Just to get this out of the way, I am aware that the general vibe of most paintings of the Temptation of St. Anthony is like, DECADENT HORROR to denote the ultimate BAD END of temptations; all the horned pig-ferrets are more like a representation of “the wages of sin is DEATH” than like, an actual medieval desire to hang out with pig-ferrets. THAT SAID, literally everyone who has ever painted the Temptation of St. Anthony has actually no idea what temptation looks like.
Let us begin.
When in doubt, painters of St. Anthony’s temptation always go for MEGA BUSY. This is a mistake. Like, the babe resting on his back is one thing, but who is tempted from his prayers a possum-man with an owl hat and a lute? Or…a drawing of a severed foot?
DEVIL THE FIRST: “The gorgeous women aren’t working, what should we send next to tempt this holy man to forget his vows?”
DEVIL THE SECOND: “DEFINITELY a man who is only a head and two very small legs wearing an elaborate turban. If that doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what will. And also a vole that can read.”
DEVIL THE FIRST: “You have such a flair for these things.”
DEVIL THE SECOND: “Oh, stop.”
I…it’s no knock on her appearance, as the babe is right comely, but if you are going to send only a single woman to tempt an actual saint, maybe do not dress her up like Idelette Calvin in head-to-toe sober black. Ooh, she’s carrying a…a small dove. Does that turn you on?
No, okay, I GET it, the dudes fighting on snails in the upper-left-hand corner represent a constant battle against sloth and lust, it’s ALLEGORICAL, FINE, but also, who is tempted by a scowling toddler that is attempting to eat its own arm? Whence the wagons? Whence the pack animals? “Ooh, consign your soul to the devil and you can have this pantsless guy in a canoe, or a nun with an owl on her lumpy back, or this injured dog.” This is the worst white elephant offer I can possibly think of, The Devil! DO BETTER.
Oh, this is SOLID. This looks like the cover art for the sort of CD my friend Nicole’s boyfriend Jeff would have kept in his locker sophomore year. The pig standing on books is sort of weird, but that’s a minor point. A glorious, triumphant sex Valkyrie pushing a bloody Jesus off the cross is metal as heck and I give this temptation an A.
“Kiss me, Fuzzy Lobster Devil.” This is the worst temptation of them ALL. It’s just evil Care Bears and a furry crawdad? No one is tempted by this, not even the most committed of perverts.
THANK YOU. Okay, someone is FINALLY keeping it simple. ONE LADY. ONE TEMPTATION PER SAINT. She’s babely, she’s wearing pink so you know she’s attractive, she has a slit up the thigh so you know she’s good to go, and she has attractive little Satan wings so you know she’s got the Bad Touch. There’s a simple visual theme going on. I GET THIS. Who’s being tempted? The guy in the middle. What’s he being tempted by? The babe. There’s no, like, depictions of Troy being sacked in the background or a bunch of possums trying to read the Septuagint to muddy the plot here. Trees, house, saint, babe. That’s all I need.
This looks more like the island Pinocchio’s friends all get turned into donkeys on? Mr. Shellface playing the recorder, some weird Italian guy trying to read over his shoulder? WHAT ABOUT THIS SAYS TEMPTATION TO YOU? Everyone looks pinched and crowded and uncomfortable. The expression on St. Anthony’s face is “leave me alone with my books, you crab-falcon-beasts,” not “hmm, this might be worth abandoning eternal salvation for.”
YOU’RE JUST POKING HIM NOW
This one comes close on first glance but is UTTERLY HOPELESS. There are two naked babes, yes, but they’re hiding behind him and they’re joined for some reason by a tiny helmeted scuba diver. There’s half a donkey by his feet and someone else is running away with like…a book that has feet? Someone he’s trapped in a too-small coffin? And St. Anthony isn’t looking at any of them. You cannot tempt someone who straight up ignoring you!
Ruling: no one in the entirety of Europe from the years 1200-1750 had any idea what temptation, or torsos, were.
[Images via]
Tags: artwork, no, the temptation of st anthony
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Yeah, it seems mediaeval bods have confused “temptation” with “trying to edit a document in a crowded bar”. We’ve all been there.
Oh God I THOUGHT those scenes felt familiar. *re-seats earbuds, returns to editing*
Maybe it’s themptation for MURDER?!
Okay, but in number one look at the wee dog in his cheerful red jester outfit, and tell me you aren’t incredibly tempted to pick him up and snuggle him and boop his nose and rub his belly. Look at the teeny tiny nose, look at the white blaze down his face, look at his nubbly tail and his festive bells.
That is some A+++++ temptation hiding amongst the chaos, an island of adorable in the midst of all that insanity, who could resist?
I never saw so many good pet halloween costumes all in the same place before, my cat is definitely going as Vole with Reading Glasses this year. I don’t hold with knitting but somebody who does is for sure measuring their corgi’s ears right now so as to get the fit right on their Devil Dog Jester Cap
I think you’ve hit on an idea for a REALLY SOLID Toast meetup party.
It’s definitely a case of “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks”, they just happen to have found at least one temptation that would appeal to you. Previous guy? He was totally into hot chicks laying on his back, and that’s why you’ve never heard of Saint Wayne the perv; his temptation was easy.
I’ve met Saint Wayne the perv.
Really, I think we all have.
I just chose to leave him out of my hagiography.
#NotAllSaints
This is honestly maybe the only site on the whole internet whose comment section includes casual usage of the word “hagiography.”
I use that whole “double-click to select / right-click / google, please look this up” thing all the time here.
Honestly, Toast comments are about 300% more educational than my (unfinished) liberal arts degree.
HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS you have saved me from eternal double-click to select/CTRL+C/click in search bar/CTRL+V’ hell.
The Toast comment sections makes life so much better. 5/5 would read comments again
OK, in the second one–sure, she’s dressed modestly, but the imp behind her is pointing out her best asset.* He’s all like “even white boys got to shout” and the woman next to Anthony is like, “Son, you gonna get sprung.” The one with Eros on the cross, though? Kind of a cliche–google “female Jesus” and you’ll see what I mean. Anthony looks more irritated than anything, he’s like, sheesh, you made me lose my page, I get it, I went through my metal phase, I even posed for the cover of that Kansas album, you kids think you invented everything, sheesh
*You will of course note what I did there.
Which Kansas album? Are you 12 foot tall John Brown?
Leftoverture–he couldn’t be John Brown, even with a gelled-up combover.
Heh, I remember hearing he was tempted with “boredom and laziness” in addition to hot babes, which first of all, I don’t really know if the devil has to actually bring in the boredom and laziness when you’re in a cave in the desert, and secondly, NONE OF THESE SCENARIOS ARE BORING. I mean, if a possum man playing a lute and a literate vole showed up in my cubicle, I’d feel many things, but boredom would not be at the top of the list.
(Although if you are cool and jaded enough to go “yawn, another fuzzy lobster devil? That’s so 1100,” I am pretty impressed.)
The devil-woman in pink with the crossed arms has more the look of “And just what time do you think this is, Mr. Saint?” And he forgot to pick up her dry cleaning.
I love how bored he looks in the last 3, like he’s seen all the temptations now and is no longer fazed. He’s reading a really good chapter in his book and he’ll get to your temptations in a minute, okay?
Some of these look like the hell-scenes from Event Horizon. That’s not… it’s not tempting.
It is if you like Event Horizon.
I like to think that 1200-1750 Europe was just overrun with odd animal mashups wearing little hats and suits of armor and we have sadly forgotten them and their noble contributions to art history.
I’m down with this. Have you read Eco’s “Baudolino”? It’s set in a otherwise-historically-accurate 12th century where all the weirdo creatures from medieval bestiaries (Monopodes! Blemmyes!) are real.
off to put that on my list.
Catherynne Valente’s The Habitation of the Blessed & The Folded World have similar awesome (blemmyae forever).
These animals appear only in paintings by artists who used a certain configuration of camera obscura, whose construction was communicated secretly between master and apprentice, which allowed the user to see what others could not. (You may have seen the terms “the Bosch effect” and “the Bosch box.”) When the secret of that equipment (or more accurately the use of the camera obscura in general) fell out of use, the creatures stopped appearing in paintings, not to reappear for some centuries (see Richard Doyle).
They are, however, still with us.
Now that you mention it, I -would- like to read a Lovecraftian take on the Hockney-Falco thesis.
Also. I am interested in applying for the position of glorious, triumphant sex Valkyrie. Where do I submit my application?
Right over here, in my office. It’s the one with the discreet shadows and chaise lounge draped in satin.
Honestly, I would just settle for some glorious, triumphant sex.
I would just like to say that the other week I saw “What We Do in the Shadows”, which is a movie about vampires living in modern-day New Zealand, and at one point they cut away for atmsopheric effect to a bunch of pictures of like old woodcuts and stuff, and one of the woodcuts was of a lady riding an old man like a pony, which I immediately recognized as being the motif of Phyllis and Aristotle.
All thanks to Mallory and the education on classical art that I receive from The Toast dot net.
WEREWOLVES, NOT SWEARWOLVES
This, OMG.
Where does one see this movie? Yours is the second reference I’ve seen today, and the other was to seeing it on a plane flight home from 2 weeks walking Hadrian’s Wall, which I can’t afford …
I saw it streaming on Netflix.
streaming from which country of origin on netflix? cos america and united kingdom don’t have it. and I NEEEEEED to see it. Please and thankyou.
Look for the DVD on Amazon or eBay.
AOW dang I lied I rented it from some online thing I have called “Vudu”, using an electronic box that I also watch netflix stuff on.
Me too! I’ve gleaned most of my education from comedy.
I had the exact same experience last week!!
The Pinocchio island one looks like the Jan Švankmajer “Alice in Wonderland,” which is basically just a story of people running around after nonsense for nonsense reasons so getting close maybe? Could use more naked chicks.
I keep meaning to watch that, as I was big into Svankmajer’s stop-mo shorts when I was in my art-film teenybopper phase…
Oh my god that movie was terrifying.
In writing this article you’ve read my mind! Would just like to submit my personal favourite among the less-than-tempting Temptations of St. Anthony, a.k.a. the flipside of the Isenheim Altarpiece: http://www.sci-fi-o-rama.com/wp-content/uploads/2…
I love the Isenheim with a fierce and terrible love.
a bunch of possums trying to read the Septuagint
This…this kind of embodies distraction for me now. I don’t know whether to be glad or sorry.
After this, I looked up his actual list of temptations (because a theology doctoral guy prompted me to grumblegrumblegrumble) and can I just say—St. Anthony and the monks didn’t know what temptation was either. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_the_Great#Te…
Christianity, you do NOT know how to get down and have some FUN!
Wait, he had servants with him? To misquote Stoppard, “But surely a hermit who takes a servant with him is not a hermit in whom one can have complete confidence.”
Oh my god yes that Stoppard (mis)quote. AND RIGHT?! Words mean things.
This also caught my eye:
“Saint Anthony was on a journey in the desert to find Saint Paul of Thebes, who according to his dream was a better Hermit than he”.
IT’S A HERMIT-OFF, GUYS! Who is the hermit-iest of them all?
Status anxiety in the hermit community. That’s the most human thing ever.
I mean… I’m not sure I’d be TEMPTED by many of these (maybe the crucifixion babe) but I’d sure as hell be distracted from my prayers by them.
I feel like, despite their obvious ideological differences, the two devils and the two monks would get along and should definitely meet.
I’m kind of picturing a foreign exchange program.
Awkwardly meeting at a local farmer’s market, agreeing to meet for dinner later. Both pairs telling themselves the dinner is to “help” the other pair. Stilted conversation that relaxes after the 3rd shared bottle of wine into a huge art debate of which pair is the actual creators. Devil #1 & #2 are all “You are painting about us”. Monk #1 & #2 “Maybe so, but we are the ones PAINTING”
They could hang with Aziraphale and Crowley!
Yes! I want to be at this dinner party. As long as I am not a plant.
So, Good Omens. Aziraphale would understand how tempting a good book can be.
Question A: Is there a Toast section on Archive of Our Own?
Question B: If not, why not?
The Two Monks have some stories: http://archiveofourown.org/tags/Two%20Monks%20Inv…
The second to last one is amazing. He is so over this. “Alright I get it, can you guys take me back to the cave now?”
Yes, especially with the demon on the lower right showing off her lovely vagina dentata. “Look,” says the saint. “It’s just not what I’m into, okay? They really are nice teeth, very sharp, very horrifying. But my cave had this really nice soft dirt spot that was just excellent for lying down on and contemplating man’s disgrace. We cool?”
Not totally sure, but so many of these show him reading that maybe the real temptations were not the babes or devils, or even the cute little doggies, but the books?
Which reminds me I have Dragons of Crumbling Castle, Ruled Britannia, Island of the Sequinned Love Nun, World War Z and this morning’s Victoria Times-Colonist on my bedside table. Dinner can wait.
The thing is, it’s not denoting “the ultimate BAD END of temptations,” either. It’s just another definition of “temptation” that’s fallen out of favor. Just as “awful” used to mean literally “inspiring awe,” here “temptation” is used in the sense of its Latin root — to attack or test. It’s derived from a form of tendō, which can also mean “to stretch” or “to distend” which is where we get “tendon.” Sorry to go on there- just a former Classics major who hates fun.
Thanks for this, very interesting tidbit! From another former classics student (without the Latin,sadly)
Are we sure it’s not supposed to be The Distractions of Saint Anthony?
Indeed, many of these are more like “The Distraction of St. Anthony.” He’s trying to work, surrounded by bizarre and outlandish creatures clamoring for his attention.
Wait! I have it! I know what this is! We’re looking at early, prophetic depictions of the Internet!
This is what happens when you’re starving in the wilderness & find a patch of odd-looking mushrooms:
“Once, Saint Anthony tried hiding in a cave to escape the demons that plagued him. There were so many little demons in the cave though that Saint Anthony’s servant had to carry him out because they had beaten him to death. When the hermits were gathered to Saint Anthony’s corpse to mourn his death, Saint Anthony was revived. He demanded that his servants take him back to that cave where the demons had beaten him. When he got there he called out to the demons, and they came back as wild beasts to rip him to shreds. All of a sudden a bright light flashed, and the demons ran away.”
The third painting down is one I’ve always wondered about myself.
In the middle background, to the left, there are a pair of bare asses (the rest of the figures are obscured by a pair of wheels they’re pushing, so apparently only the bare asses are important here), being driven forward by a midget who has a whip in one hand, and reins tied to their balls in the other.
Well, uh, okay. You go Anthony. Fly that freak flag!
Well some of these are definitely depicting stories of St. Anthony being TORMENTED by devils, not tempted in the sense that one is tempted to lust or something. The word temptation or what it came from did not always have the exact connotation that it now has.