Part One here.
“Certain damp crevices were of great interest to them; other damp crevices were carefully avoided. There appeared to be little logic behind the distinction, but there it was all the same.”
“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.”
“Although both parties were close enough to one another to be heard using only a very quiet voice, they both insisted on speaking to one another quite loudly, preferring vague and meaningless vocalizations over specific words. Had they used words familiar to the both of them, things might not have become so confusing.”
“Fluid was produced in three chief areas, but consumed in only one.”
“They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”
“The warmth and movement produced in the appendage in question was the direct result of the blood lying just underneath the skin; blood that would cover the floor and the other party were there even the slightest breach of skin integrity. Later, the blood would retreat; eventually the blood would cease to circulate entirely, evaporate upon decomposition, and return its components to the greater ecosystem.”
“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”
“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”
“The hair on their lower bodies met, as if two eyeless friends found one another after a long and unexpected absence.”
“They put their mouths upon, but did not consume, one another’s flimsiest parts, as if they had forgotten what the process of eating looked like, and could only remember the very beginning of the act.”
“One of them spasmed a great deal sooner than the other, which appeared to cause a great deal of consternation. The other, when they did spasm, spasmed in such a way that suggested all was forgiven. Later they ceased to move at all, and lay prone for several hours without talking to one another or even opening their eyes, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”
Tags: disgust, erotica, the human body, writing
omg, all of sex described “as if hiding from a passing predator”
not very effectively if the predator is of average or above hearing
“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.” too real, way too real.
Legitimately my life story
Came down here to paste this exact thing
Both partaking in the moist event offered verbal devotions to various deities, especially as spasming neared. All of their muscle striations flexed and breathing elevated yet shallowed, akin to a myocardial infarction.
“oh deity i am close to a spasm,” he said.
O RLY
Indeed.
LITTERING.
Came here to make that exact comment, formatting and all.
“They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”
Will forever be turned on by chairs now.
Awkward.
I’m just gonna incorporate it into my romancin lines… ‘Come, my love, let us sit as the stackable chairs!’
Oh, Mallory. I now have to go over to archiveofourown to cleanse my erotica palate from all this (delicious, delicious) horror.
In other news, Damp Crevices is the name of my new feminist aggro punk band.
Slits cover band?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyXGblps64M
Damp Crevices Carefully Avoided
Whereas I am trying to write palate cleansing things to contribute to archive of our own and now FAILING MISERABLY because I can’t stop thinking about mouth bacteria.
Bwahahahahaha! Oh, Mallory.
“Um, you gonna clean that up?”
“Nah, someone else will get it.”
Tragedy of the commons.
more like tragedy of the condoms, amirite?
Eh? Eh?
At least everyone’s spasming? That’s good, right?
You’re really on a roll today, Mallory Ortberg.
She’s been hitting it out of the park all week. Like, even more than usual, which I would never have thought possible.
I hope that whatever external influences are contributing to this turn of events continue.
“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”
“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”
!!!!!!!!
“A great deal of consternation” is a generous description.
They sat upon one another, like stackable chairs.”
Now I’m all hot and bothered at work.
A group of socially awkward boys at my high school stacked chairs in compromising positions and took photos, calling this “furniture porn.” They considered it the funniest thing to ever happen when they managed to sneak these photos into the yearbook.
“The warmth and movement produced in the appendage in question was the direct result of the blood lying just underneath the skin; blood that would cover the floor and the other party were there even the slightest breach of skin integrity.”
Totally on the alien’s side with this one. I have told the “one time a guy TORE his FORESKIN INSIDE ME” story here before. It is not a nice story and I’m pretty sure it contributed to my lesbianism. (Which is fine, lesbianism is awesome.)
D:
I have also torn someone’s foreskin, and [(a) the amount of blood produced plus (b) his seemingly not noticing until I pointed it out] were pretty shocking. Still love fuckin da mens, though.
On a minor key, how do you deal with knowing “I fucked up so bad, she abandoned men altogether.”
I’ve never had a foreskin, and I just physically recoiled. Yikes.
Now there’s an entry in the circumcision debates I hadn’t heard before.
The other, when they did spasm, spasmed in such a way that suggested all was forgiven.
IT WASN’T THOUGH
This is a gold mine of ideas for the Valentine’s Day card for my fiancé that I still need to fill out.
I think I’m just going to post this to my gentleman caller’s facebook page tomorrow.
As the calamity wound down a terrible thought crossed my minds: where is the probe data? Was this subterfuge?
You kid, but this is actually my worst fear.
So Tom Wolfe is obviously not of our planet:
Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns … “
http://www.theguardian.com/books/2004/dec/14/awar…
Coincidentally, he said he hung around colleges researching that book and said “it’s good to be the man from Mars” and let everyone know you don’t know anything, and they’ll tell you.
So….yes.
Oh man. I would loooove to hear that story from the students’ perspectives. “You would NOT believe what we told this fucking author guy in the white suit who was like 100 years old….”
This would explain why he mentioned ‘mp4 players’ several times in that book.
Certain damp crevices were of great interest to them; other damp crevices were carefully avoided. There appeared to be little logic behind the distinction, but there it was all the same.
For some reason, this is cracking me up mightily.
Having recently seen “Under the Skin” I heard all of these read in Scarlett Johansson’s voice.
“His genitals snuck inside of hers, as if in hiding from a passing predator.”
THIS IS CLEARLY WHAT SEX IS ABOUT.
Love all of these. Especially the last, with the forgiving spasms.
“Hands that had very recently been used to pet a cat were now inserted inside another human being’s vulnerabilities.”
you’re pretty fuckin judgmental, alien.
Erotica Where The Terms For “Genitals” Have Been Replaced By “Vulnerabilities”
“One of them left a great deal of residue on the other, which under normal circumstances would be considered littering.”
Oh, I’m dying. This is so, so excellent.
Quite hilarious. Very frustrating process of trying to enter a comment though. Please add one more vote for the greatness of “as if hiding from a passing predator.”
I loved the last installation of this beautiful series (it’s a series now!) so much, this is the best thing about this Thursday, hands down.
I start to wonder how this alien’s biology works, since it doesn’t grasp human biology (in a very, well, alien fashion).
OK we are making a *lot* of assumptions about how this alien does the sex but I’ll go with it. I’m assuming this is a genderless grey blob type. Or a robot anthropolgist. If this alien has cloaca it has NO RIGHT TO JUDGE. Not that I have thought about this a lot.*
*I literally think about alien/human sex all the time
I was wondering if the males just release their seed to the tides, and the females go swimming to collect it.
…what???
A friend just told me last night about 2 separate incidents of humans and dolphins “falling in love” (sex happened too I guess) and it was horrifying. One was human man with female dolphin, other was female human with male dolphin. Apparently after the “breakups” or separations, both dolphins committed suicide by drowning (which is easy for them). Then my friend goes, “so now I want to have sex with a dolphin” which is twisted and funny.
Yeah, Jezebel literally ran an interview with that guy yesterday. It was by Jia Tolentino, even!
Also I do not understand how we got from aliens to dolphin sex.
Whoops, oh well now I summarized it via hearsay. Dolphins are aliens.
I’m amazed that I can coherently answer this question.
In season 3, episode 9 of Upright Citizens Brigade, it is made clear that dolphins are aliens from space that only come to earth to buy jeans. Their less-evolved brethren, who lack their ability to walk upright and use psychic attacks, are left on earth. All dolphins, regardless of their level of evolution, are incapable of refusing a request to go down on a human.
So you see, this all really makes a lot of sense.
http://www.cc.com/video-clips/69m57b/upright-citi…
Pretty sure it was a Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy joke first.
I still do not approve of people having questionably consensual sex with dolphins. :/
Yeah, that was clearly not a freely-given, enthusiastic “yes!” 🙁
Here is my deal with these “zoophiles.” Most of them are men. Men are notoriously bad at negotiating consent with creatures WHO CAN EXPLICITLY SAY YES OR NO WITH THEIR WORDS. I sure as shit do not believe them when they say, “This animal, with whom I do not share a common language or behavioural patterns, was totally into it.”
IDK about the dude/lady dolphin, but trust me when I say HUMANS: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH A MALE DOLPHIN. THIS IS NEVER A GOOD TIME FOR ANYONE INVOLVED.
How they do it:
The queen chooses her favorite amongst the drones and spears him in the lower thorax with her ovipositor, killing him instantly, but bathing her eggs in his sperm. Fertilized, she begins her journey to the outside where she will seek out an unsuspecting host in which to inject her egg sack. The queen’s larval broodlings will hatch and proceed to consume the host from the inside instinctively sparing vital organs until all else has been eaten. Once the host perishes, the broodling larvae will depart the corpse in search of an ideal site to spin a cocoon.
(Modeled after some wasps)
Now there's an entry in the circumcision debates I hadn't heard before.
This is horrifying. I am horrified. Please never stop writing. *recoils*
This is horrifying. I am horrified. Please never stop writing. *recoils*
As an asexual, I can wholeheartedly agree with all of these sentiments.
Here is my deal with these "zoophiles." Most of them are men. Men are notoriously bad at negotiating consent with creatures WHO CAN EXPLICITLY SAY YES OR NO WITH THEIR WORDS. I sure as shit do not believe them when they say, "This animal, with whom I do not share a common language or behavioural patterns, was totally into it."
Amazing.
“Fluid was produced in three chief areas, but consumed in only one.”
WHICH ONE THOUGH WHICH ONE? More to the point, which three areas? ahhhh