The Desert Is Wide And Full Of Haters -The Toast

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Previously: haters of the sea.

The desert is a barren wasteland devoid of all life but haters and trolls. Nothing can grow there; the ground itself is a griefer.

“Oh, sorry, were you trying to grow roots,” the desert says to pretty much every plant. “How about just kill yourself.”

This is why humans invented things like oases; we like to remind haters that no matter how sandy and gritty they get, you can’t keep us from doing things like drinking water and enjoying ourselves near trees.

Haters of the Desert: A Taxonomy

A cactus is not a hater. A cactus thrives despite the desert’s best attempts to evaporate all the water away from it. The needles are just there for protection; a cactus has been hurt before. You need to leave a cactus alone and stop bothering it. It’s doing what it has to to survive, and you don’t know what it’s been through.


The desert is dry because of foehn winds and also because of jealousy.

Dust storms are haters. “You think you can escape the desert just because you’re in the sky? Think again.” Dust storms will bring the sand to you, wherever you are.

Flash floods are real trolls. “Oh, were you thirsty?” a flash flood will ask. “How about I drown you and then vanish.”

A scorpion is a straight up fake. It’s a lobster poser that doesn’t have the guts to visit the ocean and get called out on its shit. It’s a spider wearing a tank so it can’t experience criticism. A scorpion can dish it out but he can’t take it, and he doesn’t even have the decency to put his poison in his mouth so he has to look you in the face when he bites you. He stings you from the back, like an asshole.


Lizards are trolls. The Lacertilia suborder is defined as “all reptiles with overlapping scales that are not snakes.” Stop defining yourself by what you’re not. Think about what you’re contributing to the conversation, lizards. Is being “not a snake” really good enough?

Desert foxes are haters. Their ears are “unusually large” from listening to your secrets when it’s not their business.


Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

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