“Hey Matt,” you might say. “We don’t have Kings in America and you’ll never be one” to which I say: try saying that again, this time from the DUNGEONS.
OF MY CASTLE.
Anyways, here are the new rules for America. Sorry! You made a cartoonist the king. I can’t draw these things and now they’re dead to me.
Hair is illegal. I know you like that new summer ‘do, but drawing all those strands is a real pain in the ass and time is money. Shave it off. Blammo.
Horses are but a memory of a memory. Never existed. What’s a horse? Do not speak of the horses, which is a nonsense word with no meaning. Horses. What are those?
Fancy Desk chairs? Nope, sorry. You get a standard-issue metal folding chair like everyone else, Mr. or Ms. Big-Shot.
Throw your smartphone and flatscreen television in the TRASH because they don’t read very well visually. Them’s the breaks, nobody wants to look at a bunch of drawings of rectangular prisms. Enjoy your giant rotary phone and old set with rabbit ears, though. You’re welcome.
You know what? Trash is no picnic either, there’s a lot of little bits in there. Everything goes in the incinerator.
Gatherings of more than 3 are OUT. Want to meet up with friends? I hope there are not more than 2 of them because I’m not drawing another crowd scene, buster.
The only food options are “deli sandwich” or “roast chicken.” That’s the way it’s gotta be. The meat on the deli sandwich is “brown and pink slices.” Yum!
I hope you don’t like your bicycle or car because neither are a thing you can buy anymore.
All the trees have been set on fire and we don’t have ‘em anymore. What’re you gonna do about it? Nothin’.
Feet are not welcome in my kingdom. I understand their necessity for getting around, but you should probably hide them behind some rocks if you can, as often as possible. Chop off your hands, though.
Tags: art, drawing, i’m the king, just my thoughts, live under the king’s law or face the king’s justice
Okay but hear me out – couldn’t you, as king, hire someone to draw stuff for you?
as king, you shouldn’t have to
That’s how you end up with usurpers.
What if I keep my hands in mittens at all times?
And feet in slippers!
hands in pockets? That’s always been my trick.
Seems fair.
All backgrounds are now merely IMPLIED
“No wall shall be composed of more than four bricks in a cluster! SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE”
I feel your pain! 18 Reasons Writers Should Never Challenge Graphic Designers To Drawing Contests
Your link’s broken, pal.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/bcantdraw/10-reasons-writ…
If horses are out, can I at least keep a stable of very large dogs?
Only the most comical-looking dogs. (Which I guess is 90% of dogs.)
Fortunately, I live in the UK.
Unless you’re planning to invade and rule an empire.
Okay, so we can’t have feet anymore. But, we can still eat all the swans we want. POINT AMERICA
How many swans have you eaten in your life
None so far. I just enjoy having the option.
WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW
Um, no you can’t. Deli sandwich or roast chicken. PICK ONE.
Roast swan is just a bigger roast chicken though.
Are you saying your queen can draw all of those things, or is she an inadequate queen who can’t draw at all?
Our queen is a mere figurehead ruler. However, I have no doubt she can draw feet.
Our prime minister may be (insert downer statistics and political opinions here) but as he went to private school I think we can assume he can draw a horse.
Hair is illegal. I know you like that new summer ‘do, but drawing all those strands is a real pain in the ass and time is money. Shave it off. Blammo.
And yet the king illustrating this piece has hair. So it’s just one rule for them and one rule for us? I see how it is.
I am kind of loving the fact that not being able to draw horses seems to be a very common thing among cartoonists/artists and it brings me a lot of joy.
Exhibit A: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=131
Exhibit B: http://gingerhaze.tumblr.com/tagged/horse-legs-ar…
HORSES: HOW DO THE LEGS GO?
FAT PONY!
Whereas I am a little obsessed with BoJack Horseman right now so I’d assumed that all artists have been drawing horses since childhood:
https://twitter.com/lisadraws/status/623941726349…
It’s kind of funny because I learned how to draw horses before I knew how to draw people. Horses are easy! In fact, in a crowd scene it would be much easier if people just turned into horses. Or when I have to draw their feet, they should have hooves.
Hair, crowds, trees, and food will all become clumps. Like clouds, but with different colors. Hair colored clouds, people colored clouds, tree clouds, food clouds. DONE. BE SATISFIED.
I, for one, welcome our new Emperor Liefeld.
I think feet should be REQUIRED in drawings, if only to fuck with Rob Liefeld constantly.
I keep my cut off feet in pouches on my belt
I keep them in pouches so far up my thighs that I would never be able to bring my legs together even if my massive quads allowed it.
I had mine surgically implanted in my chest to increase my pectoral volume.
If I ever need to use them, I just pull them up through my throat by the attached strand of saliva in my mouth.
I’ve never seen a law against public demonstration enacted QUITE like this…
I’m pretty good at drawing most things, but hair and leaves are IMPOSSIBLE. If I ever decide to quit my job and become an artist, I will only paint pictures of bald people in front of winter trees.
Realllllllllllllllly enjoying the part of Mallory’s vacation where Matt and Jaya slowly crack up.
Wait, you can draw a metal folding chair? That is impressive. Also, dungeons are hard to draw. Maybe the insurgents could be sealed in a windowless tower?
Also, clothing/shoes with too many details, e.g. beading, sequence. Get ’em outta here!
anything with a pattern that also conforms to the shape of the body, like a rippling plaid skirt blowing about in the wind.
Buildings that aren’t designed by Gaudi are also outlawed because it’s just annoying having to do all of that three point perspective.
As soon as I saw this, I was like, “Well, goodbye my beloved bike!”