Here Are Some Paintings Of A Woman Riding Aristotle Like A Pony

by Mallory Ortberg · April 29, 2015

You’re undoubtedly considered by your friends and wishers-of-well to be a reasonably smart person. Most likely you consider yourself fairly well-read. Even an educated person.

And yet it is possible – even probable – that you were not aware, before this moment, that one of the most popular legends and artistic motifs of the Northern Renaissance was the tale of a woman named Phyllis who once rode the Greek philosopher Aristotle like a pony.

But she did. She rode him. Like a pony.

It is likely as true as any other legend that has been passed down to us about Aristotle and Alexander the Great, so I have decided to give it the same credence I give the others.

Don’t believe me? “Surely I would have learned about this in my many Greek lessons as I pu’ed the gowans fine, Mallory. No one would have kept this from me.” I GIVE YOU THE LAY OF ARISTOTLE AND PHYLLIS:

Once upon a time, Aristotle taught Alexander that he should restrain himself from frequently approaching his wife, who was very beautiful, lest he should impede his spirit from seeking the general good. Alexander acquiesed to him. The queen, when she perceived this and was upset, began to draw Aristotle to love her. Many times she crossed paths with him alone, with bare feet and disheveled hair, so that she might entice him.

At last, being enticed, he began to solicit her carnally. She says,

“This I will certainly not do, unless I see a sign of love, lest you be testing me. Therefore, come to my chamber crawling on hand and foot, in order to carry me like a horse. Then I’ll know that you aren’t deluding me.”

When he had consented to that condition, she secretly told the matter to Alexander, who lying in wait apprehended him carrying the queen. When Alexander wished to kill Aristotle, in order to excuse himself, Aristotle says,

“If thus it happened to me, an old man most wise, that I was deceived by a woman, you can see that I taught you well, that it could happen to you, a young man.”

We could talk about the “Power of Women” motif popular at the time, which had more to do with reinforcing gender norms than with riding men like ponies, but let’s not!

Here is Phyllis, wearing a beautiful feathered hat, riding one of the most significant philosophers in Western history like a wee little pony at the greatest birthday party in the world.

phyllis5

Here is Phyllis with a whip, riding Aristotle as if he were a beautiful baby horse.

phyllis1

I’ve tried to hold off on “Pony” lyrics for as long as I can, but:

I’M JUST A BACHELOR
LOOKING FOR A PARTNER
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO RIDE
WITHOUT EVEN FALLING OFF

IF YOU’RE HORNY
LET’S DO IT
RIDE IT
MY PONY
ARISTOTLE’S WAITING
COME AND JUMP ON IT

phyllis3

HEY ARISTOTLE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS THE EFFICIENT CAUSE OF THIS NAKED LADY RIDING ON YOU LIKE A PONY 

phyllis4

ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES, SO MUCH FOR THAT ACTIVE, ENSOULING MASCULINE ELEMENT HUH BUDDY

phyllis2

YOU RIDE PLATO’S MOST FAMOUS STUDENT, PHYLLIS
RIDE HIM LIKE HE RODE ON PLATO’S REPUTATION ALL THE WAY TO THESSALONIKI

phyllis7

REMEMBER HOW ARISTOTLE WAS PRETTY MUCH RESPONSIBLE FOR WESTERN PHILOSOPHY, WELL GUESS WHAT, A LADY RODE ON HIS BACK LIKE HE WAS A PRETTY MARE NAMED MISTY OF CHINCOTEAGUE

phyllis8

Anyhow, that’s all I know about philosophy.

[Images via]

Tags: , , , ,

Related Posts

Mallory Ortberg

Mallory Ortberg

More from Mallory Ortberg →

84 Comments

  2. literarysara +209

    YOU RIDE PLATO’S MOST FAMOUS STUDENT, PHYLLIS
    RIDE HIM LIKE HE RODE ON PLATO’S REPUTATION ALL THE WAY TO THESSALONIKI

    Daaaaaang

    I am always here for your sick burns on classical philosophers

    1. mbculver +15

      There is also a 3D version of this scene as a freaking hand-washer (aquamanile) from 15th-century Netherlands. You can see it at the Met, and it is awesome.

  3. ppyajunebug +153

    My only regret is that the Renaissance painters only drew her riding him side-saddle. You KNOW a woman that fierce rode astride like a true Amazon.

      1. manuscriptgeek +148

        YOUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE

        OF WHICH THIS CASTLE IS MERELY THE SHADOW

    2. deleted182847 +19

      Dammit, there are several people right next to me watching a Google “hangout” on library card policies and I really shouldn’t be noticeably laughing.

      That said this series clearly needs to be reissued and retitled as “Pony Crazed Phyllis”

      1. deleted182847 +10

        Also, pandering juvenile fiction is similar to romance sub-genres. Whenever I think “here we are, ne plus ultra” I’m almost immediately proved wrong. So I’m sure there’s a pony-crazed princess who’s also a fairy.

  5. littlehuntingcreek +93

    I dropped my Philosophy class because it seemed like an entire semester of mansplaining, therefore I did not know of this delightful example of male humiliation/misogyny.
    After reading this I think I’m good.

    1. Perdita McLeod +26

      For some reason I bet this wasn’t covered in the Philosophy class anyway. For some reason.

      1. sorrycassandra +23

        Nor was it part of my classics curriculum in grad or undergrad. Clearly they do not want us to know The Truth about Aristotle.

  6. Es_Petal +20

    I am on a phone meeting. Never have I been so glad of the ‘secrecy’ feature on my phone as I howl with laughter.

  7. Susi +34

    This is the best thing I’ve seen in my LIFE. Also, it reminded me of one of the more useless mnemonics we learned in school: SPAA (Socrates taught Plato taught Aristotle taught Alexander). That piece of knowledge is probably taking up the part of my brain that should be concerned with taxes or geometry.

    1. winterbymorning +80

      The best mnemonic I learned in school was SPERM, which our English teacher/debate club leader used to help us memorize the types of arguments we could make in a debate: Social, Political, Economical, Religious or Moral.

      I went to an all-girls Catholic high school run by nuns, so this tiny woman repeatedly saying “Remember SPERM, girls!” “If you get stuck, think of SPERM!” was… unexpected.

      1. MilesofMountain +12

        I had a high school teacher teach us the mnemonic for the taxonomic levels Kinky People Can Often Find Good Sex (Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genus Species), which, yeah, I remember it 15 years later, but still maybe wasn’t 100% appropriate

        1. cleoreads +8

          I learned the more G rated King Philip Came Over For Ginger Snaps, which makes no sense, but I still remember some 30 years later.

          1. elsajeni +4

            We learned Kings Play Chess; Other Families Go Swimming, which a) makes no sense and b) has a word in the mnemonic that’s the same as the word it’s supposed to be helping you remember, which seems like cheating somehow.

    2. NIsh +13

      I heartily disagree. No part of one’s brain should be concerned with taxes or geometry.

      1. Thujaplicata +7

        Oh god I loved those books so much as a kid. I wonder if they’re safe to re-read as an adult.

  10. Christin +5

    Who in the world is Phyllis? Philip had a wives named Phila and Philinna (who I’m willing to bet Alexander would have haaaated, he made Norman Bates look restrained and well-mannered), is that where it comes from?

    1. Mrs_Peel +5

      Mine, too. (This the most important thing I never learned in school, and I am OUTRAGED).

  13. Mephyle +10

    Never heard of Phyllis, but Misty of Chincoteague! This is the best of all possible worlds: expands my classical knowledge and makes an inside reference to my childhood reading.

  14. sausagedog +11

    After the “Amazons” thing a couple days ago, I was wondering when we were going to get to the “Power of Women” motif! Lovely.

    1. deleted182847 +11

      Which makes me want to watch her philosopher-pony joust against Carol Channing.

      Who would Carol’s pony be?

  18. decembrian +86

    I simply can’t think of a male philosopher whose disposition and writing wouldn’t be greatly improved after being ridden like a pony.

  19. Fazakerly +88

    “She crossed paths with him alone, with bare feet and disheveled hair”. Good ideas for my next OKC date

  20. miprisci +96

    Why the fuck did I even go to college if they didn’t teach me important stuff like this? What was the point?

  21. Protagoras +51

    The Aristotle story is, of course, questionable (though one wants it to be true), but there is an absolutely genuine photograph of Nietzsche (and Paul Ree) pulling a horse cart, with Lou Salome in the cart holding a whip. Scholars believe the photograph was Nietzsche’s idea.

    2. LeastBittern +17

      Here is my resume, see that I am pretending to be a pony? A+++++ philosophizing, I would like that PhD on vellum plz.

  22. GoatseFanfic +136

    Everything about this is great but I gotta say actually pulling off a line like this

    If thus it happened to me, an old man most wise, that I was deceived by a woman, you can see that I taught you well, that it could happen to you, a young man.
    while in flagrante ponyplay with your buddy’s wife, in a way that doesn’t get you double murdered, is some pretty incredible thinking on your feet. hands and knees. whatever.

    1. deleted182847 +31

      “I got your back, bro. Didn’t want you to, you know, risk it. Aren’t you glad I checked?”

      He’s either Maester Pycelle or Samwise Gamgee.

    3. Erl +41

      Reply to +1, but also to note that the buddy in question is Alexander the Great-At-Killing-People.

  23. Unreadaethel +17

    I’m really confused by Aristotle’s personal geometry in that first picture. His torso seems to have separated itself from his legs and moved several inches to starboard.

    2. bocadelperro +15

      That’s Cranach for you. Amazing use of color, no understanding of anatomy, and all the women look exactly the same. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  24. Linette +19

    … The way I imagined riding Ginuwine’s pony is forever and irrevocably altered.

    1. bocadelperro +1

      In my world, that’s a song about a Ford Mustang. It makes things so much more amusing.

  25. damanoid +51

    This reminds me of that one time Queen Victoria made Darwin dress up like a barnacle.

      1. damanoid +80

        Yeah, one time Queen Victoria was like: “Professor Darwin, we have heard that you are preparing a new theory of natural philosophy,” and he was like, “Alas no, your Majesty, that work is not complete, for I am distracted by my analysis of the Barnacles, I believe it will be my magnum opus.” The Queen goes: “Barnacles? You intrigue us, Professor. Pray tell us more.”

        Long story short, Darwin sends for his barnacle suit. This was entirely in keeping with the educational traditions of the Victorians, who were hugely into pantomime, mechanical theater, etc. It was not at all unusual for scholars to illustrate their lectures with elaborate puppetry, magic lantern phantasmagoria, etc. However, by all accounts Darwin’s barnacle suit was a creation of unusual magnificence.

        “Ahh, I feel quite sessile, my adhesive carapace is quite secure,” Darwin’s voice was muffled by the costume’s unwieldy bulk. “I shall now extend my cirripedia and filter for food particles.” His hands emerged from the carapace and flailed around. “If only Mother Ocean would share her bounty!” The Queen laughed delightedly and tossed small treats in his direction, which were snatched up eagerly.

        “Delicious!” The Professor cried. “But now I feel a new biological urge upon me. As a male Barnacle, my organ of reproduction is proportionately the largest of any known organism.” There was a creaking sound as a hidden operculum suddenly opened. “As this structure emerges, observe closely–”

        “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” bellowed Prince Albert, who had entered unexpectedly. Darwin and the Queen froze in alarm. Albert was shocked into silence as he took in the scene fully. “Damn! I mean… Damn,” he said admiringly. “That’s jolly impressive. I’ve got to get me one of those,” he added, meaning the barnacle costume.

        Thus Darwin earned knighthood in the Secret Order of the Sex Machine, and Victoria and Albert’s sex life became even spicier. Albert’s barnacle costume, needless to say, was the most lavish and erotically stimulating ever seen. And that is why even today people continue to request Prince Albert in a can.

  26. bighairnoheart +10

    Another for the list of ‘Things I Just Assumed Everyone Knew Because Seriously’

  27. nicole_44 +93

    My favorite part is that she’s bridled him in most of these pictures. “Shh, Aristotle. I require not your words, only your body. To ride like a pony.”

  28. deleted182847 +36

    “At last, being enticed, I shall begin to solicit you carnally.”

    Gotta remember to use that, it’ll definitely heat things up AND show approval for her enticement efforts. Everyone likes feedback.

    2. deleted182847 +14

      “How’s my enticement going?”

      “Good! Good! Solid enticement. I’d say I’m enticed now. So, uh, I think we’ll–”

      “Wait….I think I’ve gotta sit on your back.”

      “………….”

      “….Yeah….yeah, that’s it, I think I need to sit on your back to really, you know, iron this out.”

      “……..Really kind of out of left field with–”

      “Just once around the room. Maybe twice. I’ll sit down and you can just walk around the room.”

      “And that’s gonna certify…….?”

      “Call it a reflex, I just know this is what’s really gonna tee us up. Can’t explain it, but I always trust my gut.”

      “Well, I’m glad we didn’t eat yet.”

  29. Socordya +17

    <When he had consented to that condition, she secretly told the matter to Alexander, who lying in wait apprehended him carrying the queen. When Alexander wished to kill Aristotle, in order to excuse himself, Aristotle says,

    “If thus it happened to me, an old man most wise, that I was deceived by a woman, you can see that I taught you well, that it could happen to you, a young man.”>

    “Yeah I totally meant for this to happen in order to teach you a lesson I swear!”

  31. Alice is hopeless +16

    Phyliss does “alone, with bare feet and disheveled hair” and she’s seductive enough for Aristotle but I do that and I just scare children (and adults let’s be honest)

  32. spillionaire +16

    My very Southern Gothic AP World History teacher spent half of a class gleefully telling us the scurrilous story of Catherine the Great and her own pony encounter (“and then they raised and LOWAHED the ANIMAL via PULLEYS and ROPES to ENTAH the Empress OVAH and OVAH”) but spoke not one word about this.

    MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR MAKING HISTORY COME ALIVE.

  34. eleventysix +30

    the one where she’s using his outlandishly large beard as reins, though. is there anything more “done in by his overblown sense of his own masculinity” than that?

  36. Liz Rosema +7

    I read so much Aristotle that my eyes popped out ( at a Great Books College – we went painstakingly slowly through the Categories, Physics, Ethics and so on an so forth with copious amounts of syllogising) and I never heard this story. I feel ill treated.

  38. the_other_Kate

    This made my entire week. Does anyone know Kate Beaton personally? It deserves to be immortalized in illustrated form and to go viral on the interwebs. With full credit to damanoid of course.

  39. captainbartlet +12

    When I first saw this article, I did not think that you actually meant a real actual pony as in a small horse; I thought that we were going to talk about interesting Renaissance depictions of Ancient Greece sex moves, never having heard of Phyllis before, and despite my initial disappointment, I must concede that the puns about philosophy are 1000 times better than sex ever has been or will be. I am sorry that I doubted you, Mallory. Please reign over Western Art History forever.