A pearl-colored bear emerges from the woods and tells you its true name.
Some, though not all, of the wounds of Jesus have appeared upon your forearms.
All clocks read midnight and emit a high-pitched scream when you enter a room.
Your mother cannot see you. She can see your shadow; she can see the physical effects of your actions, as when you pick up a pencil or open a door, but you appear as nothing more than a faint and flickering outline to her.
All comets reverse direction.
In every history textbook, the paintings of all six wives of Henry VIII have been replaced by your eighth-grade yearbook picture. In every one of them, you are screaming.
Every single one of your ex-lovers finds themselves unable to properly cook eggs for twenty-four hours. The yolk breaks every time.
Emails cannot reach you.
The stubs of your vestigial wings will become faintly visible.
Candles will burn instantly down to the wick when you light them.
Wherever you lie down, an outline of pure salt will appear, and for generations after anyone who places themselves in the salt-tracing of your form will be cured of all manner of ailments.
It is physically impossible for you to be baptized. You can swim, but your head will not be submerged.
You will suddenly and with complete certainty be aware of exactly what you want to watch on Netflix right now. You will experience no doubt or regret about your decision.
Businessmen will be unable to cross your path – they will flee back to their offices and salad-bowl-assembly-line lunch meetings rather than walk across your footsteps.
Neither can you be guillotined. It is impossible for the integrity of your head to be compromised in any way during a menstrual cycle.
You will gain the added strength of one-and-one-half of your ancestors.
Medicine, criticism and bullets will have no effect on you.
Everything you touch will turn to kefir.
Tags: advice, how bodies work, menstruation
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Man I WISH emails could not reach me when I was menstruating.
You will suddenly and with complete certainty be aware of exactly what you want to watch on Netflix right now. You will experience no doubt or regret about your decision.
Seems like whenever this happens, Netflix has just removed the program in question.
addendum: if you are, hypothetically, using a not-entirely-legal VPN to stream movies and shows unavailable in your region, Netflix will be unable to tell.
Is there a word for when you know EXACTLY what you want to watch, and it is not available for streaming on any platform? Because that happens to me a lot.
Yes I would also like to know if there is a word for this.
Netfucked? Fuckflixed? Something like that. Someone more clever than me take a stab at this. There should be a word.
you’re just really in a Netfix
i would deal with the screaming clocks if it meant businessmen would get out of my way.
Every single one of your ex-lovers finds themselves unable to properly cook eggs for twenty-four hours. The yolk breaks every time.
Shit better get my Mirena removed, I need to spite my egg-loving ex.
I was thinking THE EXACT SAME THING.
You will suddenly and with complete certainty be aware of exactly what you want to watch on Netflix right now. You will experience no doubt or regret about your decision.
If this is true I would gladly be on my period at all times.
I think I would rather watch lots of bad TV/movies! 😉
This is not a big deal for me because the answer is always 30 Rock. Sometimes I’ll just spacily type netflix into the bar and look up a few minutes later irritated that it isn’t playing 30 Rock.
I think I have watched through all of 30 Rock at least three times in the last year. Maybe more. It is my comfort food and my inspiration and occasionally the only way I can fall asleep at 3 AM.
It is true. I am currently experiencing lady time, and I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch Miss Fisher’s Mysteries while eating tomato soup. It is so strong a feeling it is very nearly a need.
Miss Fisher is my go to when I need some escape from the patriarchy or when I’m having a no good, very bad day.
A lot of these also sound like ways to prove whether or not you are a witch. Coincidence???
I think not.
All women are powerful witches during their menses. Didn’t they tell you at the initiation?
I totally missed that part of orientation and so many things make sense now
They skipped that part in sex ed. I went to a parochial school.
so by sex ed, I mean the “DON’T EVER DO IT” class
Similar to businessmen getting out of your way/fleeing your presence, no one will be able to cross the threshold of your office without your express permission/consent. The sheer power of menstruation will keep them at bay, surrounding your white cube of serenity with an estrogen-fueled force-field.
This all sounds pretty good, actually.
Every holiday, special occasion, or formal life event occurs at once for the duration of your menstrual cycle.
Your LiveJournal mood theme reads simply “thrivey.”
Is that the same as menstruating for every holiday, special occasion, or formal life event? Because that’s more inconvenient than anything.
Without fail, my period has always come on any and all “special days”
Yes. If I’m going on vacation, I will be sure to be menstruating. If my period has to come late or early to coincide with my vacation, it will every time.
Mine too – one of the main reasons I went on the pill!
I’m simultaneously sorry and relieved to know it’s not just my cycle that plays that game.
WOOOOO in the 11 years I have been menstruating I don’t think my uterus has missed ANY of those times for the ol’ tantrum; it’s damned reliable that way
I never thought I’d say this, but damn, I can’t wait until the next time I get my period.
Me too. I think I’ll frolic around a business district, making businessmen change their course and reveling in the knowledge that the integrity of my head cannot be compromised in any way.
Is the reason that my husband can never decide what he wants to watch on Netflix that he doesn’t menstruate? Because, I mean, that dude can scroll for what seems like hours. It’s like we sit down to watch something and I end up watching him scroll. It’s so horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I’ve stopped doing it.
Also, I’m now majorly intrigued about gaining the strength of one and a half times an ancestor. Mostly, I’m debating whether, baseline, I’d be stronger than any of those ladies. Me being stronger: I have modern medicine on my side and am generally speaking larger. Them being stronger: Large vats of laundry being stirred over open flames and general hardiness from living and working on a farm. Plus walking everywhere. Cannot figure this out!
Same. I’ve agreed to watch so many terrible sci fi movies just to get him to stop browsing. “Yes, that movie about a giant crocodile from outer space looks fantastic, let’s watch it RIGHT NOW.”
Relatedly: Netflix Introduces New Browse Endlessly Plan
Do I get to choose which ancestors?
Absolutely, you do. I choose one great grandmother, whom I met as an infant, I’m told. I’m also told she was strong as an ox, working as a hospital nurse when that meant mostly heavy labor, lifting patients, including large whiny men. I’m told she took no shit from said large whiny men and just hefted them out of the way before changing their bed linens. I am so proud that everyone thinks I look a lot like her. I can only hope to have a portion of her strength.
Um… I actually end up doing this too. There are so many options to choose from that sometimes I just can’t decide.
I’m watching alone, though. If someone else were there, I would just pick something, anything, so as not to prolong the agony.
My 1.5 ancestors would win every time. The most laundry I ever carry is like, one slightly damp basket of it, twice a week. TOPS. My ancestors weep at my feebleness.
every time your pour yourself a glass of water, the water turns a lovely shade of blue.
A timely post I must say.
Wait. Wait. WAIT. So what you’re telling me is that my ability to shrivel men’s testicles with a single glance is NOT related to the onset of menstruation? I always assumed that was the MAIN BENEFIT. I’m having my uterus removed immediately. (Truth be told, poor thing has a terrible sense of smell, and it only fires lightning bolts at the unworthy when I have had, like, a LOT of the blood of male virgins. It’s almost as though it’s just a regular internal organ, like my pancreas or my retractable claws).
Relatedly, has anyone else had problems with their retractable claws itching like a motherfucker?
Lots, lately. I think it’s all the dry indoor air this winter.
I find that cocoa butter relieves most of my retractable claw itching.
Yes this is a very good post.
I’ve always been so bad at being a girl – the only thing that happens when I menstruate is a tiny wax poppet appearing every time I sneeze.
Do these wax poppets have the countenance of your enemies, so that you may use them as voodoo dolls to exact secret vengeance?
No…just Teletubbies 🙁
Also, I have to say “men-stroooo-ation” when I sneeze and I can’t stop myself.
Not actually all that far from some of Pliny’s claims, as it happens.
When you walk across a field with your belt loosened, caterpillars die left and right!
Very handy! Saves money on pesticides and avoids the need for Bt corn all in one.
I had a grad school buddy who was writing her dissertation on Roman agricultural magic. She had THE BEST stories.
Shit My Students Say was right!
Mallory. You weren’t supposed to tell all of this. Every man who reads this will die at midnight.
And be transformed into a bear.
Oh? Well, that definitely takes the pressure off.
Before or after dying? Will it be a zombie bear, if it’s after death?
Also, to paraphrase the great Cameron Esposito, chunks of your body are being expelled from your body by your body.
All I’ve ever been able to do is crave salt and prevent tomatoes from being properly canned. Another failure as a womben
“womben”
My mom still tells the story about the one time she tried to can tomatoes but had to quit early because she went into labor with me.
Canning tomatoes has powerful interactions with the ladybusiness, apparently.
Deeply, deeply true.
Businessmen will be unable to cross your path – they will flee back to their offices and salad-bowl-assembly-line lunch meetings rather than walk across your footsteps.
YES PLEASE.
All I can say is, I love you and this.
Bill Murray appears and asks you: “Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?”.
Back off, man. I’m a scientist.
gosh this explains a lot about the last week
not receiving emails is a Problem though, I am TRYING to find a new home in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT COUNTRY I just need to get all my EMAILS
True story: I grew up in a Christian tradition that emphasizes baptism by full immersion. Anyway, when I was at bible camp in rural Colorado as a teenager I was baptized in a shallow river, kind of a spur of the moment thing. HOWEVER, I ended up having to get baptized twice because my foot kept popping out of the water and my people are strict about that sort of thing. WORTH NOTING: MY PERIOD STARTED MID-BAPTISM.
MALLORY, YOU HAVE SOLVED THE MYSTERY.
(Related: is a period baptism a witch baptism? Because I feel like this is some Malleus Maleficarum stuff.)
I was googling around and couldn’t find an answer to your question, but these were pretty amusing: http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Baptized-on-Your-Perio… http://bycommonconsent.com/2012/02/10/unclean-unc…
OK the Netflix thing literally happened to me this weekend, as my menses (lol ew) was beginning, YOU WITCH.
(It was Only Lovers Left Alive, in case you’re wondering.)
Shit! That’s on Netflix now!? I’ve been dying to see that! Thank you!
Please, thank my uterus.
Goddamn hysterectomy. I mean, on the plus side, I no longer bled every day for months on end. But that year of reversed comets and perms-midnight was a ton of fun.
Perfect timing for me to bleed with the full moon.
The full moon is bleeding, too?!?!
All signs point to yes.
All signs plus the bag of Caramel Apple Pops that I just completely demolished. Goodbye teeth.
What witchcraft is this?! As soon as i finished reading this my mailbox crashed and I started bleeding 5 days before time.
Wait, what is that? What is that i taste? Why has the air suddenly turned salty?
The eldritch blood moon has waned. Give yourself to the sea ‘ere you pass another day. You will be made whole.
Fair trade.
As a guy, I’m not sure if I envy women’s ability to bear children or not, but I definitely envy anyone who can make decisive choices about their Netflix queue.
this is unbelievably good. the henry VIII comment is on POINT.
The eldritch blood moon has waned. Give yourself to the sea 'ere you pass another day. You will be made whole.