they were all Christmas presents from my dad. One year I decided to buy my husband a thermal undershirt and I was so completely bewildered by all the choices that I had to call my dad and ask for help – he was thrilled to give me his thermal undershirt 101 lecture!
My dad is less concerned with ice dams than with traction grit (two words: kitty litter!).
At one point in college, the kitty litter (which was helpfully stored in a reused extra large peanut butter jar) got all over the trunk of my car. I didn’t care and just let it go until the next time I went home and my dad not only got my bag out of the trunk for me, but he then vacuumed up all the scattered litter, refilled a non-broken jar and replaced it. I don’t even think he said much besides “did you know there was kitty litter all over your trunk? I fixed it.”
The reused extra large peanut butter jar adds 100 Dad Points.
My dad was so bewildered when I began refusing to wear long johns at around age 12.
In Ye Olden Days here in upstate NY, I read that kids had their long underwear basically sewn on when winter started and didn’t emerge from them until spring.
Two years ago day before yesterday, MrChouffe and I moved into our house and it was as close to disastrous as I can think of–he was behind me with the U-Haul, we live in northern Michigan, the driveway hadn’t been plowed, and I called him to make sure he stopped for 20 minutes so I could panic-shovel the FOUR FOOT HIGH SNOWDRIFT that had formed across the driveway in the week since we’d been at the house–and we tried everything, EVERYTHING, to get that U-Haul up the driveway and nothing was doing it until my dad showed up with two 25-lb bags of rock salt, calmly evaluated the situation, placed two or three welcome mats under strategic tires, salted everything twice, and just… I don’t even claim to know how it worked, but MrChouffe was trying to back up this 24-foot truck and my dad looked like the damn Moving Truck Whisperer and suddenly, as though by magic, the truck was snugged right up against the garage door.
Dad then proceeded to calmly unload the U-Haul, organize the house, and somehow manhandle a solid mahogany couch up a flight of steps. ??? DAD MAGIC
I’ve finally realized that after 5 Alberta winters, I am safe to get rid of my thermals because I have still NEVER WORN THEM.
We got two Valentine’s day cards from my parents, or rather, one from my parents and one from my cat, yesterday. My dad made special additions to each card, which were lovely: Labeling the sleeping cat “Your cat sleeping by the fire”* and tips for surviving a relationship, “…but a good bottle of Barolo* wine doesn’t hurt.” The man loves few things more than Barolo wine, soup served in a bread bowl, and reminding me about how much of an asshole my cat is.
*Dad additions
I don’t know if I’m allowed to point this out or if this is secret dad code, but… Exlcusive 🙁
Oh dads.
(I only ever get Valentine’s cards from my parents, and they are always extremely sweet.)
My dad is all about signing things from the cat, too. Any christmas presents that he bought himself were always from “The Cat” (but not the cat’s name). Sadly he no longer has a cat so instead he makes sure to ask questions about mine whenever we talk on the phone. I’m pretty sure he wants to know more about the cat than he does me.
Ice dam? I am from the gulf coast. This time of year, we have more danger of breaking ankles on mardi gras beads.
THE TEASER TYPO! MY EYES! /print editor twitches galore
“Yeah well, Pobody’s Nerfect.” – dads everywhere
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more the teaser typo adds to Dad Magazine’s authenticity. My dad’s emails and FB messages are riddled with typos. But I used to proofread magazine teasers for a living, so seeing a typo in a teaser sets off a sizable panic reflex.
My dad lives in Hawaii now so he cares not about ice dams. He is so brown, I believe he is slowly turning into a walnut. He’s also a huge baby about the cold now, so when he comes to visit me in Seattle he’s constantly trying to get me to turn up the heat (a blatant violation of the standard Dad Rules!)
Instead of weather-related advice, he’s always asking about whether my finances are OK and how my car is running. Dads. <3
Okay but what is an ice dam though? And yes, I have lived my whole life in places with blizzards and things.
My dad went on a long johns kick this year. He told me over and over again to buy some, even though every time I responded with “dad, I already have some.”
Ice dams are the thick ice that forms along gutters/eaves (caused by the freeze/thaw cycle.) Icicles hang from ice dams. The weight can damage the gutters and eaves, and the ice prevents melted snow from the roof from running into the gutters. The water will then either freeze onto the dam (adding weight/damage potential) or back up under the shingles, and into the house.
That was an A+ Dadsplanation.
I had to look it up, too. I thought maybe it was another way of talking about ice jams (when chunks of ice pile up and dam a river so it floods out low lying areas with freezing ice/water/slush). I live in Canada, so I thought I was up on all the weird stuff ice and snow do.
My dad lives in Hawaii now so he cares not about ice dams. He is so brown, I believe he is slowly turning into a walnut. He’s also a huge baby about the cold now, so when he comes to visit me in Seattle he’s constantly trying to get me to turn up the heat (a blatant violation of the standard Dad Rules!)
So with no weather related advice to give, he’s always checking if my finances are OK, how my car is running, and making sure I have every tool I might need to fix anything. Dads. <3
My friend just texted me some big Dad news: Apparently Huey Lewis stopped by KPIG* to do a guest DJ set on his way to the Pro-Am in Pebble Beach. We think everything about this is extremely relevant to Dad interests.
*KPIG is a VERY Dad-oriented radio station for a certain kind of Central/Northern California Dad.
Praise the Lard!!
BREAKING NEWS: Am getting reports that San Francisco Giant Buster Posey is in Huey’s foursome this year. Will check back in as Dad events develop.
Wow, that’s very important Dad News.
A few weeks ago, I saw my dad and he gave radiator key. (There’s no evidence that our radiators need bleeding, he just thinks they might.) I saw him this weekend, and he correctly figured that I hadn’t tried to learn how to bleed the radiators. So this time he showed me how, using an empty yogurt container he brought along to catch the water (you know, just in case there were no containers in my house).
He also brought a vacuum cleaner with hose, dust mask, and brush (because he correctly figured I’d lost the refrigerator brush he’d given me when I moved in) and cleaned the coils of my house’s fridge. My housemates weren’t even aware that that was a thing, but he’d been reminding me to do it since we moved in. Dads <3!
“you know, just in case there were no containers in my house”
A++ dying
DAD ROMANCE. Now that song’s lodged itself in my head and I’m going to have an all-week-long earworm.
My christian fundamentalist in-laws have somehow gotten the impression that the “Bad Romance” song is about how great married romance is, and sing it cheerfully around the house. It’s difficult not to start giggling like crazy when they do.
I look forward to Dad Magazine covers every month <3
In my grandparents’ house, every door knob was ringed with rubber bands. No one ever threw away a rubber band, unless it was so old that it fell apart instead of stretching.
ETA: this is in response to isthismeta’s comment about rubber bands up thread.
That’s how my doorknob to the hall closet is. I use them not for banding things together, but for opening stubborn jars. One on the lid, one on the jar, twist, and presto! Pickles. (Or whatever is in the jar.)
The comments on these make me teary every damn time.
My dad is not a Dad Magazine kind of dad, but my old (now retired) boss is! A few of us had dinner with him a few weeks ago, and here is a list of things that went down:
1) he was excited to tell us about the selection of CDs he had on shuffle in his player for the evening, and repeatedly offered to let us borrow any of them
2) he produced a box of items he was purging from his place that he wanted to give us-a coffee maker, a thermos, some drinking glasses, etc
3) at one point he grabbed his cell phone and started pretending he was talking to Barack Obama, inviting him to come over and hang with us
4) he spent the whole night talking about this one Lyle Lovett song we HAD TO listen to before we left. He finally put it on, and did a wee bit of dancing on his way back to his seat and then we all sat there in silence for the duration of a very long song
5) we all had to text him when we got home to our respective places to let him know we drove home safely
i want to work for someone like this.
Dad fans, please enjoy the video at this news story. A neighbourhood in North Bay, Ontario has been building a five-backyard luge track. A couple of Dads are interviewed starting at about 20 seconds into the video. I saw this the other day and I thought immediately of Dad Magazine. Glad to share it with you!
A luge track? My father would lie full length on the old beat-up leather couch in the evenings, drinking wine and cuddling the boxer dog, and my parents started to call this behavior ‘practicing the luge.’ They would talk about how great he was going to be at the winter Olympics, with all the great practice he was putting in, then they would laugh like drains.
Just before Christmas I went to see my dad in a weird experimental choir thing where we wandered around a local building with voices coming from different places.
This seems like simultaneously a very un-dadlike thing to do yet ALSO within Dad Magazine’s interests?
"Yeah well, Pobody's Nerfect." – dads everywhere
When I stop home over the weekend, I will give him a rather large Toast-fueled hug.
Even if he made chocolate ice cream with five-year-old baking chocolate last night.
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more the teaser typo adds to Dad Magazine's authenticity. My dad's emails and FB messages are riddled with typos. But I used to proofread magazine teasers for a living, so seeing a typo in a teaser sets off a sizable panic reflex.