Hello, Internet Readers! By now, you must have read about The Thing in the news or at least heard about The Thing. You might have some thoughts about The Thing. I certainly do! Here they are. If you are not familiar with the thing, good! Stay here and read my take on the The Thing, which is very important. My take, that is.
Now, I know that most Things aren’t black or white, and understanding how to navigate the moral grey area is an important part of critical thought. That said: The Thing is bad. Full stop. Many of you have thought that The Thing was good. I’m here to tell you that it’s bad. You might not have considered this because your brain doesn’t work like mine. How does my brain work? I’m glad you asked.
Here are the steps to critical thought:
1: Be edgy as hell. A lot of this is buying the right pants. Also, be smart. But not in a quantifiable way, just tell everyone you’re very smart.
2: Read what other, less edgy and smart people are saying.
3: Have the opposite opinion. Congrats!
If you are doing anything different than this, you are doing it incorrectly and YOU, my friend, are doing the entire planet Earth an intellectual disservice by thinking differently than me. Take it from me, a VERY smart person: I’m ONLY right, ever! Did you know there are adults out there AGREEING with opinions they read (that aren’t mine) instead of being smart like me?
I remember as a young person, I read a review of a movie. Everyone thought this movie was really great! Realistic characterization, a tight plot, beautiful cinematography, riveting performances. I was talking to some friends who had seen the film, who were chatting about how much they enjoyed it. It was then I realized: What if it were instead bad? They said I hadn’t seen the movie yet, but what they did not realize is that NOT seeing the movie ACTUALLY afforded me the intellectual distance to judge it fairly! That REALLY got a big reaction! I’d figured it out. What good is an opinion if a single other person had it! I was the most interesting person in the world, and remain to be that to this day, which certainly explains why you’re reading my very important take!
Anyways, The Thing. It’s bad, how could you ever dare to think it was good? Get the hell out of here.
Tags: being smart, HOT TAKES, i’m talking now, listen to me only
Wow – what a bold stand to take. You are surely going to get some controversy going about That Thing.
4. Everyone less edgy or more wishy-washy than you (they will style themselves “moderate” and “reasonable”) is obviously a Phony. Write another thinkpiece on their willful ignorance. Do not use the phrase “Wake Up, Sheeple,” but make sure it’s heavily implied.
The thing is bad because it was made by people, who are also bad. Now where can I get such a great critical-thinking hat, Matt?
The Thing may be good, but it’s not like James Baldwin or anything.
Pfft, I voiced this exact same opinion about The Previous Thing.
You were right then, but in between then and now, your previous opinion has been conclusively shown to be wrong.
I better tweet this article real quick so all my followers know I care and have the correct opinion about Thing.
You win the internet today! Poor The Thing.
This was so perfect.
I’m opening up a brunch spot called “Hotcakes and Hot Takes.” We serve pea guac with our huevos and our waiters will argue with you for 20 minutes before taking your order over whether brunch spots are “for basics,” “gentrifying blight,” or “the only meal worth having; legalize bottomless brunch!”
The bill comes with a line for tip and ten lines for your opinion about tipping.
The bill comes with a line for tip and ten lines for your opinion about tipping.
My attempts to be edgy as hell are ALWAYS foiled because I’ve bought the wrong pants. Please advise.
Actually, the Thing is about ethics in gaming journalism.
Actually, the Thing is about ethics in gaming journalism.
… and this is where J. J. Rousseau comes from!
Bonus points (as far as I’m aware) that his ZOMG NEGATIVE TAKE ON THING (i.e. u guys what if society was bad – what, like the society you live in? – no, just like, society. literally any society. now i’m going to pull some exoticising bullshit about poc) was taken from Diderot saying, “Wow, wouldn’t that be a ridiculous opinion to hold” and him deciding that he’d get SO MANY ATTENTIONS from doing just that.
(My apologies to anyone who actually likes Rousseau. I’m not much of a fan having had to do the tour (including the whole of Book I of the Confessions, which is for the mercifully unexposed where he purportedly invents the concept of the modern autobiography through sheer force of narcissism) for my French lit period paper of my undergrad, even being able to use the Marquis de Sade to puncture him a bit.)
oh man, fuck rousseau.
especially fuck the way he was financially backed by his salon-owning sugar momma in his youth only to turn around and call for women to gtfo the public sphere later. also how he preached education and domesticity but abandoned his multiple kids. basically he not only had the worst opinions but he also was the worst irl