Previously in this series: Gleeful mobs of women murdering men in Western art history.
how about this
is this good
yes
im just going to tonelessly stare into the middle distance for a while
but this is good though right
yes
when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right
THIS WOMAN APPEARS TO HAVE NO NIPPLES
HOW CAN YOU PARTY AT A TIME LIKE THIS
buddy why would you touch it like that though
like you’re trying to snip my areola clean off
the title of this painting is “Woman Selling Vegetables”
breasts are not a vegetable, friend
can you believe this shit
is that his –
yes
and he just –
leaves it there?
yeah
all the time?
all the time
it’s not that bad, honestly
he’s not like this all the time
sometimes he’s asleep
i get a lot of reading done then
no that’s
yes that’s just right
put your whole hand on my neck and then stare at something else that suddenly distracted you, that’s the ticket
that’ll get me going every time
HAVE ANY OF YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS EVER EVEN SEEN A BREAST BEFORE
yes
I know it’s impressive
now get your hand off it
[Images via]
Tags: artwork, mallory captions western art history, why would you touch it like that, women in western art history
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Ok no fair making me make such strangled, weird sounds while trying not to laugh at this at work.
ALT TAB ALT TAB FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ALT TAB
I’m in a phone meeting. Had to have a ‘coughing fit’.
In other Western Art History news: FAT CAT
PS – this post resonates with me in ways I’d rather not discuss, and is a goddamn delight all at the same time.
This is amazing, and is the perfect antitdote to the 50 Shades of Grey Teddy Bear (I heard about this on NPR today. Truth).
They advertised 50 Shades of Grey Teddy Bear on KCRW last night. You could hear the announcer hearing himself say “50 Shades of Gray Teddy bear, comes with accessories” as he was saying the words.
Thoughts about that bear, in order:
Wait, accessories? That sounds like a bad idea.
[follows link]
Oh, that’s terrible.
That’s just a seriously awful idea. It should not exist.
…Are those handcuffs the right scale? They look like they’re too small.
Important update: If you click on the link, you will get ads for the bear on The Toast. Consider yourselves warned.
(The ad has a black and white portrait of the bear and the words “Dominate Valentine’s Day,” so at least it’s kind of hilarious.)
LOL, that description is enough.
“Dominate Valentine’s Day”. I just chortled and startled the cat.
I saw that earlier, and was wondering why the mask has eyeholes.
Overheard at the only shop in Toy Town with frosted windows:
“Look, it’s that bear who was convinced the beanie baby cuffs would fit his bear girlfriend. I wonder what we can sell him this time?”
“Come on, that’s not nice. We agreed that we’d try to be an educational and welcoming establishment.”
“Have you seen his Valentine’s Day ad? Here, let me show it to you.”
“…so we have those defective blindfolds that we haven’t returned yet.”
“Grey-Bear, we have had WORDS about you incessantly spanking Paddington. Knock it off.”
For the discerning BDSM enthusiast/ Lone Ranger fetishist.
Ostensibly it’s all 50 Shades of Grey, but I think they’re also angling for that Eyes Wide Shut crowd
On the one hand, the handcuffs are very small. On the other hand, teddy bears are highly compressible…
Ohhhhhh nooooo that’s explicitly for Jian Ghomeshi and all men of his ilk D:
OMG MORE FAT CAT
This link is a beauty and a joy; I didn’t know there were so many Fat Cat paintings (photoshops? something).
I didn’t either! I was very pleased.
The Klimt one damn near killed me just now. http://fatcatart.com/2014/09/kiss/?lang=en
FAT CAT has an entire website!
http://fatcatart.ru/2015/01/museum-selfie/?lang=e…
The woman in the hat being groped by the monk is giving the best COME ON WTF BUDDY face ever.
Okay, I’m glad I’m not the only one who right “is…is that a monk?”
CHUCKLEFUCK.
Day’s goal: working “chucklefucks” into at least two conversations.
My dad uses its wimpier cousin, “chucklehead,” a lot on people who drive too slowly on the freeway.
I have an uncle who is a fan of “chucklehead.” Also calls his son-in-law “peckerwood,” though I don’t believe to his face.
Third from the bottom: I’m pretty sure he’s trying to get her to swallow a pill. Maybe wrap it in cheese first?
Anyway this reminded me of a site that had hilariously bad examples of medieval/renaissance artists trying and failing to depict women’s bodies, especially breasts. edit – I couldn’t find it, but I did find this somewhat related, very interesting brief article about Michelangelo’s depictions of women: https://renresearch.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/men-…
I think Foquet’s Virgin and Child is Peak Awkward Tits:
Oh Agnés Sorel. Where’s your hairline? Also, that baby COULD NOT be less interested in that boob.
Very high hairlines were considered fashionable in some renaissance times/places (women would pluck to get it fashionably high), so I assume that’s what they’re going for there. Also I don’t think that’s a baby; the baby’s with the wetnurse while Agnes cradles a sack of flour.
“QUICK, LEFTY. MAKE A RUN WHILE HE’S NOT LOOKING.”
There’s, like, an entire foot of flesh between her boobs. I hope to god the artist didn’t paint from a model because there is something medically very wrong with that woman.
That is strangely geometrical.
I love the fifth picture because at least in my mind the one lady is distracting all the dipshit men with her boobs while that other lady gleefully steals their coin purses.
Also, no inexpert groping is complete without Gabrielle d’Estrées and Her Sister:
(finally a use for my art history degree)
“Boop!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6NRA69SdoM
THEY’RE RIGHT WHERE THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN
You know what this reminds me of? Every promotional photo I’ve seen of Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, for that 50 Shades movie.
ZING.
only with more chemistry.
She found the nipple without looking, I don’t know if I’d call that “inexpert.”
They’re only showing the conclusion of the groping, not the fifteen tries it took to catch that little sucker.
I read somewhere (where? here?) that the nipple pinching is period iconography for “Yep, she’s pregnant.” How true this is, I have no idea.
*insert radio tuning sounds*
I’d truly like to know the thoughts of the studiously uninterested lady in the background.
The perfect companion piece to “Mobs of Women Murdering Men in Western Art History”.
The guy in #3 looks like some kind of monk or friar or something– he probably really *hasn’t* seen a breast before.
The first woman is gritting her teeth, it seems to me. Anyone else see that?
I though she looked a little like Amy Farrah Fowler with that expression.
Nice to see men have not known how to touch boobs since possibly forever
Like any skill, groping takes practice. A novice could simply ask a woman what she likes, but this would involve talking to women. Where is an artist supposed to find the time for that sort of research? The Duke wants that triptych for his personal chapel done by yesterday! Years of exposure to highly toxic pigments probably also enters into it. Where exactly are the female breasts located? Does anyone really keep track of these things? We can say with some certainty that they are usually located on the front torso area, though they tend to drift around a bit. Look, perspective is a new technology, how about cutting a little slack?
“Where exactly are the female breasts located?”
See also: female arms.
http://www.abcgallery.com/I/ingres/ingres38.JPG
Wow, if I had an arm just growing out of my stomach like that, I’d be a lot less pensive about it.
Well, the uterus wanders about the body causing hysteria, so why not about womanly parts?
There could be a whole “Two Monks” post on female breast placement alone.
I feel like the caption for half of these paintings could be “HONK HONK!”
http://www.kittykono.com/uploads/processed/1114/1…
You called?
Aughhh looking at these makes me so uncomfortable! HOW CAN YOU GRAB HER LIKE THAT??? this is in response to every single one!
They make me want to shriek “GET YOUR OWN!”
The dude in the “it’s not that bad, honestly” one looks a lot like my dad
*cringes*
*stares away into the middle distance*
My favorite:
it’s not that bad, honestly
he’s not like this all the time
sometimes he’s asleep
i get a lot of reading done then
ISN’T THAT THE TRUTH FOR SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS
<bangs head on existence>
<stubs toe on reality>
<trips over the ottoman of despair>
MY GOD ALL THE REPLIES IN THIS THREAD DESERVE TO BE GOLD-PLATED.
when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right
Oh dear god it’s a significant portion of my dating life *sigh*
ART MAJORS: Why are do these paintings exist? Was this a style?
There is a LOT more going on there with Athena and t Hephaestus than his groping her arm.
Truth! The Athenians believed (kinda) that Hephaustus got a little too excited while Athena was fighting him off while trying to protect her virginal state (no Greek myth is complete without a male god getting handsy) and so Hephaustus, uh… lost control. And so Athena, rightfully disgusted, wiped his secretions off of her dress and they landed on the Athenian Acropolis and lo! The first Athenian king sprang forth, half man and half snake (don’t ask: Athenians are weird). They even built a temple with Hephaustus and Athena together in a weird family type setting in the potters district staring directly at the Acropolis. I imagine she was so sick of the Athenian’s shit by the time the Romans came and took over.
no joke, the dialogue for the first piece is nearly the exact same dialogue that accompanied my own first groping experience. except instead of talking about staring into the middle distance, i just said, “well, i mean” and gestured towards my face, as if to say, “i am clearly not in the throes of ecstasy here, so, you figure it out.”
Ditto first guy I ever slept with. him: “Did you come?” me: “Are you kidding?” In retrospect that was not maybe the best thing to say but seriously, come on.
It’s really one of those “If you have to ask…” situations.
one guy i made out with as a teen was so convinced that p-in-v (or anything-in-v, for that matter) was so simple and foolproof in pleasing women, that he actually believed that using tampons was sexually pleasurable for women. like he was confused by how women use them when it’s like, “constantly getting action”—i definitely responded to that with disbelieving/derisive laughter.
Uggh I have experienced this too. It’s so stupid and phallocentric and good god it’s why we need sex education like nobody’s business.
Oh, wow. Did you ask him if grabbing his junk at the urinal meant he came every time he pissed?
i wish i had. sadly, 15 year old me was more likely to think (although i knew, objectively, that he was wrong and wildly misinformed) that maybe there was just something malfunctioning in me, instead.
Did anyone else see that “Avengers” episode where Emma has to infiltrate a modern-day Hellfire Club and dresses up in a spiky leather Queen of Sin outfit and all these supposedly really depraved men just…sort of nuzzle her breasts, the way guppies nuzzle up to food when you put it into the bowl? Some of these make me think of that:
“Is this how debauchery works?”
“Guess so, Lorenzo!”
I certainly did.
Her “60s Naughty Hellfire Club” look was *sickening* though.
http://www.blastr.com/sites/blastr/files/styles/b…
A certain director of superhero movies set in the 1960s should have been taking notes *cough*Emma Frost*cough*
*jaw drops*
That outfit was designed by Diana Rigg herself! It also got that episode banned from American TV. (Well, that and the whipping, probably).
I like that so many of the women are making eye contact with the viewer, as if to say “I know, right?”
Maybe the models were staring at the painter: “You are buying me a drink. A drink and a dress. A drink and a dress and twice market modeling rate.”
This brings up a whole further line of thought involving groping and awkwardness and holding those exact poses for hours?
I mean, would that be like a quick sketch awkward grope later used to build the full official oil painting awkward grope, or would there be a long drawn out “no, don’t move left, you’re leaning left again, move away from her, no not that far” etc etc thing going on?
the fifth one made me almost guffaw at my desk. all of these speak to me a little too well.
This gropee has the best expression on her face.
The one in #3 looks like a monk. Like this is literally the first time he’s ever seen a boob and he’s possibly having a religious experience.
Picture 2 is Monk 1 demonstrating his expert technique. Monk 2 is just out of frame, failing to comprehend, as usual.
Let’s take a moment to note that almost all of the groping is carefully done so as not to actually obscure the breast from the viewer. Because then only the man in the painting would get to enjoy it, and not the men outside the painting.
I assume this is what’s behind “scissor grope” and “grab the boob that isn’t hanging out of her dress.”
Right? Like, are they milking these women?
All of these paintings are every sexual experience I have ever had.
I think the first time I was groped went something like this:
*making out*
Boy: Can I touch your boobs?
Me: Idk man
*making out resumes*
Boy: But no really
Me: just don’t be weird
*hesitant boob touching*
Boy: WHOA
Me: um
what
what is this
The first time I was groped I only let him touch one boob, because I didn’t want him to think I was easy.
No really.
breasts are not a vegetable, friend
New favorite quote!
“Strive for five”…
Regarding the woman selling vegetables: in Spanish (at least Mexican Spanish) the word for practically any vegetable (or fruit) is used to mean “breast,” “penis,” “testicle” or “genitalia.” If you actually want a vegetable or fruit (or egg), it is safest to point!
I have an uncle who is a fan of "chucklehead." Also calls his son-in-law "peckerwood," though I don't believe to his face.
Number 7 (“It’s not that bad, honestly”) is a painting of my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, so I can personally guarantee his move worked at least twice.
Really? What’s their story?
The second-to-last one… that’s the Statue of Liberty, isn’t it?
breasts are not a vegetable, friend
Hey, speak for yourself.