I’m usually not one to complain about modern gender roles, but I’ve come to realize that women are not pulling our weight as a gender in the same way that we used to. It pains me to admit it, but there it is. All of the following paintings are named “Portrait of a Woman” (or a lady, or a young woman, or some minor variation); they are regular paintings of regular ladies doing regular things, and they put each and every one of us to shame.
Here’s “Portrait of a Woman,” by Marcus Gheeraerts the Younger. The sight of a woman bedecked in a shapeless silver gown, in turquoise slippers and a beehive crown who had mastered and tamed a noble beast of the hunt was once so commonplace it needed no additional title. Portrait of a Woman with Deer? No. People will instinctively understand that deer serve her, because she is a woman.
“Mother, how will I know when I am a woman?”
“You will wear a ruby the size of a bird, and clutch a baby unicorn with sad eyes to your breast. That is how you will know.”
When was the last time you read something this severely, while sprawled across an authentic Scottish tartan? You are scarcely worthy of the name Woman.
“Portrait of a Woman.” Standard-issue women, pearls and ivory-white headwraps and enigmatic smiles.
There are two things that separate a real woman from a girl: she has a tree growing out of her back, and she wraps everything but her right breast in red fur.
“There are two kinds of scarves: floor-length, and just fucking around.”
You don’t even own an umbrella, do you? And if you were given one, you would be unable to pose insouciantly with it, because we live in an age that is shamed. Rome, thou hast lost thy breed of noble bloods.
Just a regular woman in a regular gown holding a regular fan. I don’t know what’s on your floor right now, but I’m willing to bet it isn’t a single crushed white rose. Whatever is on your floor right now, I’m willing to bet it’s aggressively mediocre, just like your life.
Q: What does a lady wear?
A: A lady wears a green crushed-velvet cape, a cunning hat, and her own arms.
“Portrait of a Woman,” Paul César Helleu. Don’t you think if he had found her in the least unusual he would have called it “Portrait of a Remarkable Woman”? “Portrait of a Woman in White”? This woman was one step above garbage at the time. Women of this era spent so much time launching ocean vessels and inventing stevedores that they thought nothing of dressing like The White Witch of Narnia and sitting for portraits.
REAL WOMEN: wear linen togas and accent their headwraps with laurel wreaths and light-blue caps. REAL WOMEN: have exactly thirty-six strands of hair that coil in perfect unison. REAL WOMEN: always have exactly five flowers in their perfect grasps and never have more than one breast covered at a time.
This girl is a better woman than anyone I have ever met. That ferret draped over her shoulder is a better woman than I am, I’ll admit it. I’ll admit it.
Tags: artwork, gender roles, step up your life, the feminine ideal, women
this
this is the thing I have needed today
thank you
Awesome
I would have been instantly shamed into buying Dove Products if their “Real Women” campaign had included Severely Well-Read Women and ferrets.
“Real ferrets have curves”.
“I don’t know what’s on your floor right now, but I’m willing to bet it isn’t a single crushed white rose.”
it’s not
it’s cereal crumbs
I am so ashamed
someone bring me a cone of shame
A dog doing his impression of an area rug is what I have on my floor.
I feel like dogs and cereal crumbs are mutually exclusive floor items. Both can be combined with crushed flowers tho.
The lip balm that the cats hid yesterday (I presume it’s on the floor somewhere), half a bag of crisps that I got bored of eating on Monday and have not yet gotten round to throwing out, and a cutout skull and crossbones.
Two border collies, so that’s pretty great.
that sounds like a good floor, also better than my floor
Well, that was at work. Now I’m at home, so the floor is mostly dirty clothes.
I have a border collie AND dirty clothes DO I WIN?
You have border collies at work? That is fantastic!
Yeah, but it’s way too small a space for them. Sadly, we’re trying to re-home them.
a Priceline beauty catalogue, a chocolate wrapper, a box of chocolates, yesterday’s underwear, my keys, my handbag and my boots.
Socks. Dust bunnies. Litter the rats heaved out of their cage. Yarn scraps. The boots I ordered from Zappos and need to return because they won’t zip over my majestic calves.
FAIL
My floor is mostly hay and rabbit fur. And a rabbit.
If there were a crushed rose on the floor at any point my rabbit would probably have eaten it. Rose petals are a tasty treat.
My floor has dried cat food crumbs, rock salt and fur
I will join you.
The fact that at least one of those MIGHT be Lucrezia Borgia and therefore the Woman (Subtype: Wicked) par excellence pleases me.
Hint: it’s the one with the unicorn
Nope, it’s the one with the thirty six perfect locks of hair and the five flowers. The one with the unicorn is a Raphael and is circa 1503-6, which largely postdates the Borgia papacy. It might be influenced by the Giulia Farnese portrait with a unicorn by someone else whose name escapes me but who definitely wasn’t Raphael. My brain wants to say Veneziano but I’m not 100% on that.
Change your username to The_Bus_Driver, cause you just took us all to school.
I thought it was the one with the unicorn DID TV LIE TO ME
IT DID, IT DID, if you’re thinking about the Borgias. Which, though delightful, was not a paragon of accuracy in all respects.
eta- the one you’re thinking of is the Giulia Farnese by Pinturucchio, with the unicorn, when La Bella Farnese gives Lucrezia the sea horse necklace.
I like Netflix’s Borgia better, personally. Possibly because it’s more violent, or maybe just because I find Lucrezia’s accent charming.
I’ve always thought of that painting as “Lucrezia of the ramen hair”
“Whatever is on your floor right now, I’m willing to bet it’s aggressively mediocre, just like your life.”
sobs in recognition, runs away
I have a floordrobe happening, and none of my floordrobe involes cunning hats or green velvet capes lined in fur. May I join you in running away?
Yes. Let us flee to the woods, perhaps.
I’ll bring the tartan blankets, you bring the noble stags for us to pose by.
I feel like this is definitely our most-reachable option.
Unicorn… Alas… Don’t forget the Unicorn.
Wait, I thought we were all taking to the sea…
floordrobe is the word I have needed; thank you.
FLOORDROBE.
I’m sorry, I cannot see that last painting without thinking of that Gilmore Girls episode where Rory has to portray it in the Festival of Living Colors and the freaking baby pager goes off in the middle of Lorelai as the Renoir girl. They are eternally linked. I saw the Renoir painting last year in France and spent the whole time trying to figure out why everyone was convinced Lorelai was the spitting image of her.
My thoughts exactly! I just stared at that last painting trying to see if Rory really looks like her.
There are like 300 people in town: there are probably only three pretty dark-haired women around.
ha, I knew I had seen that painting somewhere before! (yes, I may be more familiar with Gilmore Girls than with artistic masterpieces)
Yessssss
how can I be as cool as Portrait Of A Woman, do I have to wear entire animals as scarves because I’m pretty sure I could do that.
Proper selection of animal is important. My preliminary research suggests that the cat in whose house I reside is a poor candidate for a scarf.
The key is to have a very cold house: the cat will naturally settle on your neck/face to provide alluring warmth.
Among many other names I had for the Late Lamented Cat was “furry little neckpiece”, because of the way he draped himself around my neck and shoulders. I miss the imperious furball.
COOL STORIES ABOUT THAT WOMAN WITH THE TREE GROWING OUT OF HER BACK, BECAUSE I JUST LEARNED ABOUT HER IN ART HISTORY AND WAS VERY EXCITED TO SEE HER ON THE TOAST: she was a mega-rich prostitute in renaissance venice and therefore clearly HARDCORE. being a courtesan was one of the only ways that women could own their own property and wealth, and this woman was an INSANELY accomplished poet and the tree growing out of her back is a laurel branch, which is the symbol of a poet. she also is wearing a MAN’S COAT and only a man’s coat, which is hella scandalous and really fucking with gender roles. and she’s not like a generic beauty! she is a particular woman who doesn’t really fit in with the ideals of the times. SHE’S SERIOUSLY KILLIN IT AS PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN.
Oh! Is it Veronica Franco?
Yeah I’m almost sure it is! I couldn’t find anything in my notes directly mentioning that it was her, but we definitely talked about her and read one of her poems.
Time to go rewatch Dangerous Beauty for the 50th time.
Rufus at his peak.
Impossibly attractive.
And Catherine has probably made many, many women sit up and deeply question their sexuality.
YUP.
I don’t think it can be Franco, just because she was knocking around in the latter half of the 16th century, and that painting is by Giorgione, who I think died of plague in 1510. The symbolism of the painting still stands, we just don’t know who she is, sadly.
You are like the ur toast-commenter. This is perfect.
Thank you!! This is my first toast comment ever so I am very honored
The portrait is excellent too. I mean, the others are fine but hers has personality. This is a woman I would meet for a drink. Perhaps many drinks.
That’s awesome. My response to her portrait was, “huh, she kind of looks like me,” so this makes me feel even better about the universe’s choices of art doppelgängers for me.
Hello other doppelgangress! me too, only I’m a trifle less plump and do not have a laurel tree or that coat or one boob out (too cold).
Have you been to the Uffizi? It’s was like I’d been let loose in a wacky period costume photo booth 🙂
And her band leader uniform gives hope to marching band geeks everywhere.
So relieved I wore a floor-length scarf to work today. Hopefully this means no one will know I have never clutched a sad eyed unicorn to my breast, and am a failure.
Hold on, is that last woman wearing a leather gauntlet for her hunting-weasel? Is that what is happening there?
There is a small predator that lives in my house (it is a cat) and I occasionally want a leather gauntlet when dealing with it.
they are all perfect
we are truly fallen from grace
I’m startled how much I love the trailing fur-trimmed gown of the woman with the single crushed rose on her floor.
Oh my god, it’s gorgeous. And the way she’s pulling it back just ever so slightly? I will never be that saucy.
I keep scrolling up to look at it. It is so gorgeous.
I want that fabric.
That lavender, fur-trimmed dress makes me want to throw out all my clothes, including this garbage I’m wearing now.
Who will be databasing in the office nude? Me, that’s who.
The Table-Pivoting Maja.
But your life will be gloriously abundant, at any rate.
Ohhhhh, good to know! Although I really wanted it to be the one with the unicorn. Darn.
ETA – this was in response to Lizzie_Sidds
I am a font of deeply useless pedantry like this. I think the Raphael is just some woman, not a Big Name Historical Figure. Tis a lovely painting, though!
The second to last woman’s hair looks like ramen. Alas, my hair is more Jajangmyeon (a Korean dish I found when I googled “Black noodles” so).
I need to wrap myself in velvet and furs more often.
I feel like with global warming the diaphanous veils with single exposed breast is going to be more practical.
Unless you live in the midwest/east coast, haha, climate change is really doing a number there!
Maybe we can emulate Soviet Russia and reward women with fur coats when they do something we approve of. Not have three children, obviously, maybe just for doing a really solid job indexing/annotating?
I am SO FUCKING JEALOUS of all the women with their fur coats right now, that’s how bad this winter is, and how great fur is. Fuck PETA, fuck animals, I just want to be warm and fabulous.
Real Women must also wear ramen as weave, evidently.
Reading severely while sprawled across an authentic Scottish tartan (in the woods!) is everything I have ever wanted in my life. That picture is going on my wall to remind me that every moment spent in other activities (unless they be wandering said woods with my hounds and velvet draperies) is a complete and utter waste.
you are an inspiration
I am betting that the reason she looks severe is that she (and her props) are lying at a hella steep angle, and she’s trying to hold herself in position with her elbow.
That woman in the Helleu portrait is SO wearing the dog from Jacques Tati’s “Trafic”.
Like the two commenters above me, I am in awe of the fur-trimmed gown. I stared at that fur trim for way too long, trying to imagine what such finery would feel like on my peasant skin.
Who do I call about getting myself a boss shapeless silver gown? Shitloads of embroidery: NOT optional.
I might not be a Real Woman in this day and age, but now I know I have a fighting chance if I ever get to time travel. I excel at reading severely (just ask the last person who interrupted my book), and I could be persuaded to wear red fur if it were readily available.
Also, Ramen Hair girl looks like the original dirty hippy flower child.
Isn’t the “one breast exposed” thing a reference to mythological Amazon women? Or am I getting that confused with something else. I tried searching “Amazon woman breast exposed” and, you know, that didn’t get me the results I wanted.
It’s at times like this that I think Mallory should be in charge of a search engine, because then you would get what you were looking for, or at least be utterly delighted by what did come up.
“Ask Jeeves and Wooster”
You’d be able to put in the vaguest half-remembered search terms ever, and get an abundance of links answering your question, putting that answer in historical context, and providing you with interesting trivia tidbits to accompany it. The links would also be offered in Latin.
Upvoted for search-optimism.
That’s what “search optimisation” means, right?
The Hitler mustache in number 8 really complements the fur trim on her gown.
I think that is her nostril, flared in disgust at anyone crass enough to venture out without fur trim.
I think you are referring to her imperious nostril shadow
Maybe she just went a little heavy on the contouring that morning.
CANNOT BE UNSEEN
I choose to believe that the ferret in the last painting is alive (just… very flat and wide in the midsection) and the woman is wearing one glove to protect her perfect white hand from its ferret germs.
True story: I had a floor-length scarf in high school because my mom told me it was what the college kids were wearing.
I knitted one in the early 00’s. It was really skinny so each row took no time at all and I just…didn’t stop. I loved it. Come to think of it, that is probably what my life is lacking right now.
Is your mother perhaps a Historical Pinnacle of Womanhood?
Or Tom Baker?
True Fact (or, at least as far as I’ve heard): Dead ferret skins as in the last painting were fashion accessories not only because of their badassitude but because they helped to attract fleas away from one’s tender white skin. Some of them would be way more ornately decorated than the gold chain you can see in that example (we’re talking jewel-encrusted eyes, the whole nine yards). I’d personally rather have a live shoulder-ferret than a verminous, blinged-out dead animal as a proper lady’s accessory, but hey.
i have a tricked out zibellini that i wear with my renfaire garb. his name is “Moppet” and he is bedecked in jewels and gold. even has creepy little pearl eyes.
there’s much doubt that they were actually effective in attracting fleas but were, possibly, a way to exploit a loophole in sumptuary laws thereby allowing people to wear furs above their station. so, theoretically, that lady right there is using her ermine to say “fuck you!” to The Man.
ZIBELLINI! I knew there was a specific name for them. And the sumptuary law bit is amazing! Everyone needs a Fuck You Ferret.
Such a hilarious read.
Thank you for the afternoon pick-me-up!
xoxo Sookie
(http://www.sookiethechi.com)
New life goal: perfecting the underwhelmed stare of the woman in the Helleu painting. She is not impressed, she cares not for your tears, she thinks this sounds like a personal problem. She is hella magnificent and I want to be her.
Ooh, which one is the Helleu painting?
/uncultured, knows nothing about art history (..sorry)
Hee, I’m not either! It’s one of two where the artist is named in the caption, so I didn’t have to know. Third from the bottom.
Thanks! … oops, and it said so right in the text too.
Venetian Prostitute with Tree has the most gloriously unyielding stare I’ve ever seen.
I love her too. “Yes that’s my breast and it’s magnificent.”
Cape and hat – it’s SWINTON!
“You will wear a ruby the size of a bird, and clutch a baby unicorn with sad eyes to your breast. That is how you will know.”
My life is better now.
As I frequently nurse my active 2 1/2 year old, I have one breast exposed while Doing Stuff all the time, and so I almost thought I might measure up to these portraits…but then I thought about how I have never tamed a wild animal or draped my self in fur, and I read severely on the bare floor of my apartment, which lacks even the ghost of a crushed rose, and I was forced to admit that I am totally mediocre.
“Whatever is on your floor right now, I’m willing to bet it’s aggressively mediocre, just like your life.”
WRONG AGAIN, Mallory, everything on my floor sparks intense joy.
Mallory neglects even to mention the first woman’s levitation because today’s neglect of the once commonplace art is a blow to womankind too painful to discuss
I am currently knitting a floor-length MULTIPLE TIMES scarf. I WILL BE A SUITABLE LADY.
omg I would TOTALLY dress like the Witch Witch of Narnia ALL THE TIME if I didn’t get food all over anything white immediately.
The second portrait is of Lucrezia Borgia, isn’t it? I only know this because of The Borgias.
Can we talk about how breathtakingly lovely the fourth portrait is, and how much I want to know the story of that woman?
I’ve spent the last hour designing my outfit for my future Portrait of A Woman. I suggest y’all do the same.
http://www.dolldivine.com/game-of-thrones.php http://www.dolldivine.com/hobbit-and-lotr-dress-u…
Oops. I got sidetracked and made myself a hobbit outfit (with cravat!).
I liked this one too.
http://www.dolldivine.com/queenly-portrait-maker….
Haha so great, so white!
Ending the lurking for “a cunning hat”.
I actually have several crushed red roses on my floor right now and it’s totally not because I’m a slob and Valentine’s day was 2 weeks ago.
That severe reading face looks a lot like my horrifying laptop face when caught unawares. Just saying.
With all these paintings, we don’t see the other REAL WOMEN who serve these other REAL WOMEN.
Also, that Helleu portrait is definitely the preincarnation of Sally Draper, yes?
I’m glad this is satire.