We Have Got To Talk About How Messed Up Turtle Penises Are

by Mallory Ortberg · May 19, 2015

Look, we can’t just…not talk about it. That’s the coward’s way out. If you hadn’t seen a turtle’s penis, which you might well not have, I bet you would think it was sort of average looking, and scalish, and nondescript. And, you know, God in heaven, I wish you’d be right. But you aren’t. And you have to know this. And you have to see this, and we have to talk about it. Because I had to see it once, and I don’t know how to go through this alone.

Anyhow, here’s a video of a turtle having sex with a rollerblade.

It’s unbearable to begin with, right, all lurid and livid-colored and wretched, and then at about the :22 mark, it…there’s no better word for it, disgorges further of itself. Penis begets more penis; additional penis is vomited forth from the depths of the penis, and a sort of sickly manta-ray-like beast begins swaying from the turtle’s loins.

That’s what a turtle’s penis looks like. I just thought that you should know.

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103 Comments

  1. noodge4lyfe +50

    whoah.

    And no penis discussion is complete without mention of the cat penis, which sports spines that act like a bunch of barbs in the female cat’s nether regions, triggering her ovulation.

    ::shudder::

    It makes you realize that – as far as penises go – humans have a pretty sweet deal. If you’re into that sort of thing.

    1. lilsebastian01 +53

      I guess we gotta talk about ducks’ corkscrew penises and decoy vaginas too, then?

      1. bighairnoheart +29

        Oh dear sweet lord, can we please not talk about ducks’ dicks? It is the one thing forever burned into my memory from my ornithology class.

      2. ppyajunebug +21

        NOPE NOPE NOPE

        I have been scarred for life by duck penises. There were some people I followed on Tumblr who had very detailed discussions over two characters having sex in duck form and what kind of genitals they would have. I have never recovered.

  2. Minivet +21

    I have watched and been horrified. I hope my suffering has to some small extent lightened that of those who came before me.

    1. christoncracker +44

      I feel like maybe this image is maybe not so much conveying shock, as it is slobbering lust, which I am thinking is not what you intended? Unless you did, in which case oh dear.

  4. crawlkill +11

    Cracked talked about this in an article a bit ago. apparently sometimes there’s a, like, prolapse situation, and things need to get manual.

    1. CleverManka +30

      There are very few good situations where the words “prolapsed” and “manual” appear together.

    2. noodge4lyfe +5

      awww, dogs sometimes get prolapsed penises. It usually happens while mom and dad are away from home for the day and the dog is comfort-humping something. They come home to a puppy with a back hunched in pain with a swollen, angry red rocket. It’s treated by anesthetizing the pet and trying to work it back in to the prepuce manually, or surgically….

      1. beaucoup1314 +11

        Well then, thank the baby Jesus I’ve always had girl dogs (Buffy, Penelope, Cleo, Jasmine – babies, I love you!)

  5. Megan +17

    GAHHHHHHHHH

    does it do that … that thing …. INSIDE another turtle?

    this is horrifying. I want to find out more and I don’t

    1. LeastBittern +47

      It does not. Most of that is to get around the shell. Like an inch actually penetrates, which is why the turtle is so happy with the rollerblade.

  6. si_rosenbaum +78

    There are worm species that have penises but no corresponding orifices so they just STAB EACH OTHER with their penises

    2. eleventysix +11

      yes! the penis fencing flatworms! we had to watch a dramatically narrated video about that…

      1. KappamakiFawkes +21

        For those who haven’t encountered penis fencing yet, it’s basically a duel where both flatworms try to impregnate the other BY STABBING THEM without being impregnated themselves. Nature!

  8. ArsenioB_Ham +86

    This ratio of turtle-size-to-turtle-penis-size is unacceptable and wrong.

  9. naglayaxuliganka +31

    I’m at work, but Isabella Rossellini has a series that someone should definitely link to here.

    2. paisleyLo +28

      FUN FACT: My new boss is besties with IR, and did the videography for that series. He says she’s nuts about biology and frequently refers to their friend group as his “nerd herd” (which of course makes me love her even more)

  10. LeastBittern +58

    This is the article I was born to comment on.

    Did you know that snakes have a forked penis? Each fork is wired to a single testicle, and they can ejaculate separately. This has been tested by putting tape over one side of the penis, then the other, and allowing the snake to mate. Female snakes can store sperm in a suspended state for YEARS before allowing it to fertilize their eggs.

    It is called a hemipenis, and there are pictures and more information at this link: http://snakesarelong.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-do-… (Note the clever ars longa vida brevis pun in the blog title, this person is amazing.)

    1. CleverManka +9

      Female snakes can store sperm in a suspended state for YEARS before allowing it to fertilize their eggs

      That was a plot point in Farscape! I had no idea it actually happened in Actual Earth Creature Biology, too. Neat!

      1. LeastBittern +20

        I don’t know how they do it: maybe some sort of Pokeball?

        There’s a lot of research into snake testes, but not nearly enough into snake ovaries. Did you know boa constrictors have placentas and give birth to live snakelets?

          1. LeastBittern +13

            I thought you were talking about how cute the placentas are but further thought indicates it is probably the baby snakes with their itty-bitt heads.

          2. CleverManka +14

            A google image search for “snake placenta” resulted in surprisingly boring results.

    2. Natushka +10

      Oh my word — with your sciencey penis knowledge and your Hound of the Baskervilles alluding username — you, my dear, are a perfect slice of Toast. I too would like to buy you drinks and tea and all the things.

    1. LeastBittern +22

      Oh, and it’s always erect, hidden within the body. No blood or lymph makes it erect, it’s just lots and lots of collagen.

      1. blunderbusst +69

        I’m so glad you have found your true calling, you beautiful excellent weirdo.

  14. LaxMom +51

    Finally! A place I can talk about my most memorable zoo visit!
    I went with a neighbor’s kids to the zoo. They have an outdoor cheetah, and an outdoor giant tortoise exhibit. While the children were running back and forth trying to get the cheetah to race, I kept hearing these oddly spaced out ….grunting?noises. Very widely spaced out. Then I turned around to see the tortoises mating. Very slowly. In time with the noises.

    2. KappamakiFawkes +12

      I’ve seen a wolverine masturbating against the glass wall of his exhibit with me on the other side of said wall.

      It was… quite something, that. He seemed very pleased with himself, and the nearby human parents with children hurried them onward at a brisk pace.

  15. LeastBittern +35

    Most birds (look birds are reptiles if turtles are reptiles, let me draw you an evolutionary history.) have cloaca, and transfer sperm via a “cloacal kiss”, but ostriches (and other ratites) have penises! This is cool, because ratites split off from other birds quite early, so there’s good evidence that the penis was lost in other birds. Good morphological support for our genetic evidence of evolutionary history.

    They don’t have a channel for sperm to travel down so much as a groove. http://scicurious.scientopia.org//2011/12/16/frid…

  16. LeastBittern +90

    But turtles: I talked earlier about the alligator collagen penis, right? The permanently erect thing that is contained inside their torso? That’s what this turtle has in the first bit. Then at the .22 mark, where there is more unexpected penis? That is the lymph-filled penis, a system that works a lot like how the mammal penis works (except with lymph instead of blood), but evolved separately. (Our distant ancestors were hydraulic, and apparently we both default back to hydraulics when we have to design something that engorges. This is where turtles and humans share a nice recognizable trait with our closest non-chordate relatives, sea urchins and starfish, which is great because otherwise you have to look at a lot of embryos. Penises are basically starfish feet.)

    The turtle has a tube to channel sperm in the collagen bit, and a groove in the lymph bit, and then viola, the eggs in the rollerblade are fertilized. Success!

    The collagen penis is so tough, long, and motile enough that male turtles commonly use it to dislodge themselves if they are stuck between rocks. You know the upside-down turtle being all helpless? Male mud turtles commonly use their penises to turn themselves right-side up.
    http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/tetrapod-zool…

    1. rkfire +64

      I’ve been mostly horrified and clutching my metaphorical pearls while reading this, but this sentence, “Male mud turtles commonly use their penises to turn themselves right-side up” is so amazing to me.

      2. LeastBittern +35

        I feel like the plot of Small Gods would have been better if Pratchett had included this fact.

    2. CleverManka +56

      Stop posting these comments! Save them and write up an article! Seriously. These are awesome. I could talk about how fucked up penises are ALL DAMN DAY and I think you’ve got a good audience for that sort of thing but make it an article!

      1. LeastBittern +51

        Yes but my previous toast article is the first google hit under my actual name, and I have a career in biology and teaching that would probably not be helped by everyone knowing my inordinate glee in the weirdness of vertebrate genitalia.

        I mean, everyone who hasn’t been around when I’ve had two drinks.

        1. CleverManka +18

          Next time you’re in NE Kansas, let me know. I’ve got two drinks here with your name(s) on ’em.

          1. Just_a_Dinosaur +4

            Unless their policy has changed, I believe the Toast doesn’t allow pseudonyms for authors.

        3. tinypaperme +8

          I wrote a (published) paper on the history of genital surgery. I think you and I would be inordinately gleeful about vertebrate genitalia together.

    4. muttershanks +40

      “Penises are basically starfish feet.” Sex will never be the same.

    6. ru_ri +16

      OK, you? You are my favorite. Starfish feet forever! (as long as they have condoms on…)

    7. eleventysix +22

      Look, this is my favorite comment in the history of ever.

      “…we both default back to hydraulics when we have to design something that engorges.…Penises are basically starfish feet.” is just the greatest.

      Also…thank god penises can’t regenerate like starfish.

  17. Abanthis +25

    No we don’t Mallory, no we really don’t. Did you just sucker us in with kitten photos in order to facilitate the mood whiplash of turtle dick?

  19. sorrycassandra +55

    You know, I know we’re supposed to be appalled by this, but…the turtle was enjoying himself andthe rollerblade’s inanimate, so no harm done. Nature is weird and beautiful and mostly weird.

    Also, the expressions on his face! And the way he sprawls over in the ecstasy of consummation at the end!

    1. PotterPotterson +5

      I watched it work.

      …but my job is to teach relationships and sexuality, sooooooo it’s educational. I just sent it to my coworker who has copulating turtles as her desktop image.

    1. Just_a_Dinosaur +22

      I am more amused at the prospect of her thinking that’s what human boys have between their legs.

  24. RuncibleSpoon +18

    dammit Mallory.

    First ducks and now turtles.

    You are ruining ponds and park benches for me and i do not like it

  27. halloweenjack64 +7

    Yeah, that’s some straight-up xenomorph shit right there; I suspect that turtle-on-rollerblade action may explain the sudden resurgence of quad skates, probably as the result of people having watched this. (Also along the same, ah, vein: “just another tortoise penis video”.)

  29. Lhlbear +60

    I put my hearing aids in for this. I regret it so much. I wish I didn’t even have ears.

    1. dakimel +8

      I am sooooo glad I muted the computer before playing. The visual was…more than enough.

  32. Just_a_Dinosaur +53

    After the initial horror of the revelation, I find myself extremely curious about how a turtle knows when it’s found that special rollerblade.

  35. damanoid +48

    Chelonian anatomy aside, I think we can all agree: that is one incredibly sexy-looking roller skate.

    Remember that one chapter in Moby-Dick, where Ishmael describes a particular feature of whale anatomy, only he doesn’t ever exactly say what it is, just that it is remarkably large and impressive and hefty and worship-inspiring? And he tells how the whalers will skin it, then climb inside the skin and wear it around the ship? What a great book.

    1. LeastBittern +11

      YES.

      And then they look like priests in their whale-cock cassock, and they use it as an apron while they’re slicing fat, and the fat needs to be sliced thin, and then the “congregation” demands that the fat be sliced into “BIBLE LEAVES”.

  38. luckierluckiest +21

    I took a friend to the zoo during a work day around Christmas, so it was crawling with kids and moms. While we watched the marsupials cavort, one of the kangaroos jumped on another kangaroos back in a humpy way. The mom next to me and I nodded at each other like “glad the kids aren’t looking.” Then the humpy kangaroo started growing what looked like a two foot long carrot out of his penis. Mom next to me says “uh, okay, what?” and I said “that is the weirdest penis I’ve ever seen.” And we both laughed.

    Then, Christmas. I make the mistake of telling my sisters the story while my 3 1/2 yo nephew was playing nearby. And now whenever the subject of kangaroos comes up, he shouts “tell me again about the giant carrot penis!”

  39. Maryaed +22

    D. H. Lawrence was all over this shit. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/176804

    War-cry, triumph, acute-delight, death-scream reptilian,
    Why was the veil torn?
    The silken shriek of the soul’s torn membrane?
    The male soul’s membrane
    Torn with a shriek half music, half horror.

    You’re welcome.

  40. redheadedwolf +11

    I HATE YOU MALLORY. I COULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT SEEING THAT.

    Honest to God, I made a noise of horror, leaning back in my chair and biting the back of my hand.

  42. sarawr +7

    Sayonara, world — it’s me or turtle penises and I am ill-equipped for that battle.

  44. The Elitist Semicolon

    I wrote a (published) paper on the history of genital surgery. I think you and I would be inordinately gleeful about vertebrate genitalia together.

  46. Kastrel +7

    Another thing we might need to talk about – am I the only person who thinks that that’s definitely a tortoise, not a turtle? Is this a UK/US thing (I’m from the UK)? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure turtles are the in-water dudes, and tortoises are the on-land dudes.

  47. James

    Then the humpy kangaroo started growing what looked like a two foot long carrot out of his penis. Mom next to me says “uh, okay, what?” and I said “that is the weirdest penis I’ve ever seen.” And we both laughed.