Too Many Men

by Mallory Ortberg · March 16, 2015

I do a lot of complicated cracking wise about Western art here at the old Toast network, but this one is nice and simple: There are too many men. The title of each of these paintings is clearly “Too Many Men.” The problem is too many men. Enjoy your day.

too many men

oh my god
there are so many men here
this chair isn’t tall enough, i can still see all of them

too many men2

goddammit
i thought Kate said she was coming to this

too many men3

NO
But –
NO
I’M GOING SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE AREN’T SO MANY MEN

too many men4

Why won’t you look at me?
the floor is the only place where men aren’t
it’s the only safe place to look at
men-wise it’s safest

[Images via]

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69 Comments

      1. Rillquiet +117

        Didn’t even have to use a sword, just showed up with that hat game and his head fell right off his neck.

        1. Apollonia +48

          Even in death he’s giving her outfit an appreciative side -eye, like “Damn gurl, I may just be a disembodied head, but I can still appreciate a fine velvet coat”

  2. jekyllian +264

    “goddammit
    i thought Kate said she was coming to this”

    i have this feeling at social gatherings a lot

      1. Ethylbenzene +104

        Yeah, especially with the guy angrily playing the whatever, harp or lap dulcimer. LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A WHITE DUDE.

    2. catcet +34

      Then there’s figuring out exactly how long you have to stay before you can quietly slip out and pretend the whole thing never happened.

      1. Apollonia +23

        I call it doing a Lionel Hutz:
        “Oh…I believe I left some important files in my car. Back in a moment ”
        -Sound of tyres peeling or of driveway-

    3. femaelstrom +63

      my sister and i decided to go out for a semi-misandrist night of drinking Ommegang breweries’ “Valar Morghulis” beer and then the only people available to party with us were men

      none of the women showed up

      there were so many men

      (three men)

    3. Frumiosa +10

      EXACTLY my thought when I read this post! Oh Toast, thank you for uniting me with my people.

    5. mlitiagrl +3

      Oh man that was exactly my first thought (especially because I’m working on a group choreography for it….for a group made up of women….I have weird hobbies.)

  4. lesliejroot +61

    Ah yes, Viktor “Too many men in myth and history” Vasnetsov and Nikolai “Also too many men here and now, in 19th century Russia” Nevrev. Is it any surprise that this was the artistic tradition that later led to “The Merchant’s Wife,” aka the painting of a woman taking tea and eating a melon in glorious solitude?

    1. mrtafadhali +23

      I was like “I have to know the name of that first painting” and I Google image searched it and was like, “THE UNSMILING TSAREVNA. Now this is a painting!”

  5. vanadiumoxide +74

    Does anyone else have Too Many Cooks running through their head now, except with Men?

    5. aliaspiral +13

      No, but I DO have “Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor,” which is probably just as appropriate.

  6. typewriterandgramophone +35

    “I see you are fascinated by the flowers on the carpet, Miss Eyre.”

  7. Mephyle +10

    A Meeting of the School Trustees
    “A Meeting of the School Trustees” by Robert Harris British, National Gallery of Canada. Historical recreation here.

    1. winterbymorning +11

      Heritage Minutes! <3

      My fave will always be the Irish Orphans one, for the delightful ridiculousness of this potato-famished Irish child speaking fluent French (and not having much of an Irish accent, and bearing the not-particularly-Irish-either surname of Johnson).

      1. A. Galley +4

        It’s like, one of my mantras.

        “C’est quoi ton nom, ma fille?” *gruff gruff heart of gold gruff gruff*
        “Molly, Molly Johnson!” *indomitable grit moxie spitfire*

        Pops into my head at least once a month because I’m a crazy person.

  8. extrayarn +12

    Something about that third one is very Dowager Countess. Probably the purple and the stick.

  11. damanoid +104

    What the hell is even going on in #1? Why are they punishing her? Seven hundred men decided to form an Asshole Brigade and ambush this woman with an unsolicited circus. Look at that little turd playing the triangulele in the lower left, he is playing right at her ON PURPOSE, he is feeding on her hate.

    3. Orla +79

      She said to one man, “Leave, for I do not like you”.
      Then all the others arrived to mansplain (and sing) at her about how she should like him, and should like them all, every one.
      Her face is the face of every woman who has reached the nadir of mansplaining.
      She’s chanting, “Shut up, SHUT UP, shut up” in her brain, but even that is staring to sound like Wonderwall…

    5. Sunshine +12

      I thought that either she has a position of some standing, and they’re all trying to show off their talents to win her hand in marriage.

      Or, something like “The princess has fallen into a gloom that will not shift! Summon every joker, entertainer and merry-maker in the kingdom! A duchy to the man that makes her laugh!”

      1. damanoid +41

        And that duchy remains unclaimed, even to this day.

        A recent archaeological survey of the area uncovered a large number of unmarked graves. Forensic analysis of skeletal remains revealed that they were all male, and had apparently been bludgeoned to death. Many graves also contained remnants of stringed instruments and stupid hats.

        2. Sunshine +9

          I was going to put in an ending where they were all dismissed for failing, and later the King was overjoyed to hear her laugh from through the door, discovering that she was in conversation with the maid cleaning up after the crowd. All she needed was someone to talk with her, and not at her.

          But I’m glad I didn’t, I like your ending better.

    6. Sophia McDougall +9

      Apparently she is The Princess Who Never Smiled and they are one big roomfull of men who can’t tolerate a woman not smiling on demand. (Also will get to marry her if she smiles — I wonder why it’s not working?!)

    1. Dawn +6

      Just one – he stands in place, holding the light bulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him

  13. Social +10

    This is me, today. There are too many men talking in my vicinity at this very moment.

  14. anotherkate_sf +25

    Oh shit, was that picnic today? Alas, I am missing out on all that wonderful arm-flailing accompanied by a lap harp.

  15. beakbreath +12

    Oh no, that last woman just needs to look behind her. The spinny office chair is going to revolutionize her life.

  16. KatPruska +19

    My brother just moved in with MrKat and I temporarily. There are now Too Many Men in my house. I feel exactly like the lady with the hat and the walking stick, just about to storm out.

  17. maralenenok +1

    There aren’t any women in the second one, so I think it wins the too many men award. It’s a bad award.

  21. Q_Continuum +3

    Is there a small Richard III peeping from the background of the first painting? Right above the arc of cylinder hats?

    1. x934z +3

      I know this thread is months old but yes, I wondered what he was dong there too. He looks embarrassed at being stuck there, probably also wondering how the hell he got there.

  22. damanoid +19

    #3 masterfully depicts the half-second interval between “oh my god did you just put your fucking hand on my hand” and “umbrella to face.”

    1. Loony_Lovegood

      Yessssss. I was also thinking that she was just about to totally bean him with that thing. xD

  25. alianora

    No, but I DO have "Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor," which is probably just as appropriate.

  26. vibrissimo

    I know this thread is months old but yes, I wondered what he was dong there too. He looks embarrassed at being stuck there, probably also wondering how the hell he got there.