Motown’s Law: For Every Occasion There is an Equal and Corresponding Motown Song

by Amy Collier · March 19, 2015

Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

You’re holding someone for ransom
Money (That’s What I Want)

You just broke up with someone
most

of

them

You just watched a clown die
Tears of a Clown

Your friend Keith Love is late
You Can’t Hurry Love

Someone just mentioned how they were feeling and you’re like Oh yeah, I’m on board with that
I Second That Emotion

It’s really hot out
Heat Wave

But you don’t want it to be
I Wish It Would Rain

Your friend Keith Love is tall and right in front of you
Standing in the Shadows of Love

Anytime any guy says something
He Was Really Saying Something

You’re just doing your job running your bar in Casablanca and minding your own business illegally working out deals to get people letters of transit when your friend Sam starts playing that fucking Herman Hupfeld song again and of course all you can think about is Her and also how you need to make it clear to Sam that if he plays that song one more time you’ll throw the piano out of an airplane just to see it explode into wood chips, and there will be no replacement piano
It’s the Same Old Song

Your friend Keith Love is making you watch his segway while he runs inside the store
Love (Makes Me Do Foolish Things)

You’re in the audience at a symphony orchestra concert
I Hear a Symphony

You can’t seem to undo the Chinese finger trap you’re trying to demonstrate to your niece
You Really Got A Hold On Me

Your friend Keith Love comes over just as another friend of yours leaves
Love is Here and Now You’re Gone

You’re a diatomic molecule
It Takes Two

You want to tell your girlfriend that you’re seriously considering carpentry as a profession
If I Were a Carpenter

Your friend Keith Love is totally high
Stoned Love

You just got your wisdom teeth removed and then a car ran you over right after your wife revealed that you may not be your son’s biological father
Every Little Bit Hurts

You’re an android and you’re feeling down about your place in the universe and what it all means
Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing

Your friend Keith Love is reaaaaalllllly hungover and can’t hang out today
Love Hangover

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20 Comments

  3. robot_dinosaur +55

    I was already excited about this and then there was a giant joke about Casablanca in the middle of it and I am in Keith Love with this post

  4. theharpoon +10

    Irma Thomas edition:

    You live under the rule of a monarchy.
    Ruler of My Heart

    It’s raining outside and also you’re sad. Alternately, you might be in Seattle.
    It’s Raining

    You are more patient than everyone else and have a good retirement savings plan.
    Time is on My Side

  7. kat +35

    I now want a “How to Tell If You’re Friends With Keith Love” post, or any form of Keith Love fanfiction

  10. Kickpuncher +19

    You want to go to outer space but also you’re terrified of flying.
    Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

  12. Kickpuncher +26

    You are Keith Love’s parents, and have become separated from him while on a family excursion in a crowded area, perhaps an amusement park or a zoo.
    Where Did Our Love Go?

  18. Guest

    How could you waste such a golden opportunity to SECOND THAT EMOTION???? I'm v. disappointed in you 🙁

  19. Managed IT Services +1

    was already excited about this and then there was a giant joke about Casablanca in the middle of it and I am in Keith Love with this post

  20. hussified +1

    I just saw this thanks to the Bossy Dames newsletter, and I really want to meet this Keith Love person.